SRS Issue with future fiance... what should I do?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by FurY, Feb 2, 2009.

  1. FurY

    FurY Fortune favors the bold... OT Supporter

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    I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible...

    I've been dating my girlfriend for about 9 months now, and we've been very close friends for nearly 5 years. Everything is great with us... we enjoy the same things, click very well, have no real problems, and always enjoy being with each other. I play World of Warcraft with some buddies of mine and back in October she wanted to try playing since she thought it would be something fun that we could do together. I helped her get into the game and she enjoys playing now too.

    Over the weekend, one of the players in our guild told her that he had feelings for her (mind you, they've only ever talked over voice chat in game and shared their myspace pages with each other). He ended up leaving our group saying that he couldn't be around her anymore because it was too difficult for him and so on. Honestly it didn't really surprise me as I was already thinking it might happen with this guy (saw some signs that raised a red flag). The problem is, she then told me that she also has feelings for him. Not love him, but has feelings for him.

    She was very upset and said she didn't realize she had feelings for him until he left. She was upset because she says she realizes she was wrong in having feelings for someone else and that she truly does want to be with me and marry me but she doesn't understand why it happend. I respect the fact that she told me she had feelings for him, she didn't have to do that... but she told me she wanted to be honest with me.

    She thinks there's something wrong with her for having this happen and she's seeing a therapist this week about it. I don't understand how she can tell me she wants to be with me and what not, but have this happen. Is it possible for you to all of a sudden realize you have feelings for someone like that? Not to mention it's ridiculous because it was over a video game and this dude is across the country from where we live.

    I'm not sure what to do at this point... she's getting help because she says she's serious about us and getting married. Hell, I was getting ready to start shopping for a ring next week and propose this spring to her... now I don't even know what to do. I feel like I won't be able to trust her if she is talking to another guy friend without something happening.

    I think I've covered everything, I'm sure I'm forgetting something. Anyway, should I give things a shot with her still? I've never been so happy with someone in my life and I love her to death and want to marry her, but now I'm scared I'm going to get hurt. Any advice is appreciated... thanks for taking the time to read.
     
  2. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Rule?

    Dont play wow.
     
  3. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    there's nothing "wrong" with her. she's human, the guy was <whatever...nice, funny, like a brother, etc> and she got fond of him. it's not as big a deal as you two are making it, but it is good she's talking to someone about it.

    I'm married and there are women I "like." That doesn't mean I don't love my wife. Doing something about it would absolutely be wrong. Meeting or talking behind my wife's back or doing anything to kindle some kind of feelings would (IMO) be cheating so that wouldn't happen.

    Wait. She started to like a guy, ended it, told you about it, and is getting help and you feel like you can't trust her?

    She's exactly the kind of person you CAN trust. I'd start shopping for that ring.

    If you're looking for a way out you can use this. If you think she's the one then let her talk to the therapist and still plan to pop the question in the spring.
     
  4. FurY

    FurY Fortune favors the bold... OT Supporter

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    Thanks that puts it in a good perspective... I'm definitely not looking for a way out... quite the opposite. I'm really glad that she was upfront and honest with me about it. What bothered me was that it was over a stupid video game and had me concerned that what if this happend again but with someone down the street for example. I'm glad she's taking steps to figure things out and I do want to continue as planned with her... I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision.

    Thanks again.
     
  5. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i wouldnt buy the ring yet.

    its good that she was honest, and now you guys need to spend some time finding out why this happened. was she just enjoying the attention the other guy gave her? if so, she needs to figure out how to not let that get in the way of your relationship together. if she cant fix this, it will happen for the rest of your lives, and that wont make for a happy marriage. did she actually have a connection with him? if so, then she needs to figure out if she likes one of you more than the other. shes human, things happen and sometimes we like people we meet and have connectins with. thats fine, but she needs to decide if she likes him as more, and if she wants to be with you or him. if its you, she needs to stop talking to and interacting with him completely. was she seeking somethng out in this new "relationship" because something is lacking in yours? if so, what is lacking? and is it fixable? maybe she felt you were not giving her enough attention, maybe she felt you didnt listen to her enough, etc. you both need to decide what you want and need from a SO and figure out if you each are capable of giving it to each other.

    once you get through those things (and only after), THEN you can think about getting a ring again. for now, there is no reason to rush buying the ring if things are still rocky with you
     
  6. FurY

    FurY Fortune favors the bold... OT Supporter

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    I know she didn't have a full on connection with him... I really believe she has that with me from the way she acts, what she does, and the fact that she's flat out told me she does.

    I do wonder if it was some things I'm lacking on my end... very possible and I'm willing to work on whatever it is that I'm not doing a good enough job of. I try to do everything right but maybe I messed up somewhere.

    Agreed on the ring as well... I want things to be sorted out and OK with us first before I take that next step. I do still want to marry her but I think it'd be best to handle this first and foremost.
     
  7. lina

    lina New Member

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    I think for now she just needs some space. If you care a person too much, esclusively, she probably feels so tight up and sometime she needs to release that emotion by talking to another male.

    Leave her alone, don't push her so much. If she is the girl, then she is. If not, there are tons of nice girls out there.

    But you have to believe yourself first.
     
  8. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    grow up. he asked about his fiance. answer him or don't hit reply
     
  9. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    I would dump. Any girl that gets seduced by a wow player over voice chat / in game is a low quality type of woman IMO. (and I would know, I picked up a cute 35 year old wow player who drove 3 states away for me to fuck raw dog in a motel)

    You should dump and find a girl that is planted solidly in real life with real life activities and hobbies that promote growth and not computer game addictions/ trysts. She has low interest in you to begin with if skinny twats over the internet are seducing her from you.

    Dump.

    side note: what the fuck dating for only 9 months and proposing? I dont give a fuck if you have been friends for 10 years I am honestly surprised she hasnt friend zoned you even though it does sound like you are in a way friend zoned.... weird this situation is just weird move on.
     
  10. snoodles

    snoodles New Member

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    ^^ LOL pics of wow player?? nudes??



    on a more serious note though, don't get the ring yet.
     
  11. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    Is she happy with the amount of time and attention you give her? Really? Chances are the guy she was talking to was a nobody with nothing going for him, but she was probably drawn to the attention she received and the way talking to him made her feel wanted.

    Is this bad? Yes and no. She told you, yes, but she can't let herself be pulled in by every lonely soul that shovels a few compliments her way. The world is full of them. Hold off on the ring and frequently plan some time for you to do something together that doesn't involve wow. Reconnect with her. Let her know she doesn't need attention from basement dwellers because you are in her life and you love her. ps. nine months is way too soon to get married.

    I play wow and there are a lot of that type of guys out there. Especially alliance side. God, I wish my rl friends played hoard.
     
  12. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    its spelled horde
     
  13. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    Meh, thats what I get for not checking my spelling.
     
  14. Mischievous

    Mischievous E8 group drawn in 64' by Peter McMullen

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    This situation is only as big of a deal as you both make it out to be. Feeling emotion is part of being human and who you feel for and why doesn't always make sense. The most important aspects of a relationship are trust and communication, she's displayed both.

    Our perspective of a relationship often governs our reactions, you are merely sharing part of your existence with her and vice versa, you'll still find other women attractive and she'll find other men attractive. You may even develop feelings for another person of the opposite sex in your life other than your SO, it's part of being human. being committed to a relationship is understanding and being rational about what you do with those feelings.

    In short she was honest and forthright, The best thing that you could be is reassuring that you're as committed as she is to the relationship, that having emotions is normal and that you are grateful for her honesty and communication. Now is not the time to be immature or controlling.

    The risk of getting hurt is what we all leverage our feelings against in a relationship, that's part of the risk and part of the reward, when you lay it all on the line, when someone means everything to you you risk getting hurt, when they feel the same then what you get out of the relationship is amazing.

    I'm not going to say don't pop the question or do, I asked my wife to marry me after "dating" for ~2 months because I was sure and I knew. 6 years on I can tell you that we were very immature when we got married, we didn't know shit but I wouldn't trade it for anything, she's always been there for me and vice versa, she inspires me to be a better man each and every day.

    There will always be ups and downs, develop a framework for how you want to fight and resolve arguments, that's the best advise I can give.
     
  15. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    Do you REALLY want to give a low quality woman a second chance?
     
  16. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I play wow, its a lot of fun. I agree that there is prob something special that she found about him, or that he was giving her that she wasn't feeling from you. This happens to a lot more people than you would probably think. A lot of people form close relationships without even seeing the other person, and a lot of times without even talking to them. A lot of people are good talkers, or they can figure out what a person wants, and cater to them. It's happened to me before.

    Did the guy realize that you two were together?

    And how is she a low quality woman, just for playing a computer game? Or letting herself get sucked into some random dude?
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    .

    Just because you've known her for 5 years doesn't necessarily mean you know her. You truly get to know someone when you are dating/together and right now within 9 months she's showing her commitment.
     
  18. Saluki

    Saluki New Member

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    From what I read it almost seems like a little crush type of thing...if I was in your situation I wouldn't worry about it too much. Took some ovaries on her part to tell you the truth about it...she seems like a keeper to me.
     
  19. FurY

    FurY Fortune favors the bold... OT Supporter

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    Thanks everyone for the comments... really good opinions and advice here. At this point I'm going to support her and the fact that she wants to see someone. She was honest with me and she really is a great person. I do believe her when she says she didn't mean for it to happen. She also told me what happend right after it did.

    I do think it would be naive for me to say it couldn't or wouldn't ever happen to her or myself... as people have said we are human. I do respect the fact that she came to me right away with it and she genuinely felt terrible about it. She could've easily not said a word about it and gone on with the relationship and I probably wouldn't have known.

    Again, thanks for the insight and advice... I'm going to try and help work things out on my end and her end to move forward. As some have said, this is probably made into a bigger deal than it really is... just had me a bit concerned.
     
  20. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    you can also use it to get even closer with her. in a relationship, a little crisis sometimes can be a good thing.

    good luck, but I doubt you'll need it. she sounds like a keeper and you sound like you have a decent outlook on things.
     
  21. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Marriage? You're out of your mind if you think marriage is even on the table. I agree with the Bomber here. :o
     
  22. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    some of these responses are :ugh::rofl:
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :ugh:
     
  24. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    he meant see a therapist/counselor
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Oh :rofl: Thank god.
     

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