SRS Is what I said really insulting?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by verbal, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    Some of you may remember some of my posts in here regarding my ex. Quick backstory, my ex and I have been apart for over a year now. We have a daughter who is almost three years old. I get her every Tuesday night and weekends. My ex works three nights a week (Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays), about 20 hours a week max but most of the time it's less cause she gets cut before closing. She is takes care of her daughter all other days, takes her to school and her appointments. She is currently receiving child support from me, food support from the state because she's a single mother, and a disabiltiy check from the state because our daughter is considered disabled. She is an excellent mother aside from her perception of reality and attitude at times.

    Sunday comes around and I usually drop her off at 7pm. Sundays are my ex's time to herself since she usually doesn't get much time for herself. She calls me shortly before I'm supposed to drop our daughter off and tells me she's too drunk to take care of her and asks if she could stay with me for the night and asks me for a ride home. I say sure and I ask my dad to watch her so I can drive her home.

    I get to the bar and she's sitting with some coworkers (she works at this bar) and asks if I want a drink. I order something and we're all talking. Fast forward about an hour and we're drinking and talking with one of her coworkers and a manager. The manager is talking to someone else and she's talking to the coworker about his schedule. She says "I wish I got paid to be a mom." This kinda bothered me. In a very neutral tone, no attitude, I say "You do get paid to be a mom. Child support, stuff from the state..."

    This instantly pissed her off. She told me that I insulted her in front of her coworker and manager. I don't even think I said it loud enough for them to hear, I said it directly to her. She didn't talk to me for an hour except to throw what I said in my face. She called someone else to drive her home. The rest of the night consisted of her telling me how I broke her heart and insulted her, and she said some extremely insulting things to me that are the worst things she could possibly say. I told her that I was sorry that she took what I said as insulting but I didn't mean it that way. And if she was insulted by the fact that she gets the support she gets so she doesn't have to work 40+ hours a week like most single moms do, then that's an issue she has with herself.

    This argument is still going now. I thought she was just freaking out because she was drunk, but she's still mad now. She's telling me that I'm not her friend and that I don't respect her. I've asked her to explain where she gets that I don't respect her but she won't. Or maybe she can't.

    Was what I said really insulting? I totally understand that I shouldn't have said it in front of her coworker but I think I said it quiet enough for them to not hear. I'd love to be in her position. I'd be more that happy that I could spend all that time with my daughter. And if she has self esteem issues with where she's at in life, she has to do something about that. It isn't my fault.

    In for opinions.
     
  2. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    The truth hurts. :rolleyes:
     
  3. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    Exactly how I feel. She can't seem to handle the truth. Most of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is complete bullshit and unfortunatly everyone she talks to kisses her ass, always smiling and nodding to her.

    I'm not going to kiss her ass anymore. If she doesn't like the truth, then do something about it.
     
  4. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Perhaps there are unresolved divorce/relationship issues behind her reaction. Why did you get divorced?
     
  5. jim1234664

    jim1234664 New Member

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    maybe it wasnt the best thing to say but w/e its true
     
  6. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    Yeah, bringing up personal finance related information into a conversation isn't really a good thing to do. While reading your story, it felt like you brought it up with the intention of being mean spirited, or being a smart ass.

    You have apologized though, and you should explain that you can't take it back. She either has to forgive you or keep acting childish, and complicating things.

    Having a forever relationship with an ex b/c of children sucks. I feel your pain.
     
  7. wayno

    wayno New Member

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    It sounds like you weren't saying anything that wasn't the truth, but the venue wasn't appropriate. Hanging on to the anger is an overreaction on her part.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    What you said was true.
    What you said also wasn't overly courteous and nice, either.

    She did over-react, most likely because of other issues between you and her.
    Much anger and shame and embarrassment and resentment between you two.

    This little gem just set things off. The comment, by itself, wasn't great, but wasn't that bad either.

    But realise there is a huge gulf between you guys.


    The comment...didn't start anything....it's just helping point out the bad feelings that were already simmering under the surface.
     
  9. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I agree with the under the surface comment. We have been doing well this past month though. Closest and most civil we've been since the break up and I've been trying very hard to get there for our daughter's sake. It sucks that my one comment ruined it all but I should've known. This is the third time this has happened-- things would be good between us, then she'll just filp and give me reasons that didn't really make much sense.

    She came to me the third time and asked me why were weren't friends and I explained it to her in the nicest possible way-- that I don't like being used and the fall back person when you want someone in your life. She didn't like that but somehow I ended up trying again. Shame on me.

    Nite_lily, we were never married. We were together for 3.5 years. There would be times where I'd do something she didn't like (nothing horrible, I've never cheated or even thought about it) and she'd break up with me. I'd always be the one to try to fix it and work on the relationship. She has a hard time saying sorry for anything. The last time she ended it I just stopped caring about trying to keep it going. You can only try so hard without the other person trying back. Just couldn't do it anymore.

    I understand the comment wasn't in the best venue and I didn't say it to start any shit. And I didn't really think about being mean spirited. She has no problems ridiculing me or making bullshit claims about me in front of other people. So it just bothered me when she said she wish she got paid to be a mom when she does. I didn't think it would be a big deal to say in front of people because people know whether she thinks they do or not. I realize now it should've been something I said to her privately. But I feel that even then she would've been insulted. :dunno:
     
  10. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Who cares? You're wasting too much time caring about her and trying to be her friend. All you need to do for your daughter is get along and not trash talk each other to the kid. Being friends isn't necessary and with all the drama you guys have had, it's probably not a good idea.
     
  11. johan

    johan Active Member

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    . this is the correct approach.

    Just be civil, for the sake of the kid, and don't get involved in her...details.
     
  12. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    That's the problem-- we can't stay civil. She always has some kind of issue. And if I don't accomodate she starts shit. Unfortunately she has no problems with using our daughter against me-- giving me less time with her, etc.

    We've had arguments in the past where she just tells me to sign over her rights and get out of my daughter's life so I don't have to pay child support. I find it kind of messed up that she'd rather her daughter not have a father so she doesn't get child support over just stopping the child support. :dunno:
     
  13. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i dont think you said anything wrong, and i probably would have made the same comment had i been you in the situation.

    but, making that comment doesnt help the situation at all, so you need to change the situation. it was nice of you to agree to take your daughter for a 3rd night and to agree to drive your ex home, but where you probably went wrong was getting a drink and hanging out at the bar with her for a few hours. you guys tried, it didnt work out and you just know that no good can come from something like that. in the furture, avoid situations like that if you possibly can. if you need to get along for your daugther and you know being alone and face to face with your ex can lead to situations like this, just avoid avoid avoid
     
  14. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    Honestly her comment that she wished she got paid to be a mom, well that pisses me off to no end. I'm not even you and that irritates you. To say it in front of all her coworkers makes me think that she's trying to say your a loser or some sort. If she flipped out I would have told her to find another ride home because your not dealing with her shit.
     
  15. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    The reason why your ex went so overboard, is because she knows it's true and she's ashamed of herself.
     
  16. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    Here I'll say it.

    It was a real dick thing to say. You made her feel bad and yourself out to be an ass.

    You owe her an apology.

    Other people can sugarcoat it any way they want. Then can try to make you feel better by analyzing it, but in the end it is what it is.

    And IT was a dick thing to say.
     
  17. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest


    Do well in relationships, do you? :rofl:
     
  18. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    who cares if you broke her heart or insulted her. She's your ex, not your current. Tell her to suck it up if she doesn't like hearing other people's opinions that don't agree with hers.
     
  19. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    So minimize contact between the two of you. Pick up your daughter and drop her off. Don't talk to the ex
     
  20. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    Never lost a fight, but I am single lol. Not my fault I was always right.
     
  21. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    That would be wreckless considering she is the primary custodial parent and appears to threaten his visitation.

    Just keep the peace.
     
  22. weezyfbaby

    weezyfbaby New Member

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    verbal,
    seems like a dick thing to say even though I 100% agree with it you have to consider the circumstances and how you made her look like a freeloader in front of some coworkers. She obviously knows its true and that's why she is so angry.

    But I think you know exactly that so..... yeah
     
  23. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    Sorry, she can't reduce his visitation simply because she didn't like his opinion
     
  24. Mettle8

    Mettle8 Blah.....

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    Some people do that. The situation they created for themselves becomes so overwhelming. And they dont have the propper tools to avoid it. So they tend to go with it. And it progressively gets worse.

    So "Verbal" Do Not Kiss Ass. It will only hurt more....
     
  25. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    Unfortunately, she can. She has no problems using our daughter against me. She's already threatened to pick her up earlier this Sunday when she knows we're having a Super Bowl party with family over that don't get to see her that often.

    Court always sides with the mother unless I can prove she's an unfit mother. We have court ordered time setup but she could just decide to change that anytime she wants outside of court and they couldn't do anything to force her to follow it. I've heard stories of guys going to pick up their kids and the mother pretending to not be home.

    It's sad.
     

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