Insecurities (long read, sorry)

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Ev0lv3, Dec 10, 2007.

  1. Ev0lv3

    Ev0lv3 New Member

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    This might be a long read, sorry in advance.

    A little bit about my past. The last relationship I was in, I thought I loved her. I didn’t, it was a huge infatuation. She ended up cheating on her boyfriend with me and we ended up together. And well you know what goes around eventually comes around, cause she cheated on me, played mind games continuously. Most of my trust issues come from this I’m sure. My head was never so mind boggled at this point. That was my first (what I thought was a serious) relationship in a couple years. The last serious relationship was with my high school girlfriend which lasted 5-6 years. She ended up marrying one of my friends a few years after our breakup. I am more than happy for them, but at the same time I feel it has hurt me, and made me somewhat insecure about things in the following relationships I have had. More on this subject in the next paragraph.
    I’ve had a few experiences in between, but nothing to dramatic, but probably all adding to my insecurity problems.

    On to the friend I thought I could trust. I never had a friend do stuff like this before, but I stuck around with him because I thought he was a true friend. Every time I would say I was interested in someone and tried to get to know that person, he would beat me to the punch and either sleep with them or end up seeing them resulting in sleeping with them. This I think is a big problem with my insecurities. As every girl I was interested in, and wanted to get to know would see my friend as the better looking, more outgoing, more attractive person than me. This happened time and time again, till the said girl that cheated on me in the above paragraph ended up going to him in the end. That was the last straw, him and I are no longer friends. Just acquaintances.

    I've been in a great relationship for the last 4 months. I saw her one night and was instantly attracted to her, and because I am a rather shy individual at first didn’t say anything to her and I thought that was that. I was supposed to leave for a road trip the following day but didn’t because of financial woes. So me and a few friends ended up going out for a cruise to a ice cream place. On the way back home from dropping a friend off I ended up seeing her again. Once again being to chicken to say anything, all I said was “thanks” after she told me I had a nice truck. I went to a gas station where I saw a few people I know that were the people she was hanging out with the night before. I got her number and sent her a text message. Ever since I’m 100% positive that it was pure fate. If I went on that road trip I would have never met her, and I would have never known what could have been.

    My insecurities are getting the best of our relationship. I can’t shake the feeling that she is going to end up with one of my friends. I do trust her, but not as much as I really want to. I need to trust her for our relationship to work at all, and I know this. And I am finding it really hard to do this. In the relationship I keep finding things that happen the same way they did in my previous relationship. For example, I saw a text on her phone from her cousin saying “no thanks sweetie” and I flipped out because the relationship beforehand the girl would text her ex boyfriend to meet up to cheat on me. I just cannot shake these insecurities. Every time that something remotely close happens I continually jump back and think its going to happen all over again. When I see this stuff I right away jump to the worst possible scenario. “She’s going to end up with one of my friends.”, “she’s going to end up cheating on me.” “She’s going to find someone better for her than me.” When she gets a text, I instantly jump to the “what guy is hitting on her this time”, Or when she is out with a friend or something I just think the absolute worst case scenario and think she’s messing around on me. At this point is where I would tell her in tears that I just want her to find someone that makes her happy. Fully knowing that I can, and could if it wasn’t for my stupidity and insecurities.

    A little background about me, I just turned 25, and I still live at home. I got myself into some debt which I would like to get rid of before I move out on my own and deal with life at its fullest. I find it really hard to communicate with anybody, my own family, my girlfriend. I have never been taught how to exclusively express my feelings. I really wish I knew, I really wish I could then it would make a lot of things in life a lot easier.

    My lovely girlfriend was having problems at home, and I offered her to move in with my. She’s been living with me for the last 2 months. And she moved out yesterday because I keep having problems with my insecurities. I keep telling her to leave, I don’t mean this one bit (but this was the last straw for her) because I feel she deserves so much better than me. Because I feel that I don’t make her happy, and in some way or other just want to unconsciously hurt myself in the end (that’s how the people around me see it, and explain it to me). I also honestly can’t shake the feeling that I am going to lose her. I do love her, and this is real love. I honestly feel that this girl is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. If I could I would marry her tomorrow. We are still together, but it feels that we just took 10 steps back and are at square 1 again, adding more to the existing insecurities.

    I WANT to trust her, I NEED to trust her. I want to get RID of my insecurities. I want to be able to see her go out with her friends and have fun and not worry about her messing around on me. She’s told me numerous times that she’s not here to hurt me like every one of the other people I’ve been with have. I try to take it to heart, and I do, but as soon as something comes up its straight back to the worst case scenario thoughts.

    So I’m looking for advice, the ways that people have gotten rid of their insecurities. Any things to read to make the day go by quicker. I have told her I am willing to do anything to make things better between her and I. I am covered through work for a psychologist if I’m forwarded by my doctor. So, I think that might be the best route, and would show her that I do in fact know I have a problem, and that I am in fact willing to work on it to make it better. Also note that she is the only person that I have EVER been willing to do this for, I’ve been asked many times before by family to be checked out. Again, note that I want to fix this as well, and DO see it as a problem.

    Thanks for reading, sorry for the essay, but I really don’t think I could explain myself in any less of an amount.
     
  2. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    its in a diff font... is that copy/pasted?



    well i read it now; 1: good job ditching the guy, but it sounds like if you are 25, living at home thats just not good. you cant blame him for taking your girls. your friend just took those girls kuz you didnt. maybe they just didnt like you and even without him never would have.

    and well you dont NEED to trust anyone, in fact you are better served not trusting anyone until you know them.4 months is not long enough. if it works out great. but its ok for you to be cautious. in fact it is smarter than just jumping right in. take your time. Life is long and so is love.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2007
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You are killing yourself man, You are killing yourself and any shot at a happy life and relationship for yourself. Everyone gets insecure, some more than others, but you have to keep reminding yourself that your girlfriend has done NOTHING to make you even rightly suspicious! You also need to chill out about constantly thinking she will lave you for other guys, your friends in particular. She's still with you! Stop putting her on a pedastal also. By putting her on a pedastal you are setting yourself up for disaster. You are making her out to be your life, and if you two were to break up for understandable reasons (not even cheating) I have a feeling you would lose it.

    I know you say you love her but it also sounds like you are just infatuated with the idea of her and how she makes you feel. You've only been together for 4 months. The fact that she moved in with you after 2 is awful, no matter what her situation. That's too fast. You need to sllllooooowwww down. If there is no trust in the relationship then it will NEVER work. Control yourself. Don't check her texts, etc. I'm appalled that you are so inecure you got upset that her fucking cousin called her sweetie. Even a non-cousin calling her sweetie isn't a big deal. You have to trust HER.

    You're lucky she cares about you enough to stay with you while you are dealing with all of this bullshit. If my bf told me he felt this way, that he couldn't trust me I would be over him, especially after only 4 months.
     
  4. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    but at the same time you shouldn't trust her by default. She should be a trustworthy person. How does she treat others? How does she act? If its consistently trustworthy than maybe she is worthy, else I would be scared too.

    Liars lie to everyone, if she lies in front of you to someone, watch out
     
  5. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    take your own advice, go see a psychologist. You need a professional to help you work through your issues, or you will never be successful in any aspect of your life. Successful people have confidence in everything they do, and even when they feel a little insecure, they get over it. A psychologist will give you the tools you need to gain confidence.

    Your girl sounds great, she's clearly put up with a lot of unwarranted (Im assuming) accusations and isnt really holding it against you. It was probably for the best that she moved out, as IWYWB said, because your relationship is moving so fast and hasnt had time to develop. Stop worrying about her cheating on you, and start worrying that if you dont get your life together you're going to chase her off.
     
  6. Ev0lv3

    Ev0lv3 New Member

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    I am very luck to have a girl like this, you are VERY right. And yes I do LOVE her. No if's and's or but's about it. Everything was going fine until I saw the little signs that made me think that it was going to turn out like the last time. Which triggered my insecurities.

    The whole cousin text thing was an odd situation. Cause her cousins mother, takes away his phone every now and then for discipline purposes I suppose. And his mother doesn't know he has a second phone. I didn't know this either, so I thought it was from someone else altogether. Bad accusation on my part.

    I did it wrong, I went into the relationship with a whole new outlook, not comparing her to any other relationship I've been in. Then once I saw those little signs was when I started comparing.

    Government employee's have access to "EAP" employee assistance program. I made arrangements to start seeing councellors through them, before I step up to psychologists. I mean, all they are, are borderline psych's anyways. So we'll see how that goes, I really hope it does help me in the long run, then I can be happy, and she can be happy with me.

    Note again, my parents have asked me to seek councelling for years. So maybe this will do a whole bunch of good for me, while also doing a whole bunch for a relationship that I don't want to mess up.
     

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