I keep wondering if I have depression. I'm making an appointment to see someone on monday so maybe they can help (counseling service at my school) but I'm wondering what the asylum's opinion is. At times I feel like I can do anything, like all I need to do is just keep pushing forward and change what I don't like about myself or my life. Everything seems awesome at this point, I make progress, I enjoy the things I do, and I can think clearly. Then, for seemingly no reason at all, I suddenly just don't care. I'm no longer motivated, feel like it's useless to try changing things, see no point to life, stop enjoying everything, regress, and can't think very clearly. Sometimes this can happen in the same day, sometimes it's weeks between "episodes" and sometimes it's even months. I know people have ups and downs, but this feels unnatural to me especially since there seems to be no real reason behind triggering the down episodes. Just recently, I had a major down episode over winter break (4 weeks for my school) and it's continued into this semester. I really am not motivated at all to do any work most of the time and just sit in my room or drink. I used to be such a motivated person, I'm not that smart so I had to work my ass off in high school to get good grades in hard classes and I just don't have the will or desire anymore. Sometimes I'll get it for a week or two and do really well, then I'll fall down again. I still manged to get a 3.5 last semester but I know I could have done much better if I had the same will and desire as in HS. I used to love just working hard for the satisfaction I get after getting a good grade or breaking a personal record ( I run) but not anymore. I'm also very down and discouraged in the romance department (never kissed a girl, never been on a date) but that's something I'll deal with once I get over this problem. It's so weird, it's like I'm two different people almost. When I'm in the good state I am so motivated and tell myself to just push through but when I'm in the bad state, my thinking and attitude changes so drastically that even if I tell myself to push through, I just don't and that's not me. The scary thing is, I feel like I can't control this. Like I said, I push myself in the bad states but it just doesn't happen. It's like I put up some sort of barrier. EDIT: I also have suicidal thoughts when in the bad state. I never go through with them or even attempt but I still have them. Only thing that keeps me from not doing it is the pain I'd cause my parents and friends. EDIT EDIT: I know many people will tell me to just push through and that I'm just being a lazy ass. Trust me, I think this when I'm in the good states, but in the bad state, it's actually impossible for me to really *get* this. I have no idea how to explain it, but it's like there's some barrier up that won't let me push through.