SRS I'm so stupid and I can't stop. [probably long]

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Panoptimist, Nov 14, 2009.

  1. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    You guys are going to bust my nutsack for this, especially you hombres from vgnm.


    I'm kind of considering transferring schools halfway through my junior year in college mainly to be with gf.

    You might remember the posts filled with dysfunction and emotional bile, and the story hasn't really changed.

    Been in relationship 10 mo, straight in love, best friends. I neglected the past two semesters of school because of infatuation. Gpa 3.7 to 3.2 im currently only taking 9 credit hours, not working a job, piece of shit.

    GF moved unexpectedly to NYC to "pursue passion." Been fucked up an unable to function since.

    Devoted all my time this semester to phone calls and visits. But I don't see how I'll be able to perform well in school next semster taking a full load again. But I can't this relationship go.

    I've been seeing a counselor for about a month now and just got prescribed to Lexapro but the insurance company wont cover it so I need some other bullshit alternative. I dont like the idea of meds but I really need something to help with my obsessive thinking so I can start getting on the right track. I'vebeen up and down my whole life and this situation has thrown it out of proportion

    I can't get motivated academically and my resume sucks ass. I want to write in the news/mag industry, english major/journalism-philosophy minor. I used to love school, studying and reading and class anyway, but I never have gotten involved with writing really and dont have a portfolio to present for an internship. I need to get one down here, but I've been so miserable I wasted another semester moping like a bitch and didn't get anything done even though I've had so much time.

    Part of me wants to transfer to NYC to a potentially shittier school, but more options. However, I know deep down that if I haven't done shit here I won't do shit there. But I've felt increasingly worse here as I've always been pretty introverted at the core and let the rest of my life go when went for the girl.

    I've just been feeling so shitty that I've kind come to feel that moving would at least put me in a situation of feeling good enough to start getting involved, nevermind my family is poor and I would lose credits. But deep down I know its bullshit, even though any opportunity is what you make it. I just want to be with my girl so bad, and so does she as shes been just as depressed and done not shit the whole time shes been gone. I know I should stay and either just wait until i graduate and move or wait for her to move back. But i cant take this shit.

    When I think about just breaking it off for the best I wonder why I cant just be mature enough to keep it together just distance ourselves necessarily in the relationship. She certainly doesn't understand how to do that and obviously neither do I. I also wonder if it will fuck me up too much to get over it and do work next semester or if Ill get over it quick as long as I stay involved. I just have such a hard time staying focused, motivated, and emotionally in control. Again, I was hoping for the aide of the meds to encourage the process, but I can't seem to get in touch with the doctor yet.

    Tell me what the fuck is up. I've never been so attached to one person or thing. Never felt so fucked up.
     
  2. baldcahoot

    baldcahoot New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    If you feel like you need to be with her to function, that may be unhealthy co-dependence. If you feel like you want nothing more than to be with her, but you can get by without her, then I say follow your heart man. Or have her come back too.

    By the way, if breaking up is even an option in your mind despite the fact that you're this obsessed, that seems to be odd. Why not just break up then?
     
  3. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    Its not an option, rather a thought. Ultimately I'll try to get her back, but I don't want her to be unhappy in the long run for not doing want she wanted to do.

    And yes, it is a very unhealthy co-dependence.
     
  4. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    Emphasize very.
     
  5. Pepe

    Pepe New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2009
    Messages:
    1,721
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    8 Mile
    don't do it.

    i transferred schools when i was junior status (for different reasons) and it fucking sucks. you lose credits, get even more discouraged, and if this shit with her doesn't work out, you are going to feel even shittier. i know it is tough, but man up and deal with it. you have to think about you right now, and if it is meant to be than it will happen.

    best of luck.
     
  6. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2007
    Messages:
    30,849
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Rhode Island
    You're way too scared of losing her, thats your issue.
     
  7. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    Is she on the same page as you? If theres any doubt she doesnt feel exactly the same way and you both feel you'll eventually get married, don't do it.
     
  8. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    She's on the same page in terms of how we feel about each other.

    She hasn't been doing shit since she left either. Has a photo shoot for Toys R Us or some bullshit next week, but thats about it. She needs to be taking film classes, etc. I just don't understand her decision to move so fast and never will. In a sense I know she regrets it, but on some level I should be not giving a shit about her, only about me and going out with my homeboys. But She's been my only friend for like a year now, left all my other homeboys to the wayside. Now my motivation for school and in social settings is gone. The place here is dead to me. So homogenized, so small. I've wanted to be in the city but I'm still such a child because I'm not considering the reality of living there and the costs. But I truly feel it would be more motivating, even if the relationship dissolves after I move up.

    Though I would lose credits, etc., I feel that being in the city is better for me anyway. I've been an absolute useless piece of shit down here and I don't see myself getting out of this rut. I need to get a job in a restaurant somewhere I guess.

    I just have to be confident in my move because no one else is. But its where I want to be anyway. I feel that the situation will force me to start doing the things I need to do, but only I know (or don't) me.
     
  9. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    Expenses are an issue but I chose a school that costs about the same as this one.
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think the first step would be to stop calling yourself a useless piece of shit. Say that often enough and you'll believe it.

    The second step would be to ask yourself (and maybe others) what would someone who isn't a useless piece of shit do in the same situation.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    :uh: I was wondering where you've been...now I know why you disappeared

    I really wish you were stronger
     
  12. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    headsmack.gif

    I can't afford to live there if I can't afford to live here.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    What happened to her going to LA for that stupid show?
     
  14. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    She went to L.A. Didn't casted.
     
  15. depht

    depht SpaceGhostPurrp

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2001
    Messages:
    13,213
    Likes Received:
    47
    Location:
    Queensbridge
    Do not change your life based on someone elses, especially if it's a non-married relationship.

    A few years ago I moved to a different city to be with my girlfriend at the time. Everything was great, and everything went well.

    However, we are no longer together and in turn I was over $10,000 in debt over her (could not get a job for a long time, went crazy on credit cards and some I already had balances on). I gave up a career, where I would now be the manager of my department and making at least double what I do now.

    Plus a mess of other stuff. I regret giving up that career more than anything else in this world.
     
  16. Stuff

    Stuff New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2003
    Messages:
    3,438
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston
    She's living her life, when are you going to start living yours?
     
  17. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    My move to the city will be when I start living my life.

    I was very independent until with her. But its the intimacy and friendship and passion that I cannot part with.

    I know I don't want to be in this rural shithole anymore, I planned on moving to the city after undergrad. I just fucked up the past couple of semesters and need the change now.

    If she leaves I know getting over it will be easier in the city. But we're planning on moving in together, so...

    Anyway, I've got a plan for my life once I move. It will be a financial struggle but the city is really where I need to be. I know the change will help me grow in a positive manner and I'm much more encouraged to get involved with school and writing next semester in the city. I really can't stand these small rural areas anymore. So bleak and bland.
     
  18. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    She has no solid future plans. I still do.

    Her looks will get her so far in the acting world but she's been encouraged by some guy giving her class and private lessons. If she decides to fuck a producer for a 3 minute slot on Law and Order I'll just invite a few east village whores to the studio and have bearfantasy
     
  19. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    No matter where you go, there you are.

    You're looking at this move to the city as being your cure but one thing you've failed to take into account is that you have to take you with you. You can't run away from you.....ok sure you can use this woman to make you forget about you and your shit.....many people also use booze.
     
  20. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2004
    Messages:
    5,427
    Likes Received:
    0
    How are you gonna pay for the added cost of living in ny?
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    .
     
  22. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    Work. Small loans.

    I still have money in savings for school which is actually a few hundred dollars cheaper there. Rent will be close to what I'm paying here (305/mo). I have no problem eating pasta and chicken and oatmeal every day.


    As far as I am who I am no matter where I go, that certainly is true. I can't deny the truth of the statement. However, I do believe that living in the city is a better environment for me at this point. I cannot be in this small town any longer. The only thing getting me through in the first place was the thought of moving to the city after undergrad. Sure, I was doing well in classes before I met homegirl, but that's about it. I feel that the move to the city will be good for me, regardless of what happens with my relationship. I believe that it is the situation I need to thrive in. I like the lifestyle of city living, I like the people, I like the energy. It's stimulating and encouraging if you make it. It's been harder to find that here in this small town. Very homogeneous. It's just that mentally I'm no longer here. I don't want to be here.

    I'm gonna have to move home if I don't get accepted into school there when they review my transcript next week. I don't know if my poor performances these past two semesters are going to cost me my admission or not. I know my parents know that there's nothing for me at home and my mother will encourage me to go to the city and work full time bussing tables or painting rooms until I can get into school again. But I think that everything will fall into place for me.
     
  23. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2004
    Messages:
    5,427
    Likes Received:
    0
    305 is cheap. I say do it as long as you have enough liquid money to cover all your expenses for at least a couple months with nothing coming in.
     
  24. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    I remember your story. I predict things are going to turn out not as you think they will, but sometimes the best way to find that out is to just go out and do it and live and learn. good luck in NYC
     
  25. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2005
    Messages:
    16,807
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York Shitfaced.
    Damn.

    When I get good and baked and slow down and do the retrospective thing, I realize how things could have been, should have been. I love this girl, but I shouldn't have spent all of this time out of my mind. It has completely thrown me off track academically and socially. I've burnt a few bridges the past years and that's something I have to face. But the whole situation has ruined the school, the roll, the experience. I feel trapped and helpless here.

    I've basically decided that I'm leaving and have had my apartment listed for rent as my roommate is moving out as well. I'm planning on spending the weekend and beginning of next week doing a direct admittance to the college which I have to do in person. As I'm 400 miles away I've got to drive, or fly (money I don't have). I've done nothing this semester but feel shitty, act shitty, think shitty. For some reason I don't want to be here any more. I've lost so much it's like, shit. However, if I stay at school here next semester I will be able to retake classes and bring up my gpa from 3.2 back to 3.7 (hopefully). That means I stay here and graduate. Part of me thinks that is the right thing to do. Part of me really thinks that being in the city works out. But realistically I guess that poses massive fail. However, I do think the situation, at least at first will be positive in terms of motivating me. I know that I will be able to balance things enough. However, I don't know if its too late. If my shitty two semesters and then transfer will fuck up my chances for grad school. But I really think that if I do extremely well at the new school and get extremely involved and stay (pro)active and build up the resume I will still have a chance at a decent grad program and just explain everything in a cover letter. It can work.

    I am worried about possibly being rejected and then fucked, but I meet the criteria and beyond so I'm hoping it will be a non-issue. I've been so focused on this situation that I've literally done absolutely nothing for two semesters - I took only 9 hours worth of credits and am worried that my attendance (or lack thereof) will affect my grade in a really negative way. I have a report due tomorrow on a book I haven't read, exam on books I haven't read, etc. I still don't think I'm failing, but it's like I shouldn't have been in school. But I know I WANT to be in school. I just need a new scene. I was going to move anyway (apply for grad school in the city) now I just feel like its the best thing to get out of the situation now. Anything is possible if you dedicate yourself - it's true.

    However, I do have the option of staying here, finding a single subleaser (a girl today called me and said she needed a room, following that up with an "I don't have a car or a bed right now, my cellphone was stolen and I'm calling you from the house that I take a shower at but I can pay a deposit - do you have to pay a deposit? When can I move in? I can move in now") and staying here and finishing out my undergrad, possibly replacing some shitty grades (I don't even know if I'll get credit for these three classes I'm taking if I transfer but maybe the extra time will be good for me). However, I really do feel stranded and horrible here. Like I said, even if my relationship went sour up north I know I could climb the rocks to solid ground. Here I really feel desperate. I know it all comes down to attitude but I really feel bad here. I've sought counseling this semester and it's been pretty much like every time I've sought psychological help (I've had a decent guy though back before I moved away for school). This guy actually made me think "take a seat" every time I shook his hand and smiled into his beady little eyes. He was nice enough though. Extremely passive. Like a triscuit, really. A wet triscuit. I ended up speaking with him because I could not get prescribed drugs immediately - I could find no local psychiatrist without hassle here and both I and my family were of the mind to just hop on meds asap). The deal was that if I met with him three times and he thought they might help, he would hook me up with the school psychiatrist - who would "absolutely not prescribe ADD medications of any sort especially adderall" (he stressed that point) but would prescribe some SSRIS.

    So's I got a meeting with the pill doctor. This guy acted like he had somewhere to be when he met with me and I left the room 15 minutes later with a Lexapro prescription. To make a long story short, my insurance company would not cover that expensive drug so they requested an alternative. Well it took me about two weeks of trying to get in touch with this asshole every day at three different locations to get his bitch ass to call in an alternative. He put in Paxil xr. They didn't want me to be on real paxil because that too was too expensive. So he prescribed me to generic XR. Which took another two weeks for him to call in. Of course the insurance companies didn't want to cover xr either so he put me on 10mg twice a day of paraxtine. Well you know me - in a manner of speaking - and after spending 10 minutes on the 'net I said "fuck this shit." I want to fix my life without becoming fucked on some other drug. I believe it can be done. I can't even remember where I was going with this, let me scroll up...

    Well, so I feel that if I go through with this and truly dedicate myself I will grow stronger and things can work out. If my relationship goes sour, I feel that I could maintain (how hard is it to fill up a cup of coffee?) through school as a single person. However I feel that it can work too. I'm dedicated to going, but when I take bingers of fuzz it makes me think. I don't know what would happen to the relationship if I said now "well, I'm actually staying, don't worry about finding our new apartment - good luck finding a good one, I love you," but I really love this girl. I see strengths that I know are there that just need to be harnessed. I'm thinking really she'll go back to school within a few years. Not my problem. I just get this feeling when I think about learning and working and existing in the city. I dunno. /ramble

    1. You do not have permission to perform this action. Please refresh the page and login before trying again.
     

Share This Page