SRS Just tired of things and needed to write them down

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by ZeroDeeFeX, Mar 23, 2005.

  1. ZeroDeeFeX

    ZeroDeeFeX OT Supporter

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    Hi guys, I know this is nothing compared to most of the stuff in here, but I feel like I am slowly falling into a rut which is really affecting me. I have been having all these little problems lately that just keep adding up and sometimes I feel like I will be where I am forever. I think I just feel like I have to get it all down in writing because my life feels so surreal that I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't feel like life isn't worth living, it's just that the people I care about are suffering and I am stuck in a place where I can't move even a little bit.

    I guess there are a lot of things that have caused this, and I think I can explain them.

    I am already a 5th year in college. I am doing a computer science and engineering major, which is a double major at UC Davis encompassing both hardware and software design and logic. I have also completed a film minor and half of an asian american studies minor. My parents encouraged me to explore other things in college and I really felt worthwhile learning about more than just computer related things. After my third year though, I realized I was slightly off track. Most people take 5 years to finish CSE in my department, but when all my friends in other majors graduated last year, I started feeling kinda crappy. I have something like 280 units by the end of this quarter (you need 180 to graduate) and I am thankful engineering doesn't have a unit cap. I have always maintained around a 3.6 and felt confident in my grades and everything I was doing.

    Unfortunately, with this being my last year, I have felt a distinct slowing down of my mind, and things that I would be able to do no problem in previous quarters have been getting more and more difficult. Honestly, though, I knew I could do it with a little more work. I work 10-15 hours a week at a steady job, have 4-10 hours of labs every quarter, 10-15 hours of classes, an additional 10+ hours of programming assignments (usually depending on the class) and a second job where I make $75/hour so I keep doing it when I have time to be able to have some actual money. I still was able to do this other quarters and have time for my gf and family and do well in school, so I figured it would be okay for this year. That is when things started to fall apart.

    The first was my mom having a stroke during thanksgiving break in november and me realizing that my parents are getting older and with a family history of heart disease on both sides, even with both of them living health lifestyles, they are really mortal. My mom is probably the most important person in my life and she makes me feel like when I come home I can just escape from the world. Seeing her in the hospital, worrying about her life just was a lot for me and it started hurting my grades in school, especially with me going home all the time to take care of her. I ended up failing an engineering class that I should have passed just fine as I have taken all the following classes, just not it yet. My mom had me super worried and I skipped almost a week of classes just to stay in the hospital until she was discharged. I barely ate and I couldn't stop worrying about her, because I love her so much... She started recovering, though, but I couldn't recover in that one class to make it through.

    After that, my GF of 2 years got a job in the bay area, about 2 hours from school. I was happy for her as she graduated in December and was ready for the world. Unfortunately, I lost a strong emotional base there because I was so used to relying on her presence. The distance has put a strain on our relationship, but I still relish every moment I get to see her. Well, that started affecting my school even more and I found it difficult to focus with my mom recovering and my girlfriend so far away. I see her every other weekend at least, if not every weekend, but it is really difficult sleeping alone and going through life without her by my side. We aren't in any difficulties in the sense that we are definitely not going to break up, but it is hard for me with my busy schedule to spend a lot of time with her without her basically living with me in Davis.

    My mom managed to recover fast, though, so I started studying like I used to, harder and focusing better. The professor I had for the repeat of the engineering class was difficult, but I was doing less poorly than most of the people in the class. He is a very poor teacher, no one can understand what he says and he does not explain things very well. He tends to repeat himself when asked a question and does not help to answer it. He makes logical jumps that leave out a ton of steps and most of the class of aroudn 20 were super confused. I know I wasn't even getting a 70 in that class, more like a 60-65%, but the class average was somewhere around 50% overall, so I was a healthy bit above the mean.

    At the end of february, during a routine stress EKG, my dad passed with flying colors except for a small blip in one test. He works out every day and eats really healthy as his whole family has had serious heart problems. He went in for some more tests and the doctors realized he needed an angioplasty. Admittedly, it is very minor surgery, so he went in.

    3 hours later, after the operation, the doctors tell us that there were some complications. He had 2 90% blockages that they could not get with the stint because his arteries curve around completely in a circle, making a full 360 degree turn. They would have to perform a double or triple bypass as soon as possible.

    This was a shock to me, to see my dad having to go through this after my mom was in the hospital so soon before. An even worse shock happened that night when we were getting ready to take him home as it was supposed to be safe. He was feeling tired but otherwise okay, so he got dressed as he was scheduled for discharge from the hospital. All of a sudden, while sitting in his chair, putting on his shock, he stiffened and seemed to go into a seizure. My sister and I were down the hall and we heard our mom scream and we came running in. My dad was completely stiff on the floor and his arm and head were twitching. All the nurses and doctors on duty came to stabilize him and they got him awake and in bed.

    That was possibly the most scared I have been in my life. My parents have given me everything I could ask for and more, and my dad, one of the most intelligent person I have ever met who takes care of himself all the time was lying there after a seizure and I couldn't think anymore. I just held his hand and told him that I loved him. My mom was still freaking out and it was hard because she was crying so much. They have been married for something around 35 years, and their marriage is full of love that they gave to me and my sister too. They are close in a way I cannot even fathom, their bond transcends anything I have seen in a married couple.

    The next morning he was discharged and my mom and he had some time to calm down. The bypass surgery was scheduled for that wednesday and the person performing it was an awesome surgeon from the Stanford team, one of the heads and one of the best heart doctors in the country. He had completed several successful heart transplants and a bypass surgery was super routine for him.

    I went home the friday after it happened because the surgery was during midterm week and my parents wouldn't let me come home. My older sister who is the emotional strength of our family was home the whole week, having taken it off from work to take care of my parents. I spent the weekend and we paid extra for my dad to have his own room in the hospital and all that. He recovered super fast and was home by sunday.

    He has recovered quite a bit lately, and I am really starting to feel less and less worried about him as before. I felt like I could really focus on my finals and finish my classes so next quarter could be my last.

    Well, today in my final for my repeated engineering class, I was asking the professor for my overall grade going into the final. He said he couldn't give me an exact number, but that since he doesn't curve, only 2 people in the class had passing grades going into the final. I know I am not one of the two, and that just fucking made my quarter. So now I feel alone, with my roommate finishing regular CS this quarter (a 109 unit major, I might add). I feel like I am stuck in school and this professor is trapping me. To top it off, my friend who TAs hella engineering classes told me that the prof can get away with it because the engineering department has decided to up the failure rates to weed out students from the earlier classes. I already FINSHED almost all the classes below and above this one, and now I get stuck with a professor on a failing binge, and I get to pay $1k to take it in the summer if he fails me.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I am mentally and physically tired of school and just having to keep going when things are piling up. I am not afraid of tomorrow and what it brings, but I am afraid of being stuck in Davis forever. My GPA is slipping, it's already down to around a 3.3 and I can't take another hit like this. Sorry I wrote so much, I just felt like writing it all down. I feel really like I am fighting a battle alone. I've always been a really happy person, but something in college has broken that spirit. I spent my first two years in a destructive on again off again relationship, remade myself selling cars one summer, analyzed my outlook on life and lived a less happy but still fulfilling and slightly deranged life. I am a meaner person, but I still was satisfied. Now I feel like I am trying to move forward, but things keep holding me to this place while everyone else escapes.

    I used to love engineering, now I am beginning to hate it. I love to write and I know it doesn't show here, but I paid for a large chunk of college through writing scholarships. I don't feel good enough for a job like that and I wish I had pursued journalism so that I could have a chance in the industry. I seriously think I am burned out and feel like just being a bum right now.

    Cliffs: I was a successful college student, going into 5th year with double major, and a minor and a half. Have a gf of 2 years, generally happy. Mom had a stroke, gf moved, dad had to have a bypass, failed an engineering class and am failing the repeat. Doesn't sound that crappy when I summarize it like that...
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2005
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You say you have almost twice the number of credits needed to graduate. I would make a dash for the finish line and graduate as fast as possible with your CS degree.

    Once that is done, you can reassess your life. Your priorities will change drastically, as well as your options.

    Once you have your feet on the ground (after graduation and preferably gainful employment) you can always return on a part-time basis. It should then be trivial to convert those other credits you have into another bachelor's degree.

    Make a real effort to graduate! Part of me wonders whether you haven't intentionally set yourself on the slowboat because of a reluctance to alter your life situation. Only when your friends got off the boat, but you were still on it, that slow ride didn't sit well with you anymore.

    Get that engineering degree. Don't be one of those schmucks that put in tons of effort but did not graduate. Graduate first. As fast as fucking possible.

    Rededicate yourself to this task, you know you have it within you to do this.

    After that, you can think about journalism. If you have a flair for writing, you could likely get hired on at a local paper just with an eng degree and a strong showing in your journalism classes. You can always go back for a full journalism degree later. Remember: not all great journalists went to "journalism" school. Christ did you know Tom Brokaw didn't even finish Grade 10?

    You can do this. Believe in yourself.
     
  3. ZeroDeeFeX

    ZeroDeeFeX OT Supporter

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    Thanks! I am definitely pushing super hard right now to finish. I know I am not gonna quit until I am done. I guess I needed to write it all down because there was so much going on. I did a transcript check and things aren't so bad. I am pretty much doing really well overall, it's just this one class that feels like it is sapping me down. If I fail it, it will be my main focus this summer.
     
  4. BlondieAMC

    BlondieAMC New Member

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    ZeroDeeFex- as i know how hard it is to deal with this type stuff with parents, just keep your head up and be strong. Going thru this hard time in your life will only prepare you for bigger things. It will have made you a stronger person in the end.

    God tests us so that He can prepare us for bigger things in our life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Good Luck in school.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Ok, a couple of things come to bear to mind when i read your post.

    The first of all, when you have something on your heart, express it. Don't make your heart into a murder hole they say and this definitly counts for you, why? because your posts aren't meaningless or less meaningfull. Everything that you feel important that you want to write about should be written. Of course there are ethiopians dying each day from hunger, and of course your suffering probably isn't compared to other suffering in severity, but likewhise there are people who suffer less then you and talk about their issues and you should too, simply because it concerns you, and because this effects you, you should consider speaking freely about this or writing ,and never feel that they are wastefull efforts, I encourage you to release the demons that are inside of you, in order for you to blow off some steam which will eventually relieve you.

    Second , i feel that you haven't acted correctly towards your school and education within this context. Go to the principal , negoiate with him, make him 'aware' of the health problems that are effecting your family members. Tell the principal you have home issues, and try to make him/her understand why you need to be present somewhere else for a 'certain' time. He or she, should understand that, and should give you the time, and chances to re-do your exam or final if that is necessary. If they refuse to give you that time' then you 'should consider skipping from class. I have something more important to tell you.

    Your diploma,your carreer, your position , the amount of cash that you have doesn't mean ANYTHING in life, the only thing that matters in life is your loving interaction with other people.

    But there are more issues with you. You don't live an independant life. You must be become a man and be able to stand on your own legs, without being dependend on someone else. People die all the time, and you have to understand that life is like 'sand' you can't hold it in your hand forever, it slips away and there's nothing you can do against it. The only thing that remains is the love that you have for those who you cherish, and who cherish you. Life goes on.From a personal experience When my grandpa was dying and lying sick in bed ' i notice how cheerfully and happy the commercials on the t.v where continueing 'trying to pursuede my nearby dead grandpa' to 'buy their stuff' it was an unwelcome eye opener that life goes on no matter what happens to all your family and loved ones. The world keeps on turning. However this still means you are affected, and trust me when i say that as long as you love them you are trying and doing the best thing. And that's all you can do.

    What also struck me was how you blamed your professor for your bad results. He is probably a human being too, and only has so and so much qualities, you are demanding things and putting the blame on his explanations to be poor, well i have got some news for you.

    DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE DRAGGED DOWN THE DRAIN DUE TO THE WEAKNESSES OF OTHERS.

    You DO NOT, and CANNOT and SHOULD NOT let yourself be stopped or let your study results get influenced by a professor that can't teach. Study the matter at home very firmly and let your teacher just babble along, if you know he will not make you pass any tests you might as wel not listen to him at all, and teach yourself what the study material is all about. The life lesson here is again ' BE INDEPENTEND ' don't let the quality of your life depend on others.

    You will find that despite all the bogus bullshit of everyone claiming to be a part of society, that its all a mask, and that in reality , only the content that is 'INSIDE YOU' really counts in life. That you back yourself up with experience and lean on it. Trust me ,and honestly the most important thing i can teach you ' TAKE MATTERS IN YOUR OWN HANDS'

    It sucks being dependend on others, you will always be fragile and an easy target for life and it's volitile behaviour.
     

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