FRK Kinky relationships v.virgin crew

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by eighteen_psi, Jan 8, 2007.

  1. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    So I’m strongly considering joining a local lifestyle organization to hang out, learn, meet people and what not. I don’t have a problem with this in its own right per but it brought a couple old issues to the forefront and I could use some help. (Long post forthcoming)

    To begin, I’ve now been in a couple somewhat freaky relationships but I’ve yet to find anyone that works for me as far as my ideals, vanilla and otherwise (more on this later). My last real, long-term relationship ended for various reasons, and while a lack of kinky interest wasn’t one of them, it could have been eventually because it didn’t seem to be there. I seem to have grown tremendously in my enjoyment of such things :noes: I’m not afraid of what I’m into (even though it seems to change), and I don’t have any legitimate fear of reprisal for something I may or may not do but…

    All that said, I’m still a practicing religious guy and am finding my obligations, feelings and such increasingly at odds with my enjoyment of things freaky. As it has applied most directly, most recently, is that I’m a virgin, and have always intended to stay that way until I’m married (with the theory being to remain that way for good, right?). Fair enough, but now it’s directly cost me a relationship with someone I cared deeply about and whom I got along with extremely well as far as the kink is concerned. I’ve never been ashamed of my decision and it usually surprises and impresses women I’m with. But anyway, point is now it’s had a direct and consequence in that the loss of my first seemingly viable kink relationship hurt in a way I didn't think I could be hurt anymore.

    Not that not having sex means you can’t enjoy a little kink..or a lot (I’m not the only one here who knows this), but it should be said hard limits like this make things tough. And realistically, that’s been a problem. I either find people who are compatible with my expectations and goals on the vanilla side (religious and otherwise), or people who are into compatible flavors of kink. I had a somewhat frightening epiphany when it occurred to me that I may not, in fact, ever be able to reconcile the two camps.

    So back to the beginning here, I’ve got no shortage of places to meet women similarly inclined on the vanilla side but playing the odds there means I’ll probably be playing for a very long time. I’m thinking maybe I’ll have better luck approaching from the other side? If nothing else, kink-oriented people aren’t too likely to be ‘freaked out’ by my requirements in a relationship… right? So I’m going to an orientation meet later this month to get things started and may join up at that point and see where it goes.

    I know we have at least one couple on here who are in the same boat I’m in (or at least were, I have no idea :run: ). Not that I have any idea what their reasons for holding off are, and they’re into some things I wouldn’t be comfortable with while dating but it still makes me happy every time I see one of ‘em post. On some level it gives me evidence that this fouled-up situation can in fact work out. Do these individuals (or anyone else) have any general feedback or suggestions on making a platonically-restrained kinky relationship work? Or on my idea for finding similarly interested people? I guess I figure I can’t be the only one in my situation lurking around trying to get their feet wet.

    Also information, cautions, suggestions etc. about lifestyle organizations, meets and what not are welcome as I have no clue what I’m doing in that respect either. Think I’m out of my mind? You’re in good company :hs:
     
  2. Carpet Liquor

    Carpet Liquor New Member

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    I'm lost, you keep mention vanilla, and then "kink", usually in the same sentance.

    I think this is more of a relationship question, where sex is becoming a larger issue that IMO should be.

    Yes we all have desires for something not so vanilla at times, some of of us even less than others. lol Determining type of sexual exploits that someone is into is difficult without being in a relationship for some time, in most cases. Some women will be pretty forthcoming about what they want or don't want, and that's a nice breath of fresh air when that happens, you can deterine early one what they like or don't like.

    I think your belifs about actual intercourse will be the largest hurdle here, most peale that are into freak associate that with intercourse and so most people won't understand your needs or beliefs here. I applaud that, as I wish at times I had waited, at others not so much. :lol:
     
  3. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Maybe you should just PM Shortcake & The Repair Man? It sounds like you just need to find someone who understands sexual fulfillment doesn't have to mean intercourse.

    Can't help you on the lifestyles thing. Nothing like that here in the Frozen Bowels of Hell. I can tell you that in my situation, we found friends with other common interests and the "kink" sort of worked itsself out later.

    Good luck. I hope you find your Cake!
     
  4. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    This post is going to take awhile so im gonna go write in Word and then post it back here for you, because I do have alot to say about this.

    The Repair Man may make himself present in this thread here in a few days prob hes got to work tonight and tomorrow.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
  5. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    Ok it seems that I am a female version of you, except for the wanting to be a in a lifestyle club thing. I hope that I answered some questions and if I didnt fire away.


    I am a devout practicing Christian, with that said I met my current boyfriend when I was not so devout and practicing. We both had no idea that each other was into the freaky. Our sexual relationship flourished as our emotional relationship did. We met at the end of fall semester 03 and we practically lived together in my dorm room spring 04. We are long distance and the winter break we talked over IM and called each other on the phone. We got back that January 04 and the rest is history, its 3 years this month. Trust is a big thing with us not only because of our distance apart but because of the freaky things we do. We have confidence in each other that we wont take the other one farther than we want to go.

    Now he and I don’t see eye to eye on the church thing. He understands I go to church and some other stuff and that’s about it. One of the things he also understands is that I also would like to remain a virgin until I get married. For religious reasons I keep this vow, also because a relationship changes and becomes more difficult (that I have seen) when sex (even not actual intercourse) is involved. In addition, I worry, a lot, even with all the bc and condoms in the world I don’t want to chance getting pregnant, because my life situation is not prepared to raise a child. Also, if i dropped my pants for all the guys that said "Oh I love you I want to be with you, lets have sex" I would have been deflowered a long time ago by a guy that didnt love me and thought I was a piece of meat on his arm. For me virginity is the last stage of innocence, once you give it up you cant have it back.

    As far as the kink in the sex goes I haven’t found anything that says you cant. There does have to be hard boundaries set in the beginning of the relationship to define what you desire, and what you require in the relationship. I know TV doesn’t reflect reality all the time, but I was watching a show awhile back about a girl dating. Her dating counselor asked her why didn’t she in her last relationship; by the 3rd date ask about having kids and stance on marriage etc.etc because those are things she was looking for. She said because she was having “fun,” the counselor then said to her you became his good time girl because you gave off that impression because you or he did not bring it up. You need to state what your looking for sexually and whole relationship wise early on, so you dont get too attached and then cost you more in the end.

    I don’t know what religion you are, but in Christianity a lot of times boys and girls are taught to not know their bodies. They are to know basic things like boobs and vaginas and penises. But as part of being sexually in tune with themselves that’s a big (no no smiley). So the “good” girls you might meet in religious settings maybe freaks and just don’t know it because they are so sexually dejected from themselves they don’t know what to want and what not to want. Sometimes falling away from God is a good thing because then you can get more promiscuous and find out what you like, like in my case. Men can be the same way, I have heard of guys being in relationships with not so much as a kiss between them, because they are afraid of offending God and defiling themselves before marriage. (although its rare now, hehe)

    The freaky people you meet can be a bit turned off by your “religious practices” because then you seem holier than thou, and then they become turned off with you, not all the time but sometimes.

    [FONT=&quot]The balance is very delicate, and you sometimes have to compromise with what you want and what you need. Some of the things that Repair Man and I have done, we have looked back and said we don’t want to do that, that wasn’t pleasurable. Asking questions like “are we doing this because we think its freaky or because OT thinks its freaky?”

    If the previous girl broke up with you becuasae you wouldnt have sex with her (i know not only reason for breakup) then she wasnt in the long run for you. Your virginity is something you shouldnt comprise on if you feel this strongly about it. Some people may think its just your V-card but there is alot more too for certian people than others.
    [/FONT]
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
  6. curt698

    curt698 New Member

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    As others have mentioned I'm a little counfused about your boundries. I believe that you can be kinky inside of a mangomus (sp?) relationship but lifestyle clubs often are about sharing. Also if you are doing everthing but intercorse because of a religious belief I think you missed the point. Virginity for religion is being chased and pure. If you are a freak be a freak.
     
  7. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    A few things to clear up:

    - I'm attending a meet or two in plain-clothes settings for now, later more along the lines of seminars and such. I'm considering it as another option to be around people and possibly run into someone I find interesting. My take is there’s nothing wrong with being educated on the matter so you have half a clue when you do in fact get busy.

    - I am by no means going the 'everything but' route. Where exactly my boundaries lie and for what reasons aren't a topic of discussion for this thread, sorry. As I’m sure some people here area aware though, you can put plenty of meaning into a kiss or a simple grab of an arm or something like that, and that’s always worked for me when dealing with someone er, ‘similarly interested’ It doesn’t take much.

    - There isn’t really any question whether or not I’ve made the right call in waiting or not – it’s a decision that works for me. The point I was trying to make is this: I was interested in the kinky side of things in a theoretical way before, and was more or less willing to ‘give up’ what I was into to be with someone to fits my religious ideals. Now that I’ve been in a relationship that leaned that way, I’m pretty certain I’d rather not give that up, and that’s what put me in this bind.

    - I was brought up Catholic and practice regularly – Fortunately I’m not short on the education side of things myself, but I recognize that there are plenty who are. I also realize he danger of appearing self-important or condescending – it’s something I’d certainly have to juggle, Just as juggling talk of anything sexual – kissing included - with some of the more traditional girls I’ve been with is dangerous. I’ve found that the ‘sexually dejected’ women (good description) are often willing to be intimate but are in no way whatsoever willing to discuss what they’ve done. This is unfortunate :(

    That should help fill in some of the gaps in the story I guess – I re-read it and while its long it still seems clear to me what I’m looking for with respect to kinky vs. vanilla – but to help define that, when I say vanilla I mean ‘traditional’ ideals – like things I want/need out of a relationship that are NOT freak-related. And there are plenty – I don’t now and probably will never define my relationship-seeking goals as primarily to find someone with a compatible level of kink. But again, having had that and lost it clarifies to me that some degree is something I absolutely do want.

    Thanks in particular to Shortcake again, who nailed it quite precisely. I’ve often been the man you speak of and while it is rare we’re still out here. To finish though, I won’t be compromising on my end, period. I don’t doubt someone who works out all around will turn up but the idea is to add another avenue for that to happen, not go hog-wild against what I believe. One of my friends pointed out that being local, I may in fact run into someone cross-liked with the religious aspect of my life who is just not willing to be open about that outside of a secure context.

    We’ll see how it goes. Moderation in all things, right? :hsd:

    edit -
    Also, that's 'chaste' :mamoru:
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
  8. curt698

    curt698 New Member

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    After that post I think your golden. There is a woman out there who can worship with you and still be a wildcat in bed and experiment sexually. Church and kinky sex aren't apposed at all in my book. Like I said a lot of folks on here like to share sex with others and their partner which might fall outside of your beliefs but I've never read thou shall not tie up your wife.
     
  9. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    :bigthumb:
     
  10. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    The amount of people viewing this thread is disturbing :eek3:
     
  11. montout

    montout New Member

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    I lost my OG STATUS!!! =( =( =(
    male lurker here...

    shortcake85 you're awesome. I'm feel the exact same way as you! It's good to know i'm not alone with the same situation. :hs:

    eighteen psi- i hope you'll find what you're looking for... i know i'm still looking. 1 in a million- virgin + kinky + willing to wait until marriage? haha so rare.
     
  12. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    :ughug:
    ...but exclusive crew FTW I suppose :wavey:
     
  13. The Repair Man

    The Repair Man New Member

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    Wow, I feel special to be quoted, and of all the people from FS to quote me I didnt think it would be ogre. Yay me, thanks for noticiing.


    Anyway, shortycakey85 made a big post, I'll prolly make one in a day or so, as she said I have to work again tonight and its 12+ hour days so I'm not so inclined to make a long post right now but I will later.
     
  14. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    you know i hate to screw with your realities but i'd like you to ask "someone of power in your religion" (for ex a priest) if what you are doing is OK. because i already know the answer is no. the bible will not say "thou art forbiddeth to putteth the buttplug in thy anus whilst thy boyfriend wacketh to erect representations of a mule".

    So if you are trying to follow your religious beliefs, follow them, but not half-assed.

    If these are PERSONAL beliefs and you just mis-expressed them as religious then forget what i said. Being the rationalist I am, i'd say get married, lose your virginity, get divorced, and be free to kink how you like including sex. look, you broke no one's "hard rules" =P . if divorce is forbidden then get married under god and not under law, thereby allowing you to have sex, and then part ways. this way you stay "married" and have sex with whoever you like, and its not cheating since its in agreement. problem solved
     
  15. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    We each have our own special knowledge. I'm an Ogre not a moron :mamoru: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
     
  16. The Repair Man

    The Repair Man New Member

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    I know, but the one person in FS that knows me outside of OT (other than shortycakers) isnt you but only cause you and your friends dont hang out w/ us. That and she isnt on here anymore :(
     
  17. dazed

    dazed New Member

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    My girlfriend and I are int he same boat. It's been 2 years since we started dating and she wants to wait until marriage.

    Now, we still have a great time in bed, just without intercourse. Foreplay, oral, etc, etc. I don't know what your idea of "kink" exactly is.

    For her, she just doesn't want to have intercourse before marriage, but other sexual things are okay.

    What's your position?

    P.S. - Getting married Summer '08 :hsd:
     
  18. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    I haven't read the whole thread, but do you read or post at bondage.com? You may bea ble to find a bit more of what you are looking for there... or find people that will point yout o munches and meet in your area that may cater to what you want.

    tigre and i played at BDSM long before intercourse was involved...... as for the religious part, i can't coment on that as i am not involved in that sort of thing.
     
  19. Soybomb

    Soybomb New Member

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    Well you're being kind of vague and general so I'll just throw in on what I think is going on. There are quite a number of people who will don't think bdsm play has to involve sex, although I suspect the majority would. I also think you're going to find a diverse number of people in the bdsm community from a wide range of religions who are going to be accepting because of that. You are talking about a very sexually liberal crowd though so I suspect there would be many that wont.

    All you can do is go to a meet, and be open and honest about who you are and see what reaction you get. Personally I don't think I'd be interested if such a girl approached me, but its a diverse crowd...
     
  20. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    **The Platonic ideal of love is defined as chaste but passionate, based not on disinterest but virtuous restraint of sexual desire. ** - That's where I'm coming from.

    Certainly in for your perspective :) I considered PMing you both and not posting this, but I figured this was for the best - I expected there to be people who didn't get it but that's nothing new :mamoru:

    This topic has been discussed at length with more than one priest - they're my first-level go-to in most cases. My overall limits, positions and ethic as it relates directly to BDSM and otherwise sexual-type behavior is guided in majority by these discussions. I'm comfortable with where I ended up (pre-marital anyway) - the idea is to find someone else who is, and who fits my religious & 'real-world' ideals but who isn't afraid to get into the kinky things I enjoy. As for the rest... :rofl:

    Like I said before, certainly not 'anything but'. My exact limits are between me, my partner and God to work out but I'll leave it at 'quite conservative.' And like I said, someone who is interested, even slightly, can tell exactly where I'm going with a particular action, no matter now benign it is. The goal is to find someone both similarly interested and similarly restrained.

    I powerlurk there - but I will be getting more active as I really do like it. And please read my two bigass posts at least if you haven't, you and tigre are another two I really want to chime in.

    The reaction I've seen thus far (that in fact is my exact tactic) is mostly ":cool: but not my thing" I need to find someone for whom it is their thing.

    Thanks for the input guys, it's valuable :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2007
  21. dumb_end_user

    dumb_end_user Sad Gus

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    The first time I went to a club orientation I was scared shitless. I had been such a shy person up to that point and I was so self consumed just by being there that I was uncomfortable. The orientation itself was OK but I decided against staying for the evenings event planned there for after the orientation. (I did, however, become a member). I left and had all sorts of things going on in my head - I couldn't even make it all the way home I had to pull over at one point and get out of the car to relax.

    Ironically enough, the orientation itself has been one of the biggest mind-fucks I have encountered.

    The orientation was bad enough but by the time I got up the nerve to attend the first event there I was a wreck. I remember that as I was driving there I was concerned. I pulled into the gas station up the street from the place to get a soda and thought to myself that I had made it close enough and that I could call it a victory and go home. I decided that that was chicken shit so I continued to the parking lot of the club where I went through the same thing all over again :mamoru:. i don't know how long I sat in the parking lot - long enough to drain the soda I know that :) Something just clicked in my mind and I remember just deciding then and there that it was time for me to grow up as a person and go for it. That and I had to pee.

    Once I finally got my head straight I had a great time there, even met someone who I still, um, hang out with :hsugh:.

    Do you have any specific questions?

    I was going to type out a long winded response but figured I'd stick to specifics if that makes things easier.
     
  22. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    Ok. I see where you are now.

    Find yourself someone into orgasmic denial and Chastity play 24/7 and you should be set ;)

    really and truly, i cannot comment on waiting. I waited for tigre not because of any lofty idea or anything. I just had no other opportunity presentedt o me to lose my virginity before then and i wasnt about to look to some random person to do it. At the time when i asked him to be my first, I loved and trusted him as a friend enough to make it a special thing between the 2 of us being that we DID have a fair bit of play between us and some history.

    As for our play that doesn't involve the physical aspects of sex, there is sooooo much you can do with a person to show your passion, they just need to be 'speaking the same language' as you and feeling those passions with you onthe same level to keep you and themselves fullfilled, even inthose terms of restraint. You need ot find yourself a smart person, one very in tune with themselves....most of the time you WON'T find a virgin that feels that way... it may have taken a few fuckups along the wa to get to that state.... you never know tho, you may find one.

    Also, sadly inthe world of kink, you're going to find it HARD to find someone in your age group that has FULLY realized their desires and that has concrete desires that won't change so much too quickly that they will want to push you into Another conflict of your vow to yourself for their own pleasures/growth.


    My advice for your finding a long term partner: find yourself an open minded partner that shares your MORAL values and daily life things, but that is aperson open to ideas in the sexual aspect of ther relationship. one that will communicate with you, one that will enjoy the tension of platonic passion without needing a physical release.
     
  23. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    The process of working up to calling and setting this crap up has been for me, no doubt. Not that I don't enjoy that on some level :hs:

    I'll work on some later...for now your post was already insightful as it mirrored my own experience fairly closely.

    :hsugh: been there from both sides - so awesome :bowdown: ...from both sides.

    The 'same language' is exactly what I'm talking about - I've been able to induce shakes and intense need in partners with just a firm hold, a quick kiss and a long stare - but it takes the right person. If it isn't, it doesn't work in the first place, or alternatively it does and they resent the fact that I put the brakes on. As far as the same age group...well, I typically date older anyway :bigthumb: The crazy kinkster mentioned in here though was younger by a couple years :squint: I knew it wouldn't work from fairly early on, and I knew it'd suck big when it ended but it was just too interesting to break off. The masochist in me perhaps? :coolugh:

    Thanks guys...really. So much insight in here. Keep it coming? :wavey:
    FS > all.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2007
  24. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    TTT for great justice and more input. I'm going to an orientation the 20th and I'm all :noes: in the mean time. What usually goes down at these orientations anyway :hsugh: Do people sit around and talk about themselves or does someone usually come to fill newbs in on general info...or what? :dunno:
     

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