SRS it is normal for people to contemplate suicide every day, right?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by borborygmus, Sep 22, 2009.

  1. borborygmus

    borborygmus Guest

    I don't mean like think all day of ways to kill yourself or anything like that, but just thinking about how much nicer it would be if you were dead. :dunno:

    I'm all different kinds of fucked up and I don't even know where to start with it all. I'm 29 years old, I have a job that pays well and is very stable, I'm married to the girl I have been in love with since I was 16 years old, we've got a house, great friends, loving families, etc. Yet, I feel like a complete and total failure and I honestly cannot fathom the idea that I've still probably got another 60 years before the end. I have absolutely no reason to feel unhappy but the only reason I haven't /myself is because I know that it would crush my wife and family. I've got no grounds for complaints about life and I actually feel ashamed of myself about feeling depressed :(

    I guess things really turned bad last month when my wife got diagnosed with a uterine fibroid. It isn't that big of a deal, lots of women have them, but it caused her to miss her last period and we really thought she was pregnant, when we found out that the tumor was the cause I felt like I died inside. It isn't even my body, I'm not the one that has to go through with the crazy hormone treatments and surgery and recovery. I've just got to be there to support her and help her get back to normal again. But man, I really thought I was finally going to get to be a daddy to something that wasn't a pet. I guess I'm just bitter about the whole thing because my wife's sister and her husband are both sacks of shit and they're spitting out kids like rabbits. Yes, I realize that's a juvenile and makes me look weak, but she rubbed it in our noses when she had her 5th child 2 weeks ago (that's a whole nother thread that I don't feel like making)

    Millions of people have to deal with lives that are far worse than the worst thing I've ever experienced, why am I bitching? I was never beaten or raped or had anyone close to me die or even had to suffer through intense pain. I still think about running my car full speed into bridge pylons, stepping out of traffic in front of a bus, jumping off of a building, etc, but I don't want to be a burden on the people that would have to clean up the mess I would make. This isn't exactly anything new, either. When I was 6 or 7 I sat in my room at my mom's house with a fillet knife at my throat with the tip sitting on my jugular. I could feel the blade poking me every time my heart beat, and the only reason I didn't do it then was because I knew that my death would pretty much be the end of my dad. I guess he had some depression issues and stuff after my mom cheated on him and divorced him when I was 3. I actually found a bottle of anti depressants that were prescribed to him from that time period when we were cleaning out his old house when he moved a few years ago. I asked my aunt about it and she said that my dad apparently got all manic and suicidal during that time.

    I just don't know what to do or say, I feel like the only reason I'm here is to be there for my wife until she dies. I don't have any aspirations or life goals or anything, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere or buy anything. I don't want anything at all, I'm just plain done. Nothing really affects me one way or the other, most of the time I am an emotionless zombie. Sometimes I am perfectly content with life and other times, like today, I just want to be dead. Nothing interests me anymore, nothing excites me, every day is just a race to wake up, space out at work for 8 hours, come home & have dinner then watch some TV or play some games then go to sleep. Every night I go to sleep with the hopes that I won't wake up, but every morning I do. I just can't see myself doing this for another 10 years even, much less 60. It seems like for the past few years I've just been watching myself going through the motions of living, almost as if I'm watching a movie of myself in real time. I see myself do activities and make choices and have experiences, but all of it is completely unimportant filler. Even saying that makes me feel bad about it because I know that "that's life" and that everyone else seems to be doing fine with that.

    I am fully aware that this is all just pointless attention whore-esque drama that's not going to have any effect on anything, I don't even know why I typed this all up, I just wondered if anyone else ever feels this way or am I just fucking nuts? :dunno:


    sorry about the wall of random text
     
  2. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Have you been through any therapy? Are you on any medications?

    Being depressed leads to thoughts like that. :hs:
     
  3. borborygmus

    borborygmus Guest

    no and no

    I have no valid reason to be depressed so I shouldn't be
     
  4. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    I've read a lot about depression, and it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Medication can sometimes effectively control that.
     
  5. borborygmus

    borborygmus Guest

    I'm aware of that. My wife was on effexor for about a year and a half a few years ago because she was in this really screwed up job situation.

    I don't know that being a pill-induced emotional zombie is any better than being a natural emotional zombie :sad2:
     
  6. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

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    I feel that way a lot. Not that i'm suicidal, just... life would be simpler if i was dead. no hard work, no awkward situations, no hassles of any kind. perpetual sleep. Its weird yes. But nope, you're not alone in feeling that way.
     
  7. borborygmus

    borborygmus Guest

    :hug:

    for me it isn't about life being simpler or free from hard work or awkward situations. Life is already exceedingly easy and boring and the hard work and awkward situations break up the monotony of it all.

    It just seems like I've done everything I want to do and am ready for it all to end
     
  8. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    Obviously, you have made up your mind about medication, and that is great. I am on your side in that I don't think medication is required. Though, I feel that you have a lot of stuff inside you that you should talk about that you don't.

    Just because there is someone out there that is worse off than you does not mean you do not have a reason to be depressed. Just because I've been through more traumatic experiences than you does not mean that since I'm not contemplating suicide, you can't contemplate it.

    You need to talk to someone man. You may not realize it, but there may be more things that drive you crazy than on the surface. Don't be afraid to take the cover off your life and let everyone in to see it.

    I would suggest talking to a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist. If they suggest one, then I would think about it). Even if it is just for one meeting to see how it goes, you never know. If you have a health insurance plan, most of it might be taken care of and you won't have to pay that much.
     
  9. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    You're probably not qualified to make that decision.
     
  10. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    I was depressed through high school and college, with no reason to feel that way, apart from hating "school" as a concept. I didn't want to be there, and I think it contributed feelings that were there due to chemical imbalances. Medication helped me a lot, and I used it until I was in a place where I didn't need it.

    Depression is a disease of the brain. Don't think of it as there being something wrong with you. You have no control over it, just like someone with the Flu can't stop "being sick". Time, discussion, and maybe medication are things you need.
     
  11. borazhasleftthebuilding

    borazhasleftthebuilding Lets Party OT Supporter

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    wouldnt say normal, but not that odd...not everything is as it seems with other people, they show what they want to show....not that there is comfort in that

    once I bury my dogs, dunno what Ill do, maybe come up with another crutch, cuz yer sposed to keep yerself occupied to stave off the thoughts, amirite?
     
  12. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

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    I'm so filled with hate for everything, I find the bad side of everything. My day starts at 6am when i leave the house, and ends when i come home at 7. Its monotonous. I want to brutally murder 90% of the people i come into contact with. I think my life would be less complicated/hate filled if I weren't in it. No more getting up at the asscrack of dawn, no more rent, no more failing at everything I try. No more wondering if i'm a monster because of some of the things I think. feels good man. at least in theory.
     
  13. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    how can "dead" be nicer than "alive"?

    "nicer" implies consciousness to understand different levels of "niceness". if you're dead, you have no fucking clue if it's "nice" in that box or not.





    anyway, you need to talk to a therapist, pronto.
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Chemistry trumps logic.

    You may not be able to see any valid reason why you are depressed but that doesn't mean you aren't. Your brain chemistry may just be off because of some biological reason.

    You know...I used to feel like you a lot. In fact, I was so bored with life I couldn't imagine hitting 35 much less 30. I felt trapped and powerless to change it and I hated my job which was boring, stressful, unfulfilled and generally sucked. I was so used to this pain that I didn't even realize I was in pain.

    Like you, I had NO reason to be depressed but here I was.

    I never got on antidepressants but I probably should have. I may need them now because I can kind of feel myself going back to those days. But today i realize it's because I see clearly the senselessness in my job. It doesn't matter and it's boring and repetitive.

    Instead of killing yourself why not try some things that either you've put off or were scared to do?
     
  15. piratepenguin

    piratepenguin New Member

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    Take a break.
     
  16. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    THIS.




    i've seen more people not take drugs they need because "I don't like taking pills. I should be able to control this myself!" those people (the ones who really need drugs) are being stupid. you might as well tell diabetics that they "...don't need shots. They should be able to control it themselves!"
     
  17. borborygmus

    borborygmus Guest

    That's exactly why I posted this here in the asylum, to talk about it :hsd:


    aww bernie :hug: Shitty thing about cats is that they would be just fine without me around. Depending on how Lisa's surgery goes in november, we might be getting a doggah.

    I don't hate everything, I just don't see the point to any of it. People bicker and worry about the dumbest shit they could possibly occupy their time with and it is :ugh: to me. My job sounds pretty much like yours (boring and monotonous and unfulfilling) and it leaves me with nothing to do but think about shit between 8am and 6pm :sad2:

    it would be nice to just not exist at all. I don't believe in heaven and hell, but I do believe in an interlife between incarnations and I'm not sure of how suicide fits into it all, so I'd rather not mess up my chances.

    If there has ever been anything I wanted to do, I've done it. Now I am at the point that nothing interests me and I just don't care to do anything at all. There have been a number of times in the past that I have busted my ass to save up for something and then I bought it and was like, now what? Or the many broken cars that I've owned and fixed up and sold because I get bored with everything so fast. Since 2001 my wife and I have owned 30 different cars, lol.

    from what? :dunno:

    I've seen first hand what antidepressants do and I know how fkn hard it is to wean yourself off of them and I'd rather not have to go through that again. fkn thing sucks :sad2:
     
  18. Clifton

    Clifton McLAREN FTW

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    wtf keef? you serious?
     
  19. borborygmus

    borborygmus Guest

    no, I'm trolling the asylum



































    but srsly tho :hsd:
     
  20. Clifton

    Clifton McLAREN FTW

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    well I have had someone commit suicide very close to me.. Bradley, my cousin who was like another brother to me. We had no idea there was any problem. I really wish I would have known because I would have done everything in my power to help him, talk to him, be with him. Nobody is going to know your feelings unless you talk to them about it. Suicide is not the answer, it is a very very selfish thing. Not only did he scar his parents and sister for life (seriously, my aunt and uncle are not the same) but so am I. I still get all choked up when I think about it. It is not the answer and if you have these thoughts, trolling or not, you should talk to someone. The world will not be better without you, guaranteed.

    Suicide may be the end of you, but it jacks everyone around you for the rest of their lives and that is just not fair.
     
  21. borborygmus

    borborygmus Guest

    I know it is a selfish thing to do and that it would completely fuck up lisa and our families, that's why I haven't done it.

    this isn't anything new, ever since elementary school I have been thinking about it, it's gotten to the point now that I have ups and downs where the up days are ok and the down days are kind of scary.

    and no, I'm not trolling
     
  22. Clifton

    Clifton McLAREN FTW

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    well then you need to talk to someone about it. get that shit fixed. its not normal to have those feelings
     
  23. feetball

    feetball New Member

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    Keith ... have you talked to Lisa about this? If not, you should ... she is the closest person to you.

    And DO NOT give up on the kids thing. You don't KNOW what the outcome of Lisa's surgery will be and if she will be able to carry a child. You have got to hold out for that chance, whatever the odds may be. Even if she cannot carry a child, it's not the end of your parenting possibilities. Even though you don't think you can afford adoption, you may eventually be able to. Set a goal and plan to get where you need to be financially and work toward it.

    I don't know if you want to talk about it here but are you sure your "activities" at home (the ones I have taken part in on occasion) are not having an effect on you? I'm sure you think it isn't but it very well could. I know it did with our cousin Bradley.

    You know my AIM and phone # if you ever need to talk ... don't hesitate at all dude...
     
  24. feetball

    feetball New Member

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    Oh yeah ... once you have kids ... all this will go away ... unless you have eleventy of them I guess...
     
  25. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I've seen firsthand what antidepressants can do, and as far as I'm concerned they're little bits of miracle.

    Maybe what you saw was the wrong antidepressant, or the wrong person, or the wrong <fill in the blank>. There's more than one, you know.
     

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