SRS indian boy & asian girl

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by lost04, Mar 27, 2009.

  1. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    About seven months ago I met an Indian boy. I'm an asian girl. He's deeply rooted in his traditions. His whole family is in India. He's Hindu and if you don't already know they strongly believe in the caste system. He's Brahmin (of the highest caste... think of it as he's first class). He's no doubt going to have an arranged marriage. He loves his family and would do just about anything for them. They would never accept anything less than a Indian (preferribly Brahmin), Hindu, vegetarian girl for his wife.
    Me, on the other hand, I'm Christian. My parents are very traditional as well. My dad has made it pretty clear how heart broken he would be if I ever married outside of my race or religion.
    We're both bounded by limitations set by our culture, religion, and family. So going into this we both knew we were ultimately going to go no where. We both agreed in the beginning that this was our fate and something that neither of us could fight. So I set down two rules for us: 1) Whatever we were, or were to become it would end as soon as I finished school and moved back home (JUNE 2009) and 2)NO LOVE. I set the rules and he agreed.
    All my friends think we're stupid and crazy to agree to such a thing. But we believed we made each other happy and so what's the harm. Call it naive call it stupid. Whatever it is, I really don't regret it. No matter How much i hurt rite now.. and i do hurt very much, I would repeat everything I did in a heart beat.

    So here's the thing... April 7th would be seven months of knowing each other. However as of now, we haven't really been talking. I haven't talked to him in almost 5 days. No text no talk no nothing. Everything's changed a lot since valentines' day. I think I scared him off. this is what I wrote in the card:

    "If I can't love you the way I want then I will forever love you as my friend. 143 637"

    Our rule was NO LOVE. I sent him the card via mail... he never said anything about receiving it, when i was at his apartment I saw it. I thought since he didn't say anything about it maybe it got lost in the mail.. but it didn't.

    Since then, he's been pulling away. I think he thinks I'm getting too involved. That I'm falling for him; he's scared because he knows we're meant to say goodbye. I admit I am falling for him. But I know I can let him go when the time comes. We still have till JUNE to be with each other. Some will say I'm just post-poning my heartache. And I'm not going to argue.

    Why does it have to be so hard? I don't know what to do anymore. I miss him so much. But I don't know what's going on with him. All my friends say I should just let him go. But I still want him so much.

    Should I confront him with my feelings or should I just let it be? Idk. HELP.
     
  2. Cronin

    Cronin New Member

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    For me, I wish girls would be completely open and honest about everything... all the time. This, however, is probably due to this control, and these expectations, I have that aren't realistic. I usually feel sick to my stomach when an SO is ignoring me.

    I personally would not have entered into something like that - I don't really want to be in a relationship unless it has long-term potential.

    How hurt would you be if he said he didn't love you? Would you rather do nothing or would you rather take the risk and find out how he feels?
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Let it go. You already said you both knew it couldn't really go anywhere, so what good would telling him how you feel do? It would just put more pressure on him.

    Personally, I think the wisest course of action would have been to avoid thee whole thing altogether...all it did was set you up for heartache.
     
  4. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    I think what you told us about him pulling away and wondering why, you should communicate with him and get a straight answer. If you clearly express to him that you have strong feelings for him, but you will keep your promise and break if off when the time comes, there shouldn't be any problems, unless something else is wrong.
     
  5. Sephiroth13

    Sephiroth13 Beginning of the End

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    I think setting a standard with the relationship was not the way to do it, Now he is expecting to stay aloof on this whole relationship, the problem is that he is seeing your feelings for him blossom and he doesn't want to be a part of it. Staying quiet is just his way of ignoring the issue and trying to make it go away.

    Understanding that their may be huge amounts of heartache, then tell him how you feel. If he feels the same way, great, otherwise just understand that its hard to be with someone and not be with someone if that makes sense.

    I also wanted to add that I'm Indian and I'm dating a white american woman. One of the biggest issues that I've had to deal with are my parents not particularly with this relationship but in the past I've had girlfriends that my parents were absolutely disgusted about. Because they weren't indian and were not in my caste and all that stuff.

    I know he is very "set" in his ways but the question that arises is; if he feels the same way as you do, then isn't it his duty to talk to his parents about this to show them that in the end isn't is his happiness and his life rather than theirs and the same could be said for you as well. I'm not trying to push anything on you both but it makes sense right? :dunno:
     
  6. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    What I like most about him is his love for his culture, family and religion.The displine that he has and the respect that he has for his family and tradition is what attracted me to him. Unfortunately for me that's working against me.

    This is what he believes:
    LOve--it's not just about two people. It's much more than that. And it's childish and ignorant to believe that only your happiness is at stake. Other people's feelings are involved too. Love is not selfish.

    When he told me that, it opened my eyes, He's right.. love is not about being selfish. My dad has made it very clear to me that if i ever married outside of my race his heart would will forever be sad. At the end of the day, it's not what we want, it's what we can have. (has this indian boy totally brain-washed me?? lol)
     
  7. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I know what 143 is. What's 637?
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    As a white guy who has had two LTRs with Indian woman and knows a ton of Indians and Asians, I would totally write you a long reply, but I don't have time now. I'll try to later tho.

    Cliffs Notes: don't waste too much time on him.
     
  9. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    I know it's over...it's been over for awhile now. I just want closure. No hard feelings. I just want us to sit down and talk. All my friends thinks it's pointless, but I think I need that to move on. The last thing I want is to put pressure on him. this might sound a little crazy, but i knew there was going to be heartache, and I gladly accepted that ache. i knew we would never go anywhere.. and I'M OK WITH THAT. I accept our reality. I knew it was bound to come to an end (like I said before .. the latest is June) I've been preparing my heart for this ache everyone's talking about. It's 3 months ahead of schedule but i'm ready. give me my heartache.

    Everyone that I come across thinks I'm stupid for getting myself involved in this situation. But I see nothing wrong with it. I knew my boundaries from the start, we both understood our limits, accepted it and we both understood it was going to end in june.
    People say I set myself up for heartache... There's truth in that, i don't deny it at all. In fact, my heart is aching right now, but I believe I'm walking out of this with a basket full of wonderful memeories, and a more mature woman who knows what she wants. He's exactly everything that I would want in a man (if i were INdian, but I'm NOT).

    So back to your question.. What's the good in telling him??
    Closure. i'm not expecting him to say he loves me. If he did love me that would be the greatest feeling in the world but I don't want him to. That would just complicate our situation. If you love someone you let them go, right? I love him, and I can let him go. But i'm not sure I can let him go if he loves me too.

    On second thought.. I guess there is no good in telling huh?
     
  10. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    LOL that's what everyones says.. don't waste your time..
    and this is what i say: I have time till JUNE. LOL

    I look forward to your response:)
     
  11. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    i love you always and forever.

    i didn't mean that to scare him away.
    we've always said let's be best friends after all this is done..we even poke fun at the idea of ten yrs from now, and having lunch together with our spouses. lol

    all i meant was ... i'll love him as my best friend forever.
    i think he got the wrong impression. lol
     
  12. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    Yes, you make sense.
    But at the end of the day, I don't want to marry him. I would have to give up everything that I am to be with him. It's not worth it. We'll never mix, he's ice, I’m fire, he's water, I’m oil.. It just would never work.
    He's the perfect man for me if I were Indian. There are a lot of qualities that I love about him and hope to find in someone that I can have.

    Being so close yet so far... we're something but we're nothing that's exact his words.

    I have to let him go. I'm going to let him go. And I will.

    It'll hurt. I'm going to cry. But I'll get over it.

    The question running through everyone's head must be: what the hell is my problem then and what am I doing here writing this thread?

    When I’m with him, or when I’m by myself, I have thoughts of giving up everything for him; I imagine what it would be like to be his wife and it makes me smile. I'm a dreamer at heart and he's a realist bounded by practicality. When I sit here, and write all these things down, I'm at peace, I'm empowered, I, too, am a realist driven my practicality. I feel like I am strong enough to let him go because when I'm writing down my thoughts I’m persuasive enough to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and that this is just our fate, you don't always get what you want but that's ok. I should just be happy I had him for the short time that I did. And I am extremely happy.
    Then there are those times when the dreamer in me resurfaces, and I get so mad. So mad at why he came into my life if I can't have him. I was a perfectly content ignorant fool before he came into my life.
     
  13. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! lol You're the first one to share my thoughts. All my friends are telling me to just end it.
    but for what? we have till june. i don't see what the problem is.
    My feelings are strong, yes, but i know it's not meant to be. I know i'll be ok in the end, but if we end it now... I'll feel so sad because I know we could have had 3 more months.

    idk... i'm a pretty mess up girl huh?
     
  14. Sephiroth13

    Sephiroth13 Beginning of the End

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    Thank you for taking the time and responding to my post. I understand why your writing it and I'm not question why your doing it. I say follow what you already plan on doing, I know you love him from what you said from the last paragraph and I wish you could be with him if you were indian. you would be very happy together. :wavey:
     
  15. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    I value honesty greatly. I don't believe in games. I hate it when people do. It's pointless. I believe in always being honest and open with your feelings. I'm always open, but i feel that he hides a lot from me. I don't know if he's scare to feel something, or if he's scared he's making me feel too much, or what.
    Of course, I would be hurt if he said he didn't love me. But I would be hurt more if he don't have anymore feelings for me but not tell me.
    All my friends are telling me to just straight up ignore him. But I feel that I need to talk to him. I need to know how he's feeling, or I know i'll regret it for the rest of my life.
    I think I want to take the risk. Life is about taking risks. I'm just waiting for the courage to do so.
     
  16. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    FYI:
    My indian boy might be getting laid off next week. He's a software engineer for sony and sony is announcing their lay offs by the end of next week. He's here on work permit. So chances are.. he'll probably be gone by the end of june. He's currently looking into other options right now, but no one is really hiring so even if he stays in the US it'll probably be FAR (out of state far)..
    our goodbye is inevitable. it's bound to happen.

    sigh.......................
     
  17. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    If you knew it was going to end from the beginning... then whats the big deal? I would say for your next relationship, get involved with someone who you might have a future with or play the singles game.
     
  18. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    there's no big deal... it's hard... that's all.

    why did i get into this knowing it was going to go nowhere?
    --i was told... it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all... i was told wrong.
     
  19. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    That quote is just to make people feel better and really only applies to certain situations. Why do people do it? From my experience it is because people think they can change someone one, that they will have a fairytale story ending, or just want some action and they develop feelings.
     
  20. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    lol that's exactly what i intended to do but failed miserably:ugh:
     

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