SRS Is this even worth bringing up?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jmezz, Aug 8, 2006.

  1. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    I'm seeing a girl, she's 25 I'm 21. It's not that serious, but we both agreed that we would concentrate on only each other right now, meaning that we won't see or hook up with other people.

    Anyway yesterday she said she was going to another state to visit a friend of hers. She tells me it's a guy friend of hers but he has a gf, and I told her I didn't mind and to have fun and be safe.

    So today on myspace I find a comment from him on her page and I decided to check out his page and there is no sign of a gf. There's no gf in his top 8, no gf leaves him comments, and it says he's single.

    She has a history of dating around and she does her fair share of hooking up, but not since we've been seeing each other.

    Should I even confront her about it or just let it blow over? If I should bring it up, how should I say it to her?
     
  2. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'd bring it up, following the all cards on the table principle of good relationships.
     
  3. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    See the thing is, when we first started seeing each other I told her that I don't care if she wants to see other people while seeing me, I just wanted her to tell me so I could do the same and things would be fair. But she said she would rather concentrate on just us and I agreed.

    The only thing that makes me second guess is how she was before I met her.

    I mean what is the likelyhood that she goes to visit her friend and does nothing more than hang out?

    From my own experiences, if a girl friend of mine is coming from out of state to visit it's likely not going to be strictly hangin out.

    Maybe it's more common than I think and I'm over reacting?
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    you shouldn't have to be guessing about what she's likely to do ... it's something you should know 100%, and there's nothing wrong with needing to know exactly what the situation is. if you don't know (and it sounds like u don't know) then go ask her. if she knew in advance, that's fucked up and you should talk about why she felt she had to lie; if it turns out that she didn't know he was axlly single, or that his myspace is wrong and he's axlly in a relationship, that's fine. you are confused because of what you see in front of you. whether it turns out that everything's fine or that things are complicated, you should not be insecure or ashamed about the fact that you now need clarification from your gf.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Yes you should bring it up, you caught her in what looks like a lie and she needs to explain herself. You have every right to be upset. However you should deal with it calmly. If she gets pissy on you then end the relationship. If you let crap like this slide you will end up dealing with it later only with more emotion and time invested. Find out what the deal is and in no uncertain terms tell her that if you are exclusive then that means no other guys for her and no girls for you. If she can't handle that then end the relationship.

    Personally, I would never have agreed to my girlfriend travelling to hang out with another guy unless he is a childhood friend and I knew nothing was going on. Plus, I'd have to be invited. It's simply not necessary.
     
  6. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    She's not my girlfriend though. We both know that this isn't serious enough to last for a long time.

    I just don't like the fact that it looks like she is breaking the agreement we made in the beginning. I can't stand being lied to.

    I do think I'm going to bring this up though, but I can't think of a way to bring it up where I don't look like some crazy stalker. I think that's my main problem right now.
     
  7. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Just casually say "so what happened to ________'s GF? I was cruising on mysapce and saw he left a comment on your page and just clicked his page for the hell of it..."
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    "Crazy stalker" ... :hsugh: you should not be insecure or ashamed about the fact that you now need clarification from her, since the situation has been definitely muddied.
     
  9. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Then what's this "agreeing not to see other people" thing? This is getting wierd...
     
  10. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    It's not like we have a set title or anything. We're only dating each other, or that was the agreement anyway. We're not as serious as bf/gf, but we're not just friends. We don't plan on being together for a long time. We're just going with the flow.

    As I think about the situation more it occurs to me that, being a guy, if I had a gf there is no way I would let a girl friend of mine come and stay with me for a couple days, and I'm pretty sure my gf wouldn't want that either.

    I mean it's pretty apparent that something is fishy here. I just don't see why she'd lie when we already talked about it before and I even said it's fine if that's what she wants to do, I just wanted things to be fair.

    Oh well either way if I find out she lied about anything then I'm going to send her on her way because I fucking hate liars.

    You know I thought with her being older and through college and more mature it would make being in a relationship less stressful, but it's like I'm going through high school all over again.
     
  11. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Just because you talked about it before doesn't mean she's going to run to you about it. I agree it's VERY fishy and it needs to be addressed.
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Something's not right. You say that you two have sort of an understanding not to see other people. And you also say that she isn't your girlfriend.

    Have you ever actually said to each other that you two are going to be exclusive?

    Why do you think she's "lying" meaning some kind of implicit falsehood? In her mind this might be either a. very logical or b. lesser of two evils.

    Especially when you also say that you both "know this isn't going to last"?



    Anyways, when this thing does draw toward a close, how would you know? Maybe when she starts to drift away and maybe think about seeing another guy?

    She might even do something like go to another state to visit this potential guy?

    Maybe she might even tell you "oh it's nothing, don't worry" because most girls will choose to spare your feelings and give you a polite little white lie.
    Just maybe....
     
  13. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Yes we have said to each other that we were going to be exclusive and not see other people.

    I'm not sure what you mean by very logical or lesser of two evils?

    And I'm pretty sure we're not at the end of this thing yet because she asked me to go on a trip with her out of state later on in the month. She still acts like she's interested in me too, no red flags coming up.

    But who knows, people change their minds at the drop of a dime.

    I just thought the whole thing was strange after thinking about it. Then I remembered what some people said about her and how she likes to hook up. The 2 and 2 go together good in this situation but I'm going to wait to talk to her in person and see how she responds.
     
  14. johan

    johan Active Member

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    What you see as a "lie" may not seem like a lie to her.

    She may believe that she *technically* is within her rights to do this.

    You yourself say this is not long term, that she is not your girlfriend, and it certainly sounds like you two have not had that deep intimate heart to heart talk where you profess love and committment to each other.

    So...technically, why shouldn't she go on a little...rendezvous with another dude?


    And secondly, despite all that, there is still an implicit bond between even casual lovers. So she might tell you a little white lie to your face, rather than go thru a whole bunch of drama. Esp. when it's early stages with the other guy and nothing might come of it.

    But the days for this thing are very likely numbered. She's shopping around.
    That's reasonably clear from her actions. Not 100%...but it's likely.



    After she returns, you might want to casually ask how her trip went. It is important this conversation be IN PERSON.

    You're looking less at her actual words, but more at her body language. Whether she's uncomfortable, whether she looks you in the eye, whether she appears unconcerned or has a studied nonchalance about her... you get the idea.

    Same deal when a detective interviews a suspect. Some of it is the actual words. Most of it is in the nonverbal.
     

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