Jealousy/Trust issues, as usual.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by oliver, Jan 14, 2009.

  1. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    So me and my girlfriend have been on and off for years, two yrs ago I cheated on her which SEVERELY damaged her trust for me. I've been paying for this daily :wtc:

    So here's the current scenario...I'm a homebound kind of guy, i dont go out often, maybe 1-2 a month. I work come home play ps3, smoke a blunt or two and repeat the proccess. IF and WHEN I do go out, it's usually to a club with my friends. Reason being that my friends ONLY go to clubs, they dont like bars, which i prefer. So my gf being very jealous and not having much trust for me hates it. She bears with it and I appreciate it. If i could convince my friends to do anything but go to clubs I would, but i cant so in order to keep my sanity and not go completely insane i go out with them to get my mind off arguing with my girl, stress from work or family. Her problem with me going out to a club is always the fear of me cheating on her and being unfaithful to her again. I understand why she feels and fears this but its been two years and i've treated her like a queen and made up for it tenfold.

    I am not perfect, I can't say that i have 100% trust for her because i dont. I can't say that i am not jealous because i am. I have different reasons for this though. She has always been faithful, i have never ever suspected/or expect her to be unfaithful. She's just not that kind of girl, she has that little ounce of respect for herself that most girls lack now a days. She loves to dance and since I dont like going out much when and if we do go out dancing its once in a blue moon. I dont bring her with me to the clubs with my boys because my friends are typical male jackasses. They disrespect women they act like jerks etc etc. I always tell her look i have too much respect for you to bring you around them, i dont disrespect women and i dont want my friends being the way they are while you are around. She understands this :o She has a sister and female cousins whom, i assume in their own relationships go out seldomly without their husbands and leave their kids at home to go out dancing :ugh: I was raised in an old fashioned home, my mother cooks cleans...my dad works and whever they go, they go together. I am adjusted to life in this modern era obviously but i still hold true to the old fashioned mentality that i grew up around. SOoooo this brings up the problem i have with her going out.

    I dont like it when she goes out because i feel like a woman shouldnt be going out 'dancing' with her female friends for fun. I dont see it as acceptable for a woman to leave her man/children at home to go and shake her ass and tantalize men at a club. I trust her ENOUGH to not cheat on me, that i can say. I know if/when guys approach her and try to seduce her she pushes them away or tells them off. I just dont like, let me rephrase that, i dont feel comfortable knowing my girl is in an environment like that without me. She wants to dance? fine lets go out dancing, whenver she says the word we can go. She wants to get away and spend time with her friends? fine, whats wrong with going to the movies, shopping, the mall, getting your hair done? etc...

    I always tell her i'm not going to be an oppressive boyfriend and tell you what you can and cannot do. I'm not her father nor would i like her to try to tell me what i can and cannot do. So this friday (first time in MONTHS though :o) shes supposed to be going out with her cousin, who to say the least is a bit loose (two kids, husband...and one night apparently got on stage at a club and danced while everyone videotaped :eek3:). It reallly reallly urks me that she's going even though i dont want to tell her not to go. On top of it all, shes going to a VERY bad neighborhood to some lounge and she's like "i'll be home by 4am" :wtf: :ugh:

    What can i do? :sadwavey:
     
  2. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    dump and move on
     
  3. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    Negative...these issues are not enough to leave her :hsugh:. She's a beautiful girl with respect for herself, etc etc. I love her and this is just a minor speedbump.
     
  4. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    to each his own. I personally have no relationship interest in girls that go clubbing with their slutty friends. You have complicated the issue exponentially by cheating on her and letting her find out.


    There is an adage that goes something along the lines of "show me a man's friends and I will tell you what that man is like"

    except in this case replace man with woman?



    *shrug*
     
  5. Televandalist

    Televandalist New Member

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    this doesn't sound minor at all. That being said you can get over it, dump her, or actually show interest in going out with her. If you take the initiative first you'll score points with her and second she'll see that you are interested in what she wants to do. I guess you could bring her out with your friends too, if she doesn't like it then she'll stop going... much less suspicion that way.
     
  6. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Did I miss something or is your main issue that you don't want her going to clubs, yet you refuse to stop going to clubs?

    Who are these people who only go to clubs and why are they your friends?

    This whole thing makes my head hurt, but mostly because my life is not even remotely like yours. I used to be you. In fact, I was in almost your exact position at one point in my life. You want to know what happened? She ended up cheating on me worse than I ever cheated on her. I dumped her, stopped smoking pot, stopped going to clubs, and started living the life I live now. I get the impression, you have no intention of changing your situation so let me see if I can give you some advice that you might actually listen to...


    In my experience anytime you bring two people together, there are bound to be personality conflicts that arise. Person A has qualities X, Y, and Z while Person B has qualities Q, R, and S. Person A really wants to date someone with qualities Q and R, but doesn't like S. Person B wants to date someone with qualities X and Y, but doesn't like quality Z.

    Persons A and B can try and work it out by either accepting those qualities they don't like, changing the qualities in themselves that the other doesn't like, staying together and being miserable, or breaking up. Sometimes people can accept qualities they don't like. Sometimes they can't. Sometimes people can change certain qualities about themselves. Sometimes they can't.

    The question you have to answer is- how important is this to you? If things never change will you be happy with that? If so, then just let the issue go. If not, then try and work something out with your partner, but realize that she may never change. Ultimately it comes down to this- either deal with it or leave. The possibility of you two resolving your issues exists, but the odds of that happening aren't something you should really aim for unless you have children involved.

    My 2 cents.
     
  7. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    I don't want to dump her, id rather work it out however i can. I do show interest in going out with her, we go to dinner movies etc. I just dont like clubs/parties in general, if its up to me i'd something more low key ALWAYS. and as i said earlier i dont want to bring her out with my friends, im the kind of man that likes to tell his friends "watch how you talk around my girl/the ladies" i have that kind of respect for women, a little bit of chivalry i guess :o.
     
  8. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    I dont refuse to stop going to clubs, the only way i can justify going to clubs is that, as you guys can already see this relationship takes its toll on me (and as you previously experienced). If i dont go out with my friends, i will explode one day and everything will have gone to shit. I go out with them to let loose and release the stress. Mind you, i dont even dance and shit at the clubs..i just go for the company, to drink and party. The guys im talking about are my only close 'guy' friends. The only ones who help me take my mind off the problems i have with my girl/family/work at the time being. I could say "fine i wont go to clubs, if you dont go to clubs...we'll only go together" and she'll accept it. Then what? the stress and arguing will build up and all the motivation i have to make it work will go down the drain, inevidably leading to our breakup anyways :o
     
  9. Televandalist

    Televandalist New Member

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    well if you won't dump her, and you don't like her going to clubs without you, then you need to make an effort to take her to the clubs. She will go with or without you.

    And as far as your chilvary goes, thats all well and good, but it sounds a lot more to me like control issues. Let her make up her own mind about your freinds, or better yet if your freinds are douche bags find new ones.
     
  10. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    If they're really your friends, then they'll hang out with you outside of a club. If not, get some new friends.
     
  11. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    theyre douchebags when it comes to girls, theyve always been there for me though. and guys will be guys. I cant say 'im not gonna be your friend anymore because you wont come to the park with me and jog' or something like that :mamoru:
     
  12. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    yeah cuz tele was totally advocating you calling up your bros to go walk the dog :hsugh:
     
  13. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    I'm just giving an example...the one thing id want them to accompany me to is to a bar. They dont like bars :o they like hoes and shit, so they choose clubs. I wont stop being friends with another man because he wont come with me to a bar :o
     
  14. Televandalist

    Televandalist New Member

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    You could always go out with your girl and her freinds. I have a ton of freinds that I made through my SO. If she has freinds with boyyfreinds it tends to be easier, but she'll probably trust you more with a girl she knows (depending on the girl) than one she doesn't. That or go to the bar and make freinds there just talk to people and see what happens.
     
  15. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    Very rarely is it a co-ed kind of outing. Usually its all girls things when they go out :o :ugh: i just dont understand why girls have to be so difficult. I always tell her, if you wanna go out let me know i'll take you out. Instead she stays quiet and then 'oh im going out with my girls' like wtf!??? if you wanted to go out you couldve told me and we wouldve went out together. now i cant say no because i dont wanna be controlling and it bothers the hell out of me because im just not comfortable with it.
     
  16. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you can open your eyes and see that you two are not compatible with each other. you like being home and relaxing and dont enjoy the environment of clubs and parties. she does. you want a woman who will sit at home with her man, and shes not that woman.

    minus all the other issues, this is the main one at the heart of everything. its nothing you can change or "fix", it just is. since you already said you dont want to break up with her, then deal with the fact that she will go out and have fun until the relationship dies on its own.
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    but you claim you have stress from the relationship and want to get out with the guys and away from her....i'm betting she has the same. do you see how hypocritical you are being?
     
  18. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    so you go out with your guy friends to clubs because they like going to clubs and you like to spend time "with the guys" to relax and keep your sanity.

    yet you are uncomfortable with her going out with her girl friends (who presumably like going to clubs) to clubs so that she can spend time "with the girls" and relax.

    am i missing something here? :hsugh:
     
  19. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    :wtc: this fucking sucks...
     
  20. Televandalist

    Televandalist New Member

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    then suggest a coed outing, just communicate... honestly this is probably not going to work, unless YOU not her put a ton of effort into it. It sounds a lot to me like you want someone who's life simply revolves around yours. I'm not going to lie I don't know a lot of cool women who just want to sit around, get high and play video games. Vodka is probably right this doesn't sound like its going to last very long, I could be wrong but you don't seem dedicated to anything but the idea of having her as your girlfreind. Make a serious effort or it won't work.
     
  21. Televandalist

    Televandalist New Member

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    the thing that sucks is that you've grown way to attached to someone that you will never be happy with. Change yourself and decide to be happy, or find someone else.
     
  22. oliver

    oliver New Member

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    it only sounds this bad because this is just a snippet of our relationship and this is after all an online forum. I try really hard and daily to make things work and to please her, make her happy etc etc. I'm not trying to be this way its just the way i am. Shes so good to me besides this kind of shit and vice versa. I'm gonna try to really sit down and talk it out with her. besides the going out situations/scenarios. I feel like me cheating on her has damaged our relationship to a point of no return and not just because of this problem. SOOOO many other things we go through, its obvious what i did will never be undone of forgotten. Ive tried to just do as much good as possible to erase that one night of 'bad' but it doesnt seem to work.
     
  23. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    As soon as I read that you cheated on her, I stopped reading the rest... What do you expect? Live with it........
     
  24. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    and thats fine. who you are is not compatible with who she is.

    i could never say anything bad about who my ex was as a person, and for the most part, how he treated me. it was the fact that we were different people. who he is was not compatible with who i am. simple enough.

    and she may not be a person who is ever able to truly forgive cheating. nothing you do or say will ever really erase that. its all up to how she chooses to react to it. if she chooses to make you suffer for your mistake forever, thats her. do you want to be with that? what if she makes you suffer forever?
     
  25. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Let me get this straight... it's okay for you to go out to clubs, but not for your girlfriend to go out?

    Sounds very 2-faced to me.

    You've cheated on her before, and you wont give up going to clubs with your friends, but if she wants to go out, you become insecure thinking it is not appropriate for a woman to go out and enjoy herself. She has to be at home all day waiting for you to get home.

    It sounds like you have just as much trust/jealousy issues as your gf does. Only thing is, her's are legit because you've been unfaithful before.
     

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