SRS knight in shining armor

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by daxtrader, Jan 12, 2008.

  1. daxtrader

    daxtrader New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2007
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Question: Why are some guys always attracted to girls with a ton of problems? Why do they seek to be the knight in shining armor that saves them from their troubles?

    My past relationships have always been with emotionally unstable girls. One girl had a father that was always abusive to her mother. She would tell me stories and I would in turn feel sorry for her and did everything in my power to make her happy. Result? She bounced.

    Another relationship involved this chick that hadn't experienced much in life due to her strict parents. I felt I had to "show" her the world. Result? She bounced.

    Now the most recent one was a few months ago. Very self-conscious even though she had absolutely no reason to be so self-conscious. Big time attention whore. I always felt I needed to show her how hot she was. Result? She bounced. I haven't spoken to this one in months but sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I'll think about her and hope that she's happy. I know it's unhealthy for me to even think of her. She didn't seem to give a shit about me.

    Anyway, I've done a lot of reading since then and been following some of the advice on OT. It's been really helpful and now I'm beginning to see how my attitude in all these relationships was precisely the reason for the way they all ended. Maybe some of you can chime in with your expertise and tell us why some guys are always attracted to unstable girls?
     
  2. willdawg69

    willdawg69 Guest

    My opinion is that it is hard wired into our heads starting as young children. All the stories in life, movies, school about women in distress and needing a knight in shining armor to rescue them. This is imposed on us from a society that still thinks chivalry is still alive. Although life experience has taught me that this is not what most women are really looking for. They like it and appreciate it no doubt but it gets boring to them. Women want a man who has his own ideas and concerns that he puts first. I think as much as we want to be a knight in shining armor women want to be the woman by our sides helping us through our problems. So after trying to be the guy who solves all the problems of these girls just to be hung out to dry I have decided to put my on problems and priorities first and to be honest I have much better luck with the ladies and been able to get my life going in the right direction. Hope this helps.
     
  3. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    It's not just guys, there are plenty of girls that go after unstable guys and try to "fix" them. It usually has something to do with how you were raised. What was your family like? Were your parents divorced/abusive/fought a lot/never there for you/overprotective?
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,752
    Likes Received:
    0
    It can be rewarding to feel like you are fixing someone's problem. And there is no competition.

    However, after enough time, you get tired of all the crap that comes with someone with serious emotional baggage, so you move on.
     
  5. eljacko129

    eljacko129 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    0
    Dude i have the same problem. I feel for you. Its always the crazy ones that we fall for.

    We look back on it and say, "damn, why the hell did i do that?"

    My advice to you is to look before you leap. Weigh the odds and then make an informed decision.
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Because they themselves usually have a lot of problems. It's usually proportionate. The degree that one is suffering is close to the degree the other is. The difference is the symptom of how they're facing problems or experiencing them. That's the simple answer. It gets far more complex when you discuss the control factors, the savior complex, and a lot of other things.

    Not surprising in the least. The lesson here is that the moment you notice signs of disturbance, it's wise to walk away in order to protect yourself.

    Perhaps in your past you couldn't save yourself, or another woman in your life you cared about was being mistreated and you were powerless. It's also possible you have a disturbed outlook on relationships. We all want to protect others and help others, but it becomes dysfunctional when we try to make them conform to our idea about how they should be saved. I've seen it here on the forum. People push an agenda while trying to be helpful, but inevitably are actually doing more harm because the desire to help is coming from a place other than with that person's sincerest best interest. Most people don't even realize when or why they're doing it, but it's usually because they themselves don't have control over their own lives.

    That's right. It seems you're attracted to women who can both use you as well as you can act out the desire to be needed and wanted. At any point in time in your personal life -- before romantic relationships, did you feel you weren't needed or wanted?

    The conclusion, birds of a feather flock together. If a man is attracted to unstable women, he himself is unstable in someway and must face that. If he's not aware of what it might be, he ought to seek counseling and or pursue ideas as you have.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2008
  7. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    I'm gonna have to go with Dr. Drew's comfort theory here.

    People are drawn to their "comfort zones" which are established early in life. Even tho they may obviously be bad, like abusive relationships, it's still how their brain perceives "comfort" and so they seek that type of situation out (even if unconsciously).

    It's part of why some people always go after the same type of person, over and over again.
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yes, very much so.
     
  9. Tzuma

    Tzuma New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    1,449
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ventura County, CA
    For me, prior to meeting the fiance, it was always a matter of being able to provide happiness to someone to make them feel better about the world. People that consistently got screwed by a former partner, people with mental issues, etc. Even when I didnt know anything about them, there was an attraction I couldnt place - subconciously I picked up on the fact they needed help.

    I think a big part of it was my ever-increasing need to be liked. I wanted to always be that guy - the one that wasnt the stereotype, the one that could make anyone around me happy. A decent goal, but not very healthy. I found that as I couldnt fix all the problems (mental, health etc) I found myself distancing myself from the relationship, sometimes feeling a twinge of failure - or inability to make them happy (despite them being perfectly happy with the relationship itself).

    For me, getting over that and finding someone who wasnt ' crazy' or unstable, or without major complications was a matter of getting over myself. I had to learn that I cant fix everything, and that my own well being is just as important. It took one of those past relationships to teach me that.

    A girl I was dating that had major health concerns would get mad at me for trying to help her thru bad days. What finally clicked was that she didnt want/need someone to fix it - she just needed someone to be there. Just like everyone else.

    That relationship taught me that you dont have to be a knight in shining armor. You simply have to make yourself available. Ive been much happier (obviously) in my relationships since.
     

Share This Page