In a relationship? Who pays on dates?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, Sep 9, 2006.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    My gf and I fight about this. I will give you my thoughts in bullet point style:

    Note: This is all for an established relationship, NOT during early dating or courtship or whatever

    - My gf thinks the guy should pay because it's a sign of "respect"

    - I say that, if the girl has a job and is of similiar socio-economic status to the male, bills should be split. The reason men used to pay, back in the day, is because women didn't work.

    - I told my gf, point blank (after I paid for dinner and she made no effort to), that "if I always pay for everything, I can never be entirely sure you're dating me and not my money." That started a fight. After all, if I say, "hey, let's go out for sushi tonight," of course she'll say yes... after all, it would be a free meal. I know I would say yes if someone was going to buy me sushi...

    - I do not want to feel like I'm being used for money.

    - I don't want to feel like I'm "paying" for my gf's companionship

    - I'm not gonna lie, I'm naturally very frugal with money, and I don't want to go broke paying for things for my gf.

    - Honestly tho, it's just fair. In my previous LTRs (one was 3.5 years and one was 2.5 years), it was always assumed that we would split everything. It was never even an issue. I mean sometimes I might pick up the tab, sometimes she might, but it was never awkward, and it was usually split. My gf said I'm the first guy who hasn't automatically paid for everything. I told her she's the first gf I've had who has expected me to. My LTR exes would think it was rude to expect me to pay for everything.

    My gf and I have been together for about 8 months, and most of the time I don't pay for her, so I don't think she's with me because I always pay for her, but this is an issue that comes up a lot. I know she hates it, but fvck it, because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of if I always pay.

    What do you think? We're both in our mid 20s, and we both have corporate jobs and little/no debt.


    edit - oh, and one time, after she said the guy should pay, I said "well what if a male teacher ($30k/year) is dating a female attorney ($200k/year), should the guy still pay? She said "no." I said "fine, you've just proved my argument that it SHOULD be based on economic status and NOT on gender roles." Of course, she didn't like that because it was logical, and she's female.

    But for real, am I the only one that thinks relationships should be based on fairness and equal contribution (for the most part)?
     
  2. 1.8t

    1.8t Member

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    I am 100% with you and my g/f and I usually split everything unless I decide to treat her, which I do for special occasions. I hold your exact same view on pretty much all you have spoken and your not off base at all to feel that way. She should be with you for you, not for your "meal paying" ability.
     
  3. low20

    low20 Member

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    me and my gf are going on 2 yrs....she already has a career and is making bank, im still in school, tho not paying for it (thanks dad) I still dont have much time for a job...she got real pised one day cause i cashed in on a big deal and didnt pay for her, but the reason was b/c she was being bitchy to me in front of a lot of people so dont expect me to pay for you...

    generally i pay, but to me it seems unfair...she does have bills and stuff, car, apartment etc, so i can understand, but she also goes out and buys tons of clothes and shoes like evry single week...she says, she works hard for her money and should be able to do what she wants with it. I guess if guys work hard for their money they should pay for a girl all the time...i never buy myself any clothes or anything....she does offer tho, most times so i do accept sometimes, but i also like to pay for her cause i know that she busts her ass every day and dos pay bills, and since right now i dont have many bills i dont mind...

    i think in a relationship you should just do what works 4 u guys...if shes raking in the dough, and your struggling to pay for gas every week then tell her to put up or shut up...basically im saying that a guy shouldnt pay every time, a girl that appreciated him will offer to pay either her half or even sometimes the whole thing...plus once she stops saying thank you every time, thats when u gotta say something
     
  4. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    If you're in your 20s, then I think that this is a fair point of view. I'm only 15 though; at my age the male is expected to pay for most things, (although my gf wants to pay :dunno: )
     
  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I'll admit I didn't even bother reading your post. My husband and I both pay for "dates" as we did when we were simply dating. Of course now there is a joint checking account so it doesn't really matter.

    Do what works for you and your SO as well as your finances. IMO it's ridiculous to only expect the man to pay.
     
  6. RandomGuy187

    RandomGuy187 OT Supporter

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    My gf and i are both grad students making the same amount of money...so we take turns paying for dates.
     
  7. Lindsay Loham

    Lindsay Loham New Member

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    SO and I take turns paying the bill. It pretty much evens itself out and we're in our late teens so neither of us have too much money.
     
  8. THT

    THT The easy way is always mined

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    I pay even though she tries to. For the first year or so, she kept trying to pay but I wouldn't have it. I'm a traditionalist that way. She's accepted that I pay for most everything in the relationship which I'm fine with because she started med school while I pull in a fair chunk of change...
     
  9. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Whoa.... I don't even have to read any further than this right here. She thinks a man paying for her because paying = "I respect you" by buying your stuff?

    Next time she says this, ask her, "Well, ok... but then how do you show that you respect me? Or do you not think you need to respect me?"

    Relationships are a two-way street; sounds like she doesn't understand that concept.:nono:
     
  10. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    In a long term relationship, I think the man should pay.

    Maybe i'm still a caveman, but as long as my girlfriend is taking care of me the way a woman should (cooking for me, sex, etc), then I think a man should take care of a woman, the way a man should (paying for stuff like that, providing food, etc).

    Before I start getting 100 flames saying "Women aren't just for cooking...etc etc!", I didn't mean it like that. Of course the man should cook sometimes, and of course the man can clean too, but I am just saying I like it when the man and woman stick with the traditional roles.

    My girlfriend will definitely pay half the rent when we move in, but other than that, as long as she pays her own car insurance, phone bill, and other little shit that she doesn't need like new outfits, then i'm okay with that.

    It would make the woman feel more like she is with a real man, and it could only make your relationship better. If you're some snoody guy saying "Hell no! I pay everytime, you pay the $16 to get in the movies!" then you'll probably sound like a little boy, and she'll remember that when she see's a good guy paying for his woman.

    Not saying i'm right, because in this situation, there can be no right way, it's all just preference and what makes you both happy. And again, I just mean paying for the smaller stuff, such as when we go out to eat, or go out on a date, or anything like that. Big things that we both want, like a huge TV or new furniture, should be split evenly.
     
  11. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    60/40-70/30 seems to be what im maintaining....but it really depends on what each can do. ive been in relationships where ive paid 100%, and likewise where the guy paid 100%.

    i think its best to show 'respect' in a non monetary manner.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    So what, does she like never pay/contribute when you guys go out? Treating every once in awhile is fine, but that is ridiculous.

    I'd simply talk to her (perhaps at the next time out) and let her know that you feel that she isn't being fair to you. Perhaps use an example to illustrate our point....say "it's the same as if i expected you to do all the laundry/house cleaning because you're a woman".

    The key is to show her that she is being unfair, even if she doesn't mean to. Just tlling her won't do it, and could upset her, but providing a comparable example for her should do the trick.
     
  13. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    I've always been in relationships where we both try and pay about 50% of the time. I don't think I'd date a girl who thinks I have to pay all the time just because she's a girl.
     
  14. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    EXACTLY RIHGT ON the money!!!! you sound like an awesome guy. the next guy i date, i want him to share your point of view. Women always look wistfully at the guy who confidendtdldy dpays for dinner for his gf/wife. It shows he is financially stable (and man enough) to take care of his wife.

    If im going to cook and clean for you and do your laundry, i expect you to pay for me especially if youre the breadwinner, making more money.your gf is very lucky.
     
  15. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    do you really cook and clean for him? do laundry? seems to be a lost deal these days...

    what if you make more that your bf...and its entirely possible that you do so with less hours? what if neighter of you cook?
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2006
  16. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Exactly!! And honestly, I think for most "modern" couples/families in which both parties work, the cooking, cleaning, and laundry tend to be split as well. Traditional gender roles are GONE, as much as we'd all like to wish they weren't. It's entirely possible that a woman works harder and is compensated better than the man outside the home, so that the man in the relationship has to do more "domestic tasks" than the woman does.

    I think a lot of these folks are looking at things from an old-fashioned point of view, not taking into account that modern life is much different than the days of old. Personally, I actually like to do my own cleaning and laundry, and as long as it doesn't involve too much "from scratch" work, I don't mind cooking some either.

    And I'm sorry, but I still can't get away from that idea that by girls using the excuse of "you can pay for my meals if I cook/clean/do laundry for you," they're basically no more than a full-service maid/housekeeper who I pay to do things for me.
     
  17. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    right. if you take on traditional roles, great. but i dont know ANYONE who does anymore (save for the special occasion of sorts).

    old fashioned is just that...gone. yes, you may cook 3-4 nights a week for him. thats not old fashioned, thats being nice.

    for many, if not most, financial equity is essential.
     
  18. JJDiri

    JJDiri New Member

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    She doesn't go out with you for a free meal. She goes out with you because she dates you, so she obviously has strong feelings for you.

    Guys pay the bills without question unless the girl insists on helping.

    My Tanya insists she helps pay the bills sometimes. When she does, she helps.

    You have to expect to be paying- it's just what we do. Guys make $1 to a woman's $0.70; it's been proven.
     
  19. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    if this is true, take her for a walk. ;)
     
  20. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    It's a slippery slope making a blanket statement like that. I bet you I could EASILY find a number of relationships where that's not the case. In fact, my boss (female) who was married when I first started working for her was married, and ended up divorced because her husband resented that she made more than he did. She has had two relationships since that ended up the same way, the guys being resentful or embarrassed that she makes more money than they do.

    Now granted, I think the reason she's had the problems she has is due to the age of the guys she usually dates, (mostly late 40s, early 50s who grew up when the "men are the breadwinners" era was still going strong) but the point is that it disproves your theory... men don't make $1.00 to a woman's $0.70 in 100% of cases. I wouldn't even say it's true in much more than 50% of cases, honestly....
     
  21. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    So just because a man makes more money than a woman, he should pay for all the dates?

    Setting aside all the oher settings that involve gender roles and division of labor....how does that seem fair to you?

    And if the man is going to pay for everything, why should the woman even need to work?

    I'm not saying that the bill should be split on every date...but if you look at all the dates together (and only the dates), both the man and the woman are participating/enjoying the date, right? So why should omnly one person have to cover the expenses? It's a mutual activity!
     
  22. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    I've never been one for "traditional roles"

    a person should define their own role in a relationship. I think ALL THINGS should be split evenly. Of course, sometimes the man can pick up the tab and of course, sometimes the woman can do the same.

    Relationships are a two way street and things like this are a two way thing.


     
  23. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    When we were in the early years we split, unless one of us wanted to shout (and I regularly shouted him and he shouted me).

    Now that we are living together, my money is his money and his money is my money. If I have the cash I pay, if i don't he usually does.
     
  24. ChrisOT

    ChrisOT New Member

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    We split things or pay for one another.
    Living apart atm so we meet in london usually, we split hotels or help each other with flight costs.

    One more visit till we or should I say *I* get an apartment.
    Unfurnished..i'm paying for everything that goes inside because she really can't, one of us had to get the job and let the other move in (diff countries) and it's me but..

    Sometimes I don't see the appreciation.
    I'd go on and on but that's not really for this thread, or is it? :squint:

    It's like... the fact she's with me, loves me, chose me..gives her all the reason she needs, like...she can just take it away, like she's the one in control of the relationship. Forgetting that i'm doing the same back and more.

    I don't think we meet in the middle with anything else really, it's all what she wants/likes but never me, and if I do want something for myself for once I pay hell for it.

    She's the one who divorced someone to be with me and I didn't even have a say in it. :ugh:
     
  25. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    Its been my observation that despite how many hours the woman works, she is still expected to do the cooking and the cleaning. the guy sitll wants to come home and relax after work, and the wife is still expected to pick up the kids/do groceriery shopping/laundry/put dinner on the table. Regardless of what her day job is.

    If neither of us cook, chances are youd get into financial trouble and debt because youd have to go out for dinner every nite, which could get expensive. And for the record, yes i do cook, so that wouldnt be a problem.

    Now, if i made more than my bf (which i would hope i can find a guy who makes more than me after i graduate, for obvious reasons) I would still want to come home and cook/clean etc., because i just wouldnt feel comfortable with making my husband do the domestic duties. However, he can do the outside chores such as car maintenace (since i cant even change oil), grass and house maintenance like painting and repairing, cus i suck at those things.
     

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