SRS Is it anxiety?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BwanaKuu, May 29, 2009.

  1. BwanaKuu

    BwanaKuu New Member

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    So, I haven't really felt "right" since junior year of high school. I'm 19 now and entering my sophomore year of college in the fall. I've known for several years that things just don't seem right and I've been constantly trying to figure out what was wrong. I've asked several times on various forums for help but I never could quite convey what I was feeling. However, now I think I know what is wrong. Anxiety. Not towards any one aspect of my life but just in general. I thought of times in my life where I felt like this and realized that many times before big tests or the beginning of the school year, I would feel anxiety, which I know is normal. A lot of times I would feel like I was in a haze and I just couldn't get things done or think clearly. It's like my mind decided to freeze up and stop fuctioning at 100%. However, with the start of junior year, I had to start deciding things like college and possible majors. Of course, I got anxiety from this.

    However, this anxiety doesn't seem to have gone away. Nothing seems clear and I have a lot of trouble focusing. I don't know how I still managed to do well in school when I can't even concentrate well but somehow I can. I'm constantly worried about a lot of different things. I know it's irrational and I tell myself that, but the anxiety is still there. It's almost like my mind is blank; I can't feel anything going in or out of it, if you get what I mean. I don't feel emotions very strongly anymore, everything just seems the same because I can't break through this haze.

    I exercise (run every day). I eat well (not 100% healthy but close, definitely not unhealthy). I try to calm down and just relax but it's not possible. I feel stuck in life. I tell myself to start doing something new but then I get all worried about doing it for some reason. I feel like I have no control of what's happening because I have NO idea what I want and who I am. I feel like this anxiety has seized me and made me unable to really progress in life. I run through so many things in my mind but I never do anything because I irrationally worry about it all. I just seem to keep doing the same things over and over again. I can't stop worrying about my future and who I am. I feel like I need to know this since people ask about it all the time. I can't seem to actually enjoy life at all anymore. I have absolutely no idea how to approach things anymore.

    I hope that made some sense. I'm starting to wonder if I should go get some professional help. I can't live like this (well I could, but fuck not actually experiencing life).

    I
     
  2. extremest

    extremest OT Supporter

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    Did you start smoking marijuana in your junior year of high school or do any other drugs/drinking during this period?
     
  3. BwanaKuu

    BwanaKuu New Member

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    Nope, didn't have my first alcoholic beverage until middle of my first semester at college. Didn't really seem to affect me overall.
     
  4. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I felt like this while transitioning into the work world. I had direction at work, but outside of the office I thought I was supposed to know what I was doing or where I was going. Not having any answers started to drive me nuts. I avoided my friends and family and procrastinated everything just so I had something, anything, that needed to be done (laundry, housework, etc).

    The future is all possibilities, the answers for you will come with time. Talk to your doctor or your family if you're losing yourself in a haze of worry. The worst they can do is offer you options. I wasn't particularly open to the idea of prescription medication but I've never felt more "normal" than I do on my meds, and I'm glad I discussed my issues when I did.
     
  5. LisaYvette

    LisaYvette New Member

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    Aw. I have anxiety. It's not at all pleasant.
     
  6. BwanaKuu

    BwanaKuu New Member

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    I've talked with my dad about it and he said not to worry, he had no idea what he wanted to do at first as well. He wanted to be a landscape architect, ended up going to vet school, then got a PhD in toxicology and works in the pharmaceutical industry now. He said a lot of it was very random, especially going for the toxicology PhD which was based off of an ad he saw in the newspaper.

    I KNOW all of this yet I still have this feeling of anxiety and it starts getting applied to even the most simple shit. I feel frozen and stuck by this stuff and can't just let things happen. It's like I need to have some huge planned out way to make myself happy, but I can't even figure out who I am or what I even like anymore.

    I also keep thinking I need to get some plan so I become super rich or famous or something which is just stupid but I can't get it out of my head. I wish I could just stop being so stuck with thinking and worrying and just DO something. Sure, I do sometimes try this and ignore the thoughts and worries and it works out fine for a few days, maybe a week or two. But eventually, I just fall right back into the worrying stage and get stuck again. I'm really looking for a way to just let go of all these worries and just make some fucking decisions and see where my life ends up taking me. But I can't make decisions anymore, I constantly research them and am always questioning them and it ultimately comes down to what I want to do but I have no idea what I do want to do and don't have any personal preference in anything really. I'll give an entirely stupid example that reveals my total geekiness, but in MMOs (don't play them much anymore, only EVE online), I could never fucking choose what character to be. I'd ask people for advice and they'd just say do whatever suits your playing style. Well... I don't know what playingstyle I like. Luckily in EVE, you can be anything as one character so that's not as much of a problem. I know it's a stupid example but it's how I tackle everything in life. Need to make a decision. Research research research the options. Realize it comes down to personal preference. Get stuck as hell trying to figure out WTF my personal preference is. I bounce between what I want and can't seem to find what I really want and who I really am.

    Hell, I never made my college decision myself, I basically just let my friends make it for me because I couldn't decide. I made pros and cons list and it came down to two schools that were fairly different but I just had no idea which I wanted. Did I want the friendly and more laid-back/easy school or the tough and more party-oriented school? I just seemed to be frozen there and couldn't decide. Which would I prefer? Fuck, I have no idea (ended up going with the second choice). I get so scared and worried about making the perfect or right decision that I just can't make any. And like I said, just making one does work for awhile... but then I fall back into worrying about every little thing. I'll give another example, slightly less stupid. I run competitively and I can never decide what sort of training plan to use. I bounce between program to program and never decide which one is best and as such, my training is very inconsistent. It was much easier in HS when I had a coach and he decided everything but now that I don't have one, it's just impossible for me to figure out what plan to use. One week I'll be sure this plan is right then I'll scrap that and say this other one is right. I do still train everyday but the type of training is very erractic and I get so anxious about which plan to use and can't seem to make a decision. It's like I'm seized with fear and anxiety anytime I need to make a decision and thus, end up doing nothing at all and this just leads to things getting worst.

    I procrastinate way too much now adays. I don't do ANYTHING at all anymore and worry and think over everything I do. I want it all to be perfect and right and am very afraid of being wrong and hurt. I have all these ideas in my head of things I want to do, but I never DO anything with them. Though I have nothing to show for it, I feel like I'm a very creative person and have many creative ideas but these never leave my head, they just sit there until they're lost in the clusterfuck of thoughts I have and I forget about them. I really just wish I could DO something with my life, but I feel trapped by these worries and thoughts. I think I'm just really scared of being wrong and things not going well so I just decide to do nothing because then I'll never know.

    I know I keep editing this but I keep thinking of things. Another thing is that I keep trying to come up with "systems" of how to make perfect decisions all the time. Or some way to sum up life and how to live it basically. I constantly come up with new ones and this just makes things worse because none are perfect (and I know there is no perfect one but I still think there is, fuck).

    I also keep looking for some way "out" of a normal life. I feel like I need to find this one thing that will solve all my problems and make me great and stuff. I don't know, it's completely delusional but I still look for it. I can't just take things realistically.

    Is there anyway I can push through those times when I do start actually making decisions and keep it going with letting this anxiety grab a hold of me again? It always feels great when I break free for a bit, but I can only seem to go about my life that way for a short while then the fear and anxiety creeps back in.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2009
  7. Blahaboxxx

    Blahaboxxx OT Supporter

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    I always hate when people tell me not to worry, that's the problem I'm trying to work through. I'm not sure that there is one particular thing that can or will solve your problems (if you find it, please share :)) But maybe if you take a couple of small risks with your daily routine you can start to move towards your way out?

    It can be tough to get started on taking risks when you need to make a decision, but you could start with small choices that couldn't possibly backfire either way. As an example, I go to lunch with several coworkers every day, and every day we used to spend an hour trying to figure out what the most agreeable place to eat would be. I started forcing myself to be more decisive; if we could narrow it down to 2 or 3 options, I'd flip a coin or pick a random number and that's where we'd go. Once I got comfortable with that, other daily decisions became easier.

    It's good that you exercise. I find it easier to make some decisions when I'm physically worn out and the worrying becomes too much effort. Do you have access to a facility where you can work with someone on a training routine so that it doesn't contribute to your stress? A class or a trainer or anything?

    Would it help if you thought of your situation in the same way as finding your playstyle in Eve? It's ok to make mistakes, sometimes you'll learn something about yourself that you can use later.
     
  8. BwanaKuu

    BwanaKuu New Member

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    My problem is that yes, I can start taking small risk for a short while but I inevitably fall back into this worrying routine. I just need to find some way to keep going and not let the worrying begin to consume me again. Just make decisions and see what happens. But it just doesn't seem to happen. Maybe I should put up some post-it notes reminding myself to just decide all over the place so it becomes more of a habit? Seems kind of stupid but maybe it's worth a shot?
     

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