LGBT Just need to talk...

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by LA02MAX, Jan 25, 2008.

  1. LA02MAX

    LA02MAX New Member

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    Even if it's to a bunch of people I've never met online, I feel like I need to get this out.

    I've never said, or even mouthed these three words, but: I am gay.

    I'm 19 years old and until recently have considered myself fairly normal. I have a good relationship with my family, I have a lot of friends, I do great in school (mechanical engineering), and have engaged in sexual activity with women. I tried keeping my bad thoughts of myself buried deep in my head, but I really can't take it anymore. I've been gay ever since I can remember... and I've hated it ever since I can remember. Since entering college, I have not been with a girl and it has just been focusing my attention toward men even more. I'm starting to feel depressing thoughts (never thought I'd say that, considering I'm not a very emotional person). Depressing thoughts of where my life is headed, why I can't "simply" come out to everyone, the fact that I've never felt any male contact or emotional connections, and the problem that I feel like I'm living a lie. These thoughts are starting to have adverse affects on my lifestyle. I can't sleep at night, I find myself zoning off in class, and sometimes I want to get away so bad, I just go for 2-3 hour drives alone and turn my phone off..

    I know most gay people go through this at one point, but I really just don't see myself ever admitting the truth to anyone. I feel like if I did, my friends would desert me, my family would abandon me, and I'd have nobody to turn to. At the same time, I feel like if I don't tell someone I'm going to burst...I guess this is my first step, and I think, somehow, this will make me feel better.

    Sorry for the boring life problems; I know ya'll hear it a lot :sadwavey:
     
  2. RX Bandit

    RX Bandit Sell You Beautiful »

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    Without being pejorative, this sounds very similar. Every gay dude goes through it and every dude has a different way of making it through this time of life. I was in a frat so my escape tactic was drinking way too much until I finally realized it was better just to deal with it head on, accept it and learn to be okay with who I truly am rather than who I wanted everyone to think I was.

    Taking a first step like this is huge though, you should definitely pat yourself on the back. I know it wasn't easy. The first time I did something similar I felt like I was going to die of embarassment...or something similar, and that isn't even a dramatic expression.

    There are a thousand different sets of advice you can get on where to go from here, which mostly depend on who is giving you the advice and how life has worked out for them. So you can feel free to ignore me, or take my suggestions under advisement.

    From this point, the only healthy thing you can do, is start getting comfortable with who you really are. I know it sounds stupid but writing a journal entry, or even a letter to yourself, about who you are and what you want from life and things of that nature is very helpful. You don't need to worry about anyone else reading it -- so you have to be 100% honest with yourself about everything. Figure out what kind of boy you are attracted to; what you want from life - perhaps a long term relationship?

    And you can destroy the letter, burn it or whatever. Or put it in a safe as a memento. The important thing is just finally being 100% honest to yourself.

    From there you need to just work, every day, in and out on learning to be comfortable in your own skin. You just said "I am gay" for the first time in your life and it was scary. You don't need to tattoo the gay pride flag on your face. But you need to figure out a way to live the rest of your life feeling okay with being gay, whatever method that would manifest itself in.

    Sam Gamgee is a civil engineer so he can tell you more about being gay in a mainly "masculine straight" career path. I'm in law school and my mentor (professor) is very openly gay, so I have a pretty atypical lack of worry about being gay and successful in the legal field.

    Look, the important thing is just learning to be okay with who you are. This isn't an easy life, even with the MOST accepting family and friends in the world. But you will be a better man and enjoy life more when you realize you are comfortable with who you are, and certain little insults bounce off of you like you are Superman.

    If you ever need to talk privately, anonymously, whatever feel free to contact me. I've seen the gay thing play out from every side - the frightened teen; the closeted jock; coming out; hating myself; learning to live with myself; then finally enjoying life and being comfortable with who I am.

    Just take things slow. You don't need to be a flagship member of the Independent Gay Forum tomorrow morning :wavey:
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2008
  3. RX Bandit

    RX Bandit Sell You Beautiful »

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    Well see I had the complete opposite experience. I lost all of my friends and it wasn't in a funny bittersweet way, it got pretty ugly.

    But what friends were they anyway if I was a good friend and good person to them one day (while being straight) and then suddenly a gay monster the next day? :hs:
     
  4. LA02MAX

    LA02MAX New Member

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    I really can't believe I'm even doing this. Reading what ya'll said is definitely making me tear up, but in a good way. I know there's no way of telling what's going to happen in my situation, as everyone is different...I'm just really afraid of it. I've had too many big life changes (I've lived in 8 states if that's any hint..) and while I did get used to it, I've really liked these past two years of college life and essentially not having to deal with this. School has kept me busy and I have a group of friends that are totally into cars like me, which also has helped me. Now that it's really starting to surface, I just feel so bad all the time.

    I'm going to write a letter like RX suggested...see if that helps me at all to find out what I really want. I just don't know what to do next. Just last weekend my mom expressed feelings of disgust toward a gay couple, which really put me in the hole. I think the only person I can tell right now is my dad, because he's moving to Thailand in a couple years and is essentially going to be out of my life anyway. Terrible, I know, but I can't bear to lose contact with my mother right now.

    Thanks everyone for listening. It's made me feel better already. Oh and I do have AIM. It's the same as my username.
     
  5. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

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    There is the first time.

    Im 29 now and still consider myself fairly normal. The love of cars is there, the friends with similar interests is also there. Looking back, I should have realized I was gay clear back into elementary school but I didnt really notice it until after high school. I too have tried to keep who I am hidden, it doesnt work and it will tear you apart faster emotionally and soon physically faster then any other thing I have ever found. I remember the space cruises, I used to turn my phone off, with the intent that I was going to drive an hour and a half to my cousins house and tell her. I would cry the entire way to Salt Lake City, park a couple of houses down from hers but I could never get up the courage to tell her. She still doesnt know, even after ten years. You dont need to come out to everyone. The way I look at it, it is my business, granted it is a good part of who I am but it isnt WHO I am. If I feel that person, family, friend, etc, is close enough to me, then they will know, if they need to know. The flags arent waving from the flagpole, and I dont introduce myself as, "Hi! Im Jon, Im gay." There is much more to who I am then that. You will continue to feel like you are living a lie until you start to come out to those you love, because, guess what, you are. You are hiding yourself from them, even if you dont tell them, your guard is up, just in case you act gay around them.

    You will, in time. I feel like the stress is building, but it isnt quite there yet. You are starting to look for a way to relieve it but now the way that will ultimately remove all of it. I could never get up the courage to tell my younger brother, so one night I got smashed and told him. He knew I was drunk and thought I was joking. He was completely cool with it and always has been.

    One of the most memorable times in my life, a time I where I can look back on and just feel happiness is a situation like this. My first boyfriend and I were on my bed, our arms were wrapped around each other and we were staring into each others eyes. That was the first time in a long time I had felt that complete, that happy. He asked me what I was thinking of, all I could say was "you." I am remembering it now and it still, after almost nine years, is as clear as the day it happened, and it still brings a smile to my face. I just knew it was right. I knew that Matt was what I needed to be complete and whole. But, to this day, I have never had another guy make me feel that way. We had our differences and I wouldnt take him back just by chance that it would damage that memory.

    Religion is not something I will bring into the closet, but it can put a big hurdle in front of you, like Ip said. What I believe in is perfectly fine with it, and if the people werent, then they can leave. I dont deal with people who have a problem with who I fuck.

    For religion, you can use: "God loves all of his children, no matter what, like a parent should. God made me this way in his image so I am not flawed. He wanted me like this."

    The first person I came out to was my gay friend Chris. I still talk to him to this day after ten years. I remember how scared I was that even he would reject me. All he said was that he already knew I was. My sister was next, that was harder.

    I have never lost a friend or family member over my sexuality. Its been pretty simple, though when I was still closeted it was the end of the world and everyone was going to hate me.

    Ill respond if I am at the computer. Feel free to use mine, its my username as well.

    Holy shit that was long.
     
  6. Kitler

    Kitler Fabulously Gay

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    I know IP already gave his aim, but you can talk to me aswell.

    Aim= hondaccordss
    MSN: [email protected]
    Yahoo: nutterbutter60

    This is a really good first step.
    I am really glad you did tell someone even if it was a bunch of people on the internet. I personally just went through the same thing a couple months ago, so I know the feeling.

    I would be glad to talk to you.
     
  7. Naturally Baked

    Naturally Baked Active Member

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    Its funny because thats exactly what Im going through right now, and I often go for LONGGG drives too (in the summer though) which seems to help get my mind off of things....


    I don't think i've ever told anyone in person that Im gay, but I really think talking about it on the internet has really helped me. It just sucks because I feel like I am 1 person here, and then I have to put on my "straight" face as soon as I am off the computer. As far as coming out I can't really help you since I haven't even began to figure out how to do it, but I can say that this forum will help you get your feelings out there and make you not feel so alone. :wavey:
     
  8. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    I'm far from the best person to give advice on coming out as I wasn't given the chance to do it on my own terms and I was outed. But I can relate to where you are coming from as I too work in two very "straight" fields - law enforcement and agriculture/farming. All but 2 of the officers took it well, but once they figured out I didn't want to go into a cell or the back seat of their cruiser and fuck like rabbits they realized I was the same "kid" they had known since I started working at the s.o. in 1999. Anyways I'm getting off track here... like I was saying I can relate to how you are feeling and what you are going through completely and then some. I just changed schools and I'm basically scared shitless that people are going to find out I'm gay, why idk but I am, I guess it's because I want to let people know me before they find out about me... which is kinda stupid but whatever. This thread is about you and not me, so I will take it to another thread. Anyways you've found the right place to come to this place will help you greatly like it has for me I hope :big grin:
     
  9. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    You'll find out soon enough that being gay is quite "normal" too.

    A gay relationship is no different than a straight relationship... you just happen to have similar genetalia in a gay relationship... that's really the only difference.

    Don't forget these words:

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

    Being gay is just a part of who you are. You're still normal. You've still got the same potential and life-goals that you can achieve if you work hard. And nobody can make you feel abnormal or inferior or unable to achieve your dreams unless you let them marginalize you.

    You have the same fears we all have (friends deserting you, family disowning you, etc). And for some of us, that happened... And for some of us, we learned that our friends love us regardless of our differences and our family still loves us for who we are, not who we wrap our arms around.

    But, for all of us, it was the best thing we could have done... to be honest with ourselves and our loved ones about who we were.
     
  10. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    Yup... I'm in a very "White, straight male" dominated field that can be very conservative at times.

    But, times are changing and it really has not been an issue. I'm completely out at work (I have a picture of my partner on my desk) and a couple of my clients know I'm gay or have met my partner.

    Really... this country is moving so fast towards an open and accepting place. Yes, there are tons of conservatives who are afraid of gays... but it's moving toward equality quite quickly.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2008
  11. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    ...congratulations on an amazing first step. Trust us, the first step is the hardest. There is a lot of wonderful advice already in this thread, so I won't say the same things over and over again. I'm just very excited for you. And I cannot wait to hear about where you go from here.

    Let those outside judgments go, my friend. Live your life the way that you want.
     
  12. Digital_

    Digital_ New Member

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    Yeah what all these other people said. Me too. And welcome to the Closet Car Crew.
     
  13. RedGoober4Life

    RedGoober4Life New Member

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    DON'T PANIC!

    I don't like this talk of normal. What is normal? ;)

    In many ways being one of the gays of Chemical Engineering at SUNY Buffalo is pretty rad.
     
  14. Digital_

    Digital_ New Member

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  15. zortnac

    zortnac New Member

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    Do you know of any support groups at your college or university?
     
  16. LA02MAX

    LA02MAX New Member

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    Let me rephrase: The reason isn't because I'm gay that I don't feel normal anymore, it's more of this:

    I've been gay all along and I know that...it's just that it's now the effects of trying to hide such a big part of my life is just beginning to hit me. Eventually I'm going to come to terms, but I can't deal with telling my family/friends just yet. I have to get comfortable with dealing with it myself before asking other people to deal with it....

    I don't know of any, but maybe that's my next step...I'm sure there are some available, it's just dependent on if I'm ready or not.
     
  17. Virality

    Virality New Member

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    Congrats on taking your first step! and what is normal?...I guess what I'm trying to get at is one persons normal could be another persons weird....if that makes any sense.

    :dunno, it seems like everyone else above said what I would've

    If you still need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me..I'm always around
    AIM: Hellrotblue
     
  18. zortnac

    zortnac New Member

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    You can get a lot of great advice online, but there's absolutely no substitute for talking to someone in person. Look in to the support options on your campus, and don't put it off. If there's a support group, make sure to find out whether or not the location and time is kept confidential.
     
  19. kidwiththeshirt

    kidwiththeshirt I'm gay, big deal, wanna fight about it?

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    I just kind of picked up my balls, went to a gay club, and took it from there. Never really went through the "omg everyone will hate me phase."
     
  20. zortnac

    zortnac New Member

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    Everyone has a different experience.
     
  21. RX Bandit

    RX Bandit Sell You Beautiful »

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    You are already on your way :bigthumb: :bigthumb:
     
  22. LA02MAX

    LA02MAX New Member

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    uhh..thanks? I'm obviously not quite like you, but you don't need to be sarcastic about it.

    :noes::noes::noes:
     
  23. :|

    :| Guest

    probably not kosher, but there have been a few psychological studies where they've documented young men (usually teens) with severe distress over their sexual orientation becoming straight with treatment. it uses principles of cognitive behavior therapy and it's completely the choice and to the benefit of the person.

    on the other hand why put yourself through that. your friends won't leave you, your parents will still love you and nothing really will happen except you won't be living a lie anymore.
     
  24. LA02MAX

    LA02MAX New Member

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    That's uhhh...interesting. I'm not sure how anything can change the way I've been thinking for as long as I can remember...and I doubt my family would disown me, but there's still the fear of it...
     
  25. :|

    :| Guest

    yeah i don't remember the process completely, but it involved developing tools to help teach the boy what stereotypically masculine/feminine traits were, then taught him how to use "desirable" in this case straight sexual images right before orgasm.
     

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