Just need some listeners

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by StuDLei, Feb 13, 2005.

  1. StuDLei

    StuDLei Death before Dishonor

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    Whats up everyone? Ive been in Iraq here for the last 5 months. Before that I was in Cali training to come here. Anyways my main reason for this post is to talk about/ maybe seek some advice in my relationship. I have a gf of 1.5 years now. So basically we were together for almost a year before I left for Cali. However I got to see her 3-4 times for a few days up to a week while there. Our relationship has always been really good, I mean of course we have our ups and downs like anyone but overall it was excellent. We argue quite abit seeing that we are both very very stubborn but still. So things were awesome, our little "vacations" in cali during time off from training were great. For the record I am 23 and she is almost 26. Before I left we talked about marriage and pretty much planned on getting engaged within a relatively short time when I got home etc. We were very excited. The first 3 months that I was here were hard but my girl was awesome. She was very supportive and extremely forgiving because we argued alot when I had time to talk to her on the internet. After time she knda "snapped". she wrote me a long email about concerns she had,etc. it was very tactful and everything..she wasnt being a bitch at all. She was just being honest. Well since then we have had our ups and downs. It is very hard for me because her feelings HAVE changed. She told me that they have changed but she still loves me. I know that she does and I believe her, but it is still hard knowing this. Fortunately I get home in 1.5 months or so. I have a few questions that I wanna ask, and if yall have any questions to ask me knock yourself out. I need all the help/support I can get while I'm here. I dont understand sometimes how a persons feelings can change so much so fast. I mean can she not understnad that I am 10,000miles away under extreme stress? i told her that but she says it gives me no right to mistreat her and shes right. (i called her a bitch once on IM and said some other things I really didnt mean to say but the bitch thing was the worst of them)I agree with her but still cant she cut me some slack? I dont know. She promised me that she would wait for me when I left and she keeps that promise still...she still tells me the same thing. It means alot to me but nevertheless it kills me inside that her feelings have changed...she has some doubts in other words. I mean we have both always had our doubts..who doesnt but you guys know what I mean. Well Im gonna stop writing for now seeing how I wrote so much already. Long post, I know :wavey: thanks yall

    PS...thank whoever it is you thank for everything you have and that you dont live here
     
  2. weakone

    weakone New Member

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    Maybe she's questioning because you're so far away. That's a really hard thing to deal with. She hasn't seen you in a while, and now she knows what it feels like to basically, be on her own again. That can make questions rise for anyone. She still loves you, and she's still waiting for you, so those are good signs.

    Calling her a bitch, whether over IM or on the phone or in person, is going to set any girl off. Especially by the one she loves. No, she shouldn't cut you any slack because you're there. Yeah, you're under stress, and we're in a time of war. You should be reaching out to her, trying your best not to argue, not arguing and then ending up calling her a bitch. That's unacceptable either way, no matter the circumstances. That's just my opinion.

    If you've got questions for her, tell her. She's the only person who can answer them for you. Write her an e-mail, or a letter, and state said questions. That is the only way you're going to get answers.
     
  3. StuDLei

    StuDLei Death before Dishonor

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    I have wrote many emails and letters and whatnot. things are better...but they are not the same. we both know that and we are both aware of that. i wish it could be fixed here but the bottom line is that it cannot i guess. there is just too much to deal with. i know she loves me though. its definately not over yet..we still have lots of plans for the future etc. but to be honest her questioning me and having such a hard time forgiving me is making me question her a little bit. i mean look at where im at and what im dealing with. so i argured and acted like and immature kid sometimes. she was not perfect either. cant we just move on?? i guess not. i guess her feelings cant be forced. its just not somehting i ever thought would be a problem.
     
  4. BedBunny

    BedBunny Guest

    it's a long distance relationship right now, and that is difficult for both parties.
    you only have 1 1/2 months to go. you will get things worked out after you get back. :)

    try to be patient and caring and those feelings will rub off on her.
     
  5. BiffHenderson

    BiffHenderson New Member

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    First off, thanks for what you're doing over there. I speak for many when I say we really appreciate what you're doing.

    Sounds like the distance is becoming an issue. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for the both of you. Then, to add the stress of what's going on around you personally on a day to day basis.

    Hope all works out.

    :hug:
     
  6. Sionell89

    Sionell89 I grew up when I wasn't looking

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    You know what? You're in a completely different world. No, she's not going to understand what you're doing and where you are.

    Years ago, when my hubby used to go on business trips, I was always amazed that a) he never got out of the hotel and b) always came back exhausted. He couldn't get through to me that the trips didn't have a vacation aspect to them. I didn't have a sense of what it took for him to run his job either, until I got one like it of my own. THen I started to understand the stress.

    Now part of the reason I didn't understand was the fact that he didn't tell me. He part wanted to shield me and not bother me and part wanted to forget about crap for a little while himself. But it did nothing to help us understand, did nothing to help me be more supportive.

    Being in a war zone changes a person. Regardless of how you feel inside, you've changed. Sometimes, people at home get it, I think more often, we don't. I think the only people who will truly comprehend this aspect of your life are other vets who have seen combat. You are irrevocably changed. And that will mature a person in ways the rest of us can't even fathom. Physical age doesn't matter.

    Sometimes our partners can keep up with the changes in the relationship, sometimes they can't. The unfortunate reality is that sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes people think that love can overcome everything, and they think the only love that counts is that which they share with another person. They forget that self love must also be there. If either of you does not love, like and revel in the other person, warts and all, then the other person will be giving away self love in order to make themselves more lovable in the relationship. That is self defeating and will eventually undermine your relationship. The foundation will give way and all the infrastructure around you will crumble. It's not pretty and very painful.

    Having said that, keep in mind that sheer stubbornness on both your parts can help you get past the difficulties to get to a new place. You may not be able to go back, but if you both want it really bad, you might have something different. Ya just both have to want it and it has to fit you both without drastic changes in personality, thinking and behavior.

    I think you need to get past the desperation you feel about losing her. It's tough to say in your extreme conditions, because you need something to hold on to. What will be, will be. Let it go, put the concerns on the back burner and get her to agree to the same. YOU ARE IN A FUCKING WAR ZONE!! THE MORE YOU WORRY ABOUT HER AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP, THE LESS YOU ARE KEEPING YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU AND AVOIDING THE NEXT SUICIDE BOMBER!!! What you need is her support right now, not her distraction. If she loves you as she says, then that's not too much to ask. Especially if she wants you home in one piece. The problems will be there when you get back. If they're real, they'll still be there. If they aren't real and are just manifestations of distance, then they will crumble when you get home.

    Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, think about getting engaged within 6 months of getting home. There may be serious issues here that you may push to resolve and actually bury to your detriment. If you are meant to be, then the engagement will wait. If you aren't, then you haven't created a situation where it is difficult to extract yourself from.

    And soldier....be safe out there, please. And tell all your buds that the folks back home are thinking about them constantly and praying that you come home to us, safe and whole!
     
  7. StuDLei

    StuDLei Death before Dishonor

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    I appreciate greatly everything everyone had to say. You are very welcome by the way for all the shit we do and go through..hell somebody has to do it ...it may as well be me. i know that my gf has been faithful to me, etc...there is no doubt about it. what everyone had to say was excellent advice. it makes me feel better. things between have very slowly but slowly gotten better. its hard to do under the circumstances and being so far away. there is no doubt in my mind that she will be there when i get home and that things will get another chance. what someone said about if the problems are real then theyll be there..if not they will crumble..i think thats the truth. i think there will be some that crumble and some that we have to deal with. we will get through it..together or apart..we will be okay. i think and hope we will be together because when shit is good..it is damn good. we make eachother better people and have many of the same interests and things to learn from eachother. most imporantly i think ...we have alot of fun together and even though we argue alot we still get along quite well if that makes any sense at all. i miss her and i love her. 6 weeks to go. thanks again...

    lcpl type
     
  8. BiffHenderson

    BiffHenderson New Member

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    Here hoping for the best.
     
  9. BedBunny

    BedBunny Guest

    i hope the time flies by.

    be safe!
     
  10. weakone

    weakone New Member

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    Same.
     

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