SRS Just need some outside analysis or sympathy...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by oakie, Aug 16, 2005.

  1. oakie

    oakie my ninja.

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    i'm going through the first stages of a bad breakup.

    just a bit of history on the matter:
    I'm a 29y/o asian male and she's a 22y/o white female. we have been dating for over 4 years, cohabitating the same length. we fell madly in love with each other and she moved away from home to be with me while i was in the service. 2 years went by and i was honorably discharged, we moved to my own hometown where she told me she had dreamed of someday moving. once we moved up here and seeing how our relationship was blossoming, i decided that it was time to pop the question for an admittedly long engagement. i had just begun to receive gov't disability due to my time in the service and began to go to school full time, hoping to get my BA before we married... then use additional benefits of mine to put her through school once married.

    and for the past year and a half or so, she had gradually become distant, unable to talk to me on the deep levels we used to share. finally, a week ago, i caught her cheating on me. i know she hasnt before, but when discovered, she told me she has felt like this for some time, and couldnt find a time to talk and break up mutually. it seems she couldnt find the strength to pull away without finding someone else to latch on to first.

    the worst part is i have been jobless for so long with us living on my disability payments. we cohabitate, which even in the near future will help to keep my bills low to begin my search for a job so i can live alone and move on. i've now had to withdraw from fall quarter to prepare for this and reexamine my college future once i find work.

    i just cant seem to let go. we had a future laid out together and what used to be my future is all gone. all the goals i had set for myself seem all washed up. i still feel love in my heart for her, but know that she goes out at night even now to see him, unable to give me an emotional break to catch my breath. there is no chance we can work this out as she has since moved on in her heart. sometimes i feel like i am doing all the wrong things by trying to cohabitate, and bend her will to remain friends.

    as an introvert, i had really relied on her as a friend, someone i always relied on to be there for me when i needed someone the most. because of that, i have few friends, and little capacity to make friends... i feel like i have no where to go emotionally. it is why i seem to be clinging in a situation i normally walk away from with no regrets... i have never been friends with an ex, and here i am contemplating one for all the wrong reasons.

    but because of that, i end up dragging myself through the mud every day, making it even harder to get back up.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You are thinking about it too much. Your analysing this and that, and your an easy victim to be blunted over the idea that she was your destiny etc etc. Thing is , she is young and most likely wants to see whats 'more' out there in the world, In doing so she has caused to hurt your feelings and ruined your expectations and worse has caused you to overthink this situations countless of times. The lesson is that you should 'never' go into a relationship expecting it to work out just because it concerns your own case. A woman can pack her bags and leave any day, if you are honest to yourself then you know that a relationship might not always be what you expected it to be, the problem lies in your expectations, and of course her cheating on you.

    Now there's probably a whole story behind this, but that's irrelevant to some extend at this moment, the thing is that you should focus now on is that you don't want to be with a cheater in your life. The book of this story has closed for both of you, she is moving on with her life, and i highly suggest and encourage you to replace this ex-gf with a new gf to fill in the gap and move on with your life also. All the could have beens, the should have beens are a waste of your time.

    Free your mind, remove her out of it and let it go. Move on with your life ,she is a waste of your time.
     
  3. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Go Dodger Blue!
    Any attempt you make to preserve the relationship if it works at all is only going to be short term and not all that great anyway. You're in a difficult situation where you rely on her in more ways than one. Once you get a job, she's got to go. You won't be able to move on if she's living there. It's just too much of a distraction and everytime she leaves at night it'll feel like daggers stabbing through your heart.
     
  4. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    time to let it go
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Unfortunately, this relationship has come to a close. It did so quite a while ago.
    I'm sorry for your loss.

    You should know that at the end of every relationship...is the start of a new relationship.

    You should make every effort to finish school, and better yourself.

    When I read through your story, I do not get the sense that your life was improving, but rather ever diminishing in small, almost imperceptible increments. That is, until you read a summary of the years.

    I think that on some level, she felt similarly. And she is only 22, and quite possibly not ready to settle down into a pre-planned lifestyle of moderation.

    I think you should take some time for yourself, and recuperate and then take steps to reclaim what is rightfully yours -- your manhood -- to become again the man you once were. The man that attracted her, long ago.

    And don't mourn this one too long. There will be another.
     

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