This past Friday my biological Father died (I had never met him, but talked with him once on the telephone). Now I shall never know who I really am sort of. Would I have liked his eyes? Did he smile a lot? What part of him exists within me? Did he ever think of me? Unasnwerable questions now. So, for those of you keeping track, that makes it 3 people who have died around me since April. Bob, my friend of 30 years commits suicide; Kay my very best girest girlfriend died of cancer, and now this man who was my biological Father, someone I had toyed with meeting for years and was in my druthers about. Then the man I loved and adored dumps me. I have been all over the map, went to see a shrink, argued with my Boss, haven't cleaned up my apartment in 3 weeks, have all but igonored my cats, almost made it with a woman (and that shook my beliefs right to my core) and I am just a mess. I spoke with HIM (you know who HE is)) on Friday night...I called him, he called me back...I just wanted to hear his smile. Instead I got cold and impersonal. Last night I got very drunk and very stoned and went to bed with some guy. I told him I would never give him love. He said "We'll see", but it is just not going to happen. I feel as though I am in a box and the box keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller and I cannot breathe. How much pain can a person take? My soul is hurting...big time. And I grieve.