learning to turst again. how to?

Discussion in 'Archives' started by ChosenGSR, Jul 9, 2002.

  1. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    I dont really know where to start. I am really not the one to share my personal problems, even with my best friends. So this is hard to do. I guess I will give some background. I am 20 years old, and my current girlfriend is 3 years younger. When I was 17 or so, I have dated this girl that I thought I was madly in love with. Even though I knew it wasnt going anywhere, and everything about that relationship was totaly off, I was ignorant to that. I had all the trust in the world in that girl. To the point where I knew she was getting pretty damn intimate with other guys. But everytime I would think about it, I would trust her and think that everything will be just fine. Fast forward about 4-5 months, and we are over. I've found out she fucked some other guy numerous times. She told me so face to face, and only because I pulled it out of her. Needless to say i cannot describe what I was going through for the next say 4 month.

    For the next 2 years, I have hooked up with different girls. Never considered a relationship really. Girls were the devil, and all I needed them was for pussy. Out of the blue, by total chance, I meet my current girlfriend. She was considerably younger, and atfirst I couldnt even think abou dating her. We talked for about a week and I realized that she could change my life. And did she ever.

    Now we have been dating for about a year and a few month. And let me say, that they have been the best of my life. Yes, we have our share of fights. But we also are pretty good about making up. I love her like I have never loved anyone before. She means the world to me. And I could see myself spending eternity with her. I could probably write a book on my feelings for her. But I will save you the read because thats not the point of this post.

    I have a major problem. I cant trust. Dont get me wrong, she has NEVER done ANYTHING even remotely to make me not trust her. We had many fights because of this. You see, I have problems with everything.

    When she goes out with her friends I worry, When she goes out of town for a week or two with her friends or whatever, It nearly kills me. If she goes to a birthday party. Sometimes, even if we are hanging out around one of her friends. I have a hard time with everything. It makes me miserable. My mind wonders about what could happen. It drives me nuts.

    Last week she's went to california to international club convention thing. Where she was around thousands of other guys/girls. This has been the worst week of our lives. I got mad that she left me. I was scared that something might happen, and she wouldnt tell me. I was so miserable. I had a hard time sleeping, eating, working. But thats nothing, the worst part is, I take it out on her. I made her week there miserable. I brought her down because I was down. I ALWAYS do that. I made her cry, because of things I've said. Because of it being so long together and me still not trusting her. There was a period when she hasnt called me for 48 hours and I flipped on her once we did talk.


    anyway, she just got home today, and nearly broke up with me. I basicaly got my knees to beg for a 2nd chance. She says she loves me more than anything. But she cant go through the paint i keep on putting her through. She says she cant even be herself because of me. She has to constant watch what she does to please me.

    Guys, I cannot lose this girl. She means more to me, than I could explain if I had eternity to speak my mind. Other than this issue our relationship is amazing. Ofcourse this issue like the most important. Anyway, what do I do ? How do I deal with her being away from me ? how do I regain trust, after what happened to me with my first serious gf?

    I've trying handing out with my friends, but that doesnt help. I know I cant aford a shrink. Are there any books anyone knows that I can read up on ? What can a guy do ? I am a total fuckup, and if I lose her, I surely deserve it. Please help me not to lose her! I dont know what I would do without her.



    Sorry, no cliffnotes. Thanks to those who take this seriously and potentialy shed some light this way. Also, I am sorry if there are tons of spelling mistakes. Its 2:30 in the morning, and I just went through 2 hours of the most intense conversation of my life. The only reason she is giving me a second chance is because she loves me like crazy. But she shouldnt put up with my shit. She cant take it any longer. I told her if I dont get better, I will break up with her myself. I guess that will be the first unselfish thing I would really do. HELP ME KEEP THIS AMAZING GIRL :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc: :wtc:
     
  2. kgasso

    kgasso Guest

    Does she know what happened in past relationships?

    I still have trust issues after being cheated on by two different (now ex) girlfriends, and it still screws with my head... but you have to remember, different people act differently. She's not the kind of person your ex was, she's the kind of person you THOUGHT and HOPED you ex was :)slap: me if i'm totally off-base here).

    Personally, I'd be honest with her. When I was in the same position, I told her I had trust issues, but not with her and not because of anything she did. I told her she's done nothing to make me distrust her. This is much easier if they understand from experience (i.e. have been cheated on before). You have to do your part to believe she only wants to be with you, and in return, let her know the same holds true to her.

    Then again, she might _not_ understand. Just do what you feel would be best... every person and every relationship is different. You know her better than we do. :big grin:
     
  3. Quog

    Quog YOU!!!

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    Ya, what he said.
    Be careful though, there is a such thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
     
  4. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    Next time you get angry, stop for a minute, think it over. Is it worth to fight about or maybe it's better for you to shut up. If you're still mad, keep it to yourself, don't take it out on her, but do whatever you need to do to calm down - some people achieve this by hanging out with friends, some by getting drunk (although I don't advise you to get drunk every time you're mad at her), my other friend gets in the car and drives around.
    How does it take you to calm down ? What can keep your mind occupied ? Think about these things.
    I don't believe you can learn to trust, but I believe you can learn to deal with it and not get angry. Keeping it to yourself is bad too, because one day you might explode even worse, but it works for me.
     
  5. BooBat

    BooBat Guest

    Trust is a weird thing
    I know your pain.
    All i can say is be honest with her and tell her your situation
    I will have your same delimea one day.
    Im dreading that day
    Cheaters suck ass
     
  6. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    Damn, I got 4 hrs of sleep, because I just cant freaking sleep after last night. I am worried so much. Anyway, back to the topic. She knows about my past. She says she understands it. But she said its been over a year that me and her are together, and I should be able to trust her by now. I wish she would give me alot more time for this. But the message I got from her is that she really cant give me alot more time, because I hurt her alot through this. Which I totaly understand.

    I am not asmuch worried about me getting mad, because thats a consequence of me not trusting her. I know that next time I will shut my damn mouth no matter what I feel. But thats not healthy either. I wont to tackle the problem itself. There must be a way for me to get over my past. To learn to trust. Because she has never done anything to make me doubt her. And deep inside, I KNOW that she wouldnt cheat on me, because she is the sweetest thing to walk the earth. But its like my mind is possessed, the stupid thoughts roam my mind. I constantly think about ALL the different posibilites that could happen. Even if deep inside I know she wouldnt. The thoughts kill me. They eat me alive. I turn into this possessive asshole of a boyfriend. Who is jealous of the air she breathes.

    She is young, and she deserves to have fun. Sometimes it means she can go away and half fun without me. And thats not because she doesnt love me. Its hard for me to deal with that. Because I dont feel the same way. Because when my friends ask me to go for a week. I would rather stay home with her than leave, and thats not healthy either, right? How do I learn to have fun without her? I think thats just a consequence of my whole mistrust issue. Because I cant deal with being away from her. Because its the fear of the unknown. The fear that some way, somehow, something COULD happen.
     
  7. :werd:

    I don't see myself trusting another girl for a long, LONG time... Unfortunately because of that I don't think I will have another successful relationship with a girl for at least a couple years+...

    Cheaters do suck... the things they blindly do to peoples' heads that they once "loved" blows my mind... :(
     
  8. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    I know what you mean. But this girl seems to be perfect for me. For once in my life I feel really loved and cared for. I cant through this away, just because I have this problem. I want to learn to get over it and holdon to the one thing I love. I just dont even know where to start. So many problems I have because of my first SO. And ofcourse when its your first, it hurts a million times worse. Dont get me wrong, she was the biggest bitch. I never even saw myself with her past say 6 month. But the damage she has done might endup costing me perhaps the one thing, that I will never find again. :wtc:
     
  9. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    That is exactly what I feel. I feel that I have the one thing in the world, that every man wants. And if I dont protect it, I will lose it. I know its not right. And it makes me the crazy possessive asshole that I am. And even though I dont always take it out on her, It kills me constantly.

    Of course I want to learn to trust. Which is why I am here asking for all your help. I dont want to lose her for anything. Would any of you have a clue on some literature that I could pickup to read ? I am really serious about changing myself for her, because she deserves it. She deserves much better than what I put her through. :wtc:
     
  10. KillaLadY

    KillaLadY Guest

    When you love someone, that means you trust them. There is NO way you can love someone WITH conditions. Love is unconditional, so when you say you do, that means you accept their life, their friends, their life, their trips, their job... everything.

    My x used to do that, he used to tell me to come home at a certain hour and I thought he was being posessive and well... he was, but I never knew why. He was cheating behind my back and the way he was looking at things was if he can do it, then so can I, right? So everytime he would think about what he did to me, he would get angry, because he would picture me cheating on him and that would get him MAD. So, unless you resolve that problem with yourself, you CANNOT expect her to be with you. I am not saying you are cheating you her, I am saying that you have no right to compare her with your x and most importantly, you have NO right on telling her you love her and that you want her to give you another change if you can't make her happy.

    Because being a tyrant does NOT make her happy. Not resolving your issues reflects upon your actions towards her. You NEED to take care of those before you can ask for another chance. If you think you can't do it with her by your side, then you have to let her go. Because in NO way your relationship is going to work unless you start trusting her like you should. And next time you tell her you love her, think about what I said...

    Good luck.
     
  11. Meltdown

    Meltdown Guest

    It sounds like this problem isn't going to go away without changing your lifestyle at least a LITTLE bit. I really feel like it would probably be healthy for you to hang out with your friends a bit more, and have fun when you do it.

    Also, you may want to consider going to see a counselor. I know it can be expensive, but there are places that it's free sometimes(schools or counseling interns). It's something to look into.

    Good luck.
     
  12. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    I know, I dont have much time, I promised her that If I keep on being the way I was to her lats week, that I will end it myself. She is going away from 2 weeks in a week or so. I guess that will be first opportunity to learn a new way of dealing with her absence. Overcoming the bad thoughts, hopefuly getting rid of them all together.

    I've tried going away with my friends while shes gone, and that didnt really work. I tend to be the same way if not worse when I am away from home. I guess because athome I have tons of things to keep me feeling somewhat better. Pictures, things...

    I also want to learn to leave her and have fun without her. Like my friends invited me to go to canada for a week, just for fun. I dont see how I could leave her and have fun without her. Which makes me wonder about how can she do that? Does she not love me as much if she is able to do so? It hurts me when I think about it. Because I dont want a minute apart from her. And she does from me. But then I think about how I am just being possessive all over again. And its probably healthy for her to want to leave my dumbass once in a while, and have fun without me. :wtc:
     
  13. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    The thing is, I make her so happy. She says so. Every aspect of our relationship is perfect except this one. These are her exact words. When we are together, 99% of the time we are the happiest ever. Its when she is away, things get fucked up.
     
  14. KillaLadY

    KillaLadY Guest

    It seems to me like you're dependent on her. It seems to me that your life is around her and you completely forgot about yourself. You're so worried about trying to make her happy, or at least you think that what you're doing right now you're making her happy.
    You need to worry about yourself as well and by doing so, it will help in your relationship. Stop being so hard on yourself, get up and have your own life. I used to think that everything I do has to be for my x, but that's not life.

    What you feel for her is not love, it's called obsession and I am telling you this because I was there.
    No matter what anyone here, or your friends or relatives will tell you, it's ALL up to you to realise that and do something about it.
     
  15. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    I am not sure about the difference. When I think of love, I think about caring about someone more than I care for myself. If I am indeed obsessed with her, what do I do not to be so ? Wouldnt that mean I have to be less caring or something ? :confused:
     
  16. KillaLadY

    KillaLadY Guest

    No, no... you would still do anything for them. You still share everything and put them in front of you.
    But your decisions, way of thinking and lifestyle doesn't change FOR them, but for yourself. Most importantly, you need to feel free in a relationship and they need to feel free as well. Sometimes you may act like her parents and believe me, that's not what she is looking for, obviously because she HAS parents. She needs to feel free... but you need to understand this term and so does she. Free doesn't mean disrespecting the other.

    And what you are feeling is not so much lack of trust, but envy. If she is going away somewhere, you may feel jealous that you are not in her place and then idiotic thoughts cme to mind - like cheating. That's why everyone here is telling you you need to have your own life, so then you can enjoy it. She feels like a caged bird and you won't do that to someone you love, now would you?
     
  17. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    first of all everything you say makes sense to me. Let me comment on that quote though. It is not that I envy her going somewhere. Believe me, I dont care about going there. It just makes me feel as If I am not important to her and its easy for her to leave me behind and go have fun with her friends without me. Of course this is probably the product of me not trusting her. :confused:
     
  18. KillaLadY

    KillaLadY Guest

    That's exactly it. Believe me, you have all the answers to your situation, it's just that you need someone that has been there to pretty much get them out for you.

    You ARE important to her, hence the reason why she is with you, but there are things in her life that she loves doing and if you love someone then you have to let them enjoy life. Feeling pressured in a relationship is the downfall of it. It's not like you are married, or not even engaged. AND essentially, you are young as well, and I am not sure whether or not you live together.

    Right now, with my current b/f, we FEEL and ARE free. If I want to go away for the week-end, I will first ask him if he wants to come and if he says no, and I still want to go, then I am going and he never ONCE will feel bad about it. There are also situations where my work may send me away for the week-end, or for an entire week and I may choose to stay an extra day or two because I make new friends or whatever, but he will never tell me or make me feel bad. Of course, I can't wait to come home after that, because... it's MY CHOICE to come home, because I miss him and I love him and I want to be back in his arms.

    But situations arise and if you really want her in your life, you have to make her feel comfortable. Oh, and one more thing: if you think you can't do that, then if you love her and want her to be happy, you have to let her go. And I KNOW for a fact that what you're thinking right now is that you're afraid of being alone, or you're afraid that you won't find anyone like her, or better. Well, I am going to be honest, you will NOT find anyone like her, but you will find better. And better means better for you because anyone like her will not work out, won't be compatible with you.
     
  19. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    I have to do it. Its not that we are not compatible. Hell, it could be any other girl and I would lover her and do the same thing to her. I know its not healthy on my part, which is why I want to leard to deal with it.
     
  20. KillaLadY

    KillaLadY Guest

    My b/f's roomate has a drug problem. And I mean a REALLY big one. And every day he comes home, he's high. And I am talking about heavy perks and coke. And then he sees my b/f and I and gets depressed because we are clean and want to have a good life. And he starts talking about it, EVERY day how that day will be the last day he does them and he needs to get his life together and he will go to the doctor and get himself checked because he feels like he's going to die soon.

    He's been talking about this for 3 years... every day. He doesn't do anything about it.

    Please don't be like him... if you really want to keep something good in your life, just get up and do it. And don't expect changes overnight, do it slowly and do it for yourself, NOT for her.
     
  21. Meltdown

    Meltdown Guest

    KillaLady, you = :bigthumb:
     
  22. KillaLadY

    KillaLadY Guest

    Meltdown, thank you. :wavey:
     
  23. 95aCc0rD

    95aCc0rD Guest

    I just went through the same problem ChosenGSR, and it does suck, she broke up with me a week and a half ago. Due to all the trust issues that I had, she couldn't take it anymore, I felt the exact same way you did, even if she went out with her freinds, now look at what it has come to. I've begged her to give me a second chance, and she just recently said she doesn't see us together again, and it does suck. There are days were it just kills me inside, and I try to look forward to meeting someone new, but at the same time I want her back, but I hope that time will tell. She's the only girl that I have ever, wanted to be with for a long time, and my first to lose my V too. I can't believe it went all down the black hole.

    Hang in there, i'm still hanging in there. Best bet, I regret doing is sitting down and talking to her about everything. If I had done that I am pretty sure it wouldn't have ended up like this.
     
  24. 95aCc0rD

    95aCc0rD Guest

    One more thing to add on, I couldn't trust her because of something she did behind my back. But it wasn't to an extent where it was a goodbye. But after that point, was hell for me in everything she went to go do without me. She tried to regain my trust, but at the same time she fucked up again. So she fucked up twice. Which was even harder on me. But I still wanted to be with her, and so did she, but she said she just couldn't take it.
     
  25. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    sorry to hear that bro :( . My girl loves me very much and wants to be with me. Just cant take the kind of pain and possessivnes I put her through often enough. I mean when we were thinking about weather or not we should break up, she said she doesnt know what she would do without me becaus she loves me so much and doesnt want to be with someone else. I feel exactly the same way, I just have to learn to trust her when she goes away.

    Like yesterday she was telling me about all the stuff she did while she was in cali. She told me about their group hanging out with guys they meet there and stuff. It bothered me abit, but not much. I think thats a firs step, no to whine about it.

    Of course some of her girlfriends are the kind of girls that just comeup and hit on guys and such. and talk about how they wanna suck someones dick 24/7. Which makes me worried all the time also. I mean they are pretty cool, just afraid that they will bring on unwated attention. Of course she says that nothing her friends do effects her in any way. Which is hard to believe.
     

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