FRK Is this how people come to open relationships ?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Lazy D., Jun 27, 2009.

  1. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    Why is it when my gf/wife has sex with someone else it bothers me ? It's her life, she can do whatever she wants. Who am I to decide she can only have sex with me ? I have no right to control her life. And what's with the childish hurt I feel if she does otherwise ? She doesn't make me feel this way, I choose to do so. No one or nothing can control my feelings (unless I let them/it) except for me.

    wouldn't this world be a better place if we somehow got rid of

    sense of ownership
    pride
    selfishness

    No one owes us anything, relationships are based on free will, so why should we create rules and then feel pain when they are broken...
     
  2. sparklwazngurly

    sparklwazngurly New Member

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    My stance on (open) relationships is this. Cheating is inherently dishonest. If you negotiate things then it is not cheating. If we are in a relationship and you want to sleep or play with others, please do, just discuss it with me before hand, or do so within limits we have established. In the end the most important thing is who you go home to.

    I tend to be more pragmatic than anyone else. But this is exactly how I feel about relationships period. Of course, being pragmatic, it's not for everyone. It requires a sense of security with yourself. The more blunt aspect of the pragmatic view on this goes back to the "It's who you go home to that is important" claim. If your partner comes back to you, not out of obligation and responsibility, but genuine love, then the extramarital sex is just that, sex. Respectively, if the partner does not return or does so solely for obligation/responsibility, then your relationship is faulty anyways. Address the holes/issues/shortcomings (doesn't mean they are yours, more than possible it is all them) and see if you still share enough to remain together.

    I'm sorry if this is abrupt, and I certainly don't intend to offend. But the Title of the thread I think is addressed here.
     
  3. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    I didn't find anything offensive.

    My first post is the thoughts I've been going through lately. I was just wondering is this how people come to it ? Is this where I am heading ? Logically I might be there, but I am not sure if I can overpower with logic what I've been conditioned to feel.
     
  4. sparklwazngurly

    sparklwazngurly New Member

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    Perhaps you may not be able to do that. For me, Logic and Pragmatism ARE my coping mechanisms, without which, I would have long ago crumpled under the weight of ongoings in my life.

    I do wish you godspeed in your efforts to figure things out. There are many of open relationship participants here that can offer different views of the matter. You have mine, hope it provides some place for thinking of options.
     
  5. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    good stuff :bigthumb:

    I know different people have different rules and so on. I am more interested in how they got there. What was the thought process, change of mentality, etc...
     
  6. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    My g/f and I are moving to an open relationship.

    I'm moving to Tx for grad school for a year and a half in an area with no opportunity for her. We both want to make sure the other is getting their needs met while we're apart.
     
  7. MarshyTheKid

    MarshyTheKid New Member

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    To me an open relationship should only be approached if you both are very serious, your relationship is very solid, neither of you are the jealous type, and you are still around each other.
    Thats just me though. When I hear what you're saying, that you are hurt by her having sex with other people, I don't think an open relationship will work for you. It may, but it just seems like its going to fall apart. To me I'm not expecting ownership in a relationship. I am expecting respect and part of that respect is to follow what we both agree upon.
     
  8. NUDES

    NUDES New Member

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    I've seen them work and I've seen them fail, and when they fail they fail hard.

    Swing scenes have lots of couples that are in open relationships (obviously) that happen to swing together too. I've seen some people crash and burn and some of the worst breakups I've seen come from them. But I've also seen some awesome relationships that do fine in an open relationship.

    In general, I don't think many people will do well with one. It requires ultimate security in yourself, which most people do NOT have despite what they claim. I've known people who are so so so sure they're ready for it then break up literally a month later after a 5+ year relationship. Maybe their relationship was fucked to begin with.. who knows

    One big things with open relationships is that it's extremely hard to "try it out" and then go back if both don't like it. It very rarely works out that way. if someone doesn't like it I've rarely known of couples that try it and go back to a "normal" relationship with no issue.
     
  9. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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  10. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Here goes.....

    Didn't really think about it before hand, we just kind of evolved in the relationship we had with the other couple(we are a comitted 4some, if you were not aware). We broke the cardinal rule of talking things out before hand but for us, it worked out fine. We set our rules after we decided to swap.

    It works for us because the BF & I are adventurous where as the GF & hubby are more vanilla. The BF will do things that the hubby is unwilling to try.
    At first, I had some minor issues but worked through them. We have had a few major issues but have talked our way through those too.

    I have to say that sex at home is better now than before we started sharing. We seem to put more effort & attention into our primary relationship.

    Hope this helps
     

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