Jeremy Clarkson Adds Insult to Injury

Discussion in 'OT Driven' started by TriShield, Oct 6, 2005.

  1. TriShield

    TriShield Super Moderator® Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2001
    Messages:
    132,822
    Likes Received:
    1,753
    Location:
    PRESIDENTIAL TOWER, GREAT AGAIN, NY
    Jeremy's got a bad back, and the painkillers are playing havoc with his brain...

    [​IMG]
    'If I can't do the oversteery stuff any more, Top Gear TV is up a gum tree'

    September 2nd, 2005

    I'm in extreme discomfort. Any attempt to move sends a shard of agony searing through my left shoulder blade, all the way down my arm and then out of the palm of my hand in a gushing spout of face-bending pain.

    Any attempt to stay still results in the pain being doubled. Sitting down is especially uncomfortable, as is watching TV, eating, standing up, talking, listening, typing and driving. Sleeping is right out.

    Obviously, I went to the doctor and, being the world's worst patient, informed him solemnly that I'd caught cancer and that nothing could be done. He wasn't so sure, however, and having poked and prodded a bit, announced that I have something in Latin.

    "There are", he said, "three painful conditions in medicine: childbirth, passing a kidney stone, and what you've got."

    In childbirth, women get to scream and yell and sweat and shout abuse at their husbands. When I'm doing the TV show, I have to sit there calmly and interview David Dimbleby. How brave is that?

    According to one of the many osteopaths I've seen in the last week, the cause of my injury - and it's spinal by the way - is oversteer.

    He's watched the show and noticed that I spend the whole time going sideways with smoke pouring off the tyres, and that to stay upright, I'm always bracing my head against the g forces and I'm suffering as a result.

    This is a problem, because if I can't do the oversteery stuff any more, Top Gear TV is up a gum tree. Hammond can get a car sideways, but by the time he's got it straight again, he's in Berkshire, and May doesn't like it at all. He thinks oversteer is a left-wing plot of some kind.

    The only solution then, was for me to take every single drug ever made by any company in the world, in the hope that one would stop the pain. The doctor was very obliging, writing out an endless stream of prescriptions and giving me all sorts of anti-oversteer pills from his big black bag.

    "None of them will make me drowsy?", I asked "because it's hard to record the studio section of Top Gear when you're in a deep sleep". He assured me that none would, and he was right. But he forgot to mention that one of them would make me a bit spacey.

    Yesterday, for instance, I thought I was Kofi Annan. And now? Now, I'm fairly sure that I'm a Harrier Jump Jet. No matter, at least the pain is manageable.

    I even managed to make Live8 where, in the backstage bar, I discovered an even better cure than prescribed drugs. It's called alcohol, and if you take enough, you become so numb you forget your pain. You even forget to be nasty to David Beckham. I did.

    There's another cure too. Watching Pink Floyd. During their set, I ventured out among the great unwashed where, for 20 glorious minutes, I forgot that I was an invalid.

    Sadly, it's impossible to go through life with a Seventies supergroup in constant attendance, so it's back to the pills and the booze. Which might explain a brainwave I had last night...

    You may have read recently that the death toll on UK roads fell last year to its lowest level since records began in 1926.

    That's truly astonishing because in 1926, there were only 17 cars on the road and, mostly, none of them would start if it was hot, cold, wet, windy or dry. And even if they did start, they had a top speed of about seven.

    Now, there are 31 million vehicles on the road - one million of which are driven by people from countries where, to pass the driving test, you give someone in a uniform an ox, for example, and they give you a permit to drive a car.

    Even so, the number of people killed last year on our roads was just 3,221, which means we have just about the best record of any country in the world.

    Of course, those of a baggy-breasted disposition point out that we were beaten by countries such as Iceland, Canada, Monte Carlo and various other places which only exist to give statisticians a headache.

    [​IMG]
    Clarkson's in pain, but it's all his own fault


    Then there's the Vatican City, scream the wiry haired cyclists, where last year, no people at all were killed.

    'That's what we should be aiming for'. They say that despite the improvements, nine people a day are still wasted by motor vehicles and that this is too many.

    As a result, they want lower limits, more buses, more Gatsos, more mobile patrols, greater penalties, a lower drink-drive limit, no 4x4s and more congestion charging.

    And they'll probably get it, since there's nothing Tony and Cherie like more than a baggy-breasted adviser in organic shoes. Especially when her ideas are likely to generate more fines, which means more money for Gordon Brown to spend importing more people into the country to pay more fines.

    Unless, that is, someone has a better idea. And that's where my drug induced brainwave comes in.

    At present, I have to drive round the western fringes of the M25 a lot and I'm constantly staggered at the variable speed limits flashing up on the overhead gantries, because they bear no relationship at all, ever, to the prevailing traffic conditions.

    This is because they're chosen by some clot in a control room, probably in Bangladesh, whose data comes from Mars, probably.

    Then you've got the roadworks, where the limit moves endlessly from 40 to 50, partly I know, to make sure everyone goes past the cameras too quickly, but also because the people who decide how fast we should be travelling are stupid.

    Forty miles per hour, on a road with no pedestrians, where everyone's going in the same direction is silly. And on the M25 it's worse than that because you're either not moving at all, or it's clear enough to drive at 208. So how's this for a plan?

    Currently, there's no fixed link between the euro and the pound. They move depending on how well or badly the economy is doing. Well, why not apply this to kilometres and miles?

    At the moment, there are about five miles to eight kilometres. Why not make this variable? So, when the German economy finally hauls itself out of the doldrums, bringing the euro with it, there will be more kilometres to the mile and as a result our speed limits will fall.

    This will cut the death rate and, at the same time, produce an incentive for Britain's businessmen to pull up their socks, so they can get to work more quickly.

    I have another idea. Ban radial tyres and make us all drive around on crossplys. This way, no one would want to break the speed limit, because you can have just as much fun at 40 on a crossply as you can at 400 on a low-profile Pirelli. Even James May could power slide a Morris 1000. Oh, hang on, I've just remembered, he couldn't.

    Anyway, the big benefit of my crossply plan is that none of the fun of driving would be lost, but speeds would come down, the number of deaths would come down and best of all, g forces would come down. Which means an old man like me can continue to hang the tail out without breaking his spine in the process.

    [​IMG]
     
  2. kungfuwoo

    kungfuwoo New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2001
    Messages:
    61,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    IL
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    That would suck :o
     
  3. 00soul

    00soul halfsharkalligatorhalfman

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2001
    Messages:
    28,325
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    the overlook hotel
    cliffs?
     
  4. TriShield

    TriShield Super Moderator® Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2001
    Messages:
    132,822
    Likes Received:
    1,753
    Location:
    PRESIDENTIAL TOWER, GREAT AGAIN, NY
    Read?
     
  5. Jericho

    Jericho Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2002
    Messages:
    34,140
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't get it, what's the point of this article?
     
  6. Gonrad

    Gonrad OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2003
    Messages:
    17,422
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto
    I didn't read it all but Clarkson leaving Top Gear? :dunno:
     
  7. portajesus

    portajesus New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2005
    Messages:
    1,768
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Towson, MD
    :( he is the best part of that show
     
  8. SlowNegative

    SlowNegative Her name is Rio

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2000
    Messages:
    39,473
    Likes Received:
    219
    Location:
    Atlanta
    He lost me when he started babbling half way through the article. Is he quiting Top Gear?
     
  9. CJPA

    CJPA New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2002
    Messages:
    114,304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    AZ, USA
    Get goddamn Tiff Needel back for christ's sake
     
  10. iceburgslim

    iceburgslim Guest

    He sucks, I'm not reading that.
     
  11. iceburgslim

    iceburgslim Guest

    I loved him on the Adams Family though.
     
  12. Dr. Zoidberg

    Dr. Zoidberg the lovable tramp

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2003
    Messages:
    120,791
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    :bowdown: i love his writing
     
  13. hypermonkey

    hypermonkey Tastes just like raisins.

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2000
    Messages:
    36,763
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bakalakadaka St.
    Great article, I love how he goes off on a random tangent that has nothing to do with anything.
     
  14. 6SpeedTA95

    6SpeedTA95 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2003
    Messages:
    60,974
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    The point of the article?
     
  15. dsvtec

    dsvtec I have an LS3 AND an amazingly supple and flowing

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2001
    Messages:
    41,731
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Central West Pennsyltucky
    Opiates will make you do that.
     
  16. herpes

    herpes OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2005
    Messages:
    135,075
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    dfw
    :rofl: you guys need to learn to fucking read.
     
  17. Dr. Zoidberg

    Dr. Zoidberg the lovable tramp

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2003
    Messages:
    120,791
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    him bitching about England's hippie laws
     
  18. TriShield

    TriShield Super Moderator® Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2001
    Messages:
    132,822
    Likes Received:
    1,753
    Location:
    PRESIDENTIAL TOWER, GREAT AGAIN, NY
    Werd, he's a witty bloke.
     
  19. midnite

    midnite OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
    Messages:
    84,807
    Likes Received:
    119
    Location:
    San Diego, CA

    :bowdown: :o
     
  20. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2003
    Messages:
    27,552
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    State College, PA
    can i get a direct link to that story :o
     
  21. Ry-Ballz

    Ry-Ballz This sucks, change the channel

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2001
    Messages:
    33,044
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Mexico
    That guy kicks ass.
     
  22. shiyan

    shiyan grabbing titties in amusement parks OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2003
    Messages:
    80,489
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Belgium
    oh noes :rofl:
     
  23. Rob

    Rob OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2002
    Messages:
    88,626
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    Atlanta, GA
    HAha, good read. He was definitely off on a tangent.
     
  24. Offender

    Offender OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2002
    Messages:
    14,934
    Likes Received:
    2
    wow he's actually pretty funny, good article.
     
  25. Oman4x4

    Oman4x4 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2004
    Messages:
    9,387
    Likes Received:
    38
    Location:
    Dubai / Oman / Saudi Arabia
    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
     

Share This Page