Keeping friends - a functionality question.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by TXLBS, Oct 27, 2005.

  1. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    I'm in some toil here. I've got a girl that I originally tried to hook up with, who only saw me as a friend, and wants to keep me around. We talk alot, hang out alot, and have for a while, most if not all of 05. I'm still very attracted to her, and her viewpoint towards me hasnt changed.

    Heres my problem, shes really open with her sexuality and likes to talk to me about it. I always tell her I don't really want to hear which she takes as a bad thing. I've told her about how I didn't originally try to be friends with her, and she knows where I'm coming from even though she plays it down. It's been leading to some arguements recently about how she wants to know why I don't view her like the rest of my friends and I don't know what I should say. She'll tell me about some guy she fucked or some guy she thinks is attractive and how she wants to do stuff with him and it hurts to hear it. I know that I can't let her know that, so I try my best to contain it, but in the end she can always tell that I am weirded out by it. And I guess I should add that its not -just- that its her talking about sex, part of it is that it kind of weirds me out talking to girls about sex who I'm not hooking up with in general.

    I really like this girl, and have accepted that its not going to work out as more than friends, but being friends is really hard sometimes. She always wants to get to know more about me, more about who I really am, like the really personal stuff that most of my good guy friends dont even know. It worries me having her know me so well when I like her, and know that it will never be more. Ofcourse I can't say that, but its really confining and difficult. I learned a while ago that my failures with women were directly related to not being open with them, so I have been trying to not lie to her as much as possible. I think this is only hurting though.

    Not that this is all I care about, but I should point out a few things so that my position can be more clearly understood. I am 21, in my 4th year of college, no real girlfriend experience to speak of, arguably a virgin, part of the broly crew, fairly well dressed and an overall fun person. I guess all I am saying with that is that I am a fairly normal athletic college guy outside of my limited female experience. She has some cute friends, not many as some girls don't get along with her (why I always find these types of girls is always confusing to me), but her having cute friends isn't getting me anywhere nor is going out with her getting me anywhere because she gives off that "we're just friends, im still looking" vibe that doesn't help me much with other girls.

    Another thing is that shes kind of a financial burden for me. For example if we are drinking at my apartment or something, its always me who buys. Or if we are getting high, its me who buys. Sometimes I'll end up buying her food while out or something - sometimes solicited, sometimes not. I'm not exactly poor for a college guy, but not exactly rich either - so its not like I can really afford to be paying for another person, especially one who just wants to be friends. To me this says a couple things. One is that she still views herself as a girl first, friend second. I say that because a guy friend of mine wouldn't think of letting me pay for him like that, because hes a friend. But when a girl allows that, it says to me that she still wants me to see her as a female.

    I don't know if I should try to repair this situation, let her know that we just aren't like other friends, be open, lie, cut her off, etc. I guess I am really just looking for some objective takes on the situation as my friends have heard the play by play for months now and aren't really in an unbiased seat. I'm not looking for jackass answers, and to help that I will not be giving cliffs.
     
  2. LiqwudIce

    LiqwudIce New Member

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    Tell her the truth about how you feel about her and to have her stop telling you those details for that reason. I speak out of experience that almost the same thing happened to me. I fell in love with this girl and we'd talk for hours on end and she'd tell me all about her sexual experiences too. Every time i heard it i would cringe. She knew how i felt about her too. In the end it broke me down and i cut off contact with her and asked her not to call me (not that you should do that necessarily).
     
  3. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    That seems so easy, but theres so much to it. We have lots of mutual friends. We go to the same bar every tuesday. And next, I don't like the awkwardness in friendships once you let them know you like them. It just never works out the way its intended and always comes back to bite you in the ass.
     
  4. LiqwudIce

    LiqwudIce New Member

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    I guess it was a little easier for me. I saw her in school every single day until summer when i didn't see her at all any more and i started seeing my now ex-girlfriend. I don't know how to deal with the mutual friends and all the other factors, truthfully, i'm not the best person to be talkinga bout this kind of stuff. From experience though, hearing about the experiences of the person you care for and what to be in a relationship with doens't get any easier. At the very least, make her stop talking about that stuff with you.
     
  5. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    It's good that she wants to know about you. To me that means that she's not trying to use you. Personally I think you should make a move...a very bold move. I don't care if she says she doesn't like you that way. If she's making you feel uncomfortable by talking about her sex life and makes you buy all the drinks, what do you really have to lose? Especially with a girl this open about sex. I'd put your chances of succeeding at 90%. If she gets offended, just laugh it off. :dunno:
     
  6. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    What kind of bold move are you talking about? Like, just up and kissing her is probably a weird thing. She's really not interested in a boyfriend -- shes really into the month or so long fuck buddy thing. She's really flirty by nature, and I've asked her about it multiple times, and multiple times she'll say something along the lines of "im sorry if me being flirty messes with your head, its not intended." I really don't think the answer here is that she wants to hook up with me.
     
  7. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    I'm really trying to take a rational approach to this as multiple times we've discussed every aspect of dating, sex, etc. I don't want my emotions to get in the way of anything, but at the same time, its not all about her. Ya know?

    I stay up thinking about this girl, and I can't handle getting mindfucked again. Thats been my history throughout college and it's taking its toll on my sanity. It's taking its toll on my grades, on my sleep, on fucking everything.

    Twice now she's been all up on one of my friends, and its thrown me into such a fit of a rage that I can't begin to explain.
     
  8. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    i tried that, and it kicked me in the face. pretty much the same situation, guy liked me for a while, never told me. very cloose friends, hung out/study/worked/in a fraternity together/eat/etc together. i told him all about my relationships, ect just cause hes such a great guy to talk to, and get advice from. i flirted in front of him, never had a clue i has hurting him. well, i found out one night, and it put the idea in my head. "well, why not? hes a great guy." soo, i made a move, and he turned me down. im so confused, but i have no regrets. im glad i made the leap, even if i fell flat on my face. better to know, then not. better to lay it on the line, and risk 10 min embarassment then hold it in and have the moment slip away.

    point is, even if she knows she likes you, she might like you and just be scared of rejection. you never know for sure until you give it a try.

    make a move. even if it blows up in your face, you cant say you didnt give it your best shot.

    all you have in life is your truest effort. if it doesnt work, so what. you gave it a go, and thats all anyone can expect of you. knowing really is better than not knowing.

    (and btw, this happend bout 10 days ago...while we arent 100% back to normal, its pretty damn close)
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2005
  9. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    This is going to be a quote party, so grab some popcorn... ;)

    Of course, it's obvious. She's controlling you, you are supplicating yourself to her. You are acting like a big baby and letting her be your mom.

    This is what women do with their friends. Most women are not attracted to men that are so open with their feelings. You need to be mysterious, have secrets, and be a challenge.

    I think you've got this one backwards, actually. You don't have to be THIS open with them, just don't lie. Right now you are trying to be open, but above you said you can't tell her the truth. When you do, she steamrolls you, and basically slaps you in the face, and you don't think this is disrespectful.

    If you keep hanging out with her, how are you going to get any experience with any other women? They'll think you're with her, or worse - being used by her.

    If you hang out with a woman, and she EVER tells another woman "He's a nice guy" you're sunk. Real men are not friends with women. You're either involved, or not.

    She's a goldigger. She's definately using you, just like I was used for 10+ years by Becky. Will she pay your way? Simple experiment - go out with her somewhere that is free. Walk on the beach, picnic lunch at the park. Does she still want to go? Now how about if you ask her to pay. Will she? You would NEVER pay the way for a guy friend, would you? You should never pay for a female "friend."

    Repair what situation? You're being taken for an expensive ride, and you're essentially removing yourself from the dating pool AND spending all your money doing it.

    I'd just stop talking to her. She'll wonder why, but you don't owe her an explination.

    This situation bothers me a lot because this is what I did time and time again for YEARS. Every girl I knew would tell me about all these guys they'd fuck, and I did not want to hear it. I would drive an hour to hang out with them, pay their way, go to a bar, and then they'd pick up some guy and leave me hanging - to drive home an hour, arguably with a lot less cash in my wallet. I cannot name all the women who I thought I could "buy" (which is what you are doing, face it) and get them to like me.

    No, I was a class sucker. You're a doormat. You're getting walked all over, used, and spending all your money to do it. You've got a lot of learning to do, and I would recommend you hit some of the dating sites to learn more about what you are doing wrong. Of course, you could wait until you are 34 (like I did) and then start, but man, what a waste of my life ... err... your time. ;)

    For you, I would recommend www.AskMen.com and then spend the $99 at www.DocLove.com and buy his "System." I think it'll fit you perfectly and you'll be really glad you read it.

    Good luck, I sincerely hope you check out the other site at the very least so you can start to see what is really going on.
     
  10. purplebeast

    purplebeast The depths of hell and endless torture await all h

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    To quote a Def Jam poet-

    I got plenty of friends. I dont need one more. If you aint putting out, bitch throw my number out.
     
  11. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    man, i feel for you. you are in a shitty spot.

    realize that no matter what it feels like to you, this girl isnt all that great. Great people don't hurt people and use people carelessly like this girl is doing to you.

    you should cool off a LOT with this girl. stop talking to her so much. Next time she tells you what she wants to drink, tell her straight to her face, isnt there some guy you are fucking that can buy you drinks? She'll get mad, and thats good.

    you need to grow a backbone for yourself. you need to get outside your comfort zone. Think about it. what you are doing -obviously- isnt working, so to continue to do it is a mistake. recreate your self in your own mind. use a model and build from there. a friend, a tv/movie character. If you feel yourself slipping back to your old sissy ways.. just think, what would I do if i was the best looking, funniest, most well hung guy for 50 miles? then do it.

    dont get caught up in this one situation. if you are 21, especially living at college, and havnt had a real girl yet, you NEED to change your game. Look at what people are doing that works, and think about how you can use what works for them in your own style.

    remember, no one can take advantage of you without you letting them. you want to be a good man, not a nice guy. Men go after what they want, and say no sometimes.
     
  12. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    Every single thing you said here is what I think I've known deep down for a while. It's what pisses me off when shes talking about some other guy. Not just that I wanted her and that she wasn't with me, but the realization of these facts. Thank you for spending the time to write that and share your experience.

    I know that nothing will change if I don't do something about it. Which is why I've been spending so much time at the gym and trying to become the 'man I want to become' as I've phrased it before. You are right, theres simply no reason to continue this. I will go look at those sites right now.
     
  13. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    Just like my last comment, you are dead on. Thanks for the motivation :sadwavey: My current model that I use is Matthew Mchaunahey(however you spell it). I think hes a great example of where I'm trying to go, and what I'm trying to do. I know its probably uncooth for me to say this, but from all I can gather, Intellex here on OT seems to be another.
     
  14. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    Haha, you must be like my best friend - always using rap lyrics and such to ghetto up some wisdom. Ghetto or not, you've got a valid point.
     
  15. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    Thank you for your opinion, and I agree. You only live once so its best to truely know where you stand by actually trying. I think thats a great motto to live by -- I just don't think it could work here. If it hadn't been a year, if she wasn't the way she is, if we hadn't had the conversations we did... then maybe this could work. But as is, I just don't think I even have her respect, let alone her heart.
     
  16. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    its not uncooth.. go ahead. next time you get that feeling like you are doing something that feels wrong just to make someone else happy or make them like you... say "what would intellex do?"

    trust me. there are plenty of guys like intellex who do what they want, and tell people the truth even when its not what they want to hear. People like people like this. use a little tact, but more importantly be true to yourself. look out for your self and your friends. anyone who does nothing but make you miserable and take advantage of you isnt your friend, they are your enemy.
     
  17. purplebeast

    purplebeast The depths of hell and endless torture await all h

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    Def Jam poetry is not guetto. Lil Jhon is guetto, the Bird man is guetto, G unit is guetto. Def Jam poetry is urban. Big difference.
     
  18. TXLBS

    TXLBS New Member

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    My fault, I didn't mean it in a bad way. I actually quoted that and put it in my aol profile. :bigthumb:
     
  19. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    not that big :noes:
     
  20. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    :hug:
    Guys are sometimes intimidated by aggressiveness. It might've worked better to just ask him something like "so, do you have feelings for me?"
     

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