SRS I'm starting to get really stressed

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cerridwen, Mar 21, 2006.

  1. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    School has been great but family life has truly been stressed lately. We started out at the beginning of the year with a little over 5K in our savings. That was supposed to last for a little while (taking out 3-400 a month for spending money and a little bit of bills), but it's gone. I'm starting to get really nervous over money and hubby is stressing me out. He makes some really bad financial decisions (as far as wasting money and cars go). He just dumped over a grand into a stupid Geo Metro that lasted less than two months and he ended up selling for $100. I'm still really incredibly pissed off about that. He has no concept of what our bills are each month compared to what his income is. We had to purchase a "new" car for him this past weekend because we NEED to have two cars that are running (he has a project car that is garaged because we haven't found reasonably priced insurance for it yet). So we have about $600 to our name and my tuition bill (probably about that much) is due next month for the summer semester. I don't have any financial aid left so everything is coming out of pocket.
    I've been applying for part-time jobs, but it's hard to find something that will fit in my schedule, AND he just fired my babysitter so my available hours are even smaller (he thinks he saw something innapropriate at their house, daughter is denying it and I don't know what to think).
    I seriously feel like a total wreck tonight. I was doing our budget for next month and all I felt like doing was :wtc: . I need to find a job soon. I am super resentful over this whole job thing too. I planned it out so that I wouldn't have to work and I'm pissed that 3 months into this 2 year ordeal I have to go back to work already.
    To top it all off, his aunt died yesterday. He wasn't close to her but he seems really disturbed by it. His work won't even allow him unpaid time off to attend the funeral and he hasn't been there long enough to have vacation. His family is Native American so their funerals are very long. There is a showing Wednesday, an all day thing (don't know how to describe it-it usually takes place in a big hall on the reservation, the fire is lit outside, there is another showing of the body and a big feast) Thursday and the burial on Friday. All of this is in another state. I am trying to work it out financially (in case he can convince his work to let him off) but I'm just super stressed.
    I need to figure something out because my life just feels like it's a big ball of thread that someone is slowly unraveling. Plus I have a headache that just isn't going away.
    I feel a little bit better about venting... but still need some words of encouragement (or a reality check) or something.
     
  2. Nightshade

    Nightshade New Member

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    welcome to the game called LIFE and you are one of the many players!!

    keep up the good work, mate!!

    because you are on the right track!!

    :)
     
  3. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    :mamoru: Thanks for the smile.
    Life gets overwhelming every once in a while I guess.
     
  4. Platinum_Thunder

    Platinum_Thunder Reliability for life and liberty

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    Do you do the budget alone, or with him. Maybe he doesn't understand how little free money you have.
     
  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I am completely in charge of the bills. I hate to say it, but I think he simply doesn't understand. He frequently spends more than the amount we agreed on him having extra for the week and never has an explanation for it besides looking at me like :o
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Take financial matters into your own hands, if your husband is unable to do the finances in a proper manner, then you have to demand that you from now on are the one who will be in charge of the financial household.

    That car of him is just eating money for no reason, the bad financial decisions he has made makes money leak out of your pockets like a sinking vessel.

    You are the one who must perform as a captain, close the gaps, the leaks and take financial control over the situation, grab matters into your own hands, and return power to yourself instead of giving it out to your husband who can't lead a proper financial housekeeping.
     
  7. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    Normally in relationships I read that there is one person that is the spender and one that is the saver. In this case it looks like your the saver and he is the spender. Sit him down and give him a little lesson on money.
     
  8. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I think it's just EVERYTHING going on right now that has me completely overwhelmed.
    I talked to my doctor today and she suggested I go back on my medication (buspirone and buproprion- or wellbutrin). I've been doing so good off of them but life is just really overwhelming right now. All I can do is literally sit here and stare at the screen. I feel really dissapointed in myself.
     
  9. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    If he's consistently spending money on stupid things, maybe redirecting the money to an account he doesn't have direct access to would be a possible solution. Perhaps an account that he can't draw money from unless he walks into the bank branch to get it - so he still retains "control" over his income but it isn't readily accessible. If it helps, print out a spreadsheet that shows him where the money's going and stick it on the fridge, to help curb any resentment he may have to you locking down on cash flow. I take it you've already had a chat with him about how his spending habits are negatively affecting your relationship?
     
  10. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Yes we have discussed it. I think he's starting to understand a little more lately. He has offered to work some overtime to help out a little bit, as I'm having a harder time finding a PT job with the hours I'm available.
     
  11. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    I can somewhat feel your pain with the whole situation. I have to work to be able to help my parents most months pay the bills, I also have 15 hours of school the past 2 semesters. I am also going to be paying out of pocket for my class in the summer.

    My bf which whom I dont live with have very different spending patterns. Im the saver and hes the spender. I plan for the what if's and he focuses on the right now's. Its aggravating as hell, Ive told him if we ever get married he's having his check dir dep into my account and ill manage the bills and give him a cash allowance, unless he starts to understand how money needs to spent and saved. I've even started my 401K for retirement and having 10% everytime I get pd go to it. He has no concept of that, as far as I know. I'd have to give this up to the way I was raised and my current course of study accounting.

    All I can tell you is good luck. When you get through school, there is a better job waiting for you. Though a job is better than no job at some points.
     
  12. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    My mom was at your exact same situation. Dad didn't understand why she was so stressed out over bills, and was completely blind to the fact that his regular grocery shopping bills buying $200 worth of food without telling my mom was such a big deal.

    It sounds like you finally sat your husband down and talked to him. Good.

    Make sure your husband understands that if you do all the finances for your family, he has to relinquish some of his freedom in spending. Just like an accountant for a business, you have to set the rules for his spending. E.g., give him only 1 credit card (maybe with a set limit?), tell him how much free cash he can spend week to week, but otherwise he needs to tell you what he's buying and how much.

    After some talks with dad, he seems to have finally caught on that he sucks at budgetting, so now he's better at reporting to my mother...her stress on that has gone down quite a bit as a result.

    Good luck to you.
     
  13. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Here's the thing though. I've been responsible for the bills since before we were married. He openly ADMITS that he is quite irresponsible about money. I'm to the point where I am going to take away his debit card and force him to strictly rely on whatever cash we can afford extra. BUT then I look like the mean money controlling wife. It's a no win situation sometimes.
    edit: this isn't anything new, but it has to be dealt with differently now that we're living on his measly 25K instead of over 50 combined.
     
  14. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Well, hate to say it but you chose him...sounds like he needs to grow up.

    You need to be mean. Don't let him drag you into his pit of debt.
     
  15. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    i was about to say... give him an allowence if it comes to that. if he has any maturity, he will accept this as the best way.

    what about not taking classes summer semester, or just taking one night class till things settle a bit.... that opens your schedual for work/kid and whatnot.

    why do you need two cars?
     
  16. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    We've been working on it. :hs:
    Currently the only debt we have is our house and my car payment so we are pretty good there.

    He works second shift. Our town doesn't have a whole lot in the means of public transportation (it literally takes you an hour to get accross town). A second car is a neccesity for me to get to school while he is at work, pick up our daughter from school etc.
    My class schedule definetly will have to change, and we discussed me working full time in the summer (my previous employer offered me a summer job in my exit interview).
     
  17. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    Your not being the money controlling wife. Think of this way if you didnt do the bills what type of financial situation would you be in then? more than likely one worse than you are right now. To save your sanity you may need to take away his debit card, you cant manage an account correctly if you dont know what transaction are going in and out. This can be very costly at times, I see it all too often. This is one reason why im in favor seperate checking accounts. You can have a portion of his pay in put in your account and the rest put in his and he can spend spend spend and you can pay the bills and be responsible, and when hes out of money you can say tough titties.

    Admitting you have a problem doesnt do it any good if you dont do anything to fix it. Its like knowing the dog has to go outside and pee but you never let him out so he pees in the floor.
     
  18. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Shortcake, we previously had seperate checking accounts but I was sick of the OD fees from him overdrawing his account. He sees XXX.XX amount of money in the checking account and thinks it can be spent. We will never have a seperate checking account again!
    Don't get me wrong, I am NOT just venting about it on here. Things are being done IRL also.
     
  19. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    im sorry im being a little slow, what does IRL mean? I understand venting, I really do, sometimes your find people are in the same boat as you do. Outside opinions can be good as well, and on top of everything Good luck. My bf isnt that bad but right now but he has now just one true bill, and he loves to work off a cash basis only if at all possible. Your husband has no idea what a check register is I bet. (not trying to be funny)
     
  20. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    :mamoru: My husband doesn't even know how to write out a check.
    IRL means In Real Life.
     
  21. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    You can have separate accounts and make it work: set him up with a debit card to a separate account. Make sure that there is no overdraft protection on it, so that when the money stops it really stops and he gets an "insufficient funds" message when he tries to overdraw it. (A few of those will be deterrent in itself - it's embarrassing!) Keep the paycheck deposit going to your joint account, but he won't have a card for it. Transfer his "allowance" to his account as appropriate. He gets his money and you get to keep your sanity.

    I actually do this for myself when I get paid - the bills go out, I give myself an allowance in my checking account, and anything left over goes into savings, which can't be accessed directly from my debit card. It works, and it removes a remarkable amount of stress.
     
  22. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Teo, that IS how his previous account was. Overdraft fees add up REALLY quickly.
    Seperate accounts simply isn't anything I would even consider to be completely honest.
     
  23. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Im going along with Teo in that I think the seperate accounts is a good idea, at least you'll have control over your own money. That's 50% what you have under your own control, that's a good start. Go for 100% , because your husband is financially immature or a little boy in that area.
     
  24. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I realize that you all think seperate accounts is the way to go, but it's not going to happen. Like I've said, we've been there done that. It causes *MORE* stress than a joint account does (plus more in OD fees).
    It's starting to irritate me that the focus of this thread is now on that, when that simply isn't the solution for us.
     
  25. EmiB

    EmiB New Member

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    I would say have him do the bills for couple months (under your watchful eye of course)... maybe that will give em a clue...

    Is he immature overall or is this his only shortcoming?
     

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