SRS I've been seeing someone(anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Apr 19, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    "Hello everyone, this is going to be long, so thank you very much if you take your time to read this.

    I've been seeing someone since January. Let's call him Jeff. I've never felt like things were so right with any other men. We understand each other very well, we can be ourselves when we're together, we don't judge each other, we have a lot of fun, he truly worries about me and I worry about him... The list goes on, I think you get it. They may be very basic things but I honestly never had all of those with anyone. It's funny because we have very different ideas, and we have had a very different lifestyle and childhood. You could even say our ideas on things such as politics are conflicting, yet I'm not uncomfortable with him nor him with me. We never fight, we just can't do it. We're always able to talk and say what's in our minds without fear.

    Despite this... He's not even my boyfriend. We live far from each other, we're only able to see each other perhaps once or twice every one or two weeks. He says that he doesn't go out with me because of this, because he feels a relationship requires more time to spend with the other person. I do see his point, but I'm happy with things as they are. I'm not very needy, and I know he's there for me, but sometimes I do wonder if he's just saying excuses, because I've been through so many bullshit with other guys that I don't know what to think anymore.

    A few months ago, things changed for the worse in his life. His grandmother, who Jeff sees as his own mother because of how close they always were, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months ago. She lives very far to the south (Jeff lives now in the north because he moved with his family a few years ago, grandma decided to stay where she was). Because of this, Jeff's mother had to go see her to stand by her side during those tough times. Jeff had to stay home taking care of his little sister while the father was always working. But Jeff didn't have time to take care of her, and his only option was to stop studying and now has to wait until next year to try again due to the nature of the job he was pursuing.

    A few days later, Jeff told me that his mother decided they would be moving to the south again in June to stay with grandma, because she's going to die for sure in the next months. He's basically forced to move because he depends on them and their money to have something to eat everyday. I don't want to lose him... And I think I am a nobody with no right to tell him what to do. But... I can't stand the idea of doing nothing about it.

    He doesn't want to live in the south again. There, some people despised him and his family for all the wrong reasons. He has made many good friends here, he was going to get a really good job, and then, there is me, of course... And he's going to lose everything again. It's not the first time he has gone through something like this.

    That's why I've been thinking and want to ask him if he would like to stay here with me. But it's not so easy. I'm 19 and he's 20. We're both very young, and my mother lives with me. I already talked to her and she has no problem with him living with us. After all, I always had to cope with two of her boyfriends since I was 9. The last one lived with us for five years until a few months ago he moved to a house he recently finished building. I didn't even have to mention that I always respected who she wanted to live with her (and, subsequently, with me). She can see this since she's not a selfish person at all. Quite the opposite actually, she has done too much things for me. I don't think there would be problems with my mother since she's barely home, and they would get along great anyway. She works a lot and spends a lot of time with her BF, often staying in his house. It's almost as if I lived alone.

    I don't have a work yet (though most likely I'll have one by Christmas, I do study), but since my parents are divorced, the money my father sends me every month is enough to do grocery shopping and help my mother paying our house.

    I want to ask Jeff in person about living with me, but I haven't seen him in three weeks, since his mother came back home and a few days later she took some holidays again and took all her family with her to visit the grandmother. We still talk on MSN and call each other a lot though, but the wait is killing me as I can't bring myself to request something like this without being before his eyes.

    I don't think my reasons are so selfish. It's true I want him to be with me, but there are also a lot of issues he has with his family. They don't understand each other anymore. He always has to do whatever they say and has to make a lot of sacrifices for them, which remain with no appreciation. As I said, he had to stop studying to take care of her little sister, and he has been feeling very sad since then. His mother only made unfortunate comments to make things even worse. And this is one easy example out of many others which are much more complex to explain. What matters here is that he has explicitly told me he would feel very disgraced and unhappy if he had to move in June, but at the same time, I know he wants to be with his grandmother until she dies. I do know the feeling. Then he'd probably choose to stay living there, who knows.

    If he decides to stay with me, he would have to explain his family why he stays, where and with who. And they still know nothing of me for reasons I don't want to discuss, but trust me on this, his reasons are more than justified. But he's an adult. I want him to understand this. He's very mature but lacks the courage to face his family. He should be able to do what he wants with his life if he has options available to him.

    I post as an anonymous because I guess I'm afraid of the replies. Maybe I'm rushing things, maybe I'm being delusional, immature or stupid. Maybe I'm living in a fairy tale. I understand asking someone to live with you is no joke and is a big decision for both persons. But if I never ask him, it would be hard to live with the lost chance, thinking "maybe if I asked him things would be very different...". And I have a past full of lost chances because I didn't even try to do something about them. And if he says "no", at least I can say I tried.

    So... Tell me what do you think. Advice, everything, is appreciated. I'm sorry if I'm being vague in some aspects, some things would give away too much information. And the topic is long enough already."
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    So, you've been seeing each other once or twice every 2 weeks for 4 months. and you want him to move in with you? And you guys are only 19 or 20?

    You're afraid of the replies because you already know what the answer SHOULD be.

    Quite frankly....this is a HORRIBLY stupid idea. You guys are NOT ready to be living together, doing so will kill any relationship you have now, not to mention make it very awkward for your family.
     
  3. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    are they moving back for good? if they are moving for the gma and according to you she only has a few months.... will they be moving back?

    i ask that bc i dont think him moving in is a good idea for your relationship. too young and you have not been dating long.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    "MattThom01, regardless, the relationship will be killed once he moves, as I won't be seeing him again. You have only adressed how we're young (but do consider aswell that age does not have anything to do with anybody's maturity), but I think you haven't considered all the other issues. As I said, there are a lot more things that I haven't talked about as I didn't want to give out too much details. So keep in mind that the story might not be as superficial as you think it to be.

    So far, everyone close to me that knows of the whole thing has supported my decision and don't think it's a stupid idea, since they know what's exactly going on. They know there can and will be problems but they don't put it the same way as you. I merely want some insight from people from "the outside", it's good to know how people will perceive things.

    Even if things go wrong, at least I tried. Can't you see that? If all goes well, good, and if all fails, good aswell, because if that were the case, I NEED to fail. I want to do what I think is right in my life instead of crying and doing nothing.

    Thank you for helping.

    Thehandofchaos, he's moving for good and once he does that I will assume he will find someone else, as I will do aswell, but I don't want to lose what I currently have going on with him"
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Oh look, another case of "You didn't say what I want to hear, so I'm going to shoot you down by saying "you don't understand!"

    Ok, let me break it down:

    If he moves in with you, for how long will it be? What's the plan if you and he break up? You guys see each other once or twice a week to every two weeks now. Do you honestly know him well enough to transition to seeing him EVERY day at home?

    Will he be helping with expenses? Paying rent/utilities?

    Honestly? It sounds like you have made up your mind already.
     
  6. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Coming from another guy this is the biggest bullshit excuse, he's not in a relationship with you b/c he either has someone else on the side or he's using you as a fuck buddy. Asking this guy to move in with you would be a terrible mistake on your part, but you probably won't take any advice from anyone here anyway b/c you made up your mind already...good luck
     
  7. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    This is a really foolish idea. Too young, not really know the other person, you aren't together, etc...



    what if he moves in and continues to fuck other girls ? or you two have a little argument
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I don't think it's stupid, but I think you're naive to the consequences that you're likely to experience.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2009
  9. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I recommend you let him go both emotionally, and physically. It's unfortunate, but all the red flags are present, which others have already listed. If he returns at a later time, you may have a future opportunity, but right now isn't that time.

    That's rarely true, and in-fact when someone is mature at a younger age it's often a sign the matured too quickly and suffered trauma and various other situations that forced them to grow -- which makes them unsuitable partners until they have delt with their issues. I hear it all the time from parents saying "He's so mature for his age" -- but meanwhile back home the mother is single and an alcoholic who can't even pay the bills, wash dishes, or clean the house. Who ends up taking care of the siblings and these burdens? The "mature kid."

    I'll bet anything that you come from a background that's similar with family problems, dysfunction, etc.

    So, I do think age plays a big role in this particular case, and the reason I say so is based on the very questions you're asking and his behavior so far.

    That's my perspective and experience. If you wish to ignore it, that's ok, I won't judge -- it's just something to think about.

    Involving yourself in someones problems or trying to "help" -- in a situation like this will be unhelpful I suspect -- based on my observation in other cases I've seen. You can't "help" him, not now. This is only one of many reasons. If things are "this complex" after seeing each other physically only about 4-8 times, and only knowing each other for 4 months it is absolutely not a wise move to invest in a situation which will likely become very stressful as time progresses.


    I don't think it's "stupid" -- I think it's unwise to proceed though. I've seen this time and again, and it's absolutely not in people's best interest to get involved with someone (when they aren't even in a relationship) and start helping someone else try to overcome adversity of a family nature.

    Sure, you tried, but the important thing is to carefully think things through and look at the probability of various outcomes. What will likely happen if you do A, B, C. If you invite him to stay, A: He will likely take advantage, if he does stay, and will end up seeing other people, not you. B: Your stress level will rise and it will interfere with your quality of life watching him deal with the stresses of his own life. You'll feel compelled to help someone who can't be helped. C: Once he's moved in, moving him out -- which will be inevitably if A and B take place, and then you'll have him "stuck". Resentment and frustration will build, because you went far out of your way to help, and the results were anything but gratitude.

    Am I psychic? No, but I can see -- based on the words you used, the format of your paragraphs, and the content and context, that A, B, and C are likely. If they don't happen exactly as I've indicated, there is a very good chance the same pattern will take place with "slight" deviations. Perhaps he "will" get into a relationship with you -- but the strain and burden of B will end up leading to C eventually.

    Make your decision and live with the consequence. Perhaps it will end poorly (Very likely) or Perhaps it will end well -- if it's a gamble you're willing to take, and if you're willing to sacrifice time and the quality of your life for a "possible" positive outcome, then do it.

    It sounds like you're the only one who has anything going in this relationship. I'm a guy, I know a lot of guys, and the way he's playing his cards, it's clear he's got his eye on a number of other baskets to put his eggs in literally and metaphorically.

    Maybe I'll be wrong and everything will work out well -- or maybe it'll work out even for just a little while and that'll still satisfy you -- it's your life and your choice and everyone has gone through situations like these. Sometimes there's good advice that we just can't take, and that's fine -- it's only good advice if it's correct anyway, and you never know until you try (right)?
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2009
  10. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    regardless of age, you havent known him that long and you aren't even in a relationship. He doesnt sound ready for a relationship and neither of you seem very independant or responsible yet. I can understand wanting to help, but sometimes you are just not in a position to help. I would suggest letting him move but stay in touch.
     

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