SRS Insecurities suck

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by runawaycamel, Nov 2, 2008.

  1. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    Currently I'm feeling way too insecure about a relationship that I should feel fine about.
    In the past I've had quite a few bad experiences and it took me about a year to really feel able to date again.
    I'm now going out with a guy that has treated me wonderfully for the past 5 months. I really have nothing to complain about, but the problem is I can't help but feel extremely weary and insecure about the relationship. I hate it. He has never given me reason to doubt him, but every subtle thing makes me worry. Part of me wants to talk to him about this, but I don't feel like it would help. Soo...I go about...trying to act as though everything is fine, but deep down I'm a mess.
    Another thing is that one of his best friends is this girl that is definitly above average on the looks scale. When I see them together I don't see anything suspicious, but I do know she had a crush on him a few years ago (though nothing happened). They're going on a study abroad for 2 months in a few months. :ugh:
    This problem isn't about him, it's about me and how I'm ruining a perfectly good relationship with my past experiences. This is the last thing I want to happen, but I just don't know how to get through this. I want to trust him and feel secure with him, but I just don't know how. :wtc:
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You need to talk about it, with someone. Honestly, if he cares about you at all (and as long as you don't go PSYCHO insecure rant on his ass) he should be completely fine and do nothing but ease your fears. If he was the kind of guy (which I doubt he is from what you've said) to make you feel stupid about what you admitted then you don't need to be with him anyway.

    My current relaitonship is by far the best one I've had simply for the fact that he is the first man I've really opened up to about anything I was feeling weird about. Every time the slightest thing has irked me I told him and he has always calmly talked to me about it and possibly eased my issues if I had any.

    The thing about your situation is that you know it is you and it's completely up to you to fix. Also, have you considerd therapy? It can really help you I think.
     
  3. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    I really have thought about talking to him, but I have no idea what to say. The last thing I want to sound like is an insecure-psycho, so I suppose...if you were in my shoes...how would you go about starting the conversation? For once I'd like to have a conversation about insecurity end in a way that actually makes me feel more secure, not the other way around.
    Thanks =)
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Just tell him. It's obviously best in a calm setting, like lying together before bed. Tell him it's nothing he has done but you really feel you need to get some things off your chest. You can even throw in a comment about "please don't think I'm an insecure psycho" :dunno:
    Either way, it needs to be talked about otherwise you'll single-handedly go nuts and ruin your relationship from the inside out.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The thing is 'you need to allow yourself to be happy' , let it go. Say to yourself: everyone deserves at least one chance in life, and 'innocent until proven guilty' , you've got to let it go , otherwhise you'll become a victim of the paranoid , and how is that going to make your life happy? It won't. Look , there's things in life you can control and cannot control, hurricanes,earthquakes, can you control all the people who are now walking in new york,simular you can't control your bf, so just as pointless as it is to worry about all the things you can't control, it is as pointless to make your own mind crazy about what your bf is going to do. Just be happy with him!
     
  6. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    Alright. Im just kinda updating on my current situation cause I'm going crazy, pretty much.

    So I finally did come out with my insecurities. Though he was pretty calm about it and I feel like I worded it the best I could, I feel like I just started the end of our relationship.

    We hung out for the weekend and it just felt different. One thing I can definitely pick out was I made a bit of a joke...saying something like...'oh you hate me!' I really wasn't being serious but he just blurted out 'enough with these insecurities!'
    That's when I realized I was just plain stupid for voicing them at all. I don't know what to do. I think giving him space would make things a lot better, but it's extremely hard for me not to just pick up the phone and apologize for the way I've been acting (this weekend I was just kind of snappy and negative, le sigh..). He is hands down the most level-headed, caring boyfriend I have ever had, and I'm so scared I just totally messed this up by letting him know that I'm not as secure as I tried to appear.
    Ugh.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's probably not the beginning of the end, you just feel that way because you are insecure. You're dreaming in you head that he is acting different but I'd be willing to bet money that it is you who are acting weird around him. I bet if I had been there for
    as an outsider I would be able to tell he was completely kidding and trying to make light of it, but you possibly have worried youself into thinking worse.

    If it is the beginning of the end then you need to be single after him to work through your issues, otherwise this will happen again and again.

    Give him a little bit of space. You need it more than him.
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Your fear is there to protect you. Don't run from it. Keep your guard up, when you're ready you'll talk with him about it.

    Nothing to be ashamed about. However, remember that if you continue to fear this event, you're likely to create it. What you fear you create, what you fear will manifest.

    So don't pursue this fear with self conscious insecurities by trying to push yourself to "not be fearful."

    It's ok to protect yourself, remember that. If you know it's ok to do it, you'll be less afraid.
     
  9. lb1200

    lb1200 New Member

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    Your insecurities will come out eventually, if they are really there. There is nothing in the world you can do to stop that.
    However, you CAN train your mind to think differently. You can reassure yourself that you have nothing to be worried about—why would a great guy be with you for longer than a week unless you really ARE great?
    Instead of worrying about he and his hot female friend(s), remind yourself who he is spending all his time with and who he's chosen to call his girlfriend.


    I also agree with previous replies: you need to give him space and calling him to apologize won't fix anything. Most men (and other sensible people) respond to action, not words. He'll respond to you giving him space. He won't respond to an apology other than thinking "she talks too much." (This, of course, would not apply if you really did something wrong.)
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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  11. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    Update...alright...well...
    We last hung out Tuesday. Today is Saturday. We're supposed to hang out this afternoon, but I'm feeling like we need to have a talk. Which I don't really want to do. He hasn't initiated to hang out in like 2 weeks...I feel like I'm in some one sided relationship. Sometimes everything feels just fine, but he didn't even call on thanksgiving (which kind of upsets me). I don't want to feel irrational, though. It just doesn't feel right not hearing from your boyfriend for several days.
     
  12. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    But then again...we have been together 5 months for a pretty consistent amount of time. I don't want to get all psycho right as he's starting to feel comfortable.
    But then again...feeling the way I do is really not healthy. I can hardly eat. Blahh!
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    There is two ways this could be going:

    1. You are insecure to the point where you're overanalyzing everything possible and ruining this relationship from the inside out by being paranoid over his every move, comment, and all the while he feels exactly the same as he always has.

    OR

    2. You are insecure to the point where you're overanalyzing everything possible and ruining this relationship from the inside out by being paranoid over his every move, comment, and now he is feeling the tension and pulling away from you.

    Unfortunately at this point, whichever it is, you wanting to talk again could possibly turn him off more....but if it's what you need to feel better than :dunno:
     
  14. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    While this could very well be true...I've only had a 'talk' with him that one time that was like...2 weeks ago. Ever since then Ive tried my very hardest to just act like everything is fine. While I know having another talk with him isn't ideal...I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship, either.
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I agree, I just hope he's receptive to another talk because if you approach it about it seeming one-sided he's liable to get defensive thinking you are just blaming him for being a bad bf. It's a hard way to approach it so I just hope you say the right things and he has an answer for you :x:
     
  16. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    There is one other consideration. This probably isn't the right relationship for you if the person isn't compatible by default in characteristics you appreciate in a person.

    Relationships do take work, but they shouldn't feel like work most of the time. They should feel like a close friendship in which mutual respect and interests are demonstrated consistently -- including telling someone your're going to need space for a little while just because it's good for you, so you're more effective when you are in the relationship (This is something I do often, but I show respect when I tell my partner).

    At any rate, it's better to trust your instinct, rather than to try to rationalize away fears by saying "I shouldn't feel like this." I trust my gut, even if it means I lose sometimes, because it gives me a fine line without much gray area to cope with the bigger issues in life. Romantic relationships I consider to be bigger. Smaller things, I don't always go with my gut, I just let go, or I adapt - afterall, they are little. But if little begins to add up, and I get "very uncomfortable" -- then I trust my gut.

    Make sense? I find talking about things once is all that's necessary. If the person repeats the issue, I don't try to change them. I ask myself "Can I adapt to this, or does it feel intolerable to me?" If I can tolerate it, I let go. If I can't tolerate it and they continue, then I have to let them go -- I'll have to end the relationship.

    I do hope the best for you. Knowing how to draw lines and boundaries for yourself takes time, especially when young.
     
  17. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    I agree...
    I've been obsessively running over the way I should go about bringing it up...
    He always told me if I have any 'suggestions' for him to let him know. At the time I didn't, but maybe I should just approach it like that.
     
  18. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    Thanks..ya...lines are a really hard thing for me to draw. I'm a very 'grey area' person and so it's always hard for me to make final decisions or thoughts.
     
  19. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    This is the "second talk?" Well, you know my opinion on this, however if you're going to go through with it, I have a few suggestions.

    Sit down with him, and ask him to let you talk about somethings that are bothering you and that you'd like to talk it over. Tell him how you feel without whining, blaming or otherwise being rude or guilting him.

    Express yourself, then when you're done, give him the opportunity to express himself without interrupting.

    This mutual respect allows a dialogue without conflict and may resolve the issue by allowing a true exchange of needs and feelings.

    Again, you can't force someone to adopt your desires, but you can ask. If they say "Yeah I will" and then don't... you have to then choose how you're going to respond to his "not" keeping his commitment. Asking him again is sort of like what Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result."
     
  20. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    It is very difficult because most things in life are gray, but self respect shouldn't be. I believe it's always important to be kind (though I don't always succeed) when I express my feelings and someone responds with an attack or rage, anger etc. However, I will try to avoid at all cost being rude, hostile or arrogant, but I will abandon the conversation and return later when the person is calm.

    Sometimes they calm down and accept what I felt, and sometimes they remained intolerable. If they remained intolerable, then it's very likely they're being unreasonable, not me.

    Humility is crucial, treating them the way you want to be treated.

    Do you need someone to ask you twice regarding important feelings they've expressed to you about your behavior?

    Do people in relationships with you obsess over these things that you are right now because you're difficult to talk to? Probably not.
     
  21. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    That's a good idea. This talk would be much different from the first one. The first talk I actually felt kind of guilty about and apologized for how I may have been out of line in the way I was thinking.
    This time Im not even thinking about him cheating. It's all just about us or the lackthereof.
     
  22. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    ----I won't say it that way, though.
     
  23. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Smart move. I don't mean to impose here, but an idea of something you could say would be simple:

    "I would really like to spend more time with you. I feel that we don't speak as often as I would like, and that our time together is so limited. I would love to also talk to you more often on the phone if that would be ok with you? Could we arrange talking every other day? Even if it's only for a few minutes, and even if we have nothing to say, I'd just like to do that. How would you feel? What would you like?"
     
  24. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    That would be the ideal thing for me to say. I'll try to maintain something like that. It's just hard being so non-chalant sounding when youre being all torn up inside. But I'll try.:x:
     
  25. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    Update:
    I think things will be better. I brought it up...not too seriously...just in passing...and he apologized and has already shown signs of trying to change. It all went a lot better than I expected.
     

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