SRS kind of long..but please read..i'm lost..

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by lost04, Oct 7, 2006.

  1. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    Hello my fellow offtopicers. Let me write some thoughts down and you tell me what you think, cuz I’m totally lost, confuse and not quite sure what to make of myself.
    I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life. On some levels I’m ok with that; I mean all the offers that I’ve gotten have never been so great. They’ve either been too horny (for my taste), too controlling, or too immature.

    In the past year, I’ve met a few possible potentials but age was always a drawback (they in their late 20‘s and me at 19)..that and me not knowing what their intentions were.

    The first one was a coworker. Tall, dark and handsome he was. Just seeing him working at his desk everyday made me smile. Every time he came by my workstation so did a surge of euphoria. The more I got to know him, the more I grew to like him. He is everything that I ever want in a man. He’s one of those good guys..you know..kind, compassionate, loving, and caring. He is perfect in every sense of the word. We went to lunch twice..I was only working there for three weeks…I had worked there the summer before and had just returned for xmas break. During the summer I didn’t talk to him much..but during xmas…there were a few flirtatious conversations..on our second luncheon, two days before my last day there, we exchanged numbers and talked about getting together so he could cook me his famous carne asada. On my last day there he didn’t even say bye to me. After making my rounds--saying bye to other coworkers--he was already gone. Now…I don’t know what’s going through his mind. Maybe I was just his office flirt, I don’t know--the thing is: I don’t think he’s that kind of man. Other scenarios that I’ve come up with are: 1) maybe after thinking about it he realize how big the age gap between us was (he 27, and I 19), 2) maybe he’s just shy, not sure what to say, or 3) maybe a different coworker (let’s call him Tony) told him a lie about me--at the same time Tony was trying to get me to date his friend which I went on a few dates with but had no interest in. Tony, himself, has a great crush on me, that’s a known fact. He’s told people around the office that we kissed before, which is so not true. So the idea of him tainting my crush’s head with lies is not farfetched. I hope that’s not the case. But yea..every since my last day there I’ve never heard from the guy again. It’s been 10 months now..and I still think of him.

    The weird thing is 3 months ago, I met another guy (let‘s call him Brian). He reminded me so much of my dreamy coworker lol. The minute I laid eyes on him I was totally drawn to him. I met him at school. The problem is he’s 30. Can you believe it?!?! Just my luck. But yea…we talked, connected, and exchanged contacts,. But when the class ended, it too ended.

    NOW…LET”S ANALYZE…in both cases they both made all the moves. They were the ones who initiated all the conversations, the ones to came to flirt with me every time they could, and they were first ones to make sure that we had each other’s contact info. I’m one of those people who don’t speak unless spoken to. I keep to myself. So it’s not like I pushed myself on them, you know. If they didn’t like me, I don’t think they would have flirted with me as much as they did. You know?? It’s just so frustrating not knowing how they felt. Maybe they just want to be friends..Well if that’s the case, that’s still no reason to not call me. They could just call to see what’s up, you know???

    It’s been so long now, but I’m still lingering on the thought of him (my coworker--I like him a little bit more than the 2nd guy lol). Urgh…life sucks..Let me know what you think.
    I think about him everyday. It’s like I put him on a pedestal. I compare him to everyone who crosses my path. Which makes it impossible to let other guys in, because I’ve seen what I want in a man, and a part of me is just not willing to settle for anything less. So my question is: should a girl settle?? Or should she wait?? All good things come in time, right? Or is that wrong? Patience is a virtue??? I don’t know. Help! Another thing is..I don’t mind being single much to tell you the truth. I’m not ashamed. My friends make it a big deal sometimes that I’ve never kissed a guy, but this is what I think: the whole fuss about having a boyfriend and kissing a boy is so overrated. In our teen years it was cool to have a bf to kiss boys. And I think a lot of girls dated and kissed boys just so they can say that they did, you know…the way I see now, is I’ve waited this long…so I might as well wait longer to do it (kiss) someone I actually have feelings for you know..Not just anyone just to say that I have.

    And so now..I wait. For my Mr. right. I don’t know if he exists, but after meeting my coworker, I’m sure that he does exist. So I’m not all sad that my coworker hasn’t called, you now…I don’t regret meeting him. I don’t regret having to live everyday thinking about him, because meeting him only makes more hopeful..It assures me that there are still “good guys” in this world.

    BUT YEA…LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK. I KNOW I’VE RAMBLE A LOT--IT ONLY GOES TO SHOW HOW TRULY “LOST” I AM. I HAVE MORE TO SAY, BUT I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BORE YOU GUYS ANY MORE THAN I’VE HAD. SO THANKS FOR READING. :bowdown:
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I think you should actually try dating someone. You're way up in your head.

    Start by setting boundaries. Next time you meet someone you feel so strongly about as you did with this fellow, try dating him.

    *Note that I didn't say sleep with him or do anything against your personal wishes or beliefs.

    Simply that you really need to start engaging other people in relationships, even on a minor level, so you start to learn what it is to actually BE in a relationship.

    Most of the stuff of your post is purely fantasy, and trite little he said/she said/he kissed/she kissed little games, which ultimately are damaging and serve no purpose.



    I strongly advise you to NOT get caught up in that pointless crap, and stop all that useless speculation, and which I see that some part of you enjoys, because it's "safe", or at least safer than actually engaging in a relationship and risking something of yourself emotionally.

    So set some stern boundaries for yourself, and then within those boundaries, actually start to get to know people.



    Next time you crush on someone...maybe get to know them personally.
    And I know you'll get hurt -- this will be, after all, your first real boyfriend.

    But then, that's almost necessary in order to learn about life and love and mostly...yourself.

    Get started. You got a lot of living to do.
     
  3. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    YOU ARE SO TOTALLY RIGHT! SOMETIMES I THINK MOST OF THE STUFF ARE IN MY HEAD..YOU KNOW..THAT MAYBE THEY WERE JUST BEING NICE TO ME AND I'M JUST NAIVE. MY PROBLEM IS: I CAN'T NOT HELP GETTING CAUGHT UP IN THAT "POINTLESS CRAP" IT'S SECOND NATURE TO ME. AND I HATE THAT I DO THAT. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF--CONSTANTLY TRYINGTO READ PEOPLE'S MINDS, AND THINKING UP OF ALL CRAZY SCENARIO TO EXPLAIN WHY HE DOESN'T CALL OR WHAT NOT.
    URGH MY HEAD HURTS LOL. THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE. :wiggle:
     
  4. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    I think that speculation thing is only going to get worse over time if you are not going to start going out and trying out relationships.

    If you think it's bad now, wait until you are in your early 20s, and when guys come up to you you won't know what to do, you could just get even more shy and overanalyze how they say things even.

    You should try initiating some things yourself. It will no doubt be hard to you but communication is a two way street. If you dont talk back to guys and dont initiate anything, then they will assume that you are not interested and become distant very quick.
     
  5. cvgwpg

    cvgwpg Guest

    That is true with the previous posts from Johan and Bimmer. With people in general, we specualte and speculate and wonder about what's happening with the other person. We play these little mind games in our head and play scenarios that really get one nowhere.

    It is true that sometimes we wait for the other person to initiate to say something first, make that phone call, or move first. In most cases, it won't happen. Maybe there's a chance that the other is doing the same thing and now your both frustrated. It could be possible that this first guy you really like could be experiencing the same thing... maybe he has been thinking of you as well everyday... but we don't know that.

    But that was awhile back now. I do think that you need to change your focus, move on and start meeting some people. I can tell you, there are guys out there that are just like the one that you met from your workplace. They may not be that common but they are out there.

    If you really feel that you want to see this guy again, you will need to make the choice to step out contact him. You said you exchanged numbers? Well call him. It will be difficult to do but at least you can resolve some of the stuff in your head.

    To relate, I had a strong crush on a girl from high school, and we got along very well. We were great friends but never really dated. Well, many years later, I always wondered about if she was the one. I found out that she lives in the same city, went to college and got a job at the hospital. I contacted her and we had gone out for coffee. It was a great visit, talked about what's happening in our lives. I learned after that visit that she and I wouldn't have worked out. I was good to see her but there was something about her that was different. She is still single after all these years.
     
  6. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    MEETING NEW PEOPLE IS NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS. I'M NOT A VERY PEOPLE PERSON, AND SO IN MY POSTITION IT'S VERY HARD. MEETING PEOPLE IS ALL ABOUT NETWORKING--MY NETWORK IS NOT THAT MUCH. I DONT' HAVE MANY FRIENDS (JUST ONE) AND SO IT'S HARD TO NETWORK SOMETIMES (MOST TIMES).
    YOU ARE RIGHT, THERE'S PROBABLY A FEW GUYS OUT THERE THAT ARE LIKE HIM. BUT MY CONCERN IS IF I'LL EVER FIND HIM. CHEMISTRY IS A VERY IMPORTANT THING TO ME. IF I TALK TO A GUY AND THERE'S NO CHEMISTRY I TEND TO SHY AWAY FROM THEM. I'M A VERY PRACTICAL PERSON. WHEN I KNOW/SENSE THAT NOTHING GOOD WILL RESORT FROM A RELATIONSHIP W/ A PERSON TO WHICH I HAVE NO FEELINGS OR CHEMISTRY WITH I USUALLY JUST ASK TO BE FRIENDS. I DON'T TRY TO MAKE IT INTO SOMETHING THAT IT'S NOT. AFTER ASKING TO BE FRIENDS I USUALLY NEVER HEAR FROM THEM AGAIN.
    SO I GUESS..MY QUESTION TO YOU IS: WHAT DO YOU THINK?? SHOULD I SETTLE AND TRY TO JUST DATE SOMEONE I CLEARLY HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR (WHICH I THINK IS NOT FAIR TO THE OTHER PERSON)? OR SHOULD I JUST CONCENTRATE ON SCHOOL AND MYSELF UNTIL I MEET MR.RIGHT (NOT LITERALLY MR.RIGHT..BUT SOMEONE WHO GIVES ME BUTTERFLIES AT LEAST). WHAT DO YOU THINK? TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND BEFORE. AND IF I SHOULD WAIT..HOW LONG? WHAT IF I WAIT WAIT AND WAIT..AND IN THE END I'M LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT MYSELF..OLD AND WRINKLE.
    LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS PLEASE. THANKS :hsd:
     
  7. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...I MEAN..IT'S EVERYTHING I TELL OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ASYLUM..BUT SOMEHOW IT'S ALL JUST EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Well, I'll respond to this and a couple of other points you made, namely that you have a small social network and find it difficult to meet other people and that you perceive yourself as not having social skills.

    Anyways...

    1) STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS.
    K?

    2) STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS. Yes?

    3) You need more in your life.
    More what you say? More everything. More worthwhile things. I'm going to guess you feel somewhat purposeless, you spend a lot of time and energy trying to see double, triple, quadruple..etc meanings in everything. This goes to #4 below...

    4) You obsess over small things..."why hasn't he called...maybe if I just wait here, he'll call, oh I can't leave...what if he calls...fuck when he calls, I'm going to yell at him for not calling sooner" That sound familiar?

    This kind of s is directly related to #3 above. You need to develop your life, I doubt if its very interesting or varied or especially worthwhile in any way. Yes?

    This is not an insult, more just an observation common to people like you, who present themselves as basing their existence on the actions, reactions and preferences of others.

    5) You have GOT to develop your own friends and your own life.

    Oh its hard because you have a small social network? No kidding. So that's a good reason to not do it? What kind of backward reasoning is that?

    5) Find some activities you enjoy doing.

    It should be simple...what do you like to do? Write them down. Cross off all the ones that are solitary. You need to focus on the ones that involve other people, or at least are done in public, with other people around.

    This is a simple and time honored method to meeting "friends" aka "people with similar interests". Get it? That's how you start. Yes it IS that simple.

    Eventually some of those friends will develop a deeper bond with you...now, you have a real friend, one who offers emotional support.
    Nurture that friendship, it is more valuable than gold. But...first things first...

    All you have to do, is have the courage to begin.
     
  9. cvgwpg

    cvgwpg Guest

    Ok, I see where you are getting at. Chemistry is important of course, no need to be with someone, let alone married to someone that you don't click with.
    The one thing that I've learned in life is that if your constantly looking and searching for 'that someone' in life, you will be frustrated. A friend of mine that I've known a long time was single. He was one to always look and look and wonder if the next gal could be it. It went on for years. He almost had that thought that he'd still be a bachelor when he dies. He gave up on looking and decided to try to enjoy life his way and be himself and be happy. A year went by and I got news that he actually met someone thru something he was involved in. Everything clicked with them and he didnt see this one coming at all. lol.
    Now this guy was probably like you in some ways (had only a few select friends, didnt have much of a network, somewhat shy and never had a girlfriend in his life). He is one of those 'nice guys', I guess women would think he's good looking (i'm a guy, how would i know), but he wasn't into intiating the conversations I suppose.

    So to answer your question of what I think? Well... I think you should focus on your education and other current things in your life. No, I don't think you should date anyone that you don't care for. You will meet some that you may have a 'butterfly for' and go out and see if anything happens.
    Personally, what I've seen often, is that you can be out doing something... being involved in some event/activity, be at a gym, the grocery store, at the school/campus, and he will be standing right there. You will not realize it at first, trust me, you probably won't. You won't be looking for him. It has happened to me and I've seen it with a couple others I know personally.

    Maybe at some point down the road, I'll share a funny story about me.

    So, don't worry about it. I may not know you but I sense that you won't die an old maid or anything like that. As long as you enjoy life and be active in a few things, I believe things will work out for you. They do most of the time.
     
  10. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    hmmm...thank you for all your kind words of inspiration, and advice. it's weird because, all the advice that i've been given is commonsense to me. it's like when i was writing my original post, i knew how everyone was going to respond. i know the answers to my questions. i guess i just needed to hear from other people (like yourself). thankyou once again.:bowdown:
    i look forward to your funny story :wiggle::mamoru:
     
  11. cvgwpg

    cvgwpg Guest

    lost04

    not a problem. many times we know what the answers and we just inquire with others to find out and pick their brains to see what they think. we end up hearing exactly what we're thinking in the first place and it re-assures us that we are on the right track. sometimes it is a challenge to take that direction but we push ourselves to do it. once we do it, then we realize that we should have done it sooner. you see where i'm getting at?

    as for the story... i'll write about it yet. it's about how we meet those that we truly 'click' with and have that chemistry with.

    I look fwd to hearing how things transpire in the next while. I know you can do it as long as you put your mind to it.
     
  12. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    So guess what people....I've done it again....I've fallen for someone and can't tell them. i can't get them out of my f*ckin' head. :(
    blah blah blah....i know what you guys are all gonna say: "just tell them how you feel...ask them out...blah blah blah" the usual answers, rite? lol
    sorrie for being so negative, rude, and critical..it's just i can't help how i feel.

    everytime i go back to work the same shit aways happens...history always repeats itself. i know..many of you are saying that its normal to fall for coworkers or believe that there's more there than really is, but how do you know if its more than that. because i really can't get him out of my head.
    :/
     
  13. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I'll back that up with my own personal testimony. After being frustrated after one or two small relationships that didn't pan out I mentally gave up on dating. I took care of myself for a change and decided to put all this relationship crap on a hold. "if it happens it happens", I told myself.

    Lo an behold my prospects improved, and in the most unexpected fashion the most beautiful lady I ever met had fallen in love with me. This wasn't overnight of course, but I'd say in a matter of months during which I concentrated on reinventing my own behaviour.

    In a way it's almost self fulfilling...would my fiancee have fallen for me if I hadn't demonstrated my initiative to start my own business, lost 30 lbs on a regular gym program, and developed my own confidence as a result of repatterning my own life? I would say probably not.

    To the OP, you're only 19. Follow the good advice of the people to at least try developing your social circles. I believe in taking action. Meeting people outside of your comfort zone is a part of it. But back that up with a conviction to improve your own life the way you want it to be....your career & your health are big driving forces that you CAN control. Do those first and let the relationship part come in time.

    Based off of some unknown law of the universe, I can testify that love will come in the most unexpected of places in the most unexpected of times. It's going to feel totally natural without all of this guessing game stuff.
     
  14. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    I use to always believe that...that love will come in time.
    and truth be told...it's actually what kept me going, that hope, you know, when I’m all by myself and couples surround me I keep telling myself that one day it'll be me and one day the wait will all be worth it, you know.
    But as more and more time passes I can't help but wonder if I’m just foolin' myself. Maybe it's just not for me. :/
    But I hear what you're saying. Just concentrate on myself in the present...I know I know...it'll come when I least expect it, right? Lol
    still a little on the cynical side, but thank you for your inspiring words. it's nice to know that I’m not totally alone in this.
    it just really sucks seeing couples everywhere, all lovey-dovey. lol.
    Urgh. Lol.
     
  15. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Don't stress yourself out over it. Just play it one day at a time. Enjoy yourself. Do what you want to do for a change.

    It's ok to want a relationship, but its a different thing if you feel you need to be in one.
     
  16. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    i don't feel that i need to be in one...actually it's quite the contrary...i feel that i don't need to be in one just to prove myself to everyone, you know. i'm quite content with my status, if you may...it's just..i keep having feelings/falling for people that i can't have. and it's just really really really annoying. sometimes i think God is messin'/teasing me...putting all these wonderful guys infont of me...knowing that i can't have them..and it just really annoys me even more when i can't get them outta my head..the only way i do eventually get them out of my head is only after i fall for someone else and as you can see the cycle repeats itself over and over and over! lol if that makes any sense. lol. once again...urgh! lol :p
     
  17. SpaMan

    SpaMan Mind over matter.

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    This coming from a fellow non-people person, especially on first meeting, I know what you mean, but I do see a flaw in your approach due to my own flaws which I myself need to work on.

    When you say, "chemistry" and in your context, when you 'talk to a guy'. Does this mean when you first meet a guy you expect to feel "chemistry" or throughout a few conversations? Because if you're expecting to be sparked on fire by every man, or chemistry on first meeting, then you will be dissapointed as cvgwpg was saying. Maybe you've got your bar set so high so to speak, these potential guys whom you deem incompatible could have more chemistry than you could imagine. The ironic thing about that, is you yourself claim that you're not a people person, so these guys you turn down could be just like you; rough around the edges.

    You sound like a very loving and passionate woman with a great need for companionship of great meaning. A story-book kind of love that sweeps you off your feet and puts a smile on your face at every moment you need it most. :o The kind of man that is usually older, and more experienced who learned how to become this way through that experience, so it does make sense you like older men. I wish I could say we're either born a charming don juan, or a loser with no social skills, but it's in my opinion that it's all a learned trade that anyone can acquire, though obviously it comes more easily to those born with a George Clooney clone face or something. (You wait, in 50 years there will be whole face transplants with George Clooney's face, scary) So don't give up on yourself and your dream for love. Just start by loving yourself and working up your confidence, and when you finally reach your goals, tell me how ya did it, because I'm right there with you. :hs:
     
  18. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    **when i say chemistry i mean throughout a few conversations.

    **it's weird..i do prefer older guys...when i'm at school, i find that i don't get much action lol so to speak..not many guys..any at all for that matter flirt with me much less talk to me. but when i work (i work full-time in an office type setting when i'm not in school (on holidays and breaks)) it's like every guy there is talks to me, offers to help me out, and flirts with me. i think maybe it's just the setting...not to sound full of myself or anything but i am the best lookin' girl there lol so i think maybe it's a lack of options in their part. lol. but i don't know...they're all usually in their early 20's-30's.
    but the weird thing is...when i went back for christmas break there was a new boy there...he's younger than me by a few months...and now...i'm completely head over heels for him...i never thought i would ever fall for someone younger than me! lol my standards arent' that high..ok..maybe they are high..i adjust them accordingly..for example i usually like taller guys but this younger guy he's not that tall...lol..

    **ok..w/e enough with my rambling ...i just wanted to say thankyou for taking your time to help me sort out my twisted/confused feelings..lol for now...i'll just concentrate on myself...and keep wishing and dreaming.lol. best wishes to you too. ^_^
     

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