is there a time limit on serious relationships?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by babygodzilla, May 22, 2008.

  1. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    this is about serious relationships. not one night stands, not flings, not fuck buddies. this is a question bout someone you love or you at least think you 'love'.

    do you guys think there is a time limit on serious relationships before getting married? if so, how long?

    let me explain myself. through my own experience, and those that are close to me, i have concluded that the longer you stay in a relationship with someone without getting married, the bigger the chances are for that relationship to fail, or for at least one or both parties to be unhappy.

    i have a friend that was with his girlfriend for 8 years. from high school, to college, and so on. failed. fast forward, he got together with this girl, was in a relationship for about 1-2 years. got married, expecting a child.

    my brother was with this girl for about 3-4 years. got engaged. suddenly failed. next girl he was in a relationship with for about 2 years. now married, expecting a child.

    my sister was with this guy for about 4 years. failed. got together with this guy, was in relationship for less than 1 year. married, now with 2 kids.

    these are just 3 cases on top of my head. i know a few more that are more or less identical, but i wont bother typing them cause you get the idea.
    so it seems to me that there is a trend here. the longer the relationship is, the bigger the chances for failure. based on what I know, I put the limit at 3 years. what do you think?
     
  2. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i think that it has less to do with length of time (ie, being too long) and more to do with the ages of the people in the relationships.

    you mentioned that the relationship that was 8 years long was from high school through college. people change a whole lot during those times. i could never imagine being happily married to my high school boyfriend because of how i have changed as a person since then.

    i dont think there is any "right" time limit. it depends on age, life experience, etc
     
  3. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    i think your entire view on relationships is completely and utterly fucked. you should know better at your age than i do, and you know less. which is just sad
     
  4. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    Just because you are married doesn't mean your relationship still can't/won't fail
     
  5. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    also a very good point. not does it mean you are happy just because you stay married
     
  6. dukedevil0

    dukedevil0 Stop looking at me, swan.

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    something tells me that the shorter a relationship is before marriage, there is a higher likelihood of failure in most cases.

    overall, i think it's a matter of people getting married without fully knowing who they are marrying....or things change once married that ultimately cause the downfall

    i don't really think the time itself has much to do with it
     
  7. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i have some friends who got married after 3 months. they have been married for almost 3 years now and have a baby. they are miserable and never should have gotten married. yet i know they will never divorce
     
  8. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    :wtf: so now you know soooooooo much about me huh? :rolleyes:

    just asking a question based on experiences of close friends and family. chill the fuck out dude. no need to make it personal.
     
  9. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I think a quick marriage can work when both are on the same page about settling down and starting a family. In a LTR you might have one partner who's been pushing for marriage since day one and the other not really interested. And then I'm sure there are plenty of quick marriages that don't work out because the couple was more infatuated with each other than marriage minded.
     
  10. fray

    fray New Member

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    Depends entirely on the reasons behind the current state of the relationship. There are many things that make people decide to stay together long-term and not get married (personal beliefs, wanting to become stable, wanting to make sure they are grown and mature before getting married, other priorities). If you are together and you aren't getting married because you aren't sure you want to be with someone or you have commitment issues, etc. then obviously this is a case where the longer you put off marriage, the greater the chance of failure.

    I fail to see how the fact that the people in your examples are now married with children/expecting means that they will be more successful in their few-year relationships than the multi-year relationships they were in before.
     
  11. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    IMO the problem is viewing the end of a relationship as its defining moment.
     
  12. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    I think you need a larger pool of people to pull your numbers from to make such a conclusion.
     
  13. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    that is true as well. the thing is many people really "get used" to their SO, which I think is a really dangerous area. it drives them to stay with their SOs, whether or not they are happy. i have a friend that's been with this Taiwanese guy (nothing against Taiwanese guys, just pointing out the fact that he's Taiwanese) for about 2-3 years. it's not that long, but definitely not short either. that's enough time to really get to know the good and bad of each other. well at least that's how it works in my culture.
    the thing is everytime i ask her "do you love him?" she can only say "i dunno." fine, that question is always a hard one. next one is "does he make you happy?" the best she can give is "i guess" or "sure." not very convincing. the only reason she's stiill with him, and she hinted at this without saying it directly, is that she's "used to him." she's to him being around, used to bitchin to him, used to kissing him, etc etc. it seems to me that that man has become just another routine in her life.

    and that is why i think that, if after you spend a certain number of years in a relationship with someone you still can't answer questions like "do you love him/her?" or "does he/she make you happy" or "cay you see yourself staying with him/her forever?" then don't waste your time. you're not gonna get anywhere with that person. and if you do end up getting married, you'll be miserable.
    of course someone's gonna argue that you can't put a time limit on love, etc etc. but im just being practical.

    honestly it's really hard for me to convey my thoughts to you guys. in my culture we don't get into relationships to fuck around. we get into relationships with the mindset of "could i spend my life with this person?" which is really different of course from western cultures. maybe you can understand my opinions better after knowing this fact.
     
  14. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    that is true. i have no hypothesis here, i'm just seeing a trend.
     
  15. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    like i said, i know a few more similar cases, i just dont wanna bother typing em all out.

    ok yea i dont have the time nor the resources to conduct a research involving 1000 samples. im just basing this on my experience and those that are close to me.

    and like i said previously, it's hard for me to express my opinions and probably for you to understand them because we come from different cultures.

    in my culture there is an unspoken pressure to get married. although i'm sure the pressure exists in America as well, i think the pressure in my culture is much larger. in America, it's ok for a man, or even a woman, to not be married in their later years (say 40s). but in my culture, if you're not married by around 35, there is something god fuckin wrong with you. you either are full of fail and AIDS, or just too much of a loser to attract anyone. if you're a woman above 30 and you're not married, well, may god save your soul. :wavey:
     
  16. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    The length of time before marriage has almost nothing to do with whether the marriage will be a successful one or not, there are simply way too many factors you are choosing to leave out. I know plenty of people successfully married after multiple years of staying together!
     
  17. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    no. if there were then i would've had to break up with Tigre, we've been together for 5 years.

    If the relationship is working and the couple is happy, why get married?

    And yeah i get that your culter pushes for marriage as a barometer (so does mine) for success but if you are just aiming to get married but not really test the waters and know that you happy with this person then then i don't consider it a success at all.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2008
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    What's really strange is I have also noticed many people doing what your friends/family have done. Not on purpose, but I've noticed in the past few years that people I've known would date someone for years (usually from youth), dump them, and then the very next person they had a serious relationship with they married. I think a lot of times this has to do with people who're serial monogamists. Those people who can't even fathom the idea of just casually dating others and having fun. They constantly want to be in a long term relationship. It seems that they will be with someone far longer than they should have the first time around and suddenly when the next person they date is totally different they think they're perfect for one another :dunno:

    Either way, to answer your initial question the only thing I will say if I find it almost crazy to marry someone before at least 2 years of dating. I know some people will fight this and say "well my sister just knew within 3 months of dating her husband...:mb:" That's fine and I don't care because I still feel a majority of people marry far too fast.

    I'm also someone who has said many times that I don't believe you can truly love someone until you know them fully. Have been with them through good and bad situations and persevered. It's my opinion that most relationships fail these days because people choose the wrong mate. There's nothing wrong with marriage or monogamy IMO if you meet the right person. People also quit very easily.
     
  19. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    Hmm I guess that means my relationship is long overdue for a breakup then too, huh? 5 years of dating, and probably several more before marriage. There are reasons for these circumstances: been dating since I was 15, three years later I only would have been 18 and just graduating high school. I'm at least going to graduate college before I'm married. We want to be headed toward some kind of life of our own before we start one together. I really dont think there's anything wrong with people who take over an arbitrary time limit to get their shit together enough to consider marriage.

    I've known couples that have lasted and couples that have failed both ways. My boyfriends best friend met and married a girl within two years; my parents dated for a long time before they married. It appears to be a coincidence that these couples around you have had these kind of relationships, or maybe they are just rushing to settle down due to societal pressures and their past failed relationships.
     
  20. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    that is great thinking, and a lot of young people in my (probably our) generation is starting to move to this way of thinking. being more open-minded. unfortunately it's not that easy. our parents are much more conservative, and marriage is just expected. honestly i dont think my mother cares so much for happiness as she does for offsprings, but that's not saying she doesnt want me or my siblings to be happy. it's just that the way she talks about life is like it's a bunch of chores to be done.

    life is:
    grade school
    middle school
    high school
    college
    grad school
    get married
    kids
    DONE! enjoy the rest of your life

    it's really sad and i hate her way of thinking. at the same time, it's hard to go against parents' expectations.
     
  21. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    i don't wanna bring you down or anything, but just personally, based on the trends and the history i have seen, relationships that started in high school and that continues for years and years are prone to failure. again, that's my personal experience. i wish you lots of happiness! :wavey:

    it may be a culture thing, like mine. in my culture, it's not accepted to "casually date and have fun," let alone have casual sex. if you're young (say under 30) and have had "a lot" of SOs ("a lot" meaning about 4 or 5), you're just too much of a playboy or a slut. if you're over 30 and you keep switching SOs, then people just start looking at you with a sorry look, like a fisherman that can't quite nab a fish. so much pressure...
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2008
  22. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    Are you still financially tied to her? Will she be making your decisions for you? Is your happiness her domain or do you have to fit her mold to be happy? it's your life, YOU live it as YOU see fit. Yes, parents are a huge factor in our lives but you are NOT their puppet to live for their wishes.

    With parents like that you will NEVER make them happy. they will alwasy expect more and more and that you haev to marry exactly who they want and give them 8 babies. fuck that.
     
  23. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    my parents met in high school (senoir year), dates for 5 years adn then got married.. they were married for 17 years before my motehr died. My father still calls her the love of his life and they would've been happy into old age.

    every one is different. the one thing they had that made them strong was that they communicated with each other and knew how to work with each other as they changed and grew as people.
     
  24. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    no not at all. although there are parents that are that strict, thankfully mine aren't. they just kinda put ideas in my head, like "o u noe I think it's best if you get married at blablablabla" but they never ever say "ok you gotta get married at so and so age or we'll disown you." my parents let me and my siblings make our own choices. they just give you a lot of "suggestions," sometimes too many... :p

    on the other hand, we just can't do what you just said dude. it just doesn't work that way. you're basically saying that i should tell my parents to fuck off, leave me alone, and let me live my own life. and that just won't go down. that's probably very weird to you, and i understand if you don't understand. and that applies to married couples too. it is not uncommon for married couples in my culture to still be somewhat supported by either parents. weird eh?
     
  25. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    i'm not telling you to tell you parenst to fuck off. I'm saying Your life is yours (unless you, culturally, do not feel that way). I know that i do honor and respect my family but when i come to my relationships, the suggestions are just suggestions and they have no right to tell me when I should marry and how many kids they want. BUT, to your culture it is the norm that Mom and dad make the suggestions, you follow them and that's fantastic as long as you are happy and comfy with that idea, bravo and kudos to you.

    But whatif the days comes that you just don't want to marry said guy after 3 years, you are still happy together but mom and dad say "marry! Marry! marry!" will you acquiece and go with it and marry or will you break up because your 3 years are up? that's pretty silly in my book.

    Life isn;t a list you need to check off.
     

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