SRS I'm so fed up with my mother-in-law

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Apothis, Jan 28, 2009.

  1. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Basically, my wife's mother bases her whole life on superstition and old wive's tales. She's just ridiculous. But hey, if that's how she wants to live, oh well. But she expects everyone else to abide by her standards and "experience". She THINKS she knows so much, when really she doesn't know shit. Sure, she's right about some things, but I'm finding that she's wrong a lot more than she's right.

    A few months ago, I bought a large house. My wife wanted her mom to move in and sold me some fake story about how it would be a good idea (it would save me money, convenience, etc), and sold her mom a very different story (I'm incompetent with the kids and "need" her help).

    Now that we've been a big happy family living together, she is wearing on my patience more and more. She treats me like an inexperienced idiot because I don't subscribe to her nonsense, and thinks I'm an uncaring negligent parent because I don't force the kids to also subscribe to it.

    This is my damn house and sure enough she thinks she runs it. But I can't stand up to her NEARLY as much as I feel the need to or it causes problems with my marriage (my wife already threatened to leave me over the holidays).

    I just felt compelled to write this a few minutes ago with the latest "afront". My little girl wanted a drink. She has a very very rare cough, due to getting over being sick a couple of days. She's fine now. She already had a cup of kool-aid in the fridge, so I gave that to her. Then my loony bitch of an in-law gives me grief about how "cold drinks will make her sicker" and literally takes it out of my hand while talking to me like a child.

    I've gotten in the habit of researching every damn thing she says like that so I can know for sure if its true or nonsense (if I choose to call her on it). So far, almost every one has been crap, this one included. She also thinks that walking around in bare feet = any and all kind of sickness. She has all kinds of "experienced wisdom" like this. And like I said, I wouldn't care if that's how SHE wanted to live, but my kids actually get in trouble for this stuff. Hell, I get in trouble for it. WTF.

    I don't know how much more I can take this. I can't express enough how much I want her out of my house, but I don't see any way for that to happen that won't result in me losing my family. She's threatened to leave also, but I don't think she will. I'm very sure my wife would leave before her (with the kids). I think I just have to wait for her to die or something.

    My wife can already be enough of a bitch on her own. She's like her mom in more ways than I'd like, and I think the more time they spend together, the more alike the become. I can generally handle my wife, but both of them at once? And her mom is like her x 3 at least. My father-in-law usually avoids her like the plague and keeps to himself, and it's not hard to see why. I have no problem with him. But her .. :madfawk:
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2009
  2. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

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    I read this far and I can tell already that you need to seriously consider divorce. The rest of your post just confirmed it.

    What ethnicity is wife & MIL? I've got a good guess, because your story sounds eerily similar to mine.
     
  3. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    They are hispanic.

    In one argument, she so strongly pointed out how I "need to learn how things are done in this family". Not MY family. HER family.
     
  4. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

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    I figured. You're fucked. I've been there. It will NOT get better.

    PM if you have further questions, but I doubt your at the breaking point to take the action you need to in order to save yourself.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I went into omfg mode when you said your mother in law moved into your house, wtf are you crazy? I've heard of guys moving half across the world to be as far removed from the mother in law as possible and you invite her in? Seriously unless the mother in law is the sweetest person in the world you might consider, but even that is out of the question. You need to live your own life man! Not that of your mother in law :eek3:
     
  6. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Can't afford a "real" babysitter. So she used to charge me $225/mo, which I thought was BS (never heard of a grandma who required payment to watch her own grandkid). But it was still cheaper than taking her to daycare, and I don't want the baby watched by strangers anyway. At least not until she can talk reliably.

    So, it saves me money to have her here because I don't have to pay her anymore, and it's convenient because I don't have to drive across town to drop off the kiddo on the way to work. And she might even have been useful to help keep the place clean. She also pays like $300/mo rent to my wife. This wasn't my idea, it was my wife's, but these were my reasons for not objecting. Also, both in-laws are having increasing money and health problems. Who knows how much longer they would have been able to stay on their own anyway. They also save money by being here. Of course, what I DIDN'T know was the story my wife told her mom to get her to move. It was SO SELFLESS of her mom to move in here to HELP ME OUT BECAUSE I SUCK SO MUCH AS A PARENT because I can't cook as many different things as them. Somehow, miraculously enough, they have managed to continue to grow strong and healthy, do their homework, and get to bed on time under my care. But to hear it from them, it's amazing the kids haven't died over the past few years.

    The two older kids are step-kids. Their standard of living has DRAMATICALLY improved since I came into the picture. They were literally in the ghetto with their mom before me, with gun shots outside at least once a week at 3am. I came in and, over the last few years, have finally gotten the family into a nice house in a nice neighborhood. And do I get any respect or gratitude for that? Hell no. My wife and her mom act like I'll never be anything other than an incompetent lazy inexperienced doofus.

    HA. There my wife just went again. Because I'm sitting down writing this, my wife just told her mom "if you don't watch her, nobody does" (in reference to me, about our daughter). She always talks crap like that, not "to me", but "about me" and making sure I heard it. God forbid I take a few minutes to gripe about her mom. She was too busy playing the Wii. But I'm "on the computer", which is somehow worse than anything else one might do in the house.
     
  7. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

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    Let me guess, you can't say anything bad about MIL or wife will go off on you, tell you how your family is cold and you need to learn the "right" way.

    If MIL doesn't get what she wants, she will play manipulation games with her daughter, saying "you don't love me," "you're not a good daughter" etc. until your wife gives in.

    Your wife has a short temper, cannot control herself when angry and refuses to take responsibility for herself and her actions.
     
  8. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    I am, more or less, "not allowed" to confront the MIL. Basically, anything that needs to be said should come from my wife, and if I jump in, then they both turn on me. She fights with her mom all the time. They aren't exactly allies. But I auto-lose if their fight involves me in ANY way (whether I dare to have a thought on the matter, or if it is ABOUT me). Even if my wife starts out kind of defending me, she ultimately takes her mom's side against me. I've told the MIL off pretty good before and she no longer wishes to "be talked to like that", so she saves most of her complaints to throw at her daughter behind my back, and then I hear about it x2 from my wife.

    My wife does tend to get mad easy and holds a grudge way better than me ..and I used to think I was pretty good at it. She can easily go weeks giving me the cold shoulder, hardly saying anything to me, not saying she loves me, not saying bye when she leaves, etc. And she is a remarkable hypocrite at times. She demonizes me for things that she herself is worse about. But hers is a pretty black/white world. No grey area. It's ALL my fault, and she and the rest of the family are completely blameless. (and she definitely learned that act from her mom). She has called her mom out on it, but won't admit that she does the exact same thing. Her mom doesn't listen when she says it, and she doesn't listen when I say it.
     
  9. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

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    I was in your situation. Never had MIL live with me, but I know exactly what you're going through. I could go on and on explaining exactly what you're experiencing and what you're in for.

    It got to the point where I started to believe there was something wrong with me when in the end I was getting taken advantage of like a fool.

    All I can tell you is that things are not going to get better. The more you give in, the deeper the hole you're digging.

    I'm not some atheist who thinks nothing of marriage. I grew up Catholic and still believe strongly in marriage, but the sooner you get divorced the better. Life is beautiful, don't waste it dealing with this shit.

    Since I'm beginning to sound like a broken record I'll stop, but please, think about what I'm telling you. It took me 4 years after putting the picture together to finally make the right move. My hope is that I can save someone else the trouble.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Time for divorce. This is not a healthy environment for your daughter.

    I could go on and on, but you already know what needs to be done.
     
  11. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    I'm interested in learning what I can. Think you could throw in a little of what I'm in for? Also, got kids? That's probably the biggest thing I'm afraid of. I can't afford to call any bluffs about leaving. My wife's ex-husband really got screwed. He's raped by child support and has almost vanished from his kids lives. I hate the guy, mind you. I say good riddance. But I won't deny how screwed he got, and I have no doubt my wife wouldn't hesitate to turn me into part-2 of him if I let things go that far.

    I can't let that happen. I can't let her financially ruin me while taking my baby away and getting her a new daddy. I don't think I have much legal recourse in that area though. I very much doubt that I'd win a legal fight against her if it came to that, and I haven't yet figured out how much "outside" of that I'd actually be willing to go. It just seems better to do all I can to keep my family together ..but I have my limits. I try to compromise and pick my fights, but I have to take a stand sometimes.

    Sure my wife has some bad traits from her mom, but it's usually not so bad when she's not being directly manipulated by her every day.

    And btw, I AM an atheist, and I take marriage seriously. We agreed to be bound together until death do us part, raising a family and building a life as best we can, and I meant it.
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    You're fucked. I "really really" hate saying that. I don't like cutting someone's entire life down to a cliche, but I've seen this before hundreds, if not thousands of times.

    I've seen this movie, so let me tell you how it ends. Your wife "will" stick with her mother. She'll divorce you, she'll take half, and she'll take the kids. You'll be stuck with car payments, house payments, credit card payments (many of which are hers), and you'll become a bi-weekend dad, and that's if you're lucky.

    People like her usually not only divorce, but usually move far away to put the final nail in the coffin.

    Act fast before you lose everything.

    I'm sure you mean well and that you're sincere -- and I'm sure you keep your word, but in this world virtures don't mean anything when wielded by the naive. Virtues don't actually protect you from truth.

    People break promises, people lie, people cheat, and in-laws drive wedges between marriages, with wives moving across the country, filing restraining orders, and taking you for alimony, child support, and leaving you with the debt. Their quality of life will continue to climb, because now they've got "you" to foot the bill and not only that, but they've got the law there to make sure that you "do" foot the bill.

    The irony is, women like this move from one guy to the next. The prior guy is "always" looked at like an abusive, cruel monster who abandoned his family. You'll soon become that guy, when she's telling her new man about how awful "her ex" is.

    You mark my words, this is one of those stories that never has a twist. It's as predictable as the sun will rise and set.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2009
  13. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    if your parents/in-laws aren't capable of taking care of themselves, then there's no need for them to move in with you period. so yea....horrible mistake on that end to begin with.


    hate to say it, but man up and tell the wife and MIL how you feel. if the MIL doesn't like her, boot her...if the wife doesn't like it, then tell her to go with her mother. crap like that pisses me off. you're doing her a favor by letting her live with you. tell her that

    but first you need to have a hearty conversation with you wife and tell her how you really feel and what needs to be done. start laying down some words...it's your house, your child and you will do what you please
     
  14. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

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    I can't tell you what you're in for in the divorce process, you need to speak with an attorney.

    Remember how your wife told her mom the you were a bad parent and she needs help? Well, I bet her ex wasn't half as bad as she told you he was. She goes through life the victim of everyone else's "abuse." I bet she even gets upset when someone in a grocery store or shopping mall gives her a funny look.
     
  15. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    As sure as the sun will rise and set. You've seen this movie too.
     
  16. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Maybe I'm just a coward. Maybe it's hard to be brave when you still have so much to lose. Most of my money was wiped out in getting this house, so I don't have much money she could take me for currently, but there are some assets, like the house, and the new car I got her more recently. Even when I was rolling in money I didn't get much respect, then I got laid off after getting the house and car. I've been out of work a little over a month and that hasn't helped things. I start a new job for less money next week. I hope to start asserting myself more after I see how things go with that.
     
  17. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    Mom in law needs to go. DONT ruin your children by divorcing. You made babies and they are your responsibility, fix this problem and raise your kids.
     
  18. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    is she not working? why is it your money and not "our" money?
    why are you buying her a car?
     
  19. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    That's the general goal.
     
  20. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    Wife works, but has never made as much as me. Though for the past month, it's all been on her and that has not improved her opinion of me. Funny thing is when she was in between jobs a couple years ago before this one, I never gave her crap about it.

    I've actually wanted us to combine money to some degree (we used to use a joint checking, but she doesn't like me keeping such a close eye on her expenses and then "telling her how she can spend her money". She does not believe in saving long-term, only for short-term things like the next vacation.

    But me trying to save for some kind of retirement so we don't have to move in with our kids like her parents, ..that's being greedy/cheap/selfish. I do think I've at least gotten her to take over the new car payment though, since it is "her" car after all. The more bills I can get her to pay, the more I have left to save. Somebody has to, and it obviously won't be her.
     
  21. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    wow...this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all

    maybe you two need counseling
     
  22. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    warning bell #1.

    warning sign #2.

    warning sign #3

    warning sign #4.




    you are so fucked if you don't get her out of your house. you need to explain to your wife that your marriage is (should be?) more important than her mother living with you. but everything you said above says she either won't hear it or will leave. you've got tough choices ahead....good luck.
     
  23. Cock Diesel

    Cock Diesel New Member

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    This is pretty much your future, if you both manage to stay together. Your FIL has learned to deal with her with distance. But shutting her and the MIL out emotionally and somewhat physically isn't gonna stave off the inevitable Shit Sandwitch Supreme you are about to be force-fed. Everyone here is pretty much on the mark. You. Are. Fucked.

    Confronting the MIL isn't going to make a bit of difference except leave your wife clinging harder to her side. If the wife can't see how the MIL's tainting your marriage, then she's not going to do anything other than blindly follow whatever her mother says. Eventually, the MIL will plant the divorce seed in your wife's head, if it isn't there already.

    Confronting your wife isn't going to make a bit of difference, since she'll just run to her mother, complaining about how you're being a big jerkoff and everything. See the above.

    As I said, distancing yourself emotionally and physically -- a.k.a. "staying the fuck out of the way" -- isn't going to work that well, not in the long run, at least. If MIL is the kind of person to pick and keep picking, they'll do just that no matter what. Wifey will start wondering why you're suddenly becoming so cold to her and start running around with someone she thinks is more "emotionally available".

    You are fucked. I personally don't know how you can talk to a divorce attorney and prepare your assets for the inevitable clusterfuck without tipping them off. But you will go down this road one day, unless a miracle happens. Those are pretty hard to come by. :sadwavey:
     
  24. Cock Diesel

    Cock Diesel New Member

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    Big warning bell. She has no problem with lying to your face in order to further her agenda. So, what else has she lied to you about?
     
  25. Bacardi 151

    Bacardi 151 New Member

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    Sad story. I don't see how this will end well for you. :(
     

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