I messed up bigtime. Here's a little backstory. (ok maybe not so little) I was going out with a 18 years old freshman at this university I was going to. I met her prior the start of the school year. I took her out on a tour around the City. I took her to a wedding as my date. We hit it off big time. We were in love with each other. Then she started school in the fall (I didn't start till January). We saw each other once or twice a week, she often slept over at my apartment (I didn't sleep at her dorm cuz her bed was barely enough for a person). I felt self-conscious around her. I started feelin ashamed of doing weed, of wasting my life and money on useless stuff, and of not be able to be more communicative to her. I dont know why I let my emotions lock up inside me. I know I love this girl, but I don't say it enough, or I just wait for her to say "I love you" first, then I'll say the same thing to her. We went out to the restaurants, I took her to shopping sometimes, we hung out with mutual friends, and so on. She never really experienced the university life for herself. Then in January, I moved closer to her and started going to that school. We saw each other everyday and slept together at my new place almost everyday. It was a serious drain on my emotional and mental health. I just found it harder to be around her, I needed to spend time with friends and school. I got irritated at her easily. I got back into weed just to chill the fuck out and keep the love alive in the relationship. I didn't tell her until later, a month before we broke up. (I quit now though). There were a few days where I got tired of her, but there were other days I was in love with her and couldn't imagine being with anyone else beside her. To be honest, I considered breaking up with her a few times, but I didn't want to leave her in a bad shape while she was on her own for the first time in university and dealing with a crazy workload. I wanted to wait till after she finished and see how I felt then. So when the end of school came rolling around, I decided I wanna stay with her, but work started to keep me really busy around this time. I told her I would see her once a week, but I couldn't do that.... I started to see a few changes between us. She wasn't really talking to me anymore and I kinda got jealous about her hanging out with her guy friends (I couldn't help it). I told her about it and she was like trying to assure me its all in good intentions. I believed her and I told her I trust her. I couldn't shake the feeling though so I wrote her a long letter that I wish I didn't because I'm sure that was the catalyst for the breakup. (I deleted it because I didn't wanted to be reminded how I fucked it up really bad). The letter consited of asking her to decide whether she wanna stay with me or just break up with me. It was more of trying to get her to talk to me, than to force her into a decision but she didn't see it the same way as I did. So she broke it off with me. Telling me she couldn't handle this change and that her feelings changed. I pleaded for one more chance and she said wait one more week without talking and see how she feels (we talked practically every day since we first met). I just lost it. I cancelled our relationship status, deleted every pictures of us on my fb page, and untagged myself in her pictures. I just knew it was over, no matter if I waited a week, I was sure she'd say the same thing. Then I made the stupid mistake of coming back to her with tail between the legs the next day, telling her I'm sorry for that overreaction and I poured my heart out, telling her I hated myself, I couldn't imagine a life without her and I wished things were different. Her tone really changed in a day, she was no longer the same girl I've been talking to in the last 9 month. She was cold. Uncaring. Different. It's been almost a week since I talked to her. I miss her terribly. I've been trying to convince myself to just forget her, but she just keeps popping up in my mind. I keep entertainin this fantasy that if I change my ways, I get more fit, I get lots of friends and start becoming more expressive of my feelings, she'd fall in love with me again. Such a dumb hollywood fantasy. I'm just trying to realize what a futile effort that would be, choking that last vestige of hope. I feel that my life has led me into this direction. I had no control over anything. I dunno why I wrote this really... I guess I was looking for a small comfort in releasing my thoughts. I just want to move on and forget her. Is it possible to forget your first love?