8 months ago my husband out of nowhere left me. Ever since then I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hate the way I feel. I’m happy sad mad upset all at the same time. Sometime I wonder if there is really something wrong with me. Maybe I’m sick maybe I’m twisted I just don’t know anymore. I have all these feelings of resentment for what’s happened to me and they just don’t go away. I’m so angry sometimes I can barely catch my breath or see straight. Everyone keeps telling me it will pass it will get better. When? When is this magical day supposed to happen when I feel free when it no longer will feel like a 100 lb weight is on my chest when I can look in the mirror and be happy with the person I see. Its been 8 months now and I still feel the same. What am I doing wrong I just don’t know. Every one keeps telling me I need to start living for my self do things that make me happy how am I supposed to do that when I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. Everything I used to like to do has been stripped away. Even as I’m typing this a million thoughts are running through my head there’s a lump in my throat and my chest feels tight. It almost feel like if I screamed as loud as I can maybe then I would feel better. I know though that will solve nothing I need to be strong I need to carry on because that is who I am its what I do I am the strong one always have been always will be. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be strong anymore I want to be taken care of I want to fall apart but I cant. Everyone has told me its ok to that they would be there if I needed them yet only 1 person has really been there for me the only person who listens and doesn’t try to fix me. Although to be honest maybe I do need fixing I feel broken. My mom told me I am her hero for going through this with such grace and strength. How do you tell someone who says that to you that your dying inside. That everyday you think about just getting wasted to make it all go away for a few measly hours to get some relief from the pain you have been living with for 8 months now. I really think I need to get back on my medication ( paxil and ambien) so at least I can get some sleep at least on the paxil it wasn’t as bad. Haunting dreams and constant anxiety when I’m awake is my life now. None of this has probably made sense its just me rambling hoping maybe if I type what I’m feeling it will help.