SRS Is my marriage over?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Mizer, Jun 3, 2006.

  1. Mizer

    Mizer Who needs sleep!

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    Feels weird posting any of this here but I need advice from somebody that doesnt know me.

    Been married little over 4 years. I am now 26 and met her in high school where we lived in a pretty small town. Relationship basically started out long distance after she moved off to college. We got married after she graduated then I decided I wanted to go back to school as well. So our entire relationship has been primarily during my time back in college. With opposite work schedules and me in class our time together the past 4 years has been very limited.

    I feel that she has grown ever more distant from me. She says she loves me still but over all she has stopped being affectionate. I mean I get the hey how are ya, i love ya, kiss thing couple times a day.............but over all I just dont feel anything anymore when we are together. Im not sure if its the stress of working full time and going to school full time thats just stretching us thin or if things are just fizzled out.

    We got married pretty young. Im wondering if what I thought was actual love back then was me mistaken a deep enfactuation for this woman because I thought she was outta my league when we started dating.

    My problem is I just dont know what to do next. She once told me that she would rather live an unhappy life than to have to go through a divorce. So how do I know if how she acts or what she tells me she feels for me is even the truth. Ive found myself thinking about this crap constantly and its pretty much consuming my life. Its driving me insane. It almost feels, because of the lack of physical activity and affection, that we have evolved more into the role of roomates and best friends than husband and wife. I still have feelings for her but cant live the rest of my life in a relationship where my actions and feelings are not recipricated.

    I have talked to her in the past about it. Told her how I felt. She said she would work on it. She seemed to improve and things got better for a few weeks then she just kinda faded back to the way things were. So here I stand. Lost as ever.

    Any thoughts? Anyone in here been through a divorce?
     
  2. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    You need to sit down and talk with her again. Tell her exactly how you feel and what you are unhappy with in your marriage. It will take effort and your marriage (in my opinion) will never be the same as what it was in the beginning.

    Recently I considered leaving my husband of 6 years (we've been together for 8). We were also married very young but instead of choosing to blame our problems on that we chose to look at the reasons why we were having the actual problems themselves. It is going to take effort and commitment from BOTH of you. You are just as guilty as she is in your marriage being where it is today.:hs: It has been a couple of weeks now for us since I chose to stay and just by talking with each other and both of us understanding that we needed to put effort into our relationship with each other things have been much better. After I got everything out that I needed I have been a much happier person as well.

    One thing I have found is that the less time we spend together the worse our marriage is. We used to work opposite shifts and that destroys us. We NEED quality time together to function as a couple. If the two of you aren't seeing each other due to your schedules, how do you expect anything to work? It was hard but we knew we could not continue to work opposite shifts or we would give up forever. Is there anything you can do to change your schedules to make more time for each other? Even if it means taking a couple less classes a semester, wouldn't it be worth it to salvage what is left of your relationship with your wife?

    Your last line makes me think you are considering giving up. Before you do that would you consider going through counseling? Even if you do decide to obtain a divorce I think it will help you in the long run. Good luck!
     
  3. Mizer

    Mizer Who needs sleep!

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    I have not given up yet. But this has been going on for so long I can admit I am hanging on to that last thread. I would consider counseling I wouldnt rule anything out.

    I really have sat down and thought things through and realized something. She is really portraying her parents style of relationship here. I have known them for years and they are not a physical couple at all. I see very little affection between them and I am sure thats what she grew up with.
    I think thats what she expects out of a marriage now. I meant the first couple years were different between us but the last 2 I can say have been ever more distant. I just need more than a simple "I love you" in a relationship.
     
  4. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    None of us here can truly help you if you are not willing to make some changes yourself. :hs: You really need to sit down and talk with her and tell her everything (and I do mean everything) about how you feel. It is hard (believe me, I know!) but in the end it will either make or break things. It should let you know where the marriage stands. I don't neccesarily believe in divorce but you can't have a happy marriage without two willing partners.
     
  6. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest



    IMO this isn't going to help anything. Sit down and talk with your partner first. If she is cheating then you would know for sure but if she isn't it is going to cause some *SERIOUS* issues in your marriage.
     
  7. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    My first question is: what have you done to bring her closer to you? Men very, very often forget to be romantic when they're busy, and it may well be that she sees you as fulfilling the role her father played in her parents' marriage.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Obviously take a divorce

    This is pretty stupid, i've seen woman wasting away their entire lives 'just' so they could uphold this masquerade , a farce of a marriage in which they constantly lie against themselves.

    What you need to do is to be 'realistic', and realise that your marriage has come to an end.
     
  9. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    And this is exactly why the divorce rate is where it is. :hs: While I completely agree with you that it is stupid for anybody to waste their lives staying married to someone just to not be divorced... that is their choice. Statistically those who are in an unhappy marriage and stay together are happier 5 years down the road than if they had gotten divorced.
    Marriage is hard. Marriage takes work. There will be points in everybody's marriage where they want to give up. BUT we don't because we took those vows and we honor our vows. You can call that whatever you want to call it, it doesn't matter much to me.
    You cannot come to the conclusion that their marriage is over from a one page post on OT.
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I really don't think the marriage is unrecoverable.

    My parents have been married for 26 years, almost all of it unpleasant for them and for me (I've always gotten to be the liason, ick), and they do so because they're convinced that they really are meant for each other despite their constant and relentless problems.

    From what you've said, this is not how your marriage works. That's a good thing, because if my parents' dysfunctional marriage isn't enough to smother their love and attraction, then there really isn't anything that can smother real love and attraction. However, it sounds like your marriage hasn't really been stoked by either of you in a long time. The obvious solution is, do something to make it exciting again. Take a cruise or something, where the only thing you have to worry about is paying attention to each other and accumulating a new set of shared experiences. When you have something in common again, something to talk about and reminisce, things will straighten themselves out in your day-to-day life.
     
  11. andymodem

    andymodem Ambitious, but rubbish.

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  12. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    Women need to feel emotionally wanted and connected with their partner before they can feel physically turned on/interested.

    perharps if you make an effort to email/ leave notes for her when your going off to work, leave sweet emails or other sweet nothings it will help. maybe make her coffee when she gets home from work or somthing??
     
  13. BeHeadR

    BeHeadR Only Slightly Insane

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    shes cheating on you
     
  14. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    That's what I've been saying. I can only assume that the complete apparent disregard for my posts is due to nobody having a quarrel with them.
     
  15. Rusty

    Rusty New Member

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    I take it that you don't have any children?

    You really have to sit down and talk to eachother about this. There are 2 people in a marriage and both have to be happy or it won't work. Please don't just 'settle' for what you have. If you are unhappy then try to mend what's broken, and if that's not possible then walk away whilst you can still have happy memories, and before the rows start.
     

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