MIL is this motivational statement any good?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jehan60188, Jul 11, 2009.

  1. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    the whole thing is pretty "laundry list" so i added the last paragraph to jazz it up
    is this what they're looking for?
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2009
  2. Mr. Monopoly

    Mr. Monopoly OT Supporter

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    I'd say the beginning was a good summary, but the last part sounds a bit cliche. :hs:
     
  3. willijdub

    willijdub New Member

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    i saw what you did there.:rolleyes:

    He will be the bane of tyrants. He will occupy the nightmares of pirates, smugglers, and anyone else who threatens freedom on the oceans.
    literally lolled.
     
  4. jeffreyliu838

    jeffreyliu838 New Member

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    I'm laughing really hard at the last 2 sentences. Really hard.
     
  5. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    i gather i should avoid the "inspirational, but empty" conclusion?
    what would be better?
     
  6. jmx2323

    jmx2323 OT Supporter

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    the last sentence should turn them off completly
     
  7. Off

    Off Memento Mori

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    Last three sentences are lol and will make you look like a douchecannon. Find a balance between confidence and arrogance. ''Through sheer determination <name> will strive to accomplish all tasks given to him by his superiors etc... <random example>'' shows confidence and respect for the chain of command, but subtly.

    I realize its probably just a draft but check over your writing, it seems really disconnected because you probably spent a bunch of time thinking about one sentence, wrote it, then thought about the next etc. Make sure it flows naturally. Plus the spelling and usage (... are as follow; etc ).

    Dont mean to be anal but one of the first things you'll learn is the importance of the little things :o
     
  8. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    updated statement, I really appreciate the tips
    i made more compound sentences, and took out the hoakey parts of the closing paragraph

     
  9. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    *whoosh*

    that's the sound of your post going over my head
     
  10. TwistedMind

    TwistedMind New Member

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    I have a question.

    Instead of writing what you think they want to hear, how about you write the truth?

    Why do you want to be an officer?

    They read this shit everyday in and out, nothing you can put into words will blow sunshine up their skirts. Speak plainly and truthfully and I believe you will have a better opportunity of acceptance.

    That whole thing sounds fake to me. It would be relegated to the maybe if we can't find someone unique pile if I was on the selection board.

    Sorry for being harsh, My comments are probably unfounded because I am not in the military.

    I just enjoy keeping tabs on the day to day of our soldiers and Love reading some of the fubar shit you guys get into.
     
  11. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    harsh is just synonym for (tactlessly) to the point. i have taken no umbrage.
    why do you think it sounds like i'm writing what i think they want to read?

    i definitely tried to speak plainly. i suppose it's my lack of specifics that make this seem a bit fake?
    i really do want to distinguish myself in the eyes of my superiors (in order to one day command a ship of my own)
    the foreign threats i find most pertinent are those of north korea, and china; should i state those specifics? i avoided those because i don't want to volunteer any information unless it's asked for.
     
  12. Mr. Monopoly

    Mr. Monopoly OT Supporter

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    Hold up. This is for an officer application? I thought this was a school assignment. Care to give us a look at what you're summarizing? If this is an app, a MAJOR rewrite is in order.
     
  13. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    lol, that's encouraging.

    summary:

    24 years old
    4 year degree from Purdue (b.s. in math), with a 2.9
    2 years in the geophysics industry
    and a strong desire to one day captain my own ship

    i left my friends/family 1000 miles behind when i graduated, and hate the fact that i did that for an unsatisfying career. i want to do something worth while, and i feel the world is at a turning point.
    i've been trying to get in shape for a few months, but said screw it after north korea tested launched those missiles on the 4th. i want in, so i can help mitigate the threat that i consider to be very real.

    is my statement not in the right "spirit" of what a motivational statement should be? is it written at too low of a reading level?
     
  14. Mr. Monopoly

    Mr. Monopoly OT Supporter

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    I'm not familiar with the Navy OCS app, but I just did my AF app. What do you mean when you say you're trying to create a motivational statement? Is it like a personal statement, or a summary of something you read? The top makes it seem like you were summarizing a book rather than trying to motivate. Care to share the question/prompt you have to write on?

    Edit. I think I got it after rereading your post a few times. You're trying to do what the AF calls a personal statement on their app. Why are you referring to yourself as the author? It makes you sound like you're summarizing something rather than speaking on yourself. Personal pronouns would make it sound much better. Also, like everyone else has said, make it sound more personal to you. It seems like you're putting an old Uncle Sam Wants You poster into text form. Mention your goals, mention a bit of your past, but not too much. Remember, you've mentioned all your job accolades and other school info on your app earlier. Unless you want to defend or highlight an awesome point, focus on translating your previous experience into actions that could be utilized by the military. Mention how your previous leadership has prepared you to lead larger groups, and how your ability to think on your ability to think on your feet... etc. PM me if you like and I'll help you as much as I can.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2009
  15. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    ok, I rewrote it with more of a personal touch.
    is this more like what they're looking for?
     
  16. Mr. Monopoly

    Mr. Monopoly OT Supporter

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    I couldn't say that it was what they're looking for directly, but it sounds a lot better than the first rounds. The first part is still a little recruiting poster like though. I'd drop the first sentence completely. It sounds somewhat suicidial. From there, I'd go with a sentence that said something to the effect of while your civilian life has challenged you, you are ready for the next step in those challenges. Your research and heart has told you that those challenges lie with the US Navy. Then you can go into your interest in the Navy's technology, but I'd leave out too many examples. You're talking about you here, not them. Something close to that you've seen challenges like... _____ your favorite navy thing here, and you know those are the challenges that would push you. Mention that one day, you know that you will be ready to face and meet similar challenges with the training you will receive combined with your ____ favorite adjective here attitude. Move your leadership experience here, but DON'T minimalize it. Don't make it sound like you were the President, but you want them to see the logical progression of your civilian leadership that could be molded to military leadership. Then I'd end with your I am ready to push myself further statement with the addition that you know that the Navy would be the best place for you to do it.
     
  17. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    holy cow, i didn't even think about it sounding suicidal. i wanted to go with the "i want a life full of stories" angle not the "if i dont get this, i'm going to off myself" angle!
    thanks for the tips, i'll take another stab at it in a few!
     
  18. I've heard stories that the Navy looks at the GPA pretty seriously, if not for Joe Schmoe off the street, certainly for the enlisted trying to become officers. 2.9, from what I've heard, does not cut it.

    Can't hurt to try, though.
     
  19. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    the first part of my latest draft.
     
  20. brackac

    brackac Fuck all of this. OT Supporter

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    :ugh:

    99% of people will remember nothing from that but the word racism and the statement "I have failed to think of an event in my life that makes me stand out".
     
  21. Off

    Off Memento Mori

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    you're trying too hard :o
     
  22. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    *facepalm*
    that's the exact opposite effect of what I wanted
     
  23. brackac

    brackac Fuck all of this. OT Supporter

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    Coming from one of the people who has written a statement for a officer packet, let me suggest you stick with what makes you happy, and your accomplishments. No matter how trivial they are, if you take pride in them, then write about that. Do not go off on a tangent about what has molded you as a man, or how you escaped the fire and brimstone without a single burn. Write it from the viewpoint of your best friend describing what makes you a great friend and a great person.
     
  24. jehan60188

    jehan60188 New Member

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    i really appreciate all the pointers/tips. I think these three paragraphs embody what it is that I want
    the first sentence/paragraph isn't fancy, or inspirational; but it's true. it's honest, and from the heart. it's not cheesy, or over done.
    and i managed to write the whole thing without using the word "challenge!"
     
  25. Mr. Monopoly

    Mr. Monopoly OT Supporter

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    The last one sounds just about right. The one before that goes back to sounding a tick suicidal. Stick with the last one, but work on the flow of your words and your grammar. The second paragraph has the right wording, but it seems forced together. Don't make it sound like you're reading a list. Last paragraph is decent but make sure your grammar is right.
     

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