SRS Is it fair?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by P-chan, Jun 25, 2005.

  1. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    I've been in a relationship with a great girl now for about a year and a half. (I'm 28, she's 27) She has a 3 year old daughter (dad is no longer in the picture whatsoever). We've both been married before, neither of us has any contact with our ex-spouse, so there's no drama or anything there.

    I get along great with her daughter, we always have a good time, etc. She recently moved back in with her parents so that she could save money while going back to school (she already has a degree in criminology). I own my home and have a roommate.

    Here's the situation : When we first started dating, I wanted to have a talk with her about the fact that I didn't know if I would ever want to get married or even live with a woman again. I told her from the start that I did not want children. I also told her that I wasn't sure if I would ever want anything more than a stable, dating relationship (we are exclusive, of course). She really loves me and would never leave me.

    The question is : am I being fair to her by possibly keeping her from finding someone who will "take care of her" in a more traditional sense by marrying her, being a father to her child, etc? Am I being fair to myself by not trying to find someone that doesn't have a child? The main issue is the child. If she did not have a daughter, we'd already most likely be living together.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. Lil Devil

    Lil Devil Guest

    Theres a few problems with waht you said....
    you said if there was no child you would be living together but before said you weren't sure if you even wanted to live wiht another woman????
    Maybe you should figure out what you want first.
    If your girlfriend is okay with the situation and your both happy than fine let it be.
    If she wants more or has been given the impression there will be more than maybe you two need to have a talk and yes think about whats best for the child ....esp since you don't want kids!!!!!
     
  3. Nightshade

    Nightshade New Member

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    every woman that you meet, and date will have her own baggage ...

    it is your choice on what sort of baggage you want; a child, or something worse!!

    (personally, I would take the child anyday!! :) )
     
  4. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Yeah, you're just being a selfish pig. Sex is about community...You want the sex without commitment. I think she should dump you.
     
  5. VIOLATION

    VIOLATION west coast > east coast

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    I think maybe you need to reiterate that with her without sounding like you're pushing her away. Just to make sure you're all on teh same page. You dont want to be hanging out with her and the kiddo one day and the kiddo calls you "daddy"
     
  6. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Yeah I think in this situation you're being a bit unfair to her. She might have made the choice to stick with you but in the end, if you're not willing to go further with this relationship then you're just dragging this poor girl and her daughter along...

    You want what your own gratification from this relationship. But by posting this...you already know the answer to your own question.
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think your just afraid to get hurt in your new relationship, i think you should just take the risk and proceed with a new woman in your life, and no i don't think it's fair you are leaving her so insecure, i would provide her and her daughter security instead. It would be nice for her and for you to try to make the best of it.
     
  8. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    I would have agreed with you a few months ago, but lately the idea of having THIS particular child isn't so horrible to me. I think that if my roommate moves out I would ask her to live with me and see how it goes.
     
  9. Nightshade

    Nightshade New Member

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    wow, man!!

    the big man speaks out!!

    :bigthumb:
     
  10. Nightshade

    Nightshade New Member

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    so there is something wrong with this child, eh??

    you selfish fucking bastard!!

    does she worship satan, is that what is wrong?? does her head spin around in circles?? if not, then you are just a Pussy!!

    Repeat after me: P - U - S - S - Y !!
     
  11. Nosmas

    Nosmas New Member

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    Seems like you laid the cards on the table and she's waiting to see if you're bluffing? Why? Who knows, but she's an adult and can make the own decisions.

    No. You've made yourself clear: You're only into her for the short term. You are young enough to still experiment with, and even change your feelings for her or anyone else for that matter.


    Enjoy yourself.
     
  12. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    It sounds to me that even tho you are 28, you are acting more like you are 18. Even if this child is mentally handicapped or has any physical problems, you should be happy this wonderful girl you are with is even letting you spend time with her. Children are blessings, they make the world go around, and if you one day wake up and decide you want kids, and then find out later on that you cannot get any woman pregnant, then you are going to feel real guilty with a situation like this. So what she has a kid, why is that a problem?? Just because this child is not yours, does not mean you should reconsider this relationship. Unless you are in fear of being called daddy, and having to provide for this little girl like a father should. You need to sit down and think if this relationship is going to work for you, because if you are around for a long time, and then get up and leave, you are not just hurting the woman you are with, but the child she has bared, and that you have already accepted and showed love to, even tho you are having irrelavent thoughts toward the child when the child should have nothing to do with how you feel about her mother.
     
  13. johan

    johan Active Member

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    hey now, come on, that's a bit harsh.
    This guy didn't come in flapping nonsense out of his lips...he's honestly asking for advice. Cut him some slack...

    Not everyone wants to become insta-dad, and at least he's struggling with this issue of doing what's right, instead of just using, abusing and dumping.
     
  14. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    No, there is nothing wrong with this child. Apparently your mom didn't hug you enough when you were a child. If I were a pussy, I would have just had your ass banned for this post :fawk:
     
  15. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    You are 100% right. :hs: I guess I'm struggling with having a child of my own because I'm a 28 year old boy, like you said :o I'm not ready to have a child, but at the same time I know that I would probably ask them to move in with me if I got the chance. I guess I don't know what the hell to do just yet. Good thing she's understanding. :hs:
     
  16. individual

    individual New Member

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    Was it already answered to how old the child was?

    I don’t think your being selfish by wanting to find someone who doesn’t have a child.Although, you mentioned that she is not having the original dad be in the picture whatsoever, so are you saying that the first dad is not paying child support? Did you know at first she had a kid when you first met?
     
  17. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    The child is 3. I've been with my GF since her 2nd birthday. Dad is not in the picture, not paying support AFAIK - I haven't asked. Yes I knew she had a kid when we first met :)
     
  18. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    wow man i've never seen you make a comment like that before :)
     
  19. :smile:

    :smile: New Member

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    any man can be a father but it takes a good man to be a daddy
     
  20. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    At first neither of us wanted too much commitment, we had both recently divorced and were doing good in our careers, etc. But now I think we're both coming around to the "commitment" side, just very slowly. :o
     
  21. Tori1989

    Tori1989 Guest

    I don't think you're being selfish at all. You stated at the start of the relationship that you didn't want to marry again, have children etc, so it's not like she's unaware of that. If she thought that you were being unfair, she would have discussed it with you, therefore, she obviously wants to be with you. If you're still not sure how she feels about everything, try talking to her.
     
  22. individual

    individual New Member

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    Thanks for the reply, with that being said… If you are going to pursue her just have in the back of your mind that there will always be the possibility of the original father wanting to be back in the picture to be with his daughter. Possibly he will probably want to do this because of a guilt trip about him not being mature enough to handle the situation with the kid and would want to work things out. If he comes back just be ready for the drama.
     
  23. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    Believe me, I've thought of this. I wouldn't know what to do in that situation.
     
  24. individual

    individual New Member

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    In my way of looking at it, the ball won't be in your court if this situation comes into play. She would be the one making the choice to continue with you or to give him the second chance that he would be begging for from her.

    I also think you should have a conversation with her about the "what ifs". As you said, you would already be with her if it wasn't for the daughter, just go ahead and seal in the gaps but just make sure you don't leave any cracks large enough that accumulate into holes.
     
  25. Nightshade

    Nightshade New Member

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    oh, wow!!

    I didn't know that!!

    :mamoru:

    you were both married before, and became divorced, so that is what you have in common??

    hmmm, fancy that!!

    I wonder why you failed the first time; was it because of a lack of commitment and devotion to your woman??

    maybe this woman isn't for you ... nor any, if you aren't man enough to take care of one ...

    shit dude, I was right!!

    you ARE a PUSSY!!

    come on, biatch!!

    point the finger at me, and be A PUSSY!!

    otherwise, respond back with another excuse for why you had a divorce ...

    did she cheat on you??

    did you cheat on her??

    come on, man!!

    step up!!

    (Or Are you a PUSSY??)

    can you say it?? P - U - S - S - Y??
     

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