SRS I'm sorry OT...just need to vent...any advice welcome.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by blackgrrl23, Dec 6, 2006.

  1. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    This is about my son's father and it will be long...please ask away if you have any questions or need clarification :o


    Let's just say my son's father is a bonafide deadbeat now. He now owes me over 6 grand in back support. Although I can understand (somewhat) why he is not working right now, it is still no excuse to get ANY kind of job so he can support himself and at least kick me a little something for our son.


    I'll try to break us down for easier understanding:


    Me: I am now in a stable job situation (pretty much) and although I live at home I have ample savings to move out. I am waiting for this job to go perm (currently contract) so I can do so. Except brief unemployment periods (1 month or less) I have worked consistently thtoughout our entire relationship of 6 years +. I ALWAYS helped him out financially whenever he needed it (bought food, paid his cell phone bill, even paid his rent on several occasions) when he was in between jobs as well as me and me alone paying our son's daycare (which is expensive!), school lunches, clothes, shoes, his food, my food, and "rent" to my parents now and paid my half of the rent on the apartment I shared with my friend....in other words I paid for all our (meaning my son and I's) expenses from day one to include diapers, forumla when he was that age.

    Him: When I first met him he had a steady job (we met at that workplace) and he switched to a competitor and worked there for a few months. About 2 years into the relationship I was preggo with our son. at first he was still at that job, but later he was let go because of his record (had a felony, I was aware of that when I first met him but it was 6+ years ago and he has been clean since then and he never went to jail, just served probation). He lied on his application to get the job and was found out. From then on he has bounced from temp job to temp job, staying a few months then once child support caught up, he would pay for a few months then something would happen and he would lose his contract. Not entirely his fault, just the work ended. Now he is searching for a permanent job, he is having trouble because everyone in his field (admin./computers) runs background checks and although it has been 10 years now he gets a "thanks but no thanks" so it is hard for him to secure a perm job. That is part of it but the other part is pure laziness...he refreshes his resume on monster and that's it...he never actually applies to anything although he has internet access where he stays (at his dad's where he has stayed for the past 6 months since losing his apartment).
    Even when he did work he might buy a bag of diapers or a pair of shoes but little else unless i begged for it.

    He currently lives with his dad, but his own father refuses to give him food saying "I am giving you a roof over your head for free that is enough you are grown buy your own food". Problem is...he has no job so he looks to me to buy him food and pay his cell bill (so he can have employers call him since his dad won't even let him give out the home number). Now if he was actively searching for a job i don't mind spending the $150/month (100 food, 50 cell) so he can survive, after all, he is my son's father even if I personally am not with him. Problem is over the past few months he refuses to take a job at walmart or something so he can have a little $ to work with until he lands a real 9-5. He is waiting for his "big opportunity" and keeps talking about as soon as he gets a job he is going to pay me back for all I have done, get our son and I and him an apartment of our own, etc. but he is not putting forth much effort to do so. He does have a few interviews lined up over the next 2 weeks, but he acts like he alrerady has the jobs and doesn't bother to search for more or put out more resumes. This is going on month 3. I don't want to tell him I won't help him because then he will get angry with me and then start crying and whining he has no food (really, his family will not help him besides the living quarters) but I don't want to enable his lazy behavior. He is putting forth 10% effort when he could have easily had a $10/hr job for now and be working on that $20+ hour job his qualifications are good enough for. He is content to sit making $0/hour because he knows I will not let him go hungry. What can I do? What do I say?:wtc:

    EDIT: I also wanted to add I have never lived with him. He kept his place and I kept mine (or we stayed with respective family) although he lost his quickly with no job. He now insists we live together once he gets his job because he knows with all the child support taken out, he will be lucky to afford a studio on his own and he knows without me and my income, he will be barely scraping by. I honestly do not want to live with him, I would prefer he get his own and prove to me he can be a man and maintain a place of his own for at least a year before I consider sharing a place with him. How can he expect to help support us if he can't even support himself? :sad2: Plus the old whi buy the cow when you can get the milk for free analogy...he keeps talking of marriage but has not shown me one bit of stability to make me want to marry him :o
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2006
  2. unorthadox

    unorthadox New Member

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    another excuse
    The question is do you love him?

    Hang in there, you are supporting your child as a loving mother and that is the most important thing.
     
  3. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    I do love him and care for him I am just tired of him not trying to do better for himself. Of course with or without him our son has been and will be well cared for. I just wish he'd put forth more effort so I could have some help....I am getting tired of doing everything myself. Of course I will keep on doing it, I just wish I had some help from him :wtc:
     
  4. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    i don't see why you would even deal with him (pay his phone/food bill) :dunno:

    if you continue to help him, he will never mature up and get a job (even at wal-mart). he'll know he'll always have you as a back up and honestly, i think he's just playing you :hsd:

    sure he's your son's father, but how can he provide for your son when he cant' provide for himself? don't count on him for anything....I wouldn't :o
     
  5. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :werd: He doesn't sound like he cares about you at all, you could do much better. He just wants to live with you to avoid paying child support. I understand that you'd love for you guys to be a real family but that guy is just not mature enough for that.
     
  6. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    I see exactly what you are saying, I guess I was thinking "well maybe if I gave him some time he would prove me wrong"....well he's had 3 months now...nothing has changed. :sad2:

    The only positives I can honestly say about him is that he has never cheated on me, when he has a job he does pay his child support (or at least get a few small things), and he is good at watching our son when he is sick so I don't have to take a day off and picking him up from school when for some reason I will be late in getting to him...which is what he should do anyways because he is his dad. :dunno:

    I feel as though he is getting comfortable "living off " his father for the living situation and me for food/free phone/a little cash here and there (like $20) and although he is looking a little, he could have a job already...something is better than nothing :hsughno:
     
  7. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    I told him from day one, no matter what happens to you and I as a couple, he can ALWAYS see his son whenever he wants (with a little notice so I can plan to bring him there). I am not the type to do that just because of money. :bowdown:

    I hate to tell him "I can't help you anymore" because I know all he will do is cry/complain/say anything to get that little $50 from me....while being as tactful as I can, what would be the best way in your opinion how to tell him basically I will no longer help him financially, you are on your own from now on? :o I know it is tough out here to get a job and even if he got hired today he won't have a check/money to even get to work for at least 2 weeks...just give him $100 and be like make it work you are getting nothing else from me? :x:
     
  8. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    I hate to admit it, you're right :wtc: Even if he had a job, although he would help with the house bills and whatnot and is a pretty good caretaker, I would still be the one doing the majority of things, like reminding him such and such bill is due, taking our son back and forth to school everyday (he doesn't drive) etc. and I would actually lose out because if we lived together technicially if he pays 1/2 the rent I don't think he has to pay me support! He wouldn't give it freely that's for sure...he only "pays" if he gets garnished :coolugh:

    I'm better off doing bad by myself, right? :hs:
     
  9. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :hug: It doesn't sound to me like you are doing bad at all. You've been a good mom to your son, he has everything he needs and is well-cared for. Once you stop giving your ex money, you'll have more to spend on you and your son. I agree with Viper, give him a little money to last a few weeks and tell him after that, it's over. Tell him that you have to save up to move out and that you can't afford to support him anymore. If he starts whining and crying then just remind yourself that you are better off without someone like that.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You have two kids, basically. Time to cut big kid loose, in my opinion. Giving him money only rewards his behavior.
     
  11. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    blackgrrl23, you are facilitating his dysfunction. I bet you still see him.
     
  12. OoOlAlA

    OoOlAlA New Member

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    You need to quit helping him. If you stop helping him and he really has nothing else and is hungry enough he WILL take a job or wherever offered. Sounds like he whines to you because you let him get his way. Put your foot down. You do NOT need to support him. You support part of him already on your own. I would tell him when he gets his life turned around he can talk about your future together. Dont let him use you.
     
  13. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    only so he can see his son and I can drop him off whatever food...maybe 3-4x a month? I don't sleep with him or anything like that :nono:
     
  14. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    thanks once again you are right :bowdown: :bowdown: :bowdown:
     
  15. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    will do! I told him today "You have until the 1st of the year to get yourself a job. I am not helping you after next week." At first he started making all kinds of excuses "Retail doesn't pay enough, it's only part-time, I can't work and job search at the same time, yadda yadda" but then he was convinced I was serious and then said "OK I will go out and get something boo I promise!" :ugh: Like I said, he has 2 interviews lined up but knowing him I seriously doubt he will have a job by then. He acts as if retail or construction is "a waste of his time" or 'beneath him"....not my problem he doesn't want to work hard for his money....he will see what will happen to him :fawk:

    Tough love is the only answer for him. I even spoke to my dad about this today and he agreed with all of you completely...help him for maybe 1 more week and that's it. My dad says any able bodied man can find a job in 2 weeks tops, even if it's digging ditches for $6/hour. A man should be able to take care of his family and himself any way possible. :bowdown: :bowdown: :bowdown: I know it's true because my dad was digging ditches for money for food for me when I was a baby :wtc: :bowdown: I remember him coming home all sweaty and caked with dirt but proud :hs:
     
  16. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    :bowdown:

    I just get tired of hearing the "Baby when I get a paycheck I'm gonna do x,y, and z for you" when I know it is not going to happen based on past actions. :hs: It's like a 50-year old rapper waiting to go platinum...it won't happen :mamoru:
     
  17. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    You made a good choice when you chose not to live with him. You sound like you're doing the right things (caring for your son, making sure he gets to see his father, staying employed, etc) - just make sure you celebrate your own successes, too! Take a little of the money you'll save by not paying bills you shouldn't have to pay, and buy yourself something. :)
     
  18. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    self-destructive people fuck up their lives intentionally, if not consciously. break off supporting him (i guess that's obvious after what sportsjunkie said).
     
  19. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    If you continue to give him cash you are facilitating his lifestyle - You're issuing your approval by action regardless of your verbal communication.

    Cut him off. Report his late payments of child support. Find a real father and husband to add to your family.
     
  20. OoOlAlA

    OoOlAlA New Member

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    Now that you told him that MAKE SURE YOU DONT CAVE IN AND GIVE HIM HIS WAY. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. If you give him his way he will know you are not serious about things and can get whatever he wants from you.
     
  21. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    Trust me the child support is well aware he is not paying....the second I find out what his new job is if he ever gets one they will be notified. :bowdown:

    There is no point of locking him up over it, he can't make payments in jail :dunno:

    He will get one more "grocery delivery" next week (no cash though) and that's it. After that I will refer him to the local food bank for food and hand him the washington post jobs sunday section. :hs:
     
  22. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    It might take a boy to make a girl pregnant, but it takes a man to raise a family. He definitly needs to grow up and mature on behalf of his child and you. The time of being irrisponsible is way beyond his age. Its just something he needs to discover for himself. You best not put up with his immature behaviour, to me it looks like you have two sons that need to be raised into adulthood. :hsugh:
     
  23. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    you are right as well :bowdown:

    Ironically, he called me today to let me know he got a credit card (a small limit, maybe $500) and what was the first thing he went and bought? He bought HIMSELF some $75 shoes because he "needed them for his interviews" when he has a pair already that just need to be shined up and of course paid his own cell bill and bought a few groceries. He said the remainder of the credit was for christmas and he was going to buy our son a few things...but still...he thought of HIMSELF first! :ugh2: Didn't even offer to get my son or I anything today....not that we need anything it's the principle :mad:

    That was the nail in the coffin for me :hs: No more. :fawk:
     
  24. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    well here it is christmas....

    Did he get his son anything as promised? No. He maxxed out his card on ordering chinese food and pizzas, etc. because he "had to eat" and "there isn't a grocery store within walking distance" :hsugh: There are buses that run through his neighborhood and a major shopping center within a 20 minute walk of his house, he is just lazy :ugh:

    I bought our son everything he wanted/asked for. My best friend had me come pick up some more gifts for my son yesterday. He asked me to drop by and I was like "I can come by tomorrow with our sonI am over my friends house getting gifts" he was like "tell her I said thank you" and hung up. :sad2: He is just jealous because myself, family, and friends are doing for our son and he is doing nothing. Still no job, only 1 interview next week with yet another temp agency, and he hasn't sent out any applications in the past 2 weeks because "the hiring will pick up after the 1st of the year".

    I will bring our son by for christmas tomorrow for a while, but after that I am through. I am tempted to just file for sole custody (of course visitation allowed I am not that evil) because I do everything by myself anyways :hsughno:

    And no I have not given him any money since the 10th of this month...only $100 which was spent within the week on a playstation controller, a few beers, and subway sandwiches :hsugh:
     
  25. BeHeadR

    BeHeadR Only Slightly Insane

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    Maybe this will teach you not to date felons and get knocked up by them. You knew he lied on his job applications since you were aware of his felony so it shouldn't have come as a surprise that he was going to get caught. You also shouldn't expect him to have any $20/hr job with a felony on his record even if he is qualified (which I doubt he is).

    Stop playing the victim role, you decided to date a felon, have sex with him, then have his baby even though you couldn't financially afford it. Then you are shocked when this felon can't get a job and doesn't pay you child support? :hsugh:

    Just take care of yourself and your kid (who is going to have issues no matter what you do) and get this loser out of your life. If he cares about you or the kid (which he obviously doesn't) he would be working any job he could get such as walmart. Don't pay for his stuff, trust me hes not going to starve, he will just con someone else into buying his food, or he'll actually be forced to get a job. Cut him off.

    Start making better choices, don't sleep with criminals and then have their babies and then have the audacity to act surprised when he doesn't support you. :nono:
     

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