SRS Is there any point to my relationship?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Anticipate, Aug 1, 2008.

  1. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    So as I was already beginning to discuss in an unrelated thread of mine, I have recently (last month or so) begun to redate an old ex of mine from college. It's sort of pathetic, as we are both in our late twenties and neither of us is even close to financially stable. It was just this sort of dumb idea that we give dating another shot since we are both still single after all these years, we both hate the social scene, and both have lots of spare time during the day since neither of us have a full time job.
    Honestly I have no romantic feelings for him, and I am not really sure what his feelings toward me are. Our dates are kind of pathetic, they usually involve him taking me to some little bagel place and then sitting and eating on a bench in the park or something like that. On the weekends, he usually brings me to eat lunch with him by his friends apartments. We usually just make small talk, the only real conversation we ever had was about the fact that we are both in therapy.
    Anyway, I am starting to feel like we are lunch buddies, not really anything more. (Although I have never had a serious relationship to compare this against). I am not really even sure if I want anything more with him, considering he only has a part time job and doesn't seem to have prospects of any real job in the future. A friend of mine suggested that I sit down with him and have a serious conversation about his professional goals, and his "plans" on getting a real job and what that would realistically entail. I would like to take her up on this advice, but G-d it would be so much easier if a guy with a real job would just be interested in me. (I went out with a couple of engineers, I feel like of all jobs, that was a huge turn on for me for some reason...in any case, both times the guys said no to me, and in the end I decided that I don't know if I could handle dating an engineer as I would constantly feel stupid).
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Your doing it wrong, you should be looking at improving your own life instead of condemning his. Your in the same situation so how can you say he's a shit person because he didn't achieve in his life to get a wonderfull job, not only that it also makes you look shallow because if he had a good job, then all of a sudden he's good enough for you because you love his money and not him for the person who he is. For that reason alone you don't deserve him, and just shows how shitty and condemning personal views you have. Usually i see people denying this, because they cannot bear facing the ugly side inside of
    themselves.

    Really if you don't love this guy then the whole relationship is meaningless, i guess you two are together just to fill in the gap of lonelyness in your life.

    Here's my advice:

    Start improving your own life by getting a second job. Next its ok if you still see this guy , but not in a condemning way anymore. You either accept and love him for who he is and have him in your life, or reject him and bounce him out. Ask yourself the question do or do i not want to have this person in my life. If you want you can try to stimulate him also in getting a second job in his life, but you need to tone down the selfishness, and not put him like a donkey in front of your cart ,for him to get the things you want out of life.

    Its really important you look at arranging your own life first, i actually say its better to have your own life arranged first before you start a relationship to begin with. Because that way you can provide the means that is necessary to start a future with someone, now its more like both of you aren't ready but are together out of lonelyness. And that's unhealthy.

    So try to steer your own life into a better direction and get a second job in order to obtain financial stability. Second its ok to try to steer him into a better direction by talking to him, but don't pressure him into doing so. Because he needs to make up his own mind on what he wants to do in life.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I don't even see the point of reading past the bold (though I did). Never ever settle for someone just because you are bored and single.
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Stop dating him, or at least stop calling it dating if you have no interest inhim romantically.

    Second, stop with the pity party and being so passive. You rag on him, but like darketernal said, you're in exactly the same situation, so you have no room to talk shit about him.

    Stop waiting for some guy to come to you...go after successful guys. The passiveness is a huge turn off for any decent guy.

    Don't have a full time job? Stop complaining about it and go look for one. I'm in the same boat right now, but I'm actively looking for a job...

    But yeah, basically, stop worrying about him and his situation, and focus on yours.
     
  5. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    I think the point is that I wanted to describe our dates and our relationship a little bit, as I think that a large part of why I don't feel anything romantically for him is because we mostly spend a lot of time going to bagel shops (he has even taken me to supermarkets to buy food on dates, since it is cheaper than a restaurant...which I found to be really tacky), and because of his lack of job situation (yes, even though I am in the same boat, it is still a turn off for me). So why am I with him? Because I feel that we have a lot in common, and because he has also expressed interest in me over the years, even after we stopped going out. For me, this is a big deal, as usually I am the one to express interest in the guy. In fact, it was actually my idea that we start going out again (I am not passive at all about relationships, MattThom, far from it...)
    As for obtaining a full time job for myself, that is very much an issue, but really for a different thread, and it will not change the fact that he needs something full time himself (I am a believer in men being financially supportive to the woman in a serious relationship).
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :ugh: I would think it was the cutest thing ever if my bf said "hey, lets go to the supermarket, pick out some food and we'll cook it! Look at us, we are cooking food together. Maybe that's just me though :dunno: Not only is it different but it's not as forgettable as a possible dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Whoopty doo. And why does he have to take you everywhere? Are you saying "hey, let's go to Carraba's tonight, my treat!" Sounds like you are more just unhappy that he is broke and you look at everything as a negative.

    So what do you have in common? That you are both settling for one another and have no jobs or motivation? Not really great traits to share.

    Stop worrying about him. Worry about yourself. If he is not what you want and desire in a bf (which it's obvious he isn't) stop trying to change him and change who you date.
     
  7. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    Yes, that actually would have been cute if we actually were shopping to cook together. The only things we bought at the supermarket were bagels and salads, so no, we didn't cook together, it was just cheaper at the supermarket than at an actual restaurant.
    You're right, I am unhappy that he's broke. If I had money I would probably offer to pay for a date, but since I don't it's not really an option for me (also I have more expenses than he does, since I live on my own, but he lives with his parents so he has very minimal expenses).
    Nope it's not really, but I do feel that it helps us relate to one another. I have found it difficult to explain my lack of a real job situation to guys with real jobs, and I find them quite intimidating.
    Problem as I mentioned is it's very hard to get dates with guys who make real money, because they usually have lots of girls after them.
     
  8. danceswdevils

    danceswdevils New Member

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    A friend of mine suggested that I sit down with him and have a serious conversation about his professional goals, and his "plans" on getting a real job and what that would realistically entail. I would like to take her up on this advice, but G-d it would be so much easier if a guy with a real job would just be interested in me.

    So if this guy had a decent job and some "prospects", he'd suddenly become more romantically attractive? Nuh uh.

    Have you ever wondered what it would take to make a guy with a "real job" interested in you? Maybe if you had a fulfilling life and full-time job with prospects of your own? You won't get those by wasting your time sitting on park benches with a guy you are clearly not interested in, and wishing for someone better to come along and fall in love with you.
     
  9. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    It doesn't really make any sense logically, but yes, I do find myself to actually be more physically attracted to men with "real" jobs.
    I guess I am hoping that maybe while we are together this guy will find a full time job (he is technically still a student finishing his degree, although he apparently doesn't really have that much left of it, just has to take a few more exams so that he can pass the requirements of the degree) and that will make him more attractive.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Someone else already mentioned it, but do you realize why successful guys with real jobs won't go out with you? It has nothing to do with other prospects...guys like having lots of prospects. Hell, women do too.

    The problem is, you're not prospect worthy. What are you doing to improve your situation? Are you out looking for jobs? Getting more education? Something?

    it's not that a girl without a job is undatable...but a girl without a job who isn't doing anything about it certainly IS UNDATABLE.

    I'm not advocating settling, but if you're unwilling to improve yourself, you're going to have to accept the types of guys you can find.

    You want better guys, you're going to have to improve yourself to get them to consider you.
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Of course it would make him more attractive...he would be able to provide more for you.

    Seriously though, you're giving off major vibes of the "I'll just sit here and wait for someone great to come along" attitude.

    It's not gonna happen. I'm sorry to be harsh, but no decent guy is going to want a girl who reeks of laziness.
     
  12. danceswdevils

    danceswdevils New Member

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    A steady paycheck will only make his paycheck more attractive, not him.
    Look, he could still become totally disabled at any moment. What then? If you vet your serious romantic relationships by that standard, you'll be better off.

    Meanwhile, you'll be better off focusing your attention/energy on what you can do to change your life so that YOU become the most attractive mate to the kind of guy that you'd like to be with. Yes, successful, secure people who are leading exactly the kind of life they want to lead are in hot demand.

    So what can you do to become one of those who are in hot demand? Don't settle for you don't really want. Go out and get what you do want. Others who go out and get what they want find that a very attractive quality.
     
  13. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    at least you're honest about it. while i may not agree with it, there's nothing wrong with wanting somone who is financially stable and can support you.

    however, it's not a good idea to be concerned with just that one aspect of a person either. if you chase a person's paycheck, you may end up in a really horrible relationship because you've only concerned yourself with their income. this may be the issue you are having with other men as well. i know that i lose interest quickly when i realize that the person is only interested in me for one reason (income, looks, etc). i prefer the person to show interest in the whole me (flaws and all) and i only seek those who do. i believe most people are like this as well. these engineers may have gotten the vibe that you only like them because of their job and decided they wanted more than that. it's similar to guys who only like girls based on her looks and anything above and beyond that is a bonus, while anything below that can be ignored.

    my suggestion is to leave the guy you're currently involved with. get your own life together. it's important for you to be financially stable on your own while you're single and in search of the man who meets your requirements. besides, if things don't work out, you won't find yourself in an unmanageable situation. finally, make sure you look beyond a man's income and evaluate him as a whole. it'll show genuine interest on your part and also improve your chances of ending up in a good relationship.
     
  14. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    This sounds really sickening to me, how about instead bringing the power of your life back where it belongs, namely in your own hands instead of relying on men to arrange your life for you. I feel you've been brought up with the old fashionate idea that a woman should be in the kitchen while the men go out and hunt for food. Well guess what times have changed and nowadays there's plenty of independent woman walking around who take their lives into their own hands. You should do the same, therefore take mod 7960's mothers advice: You worry about YOU!" You'll be a much happier person. After you got everything arranged for your life you can start worrying about other things. You need to build up your life from the base, and then add layers to it. Don't start from the top because your life will collapse.

    Every person in life walks their own path, even if they are together at some times. You need to take the responsibility of your own life and do the walking by yourself, and once you have everything arranged in your life, then it would've been a good time to find a significant other in your life who you could share it with.
     
  15. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Well, Anticipate, if you want me to be brutally honest:

    You want a guy to take care of you financially? Fine, but if the guy is going to do that, you had better do the following:

    Be beautiful at all times.
    Give him sex whenever he wants
    Do all the cooking and cleaning
    Stay in shape and not get fat
    Never complain about him being gone at work.

    In other words...you better make yourself damn well worth paying everything for.

    But most likely, unless you don't mind being married at 20 to some 60-70 year old, you're going to be alone. Because frankly...you come across as a lazy girl who thinks she deserves everything, but does nothing with her life.

    Forgive me if I don't feel sorry that you don't have a line of guys knocking at your door.

    Grow up and join the real world.
     
  16. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    Honestly MattThom, your posts have been getting on my nerves for quite some while, you don't have things together so much in your life, yet think that it's fine to bash me in my threads. I am really getting tired of your responses, as you never have anything to add other than your insults and negativity.
     
  17. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    No offense intended but you seem to be really shallow with no reason to be. By that I mean, what do you have going for you that let's you put this other guy down? So what the only thing you do is go out for bagels? If you two were good together you would still find a way to have a good time with each other. If you don't have any romantic interest in him then don't date him. You are expecting too much from him, try just being friends who hang out. Just because you have tons in common doesn't mean you guys should date. On another note, I think working on yourself will be very beneficial. You need to get out of your current way of thinking that the man should support the woman and only men with "real" jobs are attractive. It won't help you out in the long run. If you can't support yourself you might end up in a relationship with a man with a "real" job who is a complete jackass or better yet abusive. This is just food for thought of course.
     
  18. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    P.S. You asked if there was a point to your relationship and every one so far has said no. You asked for our criticism so don't be upset when we give it.
     
  19. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Yes, right now I am unemployed, but you know what? I'm at least working on changing that. I've been applying like crazy to all sorts of places, and already have 2 interviews lined up for next week.

    NOT ONCE have you mentioned what you are doing to improve your situation. You've only talked about what you want a guy to do for you.

    There is a HUGE difference between someone who says "Oh, I don't have a job, poor me, I need someone to pay my bills" and someone who says "Oh, I don't have a job", then starts looking for a job and actually making progress on getting one.

    And as far as insults...get used to it. You may think your attitude of "The guy should support the woman financially" is old fashioned, but a lot of people (including me) are going to view it as laziness.

    I will say this one more time. If you want a quality guy, you have to make yourself worth having for a quality guy. Not being willing to work/expecting the guy to provide for you is going to turn off HUGE numbers of guys from wanting to date you.

    So, you better be absolutely awesome in all other gf aspects, or no guy is going to even give you a second thought.

    Either accept the consequences of your choices, or change what you choose to do.
     
  20. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    Actually it is your assumption that I am not working on getting a job. I just sent a resume out last week, and am planning on sending more out this week. I had been going to interview after interview for a year before I finally found my current part time position, and know how hard it will be for me to find full time work. By the way, I am not asking a boyfriend to financially support me, rather what I am saying (which he understands) is that if this relationship were to progress to the point of marraige, then I would need him to be the primary financial supporter of the relationship (which he agrees with himself anyway).
    As for being absolutely awesome in all other gf aspects, please let me know what this entails, as I really would love to know what would make me an absolutely awesome girlfriend!
     
  21. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    I don't know where everyone got the notion that I am only looking for a man with a good job and nothing else? I once dated a man with a great job, he was very well off financially, but he was a complete jerk, and no, I did not want to continue going out with him. That is definitely a worry of mine in being in a relationship where I am completely financially dependent on the other party.

    I wasn't necessarily asking for criticism, as much as pointing out an issue in my life that I was asking for support in handling. Maybe I need to reread the Asylum rules, but I was under the impression that the Asylum was a place to turn to for support, not bashing (and if you want to give constructive criticism, there is a way to give that without getting nasty).
     
  22. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    You asked if there was a point to your relationship. People answered (no) and said why not (because you come off as extremely shallow). Maybe you should reread what you said and see how it paints you as being a person who cares about some one's job first and foremost. You put down the guy you are dating for not having a job and all around make a big deal about where a guy is financially. Maybe that isn't the kind of person you are but that's how you seem. It's all we have to go on. I think this thread should be in the Vaginarium, where you will probably get much of the same words of wisdom.

    Anyways, did any of what I said before make sense to you? Or was it just not what you wanted to hear?
     
  23. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    We only had what you had posted to go on...and you had posted nothing about improving your own financial situation.

    An as far as getting constructive criticism...maybe you're right.

    So I'll start over.

    You asked if there was any point to your relationship. Since you don't have any romantic feelings for the guy, the answer is "no, there's probably not a point to being in a long term relationship with a guy".
     
  24. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    As far as financial situation is concerned, that probably deserves its own thread, and I am not even sure if I want to post on ot.com about it at all, since I do not find that I get helpful advice here and that is a far more serious concern in my life than this.
    That said, I believe that much of the lack of romantic feelings I have for him is because of superficial reasons, which can be changed: his facial hair, his weight, his lack of athletic ability, and his lack of finances. So I am saying that perhaps since these are superficial reasons, maybe they are things that can change, and since I do like him as a friend/human being, maybe it is worth pursuing a relationship with him, being that I can possibly help him change these external aspects about himself.
     
  25. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Or, you could do what most people would do: Recognize that he has very few of the qualities that you desire in a partner, and seek someone more compatible.

    For example, I could date a girl who was overweight, smoked, drank, was financially irresponsible, and had bad hygiene...I could work on getting her to change, and then be with her.

    But that seems like a waste of time and effort when there are plenty of single women out there who don't drink or smoke, take care of themselves, are financially responsible, and smell nice. I could date them, and not have to spend all that time and effort trying to get them to change.

    Its like looking for a house...you could find a run down house that cost X amount of dollars base, then would take Y amount of dollars to fix up the way you wanted it. Or you could look for a house that cost X+Y and was already nice.

    Lastly...despite what women think, lots of men out there don't want to be with a woman who wants to change them a ton.

    Don't settle...go look for men who have qualities you want NOT, not men that could have those qualities if you convince them to change.
     

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