SRS I've contemplated suicide twice this week.(anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Nov 7, 2008.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    On Tuesday night my plan was to kill myself. I went to the store, bought 3 boxes of sleeping pills and had a half gallon of vodka in my room. 24 pills per box, 12 "dosages". My plan was to drink the equivalent of 8 shots to get some courage, crush up all of the pills, put them in water, drink them all and then drink as much vodka as I could without puking. Hoping to go to sleep and never wake up again. I started drinking, probably had 10 shots and then crushed up some of the pills and basically fell in them crying and threw them all over the ground. Started drinking more and then called 1800-SUICIDE hoping to save myself. I got so angry that they hung up on me. I then called my boyfriend and told him to come here because I couldnt stand living anymore and thought I was going to kill myself. I drank more waiting for him and I dont remember anything after that. He told me I came down to his car saw him and stumbled over hugging him and then we went up back to my room and I fell on my bed pretty much immediately. So suicide, failed. Couldnt take the pills which would have done me in I hope.

    Why am I so sad/hateful? My father beat the shit out of me as a kid. Kicked me, punched me, yelled at me. Every day was living hell as a child. I had cancer as a kid and thought I would die and so did the people around me. Somehow, I lived. I'm gay...being gay sucks. A lot. I came out this summer and my dad beat me up so much I was knocked out and woke up bloody all over and had a black/blue face. When I woke up I was thrown out of the house and told to never come back. Nothing hurts more than that. I still can't get over it and every day it hurts me. Most of you have your family still, I don't. I became close with my boyfriend's parents and now his dad dies. So now its just his mother I'm close with. I almost see her as my mother because mine hates e and is embarassed because of me.

    Every day all of this compounds on me and I feel worse and worse and worse. The only thing that makes me feel better is drinking.

    I also have cancer, again, and I was told last week that it has more than likely spread to other organs in my body and I have a surgery this month to confirm it. If confirmed, my survival chances are much too low to be optimistic. Dealing with death sucks.

    Basically, every day of my life so far has been the worst day of my life. There are random positive things in life that make me feel mildly better but only for a short amount of time. I want to drop out of school and just live life. whats the point of going to school if you could die in 3 years or less? u waste ur life. i want to live. I want to see the world and be with my boyfriend who i love. i want to marry him.

    the other night i contemplated suicide was tonight. i had the pills out again i bought more, but then i saw my BF sleeping and realized i wanted to live. the pain hurts so badly.

    i'm not gonna kill myself right now please do not worry. i'm going to bed right now and didnt do the pills. they are in the trash in the bathroom.
     
  2. i wrote this, no longer embarassed. liquid courage yay
     
  3. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2006
    Messages:
    8,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    You know, the problem with what you were trying to do:
    1. Most likely: you would have fallen asleep and puked. You might have choked on the puke. But you probably would not have.
    2. TAKING THAT MUCH MEDICATION AND LIVING THROUGH IT FUCKS UP YOUR INSIDES SOMETHING AWFUL. OVERDOSING ON ANYTHING IS BAD FOR YOU, BUT IT CREATES PROBLEMS THAT WILL FUCK YOU UP YEARS DOWN THE LINE.

    Go see a shrink, get on depression medication and fix this shit.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    You're so young man, so young....I really hope you don't do it.
     
  5. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    Messages:
    9,447
    Likes Received:
    0
    Funny you made this anonymous because I knew who you were by the beginning of the second paragraph. As far as your suicide attempt goes overdosing is hard and extremely painful. If you fail the time you do have left will not be pleasant at all. Some one suggested seeing a doctor and I think that maybe it might be a good idea for you. You can possibly become medicated but more importantly you will have some one face to face to talk to and vent to that can help you in the way you need. If I was in your situation and found out I only had a little bit of time left I would just cut loose rather than think of killing myself. Worrying about enjoying your life and not what has happened. Put the past in the past and just live one day at a time looking forward. Maybe that will work for you, maybe it won't but it's worth a shot.
     
  6. Kojubee

    Kojubee Member

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2006
    Messages:
    874
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wappingers Falls, NY
    So wait what the hell happend? Did someone really of himself/herself on OT? :noes:
     
  7. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2005
    Messages:
    13,722
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    at your mom's house. be back later.
    :hug: I'm sorry you're in so much pain and I'm sorry you are sick again. :hug: For what its worth, I like talking to you and I'd be sad if you weren't around anymore, Pen :hug:
     
  8. ihaveanevilplan

    ihaveanevilplan Everybody wake up, wake up, it's time to get down Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2004
    Messages:
    109,601
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    fuck man
    i hate that all that has happened to you

    have you sought professinal help? :hs:
     
  9. no, i think i need to though. i lack motivation to do anything anymore, try to sleep all day and whenever i am awake, i try to start drinking so i either pass out or just forget about what's going on. i just woke up at it's 4:30PM. i had plans for today but when my alarm went off i just turned it off and went back to bed, i felt like shit and didn't want to deal with anything. i don't know where to start if i want to start fixing any of this though.
     
  10. Post it here? i probably need to even though i dont want to.

    right now i'm drunk, high, and on adderrol now. just railed one. probably not very good idea.
     
  11. Ricky

    Ricky █▄ █▄█ █▄ ▀█▄

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2005
    Messages:
    38,766
    Likes Received:
    6
    Im not even sure what to say, besides try seeking some professional help.
     
  12. Feel free to laugh, it is pathetic after all. :)
     
  13. werd, i dont think being gay is a bad thing, but bad things come along with it. you get made fun of, people will sometimes no longer be your friend, new people might hate you, want to kill you even, your family could disown you. the actual part of being gay is fine i'm fine with it, obviously, it's me my self, its just the other people that make it hard. fucking loser people that are complete fucks make it hard. fuck them. my heart is pounding so hard all night and i cant slow it down. 5 AM and i dunno wtf the deal is.
     
  14. i'd say i'm doing mildly better now. still not fine though by any standards. i'm pretty much just clueless as to where i need to start in fixing my life...it is such a clusterfuck right now and i lack much willpower anymore to do anything that is hard. my days currently consist of waking up late, lifting (the only thing i really really like) and then eating of course and hanging out with friends every once in a while. i went to like two or three classes this entire last week which was really horrible but ya...i guess it makes sense. life comes before class and other such things.

    We (me and my boy :mamoru: ) are having a night in tonight as neither of us feels that hot and i personally enjoy a night in every once in a while. just cuddling on the couch makes me happy, which is a pretty rare occurrence.
     
  15. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2008
    Messages:
    23,518
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    SoCal
    Dang, dude. I'd read shit was rough for you, but I'm sorry to see it's riding you that hard.

    :hug:

    Professional help can definitely be beneficial, but involvement in something productive outside your usual haunts would be huge in removing you physically & mentally from all that's going on. Dunno where you're at or what to begin to recommend, but there's something somewhere for everyone.

    ... I say that & I haven't even been able to do the same for myself. Been doing the professional help thing so I guess 1 out of 2 ain't bad.

    Good luck, man. Depend on it. Everything always feels bad, but with luck, it will all be ok.
     
  16. Legend Zero

    Legend Zero OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2005
    Messages:
    35,873
    Likes Received:
    0
    does your boyfriend know about all this? what does he have to say? i know you said you don't have your family like most, but it seems to me he is your family now. :hs:
     
  17. Yeah he knows. He was there the first night after I called him and told him what I was about to do. Then he stayed with me until tonight because he was scared for me and wanted to help. And yes, I'd definitely say he is my "family" now...my dad is completely out of the picture and my mom is nearly gone too. She doesn't accept my "choice" to be gay by any means. I dunno...I still feel like a complete piece of shit, but I've started to see the positive things in life that I want to continue to live for and strive for in the future. Goals I still have not yet reached that I want to reach.
     
  18. Bib-Lettuce

    Bib-Lettuce New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2004
    Messages:
    832
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm really sorry to hear all that, I know I only know the e-you but you seem like a really good guy, someone I'd like to know in real life. Really wish I could help in some way. I guess these ideas come to mind:

    Like others said, professional help, even if it's just an ear, it may help even if you don't realize it at the time. I felt better during my therapy sessions even though I didn't feel it was because of it there was a chance it helped. Is there one at your Uni that's for students?
     
  19. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2004
    Messages:
    65,869
    Likes Received:
    554
    Location:
    In a van down by the river
    I suspected it might have been you when I read it.

    :hug:

    The most important thing for you is to get to a psychologist and get professional help. Not much any of us can do for you here online. But I think this is pretty much a given.

    That being said...

    You've been dealt some shitty things in life, and the way I see it, even somebody who has been through so much shit as you have still has a choice.

    You can choice to let the circumstances which have wracked you with both physical and mental pain to completely destroy you and your life. Or you can choose to rise above it.

    I know that that is much easier said than done. But the thing of it is, you don't have to miraculously heal overnight. It will most likely take some time to fix all the shit and the issues that are driving you to want to destroy yourself (whether or not you take those pills, you are still engaging in some serious destructive habits).

    Pick yourself up off the floor and take a step. Just one step in the right direction. Call the doctor/psychologist and make the appointment. Shake yourself off and take another step...join AA and get networked with a support group. Look around you and take another step...recognize the things that are worth living for in life. It may not seem much, but if you dig down you can probably find reasons to carry on. If you allow your failures and your hardships to define you, they will destroy you. But if you can see them for what they really are, they will propel you.

    You have so much to live for (despite the endless cycle of pain you have felt in the past) and you don't have to let these hardships keep you down. You CAN be more than you are right now. I've seen your posts...I've seen how you've given advice to people here. You are more than you give yourself credit for.

    Your father is a piece of shit for beating you and the way he treats you. Realize that it's HIM who has the issues and he is taking them out on you. It's not you. You aren't the way he treats you. You're better than that.
     
  20. energie

    energie I like to place an order.. the name? Situation the

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,753
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    oilcity alberta
    PiM i just want to say All the trolling i did was in fun I didnt mean any of the gay comments i said :hs:


    all i can say is wow, you should go seek some help. Keep working out and hitting the gym instead of drinking/drugs.

    If doctors/professional help dont work. Have you ever though of looking into spiritual help?
     
  21. I've received this advice from a few people on here and I think that is really what I need to do.

    Right now I'm pretty close to rock bottom. I just need to step up a little at a time. One thing you said though was join AA. :( I never thought my drinking was really a "problem", but I guess it kind of is. Currently it's just how I deal with my pain and it helps me get from day to day and that's it. I don't think I rely on it to live, although it makes it much easier. I have a few drinks every night, not a ton where I blackout but enough where I do pass out pretty well.

    I am right now kind of in the middle of the two extremes. My fuck ups in life are continuing to be pretty painful and are the reason I feel so shitty everyday, but I am trying to look at the positive things in my life more than the negative ones...it's hard though I guess, especially when they are outweighed like 10 to 1.

    It's no big deal. Obviously I dont like most of the comments you guys say but some of them are funny and give me a chuckle just because they are so ridiculous. :rofl: Not sure what you mean by spiritual help though. I am not religious by definition but do believe there is something out there that is smarter than us and an after life of some sort or reincarnation or something.

    I want to talk to someone about my problems in real life as a real hug is a lot better than an e-hug, but not really sure where to start. I think I'll go look on my school's site now and see if they have anything. :hsd:

    I was so tired today I didn't go to the gym and I think not going contributed to my bad feelings tonight...it really does let me relax.
     
  22. energie

    energie I like to place an order.. the name? Situation the

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,753
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    oilcity alberta

    Doesnt have to be from areligious person but i believe faith and religion are different. And i am not religious myself but maybe spiritual healing could help. mind you do have different circumstances :hs:
     
  23. Do you do this "spirtual healing" thing?

    My asian friend's mom actually supposedly does that...I dunno if I believe it though...lots of people swear by it though. She's a really nice lady but I dunno if I'd ever feel comfortable enough to do that with her...plus I wouldn't want to explain my life story to a friend's mother. She knows some of it (getting kicked out of my house) but not why I got kicked out and pretty much everything else.
     
  24. energie

    energie I like to place an order.. the name? Situation the

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,753
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    oilcity alberta
    i havent done it, but if one way doesnt help might as well try all avenues of help?




    Dont do it with her just ask her about it since she knows about it and can give you a had.
     
  25. ugh, i think maybe i am an alcoholic...or at least one in the making.

    i've been drunk every night since Tuesday and probably every other day before that for a while. sometimes it wont be a lot, maybe i'll just have like 4-5 shots to mellow out a little, but tonight i probably had like 12 shots so far of some rum and i'm pretty fucking drunk. without it i feel really depressed at night. i still feel depressed now but i dont have to think about why and that makes me feel better. i used to smoke weed for a similar effect but i try not to smoke anymore as it leads o me smoking all the time and being lazy...even though being lazy is fun i'd rather not.
     

Share This Page