SRS Is she still interested?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jsiu, Sep 9, 2006.

  1. jsiu

    jsiu New Member

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    I'm going to summarize the situation a bit, otherwise this could be even longer than it will probably already be.

    Around the beginning of the year, a girl in our student club, who I did find attractive, was showing some obvious signs of interest towards me. At the time, I was already involved in a relationship, but I broke up with the now ex-girlfriend about a month after meeting said girl (the break-up was due to other reasons which I will not go further into). I didn't see this girl very much after my break-up as she wasn't attending the club meetings nearly as often now due to work. I did, however, talk with her online every so often.

    Not long before the school year ends (a few months later), I run into her at her workplace while she's working (she works at a cafe-type place). I order a few things from her and ask her to join me when she's not so busy and has a little down time, which she does. We chat for a bit and catch up, during which I still see some slight signs of interest in her body language. It may be important to note here that she is a pretty shy person to those she doesn't know well and my guess is that she's even more shy around someone she's attracted to, so her signs of interest were a bit subtle. In this particular case, I frequently caught her looking at me and quickly averting her eyes. She also wouldn't maintain eye contact for very long during our conversation. In any case, I tell her we should catch up some more another time, hand her my phone, and she punches in her number.

    Unfortunately, finals was just around the corner and so I never called to try to set up a date. I know I really should've either way, but that's in the past now. Summer rolls around and though we're both sticking around, our schedules are very conflicting (she's taking summer classes for several weeks and working, and I'm doing a full-time internship during the day with a teaching job some evenings). I run into her once on campus, we talked for a bit and again noticed some subtle signs (the averting eyes again, and she stood pretty close to me, facing towards me the entire time). I did call her one evening not long after to try to set something up and left a voice message. She didn't call back, but responded to me online a few days later telling me she's home for a few weeks and that we should "hang out" when she returns. We still chat a bit online about once every week or other week. As the time approaches when she's returning, I ask her online if she'd like to grab dinner while she's back and she agrees, though we don't set up a definite date and time (my mistake there).

    She finally gets back into town a few weeks ago. I called her and left a voice message. A week later, she still has not responded (phone or online) and so I leave her a brief online message telling her contact me if she's still interested in dinner. Several more days pass without any response and by now, I'm almost certain that she's just no longer interested. A few days ago, however, she calls me and asks if I would like to join her for dinner with two of our mutual friends from the student group (both females) that night. We all go out and have a good time catching up with one another's summers and just chatting about anything. During this time, she doesn't display as many signs as before. End of the story for now.

    Here are a few of my thoughts: I guess the most likely situation is that she's lost interest over time, but her shyness (which I probably didn't convey very well) has me second-guessing myself a bit. Though she didn't show too many signs at dinner, I think it may have been that she didn't want to expose herself in front of our friends. On the other hand, it took her a very long time to get back to me and when she did, it was to have dinner with two others as well. But again, this could be due to the shyness.

    So here I am now, asking for your opinions on the matter. I know it's impossible to fully comprehend the entire situation based on an online account and I did leave out a lot of details, but I'm just looking for some outside perspective. I almost feel as though I'm using the excuse of her shyness to cover up the fact that she's just not interested in me anymore. What are your thoughts? If you would like to go further into something, please let me know. Thanks for your time.
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You're probably right.

    You might want to invite her out to a definite event, on a definite time and a definite date...instead of leaving these vague messages that she "should contact you if she's still interested in dinner".

    You don't seem to want to stick your neck out, preferring instead that she reveal her cards first ("if YOU'RE still interested in dinner..i.e. me") Why should she stick her neck out if you won't? According to your descriptions, her vagueness is pretty close to yours.

    In fact this whole post is basically you not wanting to stick your neck out. See, you want to analyse her feelings, because you're not willing to risk an invitation...JUST IN CASE she's not interested.

    I can imagine how you probably come across to her, based on how you've structured your narrative. Try to see how this looks from her side.



    So what to do?

    First, why don't you decide how you feel about her first? You seem a little apathetic over her.

    Second, if you are interested in her, act like it. Make a definite plan, and invite her out.
    Not a wishy washy thing, not a "I'll be at a certain place, show up if you want" thing, and DEFINITELY NOT a group thing.


    If she declines or makes some excuse or basically anything other than an reasonably enthusiastic "OK, I'll see you Friday night then" then you have your answer.

    If she is genuinely, honestly busy and cannot reschedule, any decent girl will offer up an alternative plan. As in, "gosh, I really can't make it Friday night...ummm, would Saturday be ok with you?"

    Anything else...and she's just not into it.

    There's your game plan. Put it, or a reasonable variant of it into action.
    Good luck.



    PS. You probably want a specific answer. Here it is.

    She's probably no longer interested, but was at one point. However, she might have backed off because she thinks that you don't want her because you never took the initiative with her.

    If she's not really special to you, then don't toy with her. Leave her be.
    If she IS really special to you, then ACT LIKE IT DAMN IT.

    So put my plan into action and you will be able to discern her true feelings. All it will cost you is a phone call. You can do that. Right?
     
  3. jsiu

    jsiu New Member

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    johan, thanks for your response. Though I don't think I was necessarily THAT vague with her, I do agree with you in that I have not been direct enough, thus leading to confusion and indecisiveness on both our parts. For instance, a few days before she was coming back, I did speak to her online and asked her out to dinner. She agreed to, but when she asked me "when?" I foolishly responded with "I'll give you a call" and left it at that instead of setting up a definite date and time then and there. So although I feel as though I've conveyed a level of interest, I do realize that the message has not been clear enough.

    In response to some of your other points:

    1) You're right in that I'm still not sure how I feel about her. That's why I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to set up a date.

    2) The group dinner was definitely not my idea. She had invited me out with 2 of our mutual friends. Perhaps I should've declined then and there and made it clear that I wanted to see her alone.

    Part of the reason why I think she may still be interested was, as you pointed out, she vaguely attempted to reschedule when she had went home. That is, I had left a voice message and she contacted me online a few days later saying that she was home, but would like to "hang out" when she returned in a few weeks. Albeit a poor attempt to reschedule, it was an attempt nonetheless.

    She'll be around for a few more days before she goes home again until the start of school. I'll give it one last shot and see how it goes.

    It's funny how after getting out of a relationship (one that I ended I might add), you have to re-learn those dating skills. Once again, I appreciate your input and welcome anything more you have to say.
     
  4. Los

    Los Active Member

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    Listen to this girl. She speaks the troof!
     
  5. jsiu

    jsiu New Member

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    Quick update. I gave it one last shot.

    I asked her yesterday to grab some coffee with me later tonight. She replies with something along the lines of "I'm going on a girl's night out after work. Sorry". She didn't counter with an alternative date nor did I offer another as she's going home tomorrow for a few more weeks before school starts. I've pretty much stuck a fork in it now. I think she probably still is interested, but was done waiting for me to make a stronger move. In any case, I'm content with the answer and I'll let it be a learning lesson. Thanks for the advice, johan, and as always, feel free to comment.
     
  6. iceburgslim

    iceburgslim Guest

    You didn't strike when the iron was hot. She thought you were interesting but then as you drug things out you became less interesting and more boring. The only real way you're probably going to be able to salvage this is to take another girl around her and make her jealous. Otherwise move along.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Well, she wasn't into it, as I figured, and you're SORTA out a girl but this isn't a total loss.

    Why? Because you got a really good chance to figure out how women work.
    Use that to your advantage next time.
     

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