Is this reasonable?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by MVPKC, Jun 14, 2007.

  1. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    So a little background--my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months now, but we are working at different sides of the state for the summer (about 1 1/2 more months). She's working at Dow Chemical and is having a good time. She works with some fairly young people who I've met and they all seem pretty cool.

    So heres the thing, we had originally planned on seeing eachother every weekend, but now she is doing a lot of things with her friends up there. So we talked about it and basically she said that she doesn't want to miss out on this opportunity for the summer, but at the same time doesn't want to lose me. She was really serious and said, "I love you so much and can actually see myself marrying you in the future, but for now I kind of want to be less serious and not have to think that I have to call you all the time and stuff like that."

    Now personally, I wouldn't mind talking to her everyday and seeing her every weekend, but I can respect her point of view. She said shes not looking to find another guy at all and would never cheat on me or do anything to ruin our relationship (and if I did, she would cut my dick off), but I guess she just wants to keep things relaxed over the summer and be back to normal when we get back to school.

    I can understand, but I just want some opinions on this... PS... I am 22 and she is 21.
     
  2. Alphaeus

    Alphaeus New Member

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    I'm 22 also, and my girlfriend is currently living and working in Chicago, while I'm staying in Wisconsin. I'll admit I'm a somewhat paranoid and passive-aggressive when it comes to things like this, and I'm kinda waiting for that sort of conversation to come up between us. I could be completely paranoid, also, however. A difference is we've been dating for a couple months shy of 2 years.

    As for the cheating, nobody ever believes they're going to cheat on their boyfriend or girlfriend until they actually do it. Nobody likes cheaters, so naturally nobody wants to think of themselves as a cheater. But once they become a cheater they justify it as if they were right.

    My advice would be to try to get her to introduce you to her new friends, and see how she responds. If she is reluctant, then I would be suspicious, and ask her just how "less serious" she wants to be.
     
  3. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    she may not want to lose you, but sounds like shes willing to risk it.

    It's your call man. I can see her point of view, but on the other hand I can see a lot of reasons I might not be ok with it.
     
  4. nygiantplaya

    nygiantplaya I

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    sounds like she wants to be less serious so she can mess around with other guys right now and then come back to you after the summers over...
     
  5. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    :rofl: I love how OT automatically jumps to she is cheating on you or wants to cheat on you.

    If you had a new social life and social circle, would you want to constantly miss out on stuff just to call/visit her? I'm sure if there was a raging party this weekend to go to with all of your new friends (if you were in her shoes) you would want to go instead of going to see her.

    The reason LDR don't work out is because people A. are overly paranoid and that gets in the way and the relationship goes down the drain. B. Plenty of people do cheat and the relationship goes down the drain.

    She said she isn't looking for another guy, just wants to enjoy where she is this summer. If you trust her 100% then I wouldn't sweat it, not all girls go sleeping with new people the second they get a chance (despite what OT says).

    I'd keep up the phone contact though, and still try to fit a weekend in here and there. But seeing each other every weekend (even if she wanted to) sounds expensive, hard to do, and a waste of time.
     
  6. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    The best thing for her would be to have her fun and you not find out about it (because you are physically separated), while convincing you to remain faithful to her at the same time.

    Forget for a moment that she is your girlfriend.

    At this time, she has low interest in you.
     
  7. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    I agree, every weekend is too much.

    But they've gone from agreeing to see each other that often, to not seeing each other AT ALL.

    Something's fishy.
     
  8. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    I must have missed the AT ALL part. If she wants nothing to do with you for the summer, yeah I'd take that personally. That actually changes what I said above.

    Although I'm still not going to pull a typical OT move and insist she is cheating on you. But tell her if that's how she wants it fine, but let her know clearly that you aren't going to be sitting around waiting for her. You are going to have a blast this summer without her. And to call you when she gets back to see if you are at all interested in picking up where it left off (even if you are willing to wait around, and still do want to pick it up where you left off - just don't let he know that)
     
  9. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    OK a few things... I'm almost positive she won't cheat on me. Firstly, because 1) She's a virgin 2) Even when she was single, she wouldn't just go make out with someone randomly.

    She still emails me everyday and calls me about every other day... At this point, I'm letting her contact me first, which she has... Oh and we have seen eachother over the summer. I went to her place a couple times and she's visited me a couple, just not every weekend.

    I can understand her view, because she may not have an opportunity like this again to be with a lot of cool, young people and just have a good time. The way she put it is that she won't let this opportunity ruin our relationship, but she also can't be talking to me 24/7. I mean would you wanna be the guy having a good time at a party and then have to leave for an hour and talk to your GF? Maybe I'm just playing devils advocate.
     
  10. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    "You two are DATING for God's sakes. She should be able to give you a LITTLE time, or rather make a LITTLE time for you. In fact, if she can see herself marrying you, then she should WANT to be with you as much as possible."

    To address this and to be fair, she is 21... I think it might be scary for someone to love someone so much and still feel young and want to live it up. We were with eachother alllll the time at school, so I can see how she might just want to make new friends for herself and spend time with them, because she most likely will never see these people again as they are all out of state.
     
  11. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    :rofl: Ok, disregard my above post, and read my first post then. It is totaly understandable that she doesn't want to be attached at the hip when there is such a huge distance.
     
  12. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    I'm hoping I'm doing the right thing. Its VERY hard for me to do, but if I say, no you can't do this, you have to talk to me every day, etc. it's probably gonna backfire, right? She'll think I'm controlling, which I guess I would be, and come to not like me. She said she still wants to date me and doesn't want to break up, but just be less serious over the summer, but if I were to ever cheat on her, like I said above she would, "cut my balls off."

    Hmmm, sucks because I'm totally devoted to her and totally against cheating. However, if she ever did that would be the end of it, no questions asked, it would be done. Its just a tough situation for me, but if I let her do her thing, but still be the great, nice, cool guy that I am... I think it will work out for the best? Or am I just being completely naive?
     
  13. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    Another thing (sorry about all the posts and thanks for the replies guys), is that she tells me most everything that she does. I mean I guess I don't REALLY know if its everything, but in a previous weekend, she was hanging out w/ a bunch of people at a party. This guy kept on hitting on her and basically was like, "Hey wanna come back to my apartment?" So she said she knew what he was trying to do and just stayed w/ her friends at the apartment... so these kind of things make me trust her you know?
     
  14. Jackie Treehorn

    Jackie Treehorn Active Member

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    I remember when I was younger and had this sort of energy to put into a LDR. :o It's probably better for both of you, at this point in your lives, to be available to other things. I tend to agree with what Viper initially said.
     
  15. Been there done that, let her have her space, she's just trying to explore life without you, to see if it is the same as if you are there. More or less testing the strength of your relationship, in her eyes. As Viper said, let her have her fun, don't crowd her, but enjoy living yours and don't sit by the phone waiting for a call.

    I don't want to say she's cheating but the way you portray it seems that way or seems like she wants to, based on what you wrote.

    BTW, she's 21, she's not sure she wants to be married to you, so give her, her room and let her have her fun. It's natural to want such a thing at that age, especially if you are conjoined at the hip at school.

    If it's not clear I am suggesting a break.
     
  16. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    I agree with you. she sounds like a good girl and a trustworthy one. The issue here is that you guys are young and do you really want to force the issue. She is loyal and commited, but it does not sound like she is that emotionally into you.

    your choice is not to say yes or no, your choice is to stick it out with a girl who is not as interested in you as you are in her.

    just to clear this up: you cannot really say no. you might as well hang up the towell and break it off. This is one of those times when you decide if you want to let the leash out, let her live a little, and see if she comes back to you. Just make sure you take care of yourself. Don't invest more into her then she is investing into you.
     
  17. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    I would normally agree with you, but its hard because she was SO into me during school, like we did a lot of things together. She says she is still in love with me and says so just about everyday. She just wants to have her fun, isn't looking for another guy, but doesn't want to break up with me. She's very trustworthy of me too and always has been. She's like you know you can flirt with girls, have your fun and everything, just as long as you're coming back to me and never cheat on me... which is fine, right?

    I can see two things coming out of this... 1) She has her fun, has a good time with the situation that shes in, we get back to school, she still loves me, and everything is cool, or 2) She realizes she is ok without me and just wants to have her fun without me.

    Either way I guess its up to her. I'm not gonna say you can or can't do this. I'm just gonna be me and if she still likes it, then good, but if not oh well. I know I love her, I know she loves me... we'll see how things go.
     

  18. Do not trust her. (98.87% of all women will act like filthy whores if they think they can get away with it). Seriously, I'd show her a lot less attention and start eyeing up some local girls.
     

  19. Exactly.
     
  20. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    Why bother dating anyone then if they're just going to lie all the time and act like a whore?
     
  21. My only other option is to date men, and that doesn't sound like fun to me.
     
  22. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    The truth is, I've met a lot of good women --a lot that wouldn't cheat on their SO. Are they going to be completely straight laced and just not talk to other guys just because they're worried what they're boyfriend will think? No. I wouldn't expect them to. I don't think a little flirting between people, even if in a relationship, is wrong at all--in fact its probably healthy, as LONG AS it doesn't go any further than that.
     
  23. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    I agree with you somewhat. Which is why I'm doing my best to continue to be the best guy that I can when I talk to her, not the "Jealous, controlling type guy" who is always pissed off about something when I talk to her on the phone. This, imo, is crucial in semi long distance because is she gonna remember me as the pain in the ass who's always worried about something, or the great guy that I miss and love?

    I could be totally wrong and just a jackass, but this is the way I'm thinking right now... Also, don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna change my core values just to avoid fights, but I will pick my battles and not fight about every little thing.
     
  24. MVPKC

    MVPKC New Member

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    Yeah dude I know what you're saying and I think you're probably misunderstanding how I'm going about this... I'm not sitting around waiting for her to call... I'm not sitting at home and saying God I miss her, woe is me. I'm going out too, I'm having my fun--my summer isn't getting ruined. She is the one calling me and emailing me. I respond, sure, but for the last week, she has initiated it.
     
  25. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    I hate to say it, because i don't want to. I believe women are good and loyal. I trust women. But viper is exactly dead on 100% correct. A women who is not having her needs met emotionally is.... often not equiped with the fortitude to ignore what she feels vs what she knows.

    She knows she is loyal, she knows she has a boyfriend, she knows she doesnt want to cheat.

    She feels like this other person is giving her what she needs and you are not. She feels good when this other person gives her what she needs. She feels attracted to this person because of this, and she cant help that.

    Women are very comfortable relying on emotion and ignoring or rationalizing away logic.

    excellent post man. I'm reluctant to agree because i don't want come to the obvious negative conclusions, but but you are just spelling out what i already knew.

    edit: :bowdown: if you arn't going to save that to post in the future, let me know and ill do it.
     

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