SRS I'm starting to feel deeply angry with my brother...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by TFunkadelic, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. TFunkadelic

    TFunkadelic One Nation Under A Groove

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2005
    Messages:
    665
    Likes Received:
    0
    And I don't know what to do about it.

    He started drinking excessively about 1.5 years ago now when he'd left out of state for school. Upon finishing school, he returned home and began drinking very heavily. Just about every night, with rare exception, he'd drink to the point of passing out. With this came all the typical alcoholic symptoms (mood swings, spending less time with family, etc.).

    It continued to escalate and while it bothered me, it really didn't get bad until one evening when he crossed the line. I'm a performance major in college, and had a particularly important show that night with a new band (my first own project), at a new club. Since he's family, despite my apprehension I felt obligated to invite him. Sure enough, he showed up and got absolutely trashed. He actually fell out of his chair at one point, and just generally made an ass out of himself.

    What really got to me, though, was that this show as huge for me. He knew that, and he couldn't even show me the consideration of showing up sober and listening to me play for an hour before getting wasted. I'm sure he doesn't even remember being there.

    This was months ago now, and I still haven't gotten over it. He hasn't even tried to apologize or make amends for it, and I feel I can't bring myself to forgive him for it until he does.


    Anyways, a few weeks ago, he started to clean up his act and has since been sober (as far as I can tell) and has been behaving appropriately. This puts me in a tricky situation, because at this point I don't care to tell him about any future shows I have purely out of anger, regardless of whether or not he acted decently at them. At the same time, I feel like this is an immature position to take because he was an alcoholic then, and somewhat out of control of his actions, and he IS family.

    I just really don't want to compromise my own feelings to give his alcoholism a free pass. What should I do?
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    How about you talk to him about how you feel for starters.
     
  3. TFunkadelic

    TFunkadelic One Nation Under A Groove

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2005
    Messages:
    665
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yeah. I guess that's what I expected to hear (I don't intend that to sound sarcastic or dismissive). It's just that our relationship has dissolved to the point where I dislike even being in the same room with him. I don't feel comfortable doing that right now at all, though I guess it's really the only way things can get better.
     
  4. You should talk to him about it, even though he quit the heavy drinking. There was a reason he was drinking every day until he passed out. I did the same thing this past year and it was because I was very depressed. I would assume he is the same...drinking is just his way to not have to deal with life. Talk to him not directly about his drinking, but maybe something deeper than that...hopefully you two are close enough where that won't be TOO awkward.

    Good luck with whatever you choose...your brother needs your help though, even if you are mad at him for his past choices.
     
  5. TFunkadelic

    TFunkadelic One Nation Under A Groove

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2005
    Messages:
    665
    Likes Received:
    0
    We've grown apart so much in the last year, largely because of his drinking, that if I do talk to him, it's definitely going to be awkward and a big deal. I'm really dreading it, but I guess there are no easy fixes to problems like this.

    Thanks for the advice.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You need to understand the concept of forgiveness, forgiveness is needed because people aren't perfect, and life is far from perfect. If you do your exam wrong, then in order to correct it you have to do it over right? This means a second chance. People need a second chance, and some need even thousands more, but what matters is that in the end they want to do the right thing.

    Addictions are terrible, and addicts should be considered as patients who need treatment, You need to forgive your brother for the simple reason that despite of his illness he did show up. You know, for things that are huge and mean a lot in your heart, the pain can be a thousand fold if not more hurtfull, and in those circumstances its extremely hard to forgive, so just like others said have a talk to him, i am sure he didn't mean to disrupt or bring sadness into your life,so if you give him a second chance and let him listen to you playing for an hour while he is sober, then that should be the completion of his exam, that way you can put sand over the matter, bury it and come to forgiveness so that you can be at peace.
     
  7. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    how about you print this and hand it to him?

    he isn't making you angry, YOU are making you angry. tell him why you're angry and then start working on getting rid of it.

    and until you're more sure he wont' get trashed don't invite him to future shows. and if he asks why you didn't invite him, tell him (or PRINT THAT POST AND SHOW HIM). by not telling him you're continuing the cycle.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Of course you don't feel comfortable. It's going to be hard, but it's the very first thing you need to do. You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel and get closure on his past actions.
     
  9. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    I know exactly how you feel. While you may not be ready to talk, a letter may provide the initial seed to move the process in that direction. The way you say what you say will have a lot to do with how things progress. Focus on expressing how you feel rather than blaming, or otherwise creating a defensive barrier.

    I think you can do that eventually, when you're ready. It's one idea.

    I had/have the same relationship with my own brother. All of my frustration and anger has taken me a long time to reconcile. I don't like admitting it, but I'm afraid of him. I faced him recently -- just days ago, directly. It was the first time I ever spoke directly to him and allowed things to get messy. The things he and I experienced can't be expressed in a nice controlled, gift wrapped package. It required getting into feelings and thoughts neither of us were interested in, but which I needed to address.

    The letter led up to this, but... again it did take me 2 years. It goes to show how profound the bonds and damage family can do to each other and the consequence of attempting to heal.
     
  10. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2005
    Messages:
    13,722
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    at your mom's house. be back later.
    Then don't. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you have to accept his behavior.

    Is he in a treatment program? Does he attend AA? If he's not actively working toward sobriety then don't expect that it will last long. Even if he is in treatment, don't expect that it'll last long. Hopefully he can, but you never know. There are three things you never do with an addict. You never give them money. You don't expect that they'll keep their promises and you don't expect that they won't continually let you down. That's the unfortunate reality.

    Don't invite him to any of your shows yet. You don't know how he's going to behave. He needs time to prove himself. I'm not saying be an asshole toward him. The other posters are correct, you can't hold on to this anger forever, it'll eat you right up. However, you don't have to let him be involved in your life to the point that his behavior will affect yours when something goes awry.

    If you'd like to interact with him then find activities that you can do that don't involve being too involved- that sounds funny, but I don't know how else to put it. Talk to him at home. Hang out with him at your house. But feel free to leave as you see fit. Go out to dinner with him and the rest of your family, but drive separate so you can remove yourself if things get shitty. Don't invite him to your shows. Be honest with him. Tell him why. Don't expect anyone to like or understand your interaction with him cause they may not. Someone in your family will begin to enable him eventually and they won't understand your distance. Don't let it throw you.

    Cliffs: Don't be an asshole toward him but take care of yourself. Don't make special exceptions cause he's family.
     
  11. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2005
    Messages:
    16,536
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    KRAPROOM
    I have a cousin who is a meth addict and we were never close. I hold a lot of resentment against her because she was closer to my grandpa as a child and he was in denial about her drug use and bought her several cars and bailed her out several times while I struggled working my way through college. Also, she has two children, one which she gave to a couple through adoption, and one which her parents are in the process of adopting, both were born on drugs.

    Because we were not close, if she was ever to kick the drug habit, I would not try to have a relationship with her, and honestly, I don't care to ever see her again.

    If it were my own sister I may feel different then. You have to decide how much you brother means to you.
     
  12. Scootin

    Scootin OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2004
    Messages:
    111,907
    Likes Received:
    296
    Location:
    St Louis
    I'm feeling the same way with my youngest brother. :sad2:

    He's a senior in high school and is incredibly arrogant. My parents seem to think he's the "good kid" in the family and will excuse literally anything he does, so he constantly tries to tell his two older brothers what they're doing wrong and how they should act, etc etc. Worst part is my parents totally buy into it all. :sad2:

    I'm wondering if this is just oldest kid syndrome or what, but it makes me feel like shit. :hs:
     

Share This Page