SRS Inner demons

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Takitome, May 27, 2007.

  1. Takitome

    Takitome New Member

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    I don't often talk about this, it's a very touchy subject for me, but it's good letting it out and I take some comfort in knowing it's all anonymous too.
    It is a long read and just a vent about my inner demons, so don't read if you're planning to give me any shit about it.

    Cliffs:
    Physicly abused by father when growing up,
    fear of becoming what I hated,

    My father was allways a drunk, or atleast for aslong as I remember. We never liked eachother much, or my brother and myself either. Them two got along most of the time for some reason, he was his favorite I guess. My brother would never stand up for me when I needed him. Father would sometimes start to blame me for the death of my mother when he was drinking, I hated him for this. Made me feel guilty like shit for something I couldn't remember or comprehend and I believed him more each time he said it was my fault. Felt like something worthless, something nobody wanted to have anything to do with, something that should not have been born, I would cry myself to sleep for many nights. Life was quite miserable during that time and I never felt more lonely. My mother died in childbirth when she was having me. My family got along sometimes when we would act like nothing was wrong or was just tired of fighting, most often we would stay out of eachothers way. He would have a tendancy to get violent when he was drinking and I remember I used to be really frightened of him then. I was scared shitless of him regardless but it was worse when he started drinking and his colleges or friends wasn't there, I'd just leave then and go somewhere else if I could or lock myself in my room for a good while. He would often hurt me quite bad, strip me of whatever self respect I had left. I was mostly only home to eat and sleep. Other then that if I could be somewhere else I would leave in a heartbeat.

    I would grow more and more opposeful of him. Even when he said something that made perfect sense, I'd do the opposite out of pure spite. At times I'd just try to piss him off intentionally, and I always got a satisfying smile when I did it, it just gave me a good feeling and was worth the beating I would recieve for it. I'm sure I made things much more worse for me then they had to be. When he told me to go buy some food for him (I allways was made to do the shopping), sometimes I'd go and buy something completly else, or sometimes I'd even give the money to some musicians on the street nearby. I wanted him to know that I made a promise to myself, I was never going to roll over for him and step in line again no matter how much he would yell at or hurt me, that sort of dicipline just wouldn't have any effect on me any longer. He made me into a cold hearted bitch I've been struggling to grow out of since.

    When I look at it now, it was weird. I was living two separate lives that had no connection with eachother. One of my personality was when I was home, in school, or anywhere I felt like I had to have my guard up. I didn't give a shit about anything, was cold, a bitch, didn't trust anyone, was self destructive and felt like everyone was against me. The other was when I was with people I cared about, I would be happy, I could make a joke, be sociable, talk about boys or whatever like nothing else was wrong, be normal basicly. I could have told people, but I had this idea that people didn't care or I deserved it somehow. My friend found out after some years when she became suspicious but when she did I made her promise never to tell anyone else, I didn't want to live in some messed up foster home. I was going to finish school and get the hell out. There wore some people that cared about me and that was enough fuel for me to go on. The few friends I had at the time wore never allowed by me to come to my home. The few times they showed up at my door uninvited, I would grab them by the arm and walk away from the house. I allways answered the door when I was there, afraid it might be one of my friends and my father would answer it.

    Often I showed up at school with bruises and marks my father gave me, but as I often got into fights in school anyway people didn't find it too strange and if they did ask I would tell them to fuck off or just ignore them. When I look back at it, I don't believe the teachers really knew what was going on, maybe they did but didn't care. Most of them didn't like me or get me anyway. Allways looked to blame me for something, and I refused to make excuses. Many of my classmates would often do something wrong and make others think I did it. The teacher would then ask me if it was me, I would never answer him and just walked out when he told me to. He had already made up his mind before he asked me and I hated excuses. Think I got some weird pleasure from being hated by him.

    Myself I was allways different from the others, I didn't hang in their groups and mostly kept to myself minding my own business or with my few friends. It was rare that I would speak up in class, was a quiet sort. Alot of people in school disliked me. They would often gang up on me when I provoked them or they me. I gave as good as I got, but they would rarely go against me by themselves, verbally or physicly. I was just as strong as most boys, taller then most and I refused to stop untill they gave up or one of us was lying on the ground, just refused to ever give up or surrender to them. Sometimes they would kick my ass and other times I would kick theirs. This didn't bother me at all, wether they were girls or boys ment nothing to me. What they knew got to me was when they embarrassed me in some way, or spread rumours about me that I didn't want people to know. That was the only shit that made me feel weak, fragile and vulnerable. And they knew it. It's what they did to me most often.



    Alot of good and bad stuff has happened since. I did come to a point where I got sick of fighting all the time and allways being angry at something or someone, wanted some stability in life, like more friends and less enemies. I still struggle with my aggression but I learned to surpress it when I feel it growing, or redirect it somewhere else and I'm alot more calm and happy with myself then I used to be. Working out and practising different fighting arts helps me focus my thoughts. Going loose on a punching bag helps me release the anger and frustation I've built up in me instead of letting it out on others. I really don't want to turn out like the piece of shit my father was, I wanted to be someone better and do some good for a change. Love the feeling of waking up with a smile on your face, though I feel many of my wounds will never heal, it makes me forget and think it's all really ok.

    It took me along time, but I stopped hating my father and brother. Hating them only made things worse and was turning me into him. I don't like them, and never want to see them again. But I don't hate them anymore and I actually forgive them.
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    I would suggest therapy with a psychiatrist. With your Mom dying young and you were horribly abused by someone who was supposed to take care of you. This is obviously difficult to overcome on your own.

    To help deal with all the confusing shit about your dad's drinking, I would suggest Alanon meetings. They are for people with family members or friends that are alcoholics. They can help with all the goofy feelings/issues that arise from being in such close proximity to a raging alcoholic.

    I've also heard it said somewhere and I tend to agree with this: "We create what we defend against". So trying to defend against becoming your Dad actually moves you closer to being more like him.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I recognize all too well what happend in your life. So lets start from the beginning ,and is before you were born now shall we?

    Direction is a very important word here, parents are 'supposed' to steer their children into a good direction. Afterall a child looks up to his parents, normallly takes them on as role models and copies their behaviour and along with their own experiences grow up in their own personality that is able to deal with the surrounding world in a copable manner. Now back to your case.

    Living with an alcoholic is (as we say) like living with an elephant in the same room, its nearly impossible and everything gets damaged.

    As a youngster you aren't able to defend yourself, which leads to excessive trauma ,mental as well as physical giving you scars with tremendously deep impact and are hard to remove.

    It all starts with the guilt trip that your father tries to give you, you see if any random person would say something to you, it wouldn't have half as much impact as it does when your father would say something. Because of the emotional bond with your mom, and your father giving you the blame , this makes it a highly susceptible guilt trip that your father has given you, you as a kid at the time where absolutely helpless and not in power to prevent such an event from happening.

    You know i had a sort of simular thing happening to me regarding that, my father has always been a Negative person, oh you will never achieve this, oh you can never do that, and your life will never become worth anything. But at one day i started resisting like you and asking myself the question.

    What can grow from negativity? Negativity leads to nowhere, its like an aker , how can anything grow there, if your dad keeps stamping anything that wants to grow, back in the ground with negativity? Its impossible, positive growth needs a protective enviroment, it needs water, it needs sunlight, it needs good conditions if you want to grow anything fruitfull from it.

    And this is why your father is wrong, wrong in so many ways you cannot possibly imagine. He is his own worst enemy and deliberatly caused damage to other people which caused them to live sad lives. Your life is an example of that.



    What basically happend is that you had no parents to look up to, and your dad only send and steered you downhill, his abuse has led you to build a wall around you to defend yourself from evil-doers, even your comment in here so don't read if you're planning to give me any shit about it.
    is a display of that wall that you have around you,its not a problem its a natural thing to do if the only thing you receive in life is hurt , you start defending yourself. The tremendous anger you emit unconsiously attracts others into wanting to start a fight with you, and giving you nasty stares during classes. Afterall , people attract what they reflect with their own hearts.

    As you grow older you learn that You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.

    This because Life is like a tool or hammer, you either use it to build your life in the best possible way, or you lay that tool down and do nothing. Of course you should do the best to build your life into all you can, because in the end you will grade and look back on your own life and when that happens you want to look back on good results instead of bad.So always continue on to Build the best life. Like to tackle things and be activly a part of life.

    You know the big problem of such a traumatic event is that you close yourself up entirely. But thats not the right way to go, you see if you close yourself entirely you might miss out on getting to learn wonderfull people, and experiencing wonderfull events.

    Your father is a miserable man.Because any human that abuses his power to hurt others will become unhappy, no matter how that power is used, this because you can never build true happyness over the deaths or misery of others.

    Basically what lies ahead is self healing and learning to love yourself. As crazy as it sounds, my advice for you is to follow a spiritual path, and try Yoga, meditation and buddism. This because these things are about inner piece, self healing and balancing your life out. However the scars been given to you are deep, i highly suggest you also seek a counceller/psychologist to help you redeem your trauma from your bad experiences in the past.
     
  4. Takitome

    Takitome New Member

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    Kind of regret writing all I did, I don't like making drama, or telling people bad stuff about myself. Makes me feel all weak.
    It's just I can't talk about this stuff to just anyone. It's different on the internet, people don't know me there. Did go to a sort of counsler once, it was work related and I had to. I couldn't talk to the woman, it was too strange and awkward. What she said and asked me made me angry at times. I kept thinking what the hell does she think she knows about me, the things she was asking.. I think I'm to stubborn for that sort of thing.


    Those AA meetings, I don't know about those either. I can't see myself there. I think i'd feel worse going to a place like that. It would be like admiting I'm messed up. And right now I have my self respect or enough of it, a job I like, friends I like, boyfriend I like and so on. Everytime something from the past comes up I go into a bad mood. I get this anxiety shit, and I don't want to be reminded, but at the same time it won't let me forget. I've tried the whole forget and move on thing and it worked for awhile, but in the recent years I keep finding myself thinking more and more about it.

    I think what I'd really like is a friend I can trust enough to talk to about these things. And just talking here with you guys is comforting too.




    That's it, that's what I've been wanting to do ever since I lived on my own, like rebuild my life. It took a while before I let people in, I'd keep pushing them away if they got to close, I wanted to open up "my gate" to more people but was scared of what might happen then or something. I wanted to help people, be nice to them, be liked by them. Like after a long day I want to be proud of what I did that day. I was tired of doing nothing but harming people around me.

    This is mostly my issue now, I can laugh and have fun with other people and everything. But at points I'm worried I might hurt someone and not mean it, whatever the reason is, it's difficult to control myself when people push me or get me angry. It won't let me think clearly and alot of times I'd have to take a time out, stop whatever I was doing and just leave, be alone with myself for a few hours to calm down and clear my thoughts.




    I've been wanting to try something like that. Allways been somewhat spiritual. And the kind of workout and training I do now only seems to redirect my anger somewhere else, and releases it. It doesn't make it stop or lessen it. I'd like to get this harmonic feeling
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I can understand that but you're only human. All of us have weaknesses and difficulties. You aren't weak tho...that's obvious from your first post.
    Well finding the right therapist is an important part of the process. If she pissed you off, she was likely poking on an area that you would rather not deal with. That's why we need to look at those areas. Ignoring them and hoping they just go away doesn't usually work....if it ever did.

    IMO when we ignore issues or push down our feelings....they don't go away at all.....they just come out sideways.
    AA and Alanon are similar but different programs. My suggestion was to go to Alanon because it's specifically for those of us with people in our lives that are alcoholics. It's designed to help us deal with all the goofy shit that comes up as a result of this relationship. The issues that come up are sometimes really difficult to sort out...that's why this program has been so helpful to so many.

    I understand not wanting to talk to strangers about this stuff. Ok....but just know that they are there to help and many of them have been in the same situations....many worse. Discovering that you are not alone and that others have dealt with the same shit and emotions can be very healing and helpful. Ultimately, it's your choice tho.

    There is a saying that seems to apply here, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. To get something different, you have to do different things." Sure it's outside your comfort zone but it might be just the thing to help.

    Also the idea of building a castle is very common among alcoholics....everyone from time to time wants to isolate. But when struggling with these types of issues, IMO it's the exact opposite of what one needs to do...reaching out for help, asking for it and following through with those suggestions is what will move us into healing.

    Anyways, good luck and God Bless.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    The problem is that you haven't learned that its ok to show your feelings to people who won't abuse them that or have bad intentions with you. So far spilling your emotions has only caused you much hurt and grieve, this has caused you mistrust and a emotional shutdown,blocking the emotional (energy) flow.

    Its important for you to learn that bad experiences make you shut down and put up a blockade.

    Blockades are always a sign of a unhealthy situation taking place,another castle example(glad your from britain) so i can make these is more information about this blockade. For instance if you have put up a blockade, its pretty much like your castle being under siege, you get attacked by your alcoholic father , but the blockade prevents (food, water , supplies) from coming in, so in the long term the stand off will damage the health of the people who live in the castle (you).

    This is why a blockade can only be temporarily , its important that you undo the emotional blockade, and let in good people/things/events back into your life again so that you may start living again.

    Well you shouldn't do things you aren't comfortable with, maby you can stay in here for a while until you are ready to find yourself an exellent psychologist who can give you more professional treatment on the deeper lying emotional scars that you have suffered from during your childhood.

    You know this is where you have to become selective when it comes to opening closing your gate.

    You should do it like this. Say to yourself 'everyone in life deserves at least 1 chance'. That way you allow a person in, and if they hurt you or anything then you throw them out of your life. You can do this selectivly with all people and things in your life, up to the point that you only have wonderfull people and wonderfull things in your life. Also its proof that there still is some good in this world and things to enjoy, in contrast to the abusive and tremendously horrible time you had with your alcoholic (not even sure wether i should use the word) father of yours.

    Well, don't be your own worst enemy, and try it, and let me help you with it, visit and bookmark this page please http://www.visionsofheaven.com/articlesIndx.html , its an absolutely wonderfull page and pathway to come to peace, you don't have to be religious or anything, the only thing you have to do is not write it off as mumbo jumbo and allow it in your life. If you did that then that's all i could ever ask for.
     

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