SRS Just More Stuff

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by PuppyCat, Jun 5, 2005.

  1. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    This past Friday my biological Father died (I had never met him, but talked with him once on the telephone). Now I shall never know who I really am sort of. Would I have liked his eyes? Did he smile a lot? What part of him exists within me? Did he ever think of me? Unasnwerable questions now.

    So, for those of you keeping track, that makes it 3 people who have died around me since April. Bob, my friend of 30 years commits suicide; Kay my very best girest girlfriend died of cancer, and now this man who was my biological Father, someone I had toyed with meeting for years and was in my druthers about.

    Then the man I loved and adored dumps me.

    I have been all over the map, went to see a shrink, argued with my Boss, haven't cleaned up my apartment in 3 weeks, have all but igonored my cats, almost made it with a woman (and that shook my beliefs right to my core) and I am just a mess.

    I spoke with HIM (you know who HE is)) on Friday night...I called him, he called me back...I just wanted to hear his smile. Instead I got cold and impersonal.

    Last night I got very drunk and very stoned and went to bed with some guy. I told him I would never give him love. He said "We'll see", but it is just not going to happen.

    I feel as though I am in a box and the box keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller and I cannot breathe.

    How much pain can a person take?

    My soul is hurting...big time.

    And I grieve.
     
  2. Grief, and numbness, and despair - all so common during enormous losses like you've experienced. I can only hope you continue going to your counseling and continue writing here, or talking with others you trust. Moving through this type of process can be so hard and so painful.

    I too have gone through enormous loss and still am. It's so hard, but we're not alone.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I think in time you will look back on this time as a long, hard, cleansing journey.

    That might sound like bullshit to you, right now, but in time you'll look back from your completely reshaped, remade, reconstituted life and think, how did I use to live like that.

    And I know you'll make it through. You're reaching out here, not shutting down.
    You're going to make it.


    PS. I'm not surprised you had sex with 'some guy'. You're dying to make connection, so you reach out with the physical, while withholding the emotional up-front. Even though what you really want is just the opposite.

    Just make sure your sex partners aren't completely random, and take precautions.
     
  4. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    when does it all stop? when? I am getting tired of this trip. My spirit is bankrupt. I have tried God, Zen, the Hebrew faith, a progressive church, a hobby, being busy, not being busy, a shrink, my Doc, introspection, retrospection, poetry, cleaning my house, not cleaning my house, talked with a minister, talked with a priest, talked with a buddhist, concentrated on work, visited friends, went walking, tried booze, pot, pills, going straight(not doing anything, not even taking aspirin), reading"inspirational books", art therapy (one of my friends is an artist), doing things that used to make me happy. I feel like I am just existing. It's torment. I feel like I am melting. They "the nebulous they" say I should be happy, I have a good job, no money worries, I'm attractive, I have my health, yadda, yadda, yadda, but what they are saying isn't sinking in. If I did not have my cats to worry about I am not at all sure what I would do. The possibilites aren't sunny. I am so lost and the pain is insufferable. And I cry.
     
  5. You can't escape grief. If you're doing something in order to "feel" better - you're going about this all wrong. Grief hurts, and you have no choice but to hurt if you would like the hurt to end as soon as is possible. Sit in the grief, and use some of those positive resources as a method of "taking a break" from the grief only temporarily, not to escape or outrun it permanently.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Your money your possesion, your car, your house, your job, nor the position you have mean anything in life. What matters in life is your loving intereaction with others. Not sex, but 'to CARE' about someone. You know even with that one guy you said 'i will never love you' and honestly its this 'lack' of love for others which is the curse in your life.

    Without Love we are meaningless, its like a car without gas, it won't go anywhere, and the same counts for our souls, we feel cold, alone, hungry for something ,extremely depressed and worthless.

    We are here to love and help eachother, anything loving we do for others is worthwhile, even small acts of love, a hug a smile, helping someone out with the dishes,its building something up, instead of letting everything fall apart. That's why your quest for Zen, for God, for doing things, and not doing things , nor your money has given you any sort of happynes. Happyness comes thru loving and helping others,

    I have something else to tell you. It's called the ripple effect when someone does a act of love/hate it has an effect like throwing a rock in a pond, everything gets effected, If someone does something loving, light and love will spread thru-out the pond, effecting everyone and everything in it. And when someone does something hatefull, then darkness and hatred spread thru-out the entire pond.

    Bob's death has spread darkness and misery in your life. Something he didn't attend to do, but most certainly has effected your life in a most serious negative way. Honestly you need to do constructive cheerfull things in your life, this thing is bringing you so much down, that i think it's time to read this

    http://home.quicknet.nl/qn/prive/kes/cycle.pdf

    Nothing can really prepare you for reading this book The Cycle of the soul But it prevented me from commiting suicide, and it saved me from depression. May it do the same for you.
     
  7. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2002
    Messages:
    1,941
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Iron City
    PuppyCat, I think you have had a rather romantic view of these people that have passed through your life. You've imagined relationships as good as they could have been. However, they most likely wouldn't of had such depth. ( I'm not trying to devalue your loss.) I think group counseling would be of help to you. {BTW, I didn't meet my father until I was 24, our relationship was that of distant friends. He died not too long ago.}

    http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en-us&q=grief+counseling&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
     
  8. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    I am aware that I am a dyed-in-the-wool romantic with Poet Soul...I admit that freely and, as such, I know I experience thoughts/feelings/emotions much more intensely than others. I have been able to deal successfully with problems in the past, however, it seems as though the older I get (almost 50--yikes!), the more difficult it is for me to shrug things off. I can understand and manage having a few things on my plate, but, having it overloaded has put me all over the map. I know with time, in time, that I'll be able to come to terms with stuff, it is the interim that is insufferable. My logic and reason have deserted me and my heart. I am positive that these terrible things and the way I feel are for some unknown reason and were meant to be. I shan't get metaphysical or philosophical at this time. Perhaps it is Karma, who really knows? I know it is meant to be a lesson that I have yet to learn. I try to do the best I can and not falter. Being down so deep to the point where one has to look up to see the bottom is not a good place to be and it is my hope that I'll start climbing soon. I do not know. I am taking positive steps with trying to make peace. That is all I can say for the moment.
    To Darketernal, I understand all too well the ripple effect, its consequences and thank you for prompting my memory about it
    I appreciate and thank all of you for your words of encouragement and advice.
    It has been comforting.
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Hang in there , keep on trying although it sometimes is hard. Look, if you get older you get less worried about things, you'll see that everything has its certain flow, and things you worried about a lot when you where younger you simply don't care about because you have learned that life is like a wheel, that goes its rounds day by day.

    Like Jesus said don't worry about the day of tomorrow, because it takes care of itself.
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    All those things you tried were things to numb, to amuse, to occupy and to divert your attention from the 800 lb gorilla sitting right in front of you.

    You have to work through your grief, not run away from it.

    Yeah, you're probably thinking 2 things right now.
    1. that sounds like pure shit to me. bollocks to that.
    2. <later on> ok so if I have to work through grief, just HOW am I supposed to do that.

    This is a good time to jettison all those trappings, cycling thru the faiths like a rolodex, pills, pot, etc. I think you need some alone time, cry out all your anguish and grief. Cry and rage till you're exhausted. Then sleep.

    When you awake, go to your yellow pages and look up a family therapist near you. Or call the crisis hotline, and ask them to recommend a good family therapist.

    A good talented therapist will help you work through your grief. The huge sucking void in your life will get smaller and smaller as you fill it with good things.

    Not trivial bandaids like casual sex, or pot or religions you don't believe in. But things that reflect the core of you as a person.

    It will take some time, but you will make it. I know you will.
     
  11. Truth.
     
  12. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    I talked with "HIM" (you know who HE is) on the phone today for 2 hours. It was very difficult. What is left of my heart went pitter-patter and I felt giddy...is that not pathetic? At least I did not lose it and blubber and make an ass of myself.
    I also did the dishes (first time in a month).
    I feel like I have made a very minute and positive step up to the starting line of the nebulous "long road back".
    This has been a very painful journey and one of which I hope I never have to encounter again in this lifetime.
    I smiled today and only cried for about 1/2 hour.
    It's a start.
     
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I think you are doing a great job considering the awfull circumstances you are dealing now with Puppycat. :hug: talk to us whenever you feel letting things out. :love: much love from the Asylum.
     
  14. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    It is people like you who make people like me smile.
    Thank you.:)
     
  15. I haven't been as available as I usually am because of my own circumstances, but I have kept up here to make sure you're doing alright. Don't resist or fight your way through the grief. As I've said before - keep doing what you're doing. Get it out. Crying is perfectly ok. Significant loss require significant responses and after-effects. It's the normal way we humans cope and transform our bonds emotionally and physically with people.

    You're doing well, even if it hurts. I feel like a surgeon who has a patient who is in a lot of pain 1 week after surgery -- more so than when they went in for the procedure, and you have to keep being reminded that this type of pain is a "healing" type.
     
  16. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    Bad day.
    I am hurting so I guess that means I am healing, yes?
     
  17. Not always. Sometimes you hurt because sometimes you hurt. You know? Something on your mind?
     
  18. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Victory is in the air my friend :) , never stop fighting!
     
  19. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    I saw HIM yesterday.
    I lost it. I admit it freely. My everything just lost it.
    I have more or less come to terms with people dying around me.
    But I have not come to terms with HIM.
    I said "Hold me"
    He did very briefly. It felt so damned good.
    Then we started verbal fencing.
    He started crying. I started crying. Imagine, a 45-year old geologist and a 48-year old forensic engineer crying in the middle of a park in the middle of the day.
    Then he went COLD.
    Then I turned on my heel and walked away.
    Then I stopped and ran back to where he was, but he was gone.
    I called him on his cell phone from a phone booth in the park.
    He said he would call me back at 5, and we talked on the phone for 4 hours.
    He said he did not love me.
    I said I loved him.
    We discussed how we were together.
    We made all of our "dates" via the internet and in advance...we called them "mini-vacations"...spontaneity was out of the question. I said I thought you wanted that...He said I thought you wanted that. Then we realized that we both wanted the same thing (long term relationship? (Not FB w/ Benefits).
    Then there was the game, my friend and I got on the internet last September, went to a dating site and bet me $50 that I would go out with HIM.
    I did.
    He knew about it...I told him.
    He said that he thinks my loving him was just part of this game/bet thing.
    But, and the big but is, after 10 minutes of our initial meeting I was smitten. Totally, 100% flat out smitten.
    I am still after 9 months.
    He said he has been duped and cannot trust me because:
    Of that stupid bet thing.
    And
    When he told me initially that he did not want to see me, I wrote him a very vile, malicious email and said things to him that no woman should ever say to a man. It was hurt talking. I cut and pasted all his emails and made nasty comments, especially those comments when he claimed to be in love with me and was expressing himself openly. (I emasculated him I really did with my words, I admit that). I took the CD of his music (his pride and joy and he is very good) and wrote "YOU FUCKING SUCK" all over it and gave it back to him. I was just NASTY. But it was hurt talking. (As if that is a good excuse---NOT!)
    He asked why I never told him I played piano (he was talking to a friend of mine)...I said I never play anymore. Why mention it? He sort of feels stupid, because I can read music and compose and he struggles with his guitar pieces. I told him that I did learn one of his songs though..I used the piano at church to learn it (it was a love thing).
    We discussed "second chances".
    I told him I would stand by him and go to counseling with him about his "sexual addiction" issue.
    I know he still cares about me, why else would he talk with me on the phone for 4 hours? (he was very cold and wouldn't give an inch-but I know he is hurting).
    He said he would think about the "second chance" thing and call me today. But, I was unreachable cos I was out at the job site for the day and am 20 minutes from leaving to check out a job site in another province. I called him and he was not home and I left a message. I do not have a cell phone anymore...I have lost 5 already.
    Bottom line: We've both been assholes. He is reluctant to do the "second chance" thing, cos I know I hurt him big time, he knows he hurt me big time and it is just messy.
    Both of us are hurting, I know this.
    I know him well enough to know (or I think I do) to know when he said he did not love me several times, he was retaliating the best and surest way he knew how, cos I hurt him big time he is hurting like I am.
    He is also stubborn.
    He says I have deceived him, especially by my words. I said they were written in hurt.
    He is hesitant.
    But, he explained a lot of things to me last night. To him, taking me for walks on the beach was a big thing. I never knew that. He is NOT romantic, or schmaltzy, or understands Poet Soul.
    He also has no clue as to how to date or stuff like that.
    But when we were together it was magic...we laughed and danced to lousy French music at 8 in the morning and we would talk for hours and what I didn't understand then was that he was giving me of himself all that he could the best way he knew how. I just did not understand. I do now.
    One of my brainiac computer friends cracked his email...printed it for me (I only scanned 2 pages--(emails to his other females) it was to me an invasion of privacy and I threw it all in the shredder). Of course I told HIM. He feels violated, I can't blame him. I am guilty by association.
    Now HE won't even use his email.
    Yes, I am certain that he loved me after talking with him last night and big time retrospection today. There is no doubt that he did not. I never believed him at the time. Nope. Never.
    I know he still cares for me.
    What if he says “PFO”, do I accept that and get all messed up again?
    Or do I dig in and fight the good fight in the name of love or just forget about it?
    What a mess.
     
  20. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I don't believe he is a sexual addict.
    I don't believe he loves you. I don't believe he ever loved you.
    Your mini-vacations, as you call it, were perfectly constructed to be an escape from both your everyday realities.
    I don't believe he wants you to become a permanent part of his reality.

    He doesn't love you. He's told you this in word, and deed and his every thought rings out with this truth.

    You need him. Need in a crazy madly desperately need way. This is not healthy love, this is attachment.

    I submit you don't love him either. You need him like you need a life preserver when you're in the ocean, but you don't "LOVE" the life preserver. You just need it.

    Do you see what I am getting at?

    There will come a time when you no longer need him. That time will come sooner if you stop seeing him, stop trying to see him, stop accidentally seeing him. Just stop.

    There is no plainer or simpler thing you can do to get healthy again. STOP SEEING HIM.
     
  21. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Oh and ps, you're probably going to think that I'm wrong, that I couldn't possibly know -- REALLY KNOW -- all the detail, all the subtle nuance, the deeply intimate magical connection you two (occasionally) have, because I wasn't present, I was not there to witness the bond, to feel the almost electric link.

    Well, I don't have to be. I assure you I have witnessed many, too many, of these kinds of things. Sometimes, though not always, from a front row seat.

    I could be wrong. that somehow deep inside he actually loves you. And you actually love him. But I don't think so.

    I think you're letting your emotions mislead you. Actions speak firmly and clearly.
    Someone can say all kinds of things, make all sorts of promises, you have to look past that. Deeper down into what kind of person they are.

    Sorry, but I don't think this is a good relationship for you to pursue.

    If you choose to anyway, ok, you have all our support, but I think you will expend vast amounts of energy on an ultimately hollow pursuit.

    Still, it's your life and completely your choice to make. Good luck.
     
  22. I agree with Johan.
     
  23. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    I know you are probably both right.
    I am having a real heart VS head struggle with this. Big Time.
    When does the "letting go" feeling begin?
    Ack, I know better, I do. It seems as though my guards of intellect and reason have deserted me and as much as I try (and I do try) they just won't come back and give me a much needed kick in the butt or wake up call.
    I could date other men...nice men...and I have tried...been to dinner and stuff with other men, but it just doesn't happen...maybe I have to find my proverbial toad...I do not know. This is agony...I had had other long term relationships where I have been the dumper or dumpette and it never bothered me for more than a week.
    Personally, I think HE has issues far greater than mine. (Actually I know this as fact).
    Why am I being so obdurate about this thing with HIM? I do not know. I wish I did.
    And so I struggle along the best I can.
    Thanks once again for listening to this boring saga. I appreciate it.
     
  24. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2005
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sorry you're going through all of this PuppyCat. I don't know if there's ever a way to get past this beyond just giving it time.

    But until then, I found the only comfort for these feelings is in finding people with willing ears to listen to you....over and over if necessary. I suppose that's what Asylum is for. :hs:
     
  25. It's a process unfortunately that can be unpleasant. Sorry that you're finding this all so difficult.
     

Share This Page