SRS Just found out my mom wants a divorce

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by KUBA, Oct 11, 2005.

  1. KUBA

    KUBA New Member

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    She told me about it over lunch today. About how she has put up with everything for 24 years. She stayed with my dad just to make sure a divorce didnt hurt me, or my sister. But now, since we are grown she wants to leave my dad. I wasnt really surprised by the news because my dad is very distant, but i am sad because my family is going to be torn apart.

    she told me she's been planning this for a year or so now. And she went back to college to become a nurse so she can look after herself financially. she told me she plans on telling my dad in July or August when she's done with school. i want her to be happy, and neither her, nor my dad are happy right now.

    those that have had parents go through divorces, what should i expect in the comming months? btw i'm 20, and still live at home for college.
     
  2. DCM

    DCM New Member

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    well, fortunately you are older now, so that will help things tremendously. It doesn't sound like it's a typical smash and bash divorce, they probably just weren't meant to be. So, even though the situation sucks they will probably seperate without a huge ordeal. They may even be "friends" afterwards, i.e. you guys can still get together on Christmas, etc. It does happen occasionally, but it's rare. Things to expect are going to be feeling like you have to be on one side or another. You don't. The main thing is going to be how they split. Being older you can help them through things too. Talk to both of them, tell them how you feel, etc. Tell both of them that you support their decision for each of their happiness. It will help things go a little more smoothly for them, I mean it seams as if all involved understand that it's pretty much done. I hope this helps a little, and good luck. They are both still your parents, and nothing will ever change that. I'd also say try to get a little closer to your dad, but be wary of going overboard. May make your mom feel like you are on his side, but she seems like she's a smart lady, so you can explain to her why you are doing so, and that you are behind her equally.
     
  3. slims

    slims New Member

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    My parents split up when they were 5, and it was a godsend from what I can remember. They would fight all the time, and were unhappy before the divorce. Now, they're both completely happy and my dad has a new spouse. He's also been a much better dad, he's amazing. One thing to watch out, one of the parents might try to fall back on you or spend all their efforts towards you because they feel you're all they have left. This probably won't happen though if you're older.
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    There is no choice better than ending a doomed relationship. This really should not affect you too much as you are out of the house by now; just be there for both your parents (assuming that you and your dad get along as well as you get along with your mom).
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Support each of them as best you can. They're not just your parents; they're people too with independent aspirations, wants and needs. It might help to think of them as friends rather than parents in the context of their (no defunct) relationship. :dunno: My parents divorced and my mom eventually remarried. My dad is in a long-term, committed relationship and they're both quite a bit happier than before. The divorce sucked at the time but looking at it now it was the best decision for all involved. If you're looking for what to expect, well, expect to see sides of your parents that you've never seen. They'll be putting themselves before you so you'll see them out of parent-mode.
     
  6. AshLee

    AshLee New Member

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    I was about 10ish when my parents got divorced and i remember everything. and i know everyday that it was for the best. my mother and father are now happily remarried to other people that make them much happier then each other. I dont feel as if I was traumatized by the divorce in any way..i understood then and now that it was for the better. The way i see it, maybe because I am a child of divorce is that you dont have to be married to raise happy healthy children. My sister is a college graduate and I am in college at this point. I do not feel as if it affected me in any negative way at all. However, since you are older and have seen your parents together for far longer it may hurt you..but just realize they are unhappy and this will make the both of them happier people in the end :wavey:
     
  7. KUBA

    KUBA New Member

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    thanks for the advice.... im really not surprised by the news of the divorce, as there have been ongoing problems for years between my mom and dad, but i think it was wrong for my mom to tell me that she was planning to divorce my dad without telling my dad first. i feel guilty talking to my dad now, because he doesnt know whats comming and isnt able to prepare for it like me, my mom, my sister and anybody else who knows can.

    i guess she thinks my dad will kick her out or something if she tells him. i dont know if she is trying to persuade me over to her side, or what? i love my parents equally, and it hurts me to see how good of an actress she is by making everyone think everything is fine... when it just isnt.

    i feel that her decision to not tell my dad will only cause more and more problems down the road. where he finds out that she's been planning and planning this for years, and that his whole family knew before he did. i think that will hurt him more than the divorce ever will.
     
  8. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Maybe you should pressure your mom to talk to your dad about it. If your dad has his wits about him then he'll probably already have an inkling. Tell her that it's unfair of her to burden you with knowledge about their relationship that he is not party to and that it is upsetting and stressful. I've done similar things when people have asked me to keep what I would consider information from other people.
     
  9. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    It's good that you're old enough to look at it from their side, instead of worrying about whether or not you caused the divorce, etc.

    It's not so good that your mom told you. I think you should tell her that you don't feel comfortable now that you're hiding this secret from your dad, because it will make things all the more weird when you're interacting with him...
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    So what i am really missing here is , why is your dad so distant? 24 years isn't 'nothing' , although it might be the best thing to do i wonder what brought your mom to want to be with your dad in the first place, and if there isn't any room to fix this battered wall. I am just asking , do you feel there is a way your dad could change? What factors lie behind it, when did you first get the feeling that something wasn't right in the relationship between your two parents, and what did you feel that caused them? I mean maby marriage counselling, or better communication. I mean have you ever sat down with your dad and talked about it? Something like 'mom doesn't like you being all distant and stuff, or why are you always so distant? :sad2:
     

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