is there such a thing as "I dont know how to show i care"

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Kev07, Feb 2, 2010.

  1. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    or do you think that simply means "i dont care enough to want to show it"

    my analytical side would go falconer on it and rationalize against it by the thought that "if they cared enough they WILL find a way to show it"

    but then i look back at myself sometimes and 50% of the time, when an SO is going through some shit and needs support, i simply cannot rack my brain for the life of me to support them in a way that makes them feel better (like how girls do it with each other), i can only respond in a logical manner :hs:

    not sure if the same applies to caring though
     
  2. spydur86

    spydur86 New Member

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    I'm the same way you are and I was told with my last gf very often that I didn't seem like I cared. The problem wasn't that I didn't care, it was just that the things she made a big deal about I didn't see as being a problem therefore the only way I could respond to her was in a calm, reasonable manner. Apparently not emulating the same reaction's as another can be taken as "not caring."
     
  3. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    A lot of women complain that men keep wanting to offer solutions and they just want someone to listen.

    I give solutions. I don't understand a lot of the time why someone would complain about something and not try and fix it.

    I think the best way to deal with it is say "What is the best way for me to handle this? I want to help you and I care for you, but I am afraid that if I do what I always do I will upset you and I want to help you. I just want to make it all better and I understand offering solutions may not always be the right way, so what would make you feel better?"

    Sounds a tad dorky, but effective and if they are mature it should work
     
  4. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    i once said to an ex when she was bitchin about something and i got a whole bunch of "that's not helping" etc etc

    and i asked her "what can i do to make you feel better"
    and she said "i dont know"

    and i was stumped :rofl:

    i feel like if someone tells me aobut their problem and i cant help them fix it, and im just listening and saying uh huh, seems like a waste of time no? don't understand what women want to accomplish when they want someone to "just listen" :dunno:

    but the purpose of this thread isnt simply for when women complain, also talking about things like, showing affection, appreciation, going out of their way to do something, etc etc
     
  5. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    repeat after me men

    "That bitch"

    Learn it, and learn it well
     
  6. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    :bowdown:
     
  7. LBFilmGuy

    LBFilmGuy LOL why u mad tho?

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    "I am so sorry to hear that baby...*zip*..."

    BAM fingers in the pussy.

    That will get her mind off things in a hurry.

    [​IMG]
     
  8. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    I think that being positively honest is helpful. I always fall back on the but it could have been worse philosophy or compare to things i've had happen in my life that i got over.

    do you have a heart bro :hug:
     
  9. Toxica

    Toxica New Member

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    Well you shouldn't keep your problems bottled up inside. Sometimes a girl just wants to let out her issues and just have you listen. It's like when people make a post on OT and just say "I just needed to rant." They just want someone to listen as they spill out their problems and get it off their chest.
     
  10. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :werd: Think of it like going to a therapist. You don't go to a therapist to be told what to do. You go to talk shit out and help you process it.
     
  11. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    If you're coming to me to tell me about your problems, I'm going to try to come up with some way to either make you think about it in a different way (or to make you see the other person's side of view since that can often help people rationalize why the issue exists), or I'm going to try to offer solutions.

    The way I see it is, if I'm spending the time and engaging in that sort of conversation it inherently means I was listening to what the person was saying -- I would have to in order to respond with anything at all. That in and of itself says "I care" because if I didn't, I wouldn't have bothered listening and/or putting forth the intellectual effort to come up with a response.
     
  12. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Don't worry about going Falconer on anything because I am here to help you through it :big grin:

    The answer is... your analysis is correct, but only half the time.

    Example #1
    I have had GFs freaking out over something stupid before, and then getting even more pissed because they thought I "didn't care" because I wasn't also throwing a fit of hysterical rage. It wasn't that I "didn't care," it was just that I handle things a bit more maturely most of the time.

    Example #2
    I have also had one GF (psycho ex) who would give me the whole "...sometimes I don't know how to show I care..." line, but the truth is that she was just a stupid whore with daddy issues who was probably day dreaming of fucking her rockstar buddy and therefore not fully focused on whatever issue we were having and therefore not seeming like she gave a shit. But the truth in this case is that she didn't give a shit, she was just pretending like she did because the sex was super hot (I feel so used :mamoru: but what an awesome reason for which to be used :bowdown: I mean compared with like guys who get used for money or whatever)

    So in that first example, it's a case of the woman being nuts. And in the second example, it's also a case of the woman being nuts.

    So the conclusion you can draw from this is that women are nuts.





    Exactly like my example #1 above. :h5:



    Wait, are you just saying that? Or are you seriously one of the coolest women ever? Didn't I just tell you you were wife material in another thread, too (I think it was you who was talking about not going out to expensive ass dinners because you'd rather pay off the mortgage, but you actually meant it rather than those stupid chicks who pretend that they're ok with it but are actually getting all wet over the thought of being with someone who blows money on them 24/7)?

    Yo, Abomb and antihero, what do you think about saying that? Is that effective or is that suppliating and beta? Would the chick be more turned on if you just exhibited your manliness and told her to stfu and stated smashing and/or throwing things?
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Wait, really?

    I thought it was for people who needed help dealing with, and solving, their problems :dunno:

    Damn, I should've been a psychologist. Hundreds of dollars per hour just to listen? :eek3: I assumed the stress level would be high because you'd have to give people correct solutions to remedy their problems :dunno:
     
  14. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I can tell your post is filled with sarcasm, but what I can't tell is if you really don't know what therapy is about.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    The second half was half sarcasm.

    No sarcasm:

    I honestly thought people went to therapy to get workable solutions to their problems. The reason I thought this is because men do it. Men don't want to "just talk," and I can't see a man continuing to go to therapy if he's not getting quantifiable results :dunno:

    I thought it was like:

    (This would be like Cliffs Notes summary over an extended period of sessions: )

    Guy: "I'm having [insert] problem"
    Therapist: "tell me about it..."
    Guy: "A, B, and C"
    Therapist: "A and B are being caused by X."
    Guy: "Oh shit, that makes sense! I need to take care of X!"
    Therapist: "...and C is being caused by Y and Z."
    Guy: "now that you mention it, Z is because of blah blah blah"
    Therapist: "you need to try blah blah blah blah instead"
    Guy: "zomg thanks!"
    Therapist: "np."
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Well there are some therapists with an approach similar to that, but generally speaking that's not what therapy is like. And again there are so many variations that it's hard to speak generally. LP should really be the one describing this stuff. She's studied it in school, I've just been in therapy for years. :rofl:

    In my experience though (and this covers a number of different therapists using different techniques) therapy is more like this:

    Guy: My life is a mess and I don't know why.
    Therapist: What makes you think that?
    Guy: Well I can't keep a woman, I hate my job, and I have no motivation.
    Therapist: Tell me more about the lack of motivation.
    Guy: I don't know. I just never feel like doing anything. I mean I go out to bars with friends all the time, but that's about it.
    Therapist: Do you have trouble sleeping? How is your diet? Were there times you felt like this before? Has anything changed recently to make you feel this way? What was your childhood like? Etc.

    Anyway the point is it's not as simple as "I have X issue. What is the solution?" If it were that simple, you wouldn't need therapy. Think of a person's personality like an iceberg where we only ever really see about 10% (just throwing a random number out) and only truly understand about half of what we see. Therapists guide people to explore the rest. They ask (sometimes pointed) questions and get us to examine ourselves in ways we maybe hadn't before.

    You're probably thinking any introspective person already does that, but therapists go deeper than that. They see our issues from an objective perspective and ask questions that we haven't necessarily asked ourselves (or in many cases simply don't want to). If and when they make suggestions on possible courses of action, they don't say "The answer to your problem is this." They say "There are many possible solutions when working on issues like these. One thing that has worked for some people is this. What do you think about that?" Etc. It's a hugely involved process that is significantly deeper than a simple solution or just listening. It's educated questioning.
     
  17. Aronomy

    Aronomy Get your COME ON!

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    Most therapists don't even give out any advice or offer potential solutions, they just "let you talk". It's bullshit, really. I'd never go to one.
     
  18. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :rolleyes:

    If all you think therapists do is listen you've either never been to one or have been to a shitty one.
     
  19. Mr. November

    Mr. November Guest

    Exactly.

    I've had some shitty ones, but the one I'm working with now is incredibly helpful.
     
  20. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Oh. I figured it was like here where there usually is a simple solution.

    "How do i get my gf to stop cheating on me?"

    "Find a gf who isnt' a whore."

    :rofl:
     
  21. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    When a girl is upset, sometimes all she wants is to be held or hugged while you just listen to her bitch and tell her she is right.

    Sucks when she ISN'T right, but they will get even more pissed and think you are taking whomever's side.
     
  22. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    :kiss:

    I don't have the time to really respond right now but I will when I get the chance I will :h5:
     
  23. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    No OT therapist would say something like that. By OT standards all women are whores, therefore the solution can't be be "Find a GF who isn't a whore" -- it would have to be "Find a GF who is content just being YOUR personal whore."

    :o
     
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Unless she's all "don't hug me, wtf I don't want to be coddled like a baby."

    With women, you can't ever win or do the right thing :bowrofl: :rofl: :o :mamoru: :mamoru2: :ugh2: :rl: :fawk:

    Which is why, seriously, one of the top requirements for a woman should be "the ability to understand intent."

    "You didn't actually make me feel better but you tried so I'm not going to be a raging bitch."

    Otherwise, I mean seriously, 99% of women don't know what they want (this statement is true on all levels at all times, but in this case I mean in a given moment when they are upset), so how the fuck is the dude supposed to? Exactly. He doesn't. But as long as he tries he should get credit.

    It's like, if a chick makes me dinner but she fucks it up I don't really care, because she gets points for actually trying to make me dinner.

    Well when men try to comfort women, which is nearly impossible, women should see that the dude is trying, and get points, because the alternative is "let me know when you're done crying, I'll be in the other room watching football. Oh and bring me a sandwich but don't cry on it; i don't want salty-tears flavored bread."
     
  25. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    ^:werd:

    too bad for the emotionally driven women, they really dont care what you're doing, they just want to feel better and if you fail at that, even if you tried, no bonus points or sometimes they turn their anger on you :ugh:
     

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