SRS im slowly coming to terms with myself....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by DesignerAddic71, Apr 17, 2005.

  1. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    let me just start off by saying that it never ceases to amaze me how much more open i am here on OT than i am in real life. its as if every thread i start here in the asylum is like an entry into my own little e-journal and the responses you guys give are the thoughts that i need to tell myself, but dont have the nerve to (after all, the truth does hurt)....moving on...

    i just came home from having sex with a man i hardly even know.

    the scary part is that tonight isnt the first time i can say that sentence applies to me. i first started having sex 2 years ago when i was 18. i was completely in love with my first, and he ended up leaving me for his ex (who wouldnt give it up) only about a month after he took my virginity. i havent quite been the same ever since. i dont know if i can pinpoint that as the moment i started seeing men differently, but its always in the back of my mind.

    in the past 2 years since i lost my virginity i have been with a total of 11 men (including the guy i was just with). i know i am a beautiful young lady with so much potential to live up to, but i seem to seek comfort and my self-confidence in the company of men. to 10 of the 11, i play it off as if it is just sex to me-nothing more, nothing less. i pretend to have this guard up where nothing they do can hurt me. where it doesnt bother me that im good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be the girlfriend. but deep down its tearing me up.

    and every time i fuck up like i did tonight, i ask myself why it is i do the things that i do and i can never come up with an answer. i think this is playin a part in the depression that i have been experiencing. the past month or so have definitely been a low point in my life as well as in my progression to leading a happy life. im damn near crying right now-and i dont normally cry.

    i dont know what i expect to come of this thread, but i needed to get this off my chest and you guys have always been helpful. sorry for the vent....
     
  2. Budha

    Budha Guest

    You are more open here because you have a screen blocking you from reality, therefore its easier to tell people your feelings. Food for thought.
     
  3. I understand what you mean about sex. I do and have done the same thing for many of the same reasons. During sex I can be very impersonal and very detached. If you give them your body, but refuse to give them your heart then it's impossible for them to hurt you. Like me, you've probably been hurt but still crave that desire to connect with someone. Through sex you may think you're safe, but the truth is your still vunerable.

    This is an awful way to live though, and while being vunerable has it's downfalls so does allowing people to use you. When you keep everyone, including those who may sincerely care, from ever really touching your heart and loving you the way you deserve to be loved, you toxify yourself and decimate your character. .
     
  4. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    you are completely correct and right on point. but how do i get that same feeling without sacraficing my body? im sure there is a really obvious and simple answer to this, but i cant seem to do it.
     
  5. There is no simple answer that I'm aware of, that's why it's become a problem of such seriousness. Counseling is where I go to continue chipping away at reasons I do what I do. Even in knowing why I do some things, it doesn't make it any easier to move through these experiences to a place where I can feel better.
     
  6. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    i've done the counseling thing, and while we discussed many of the issues that have led to my current depression, i could never bring myself to tell her about this aspect of my life. im very ashamed of myself for acting the way that i do and i didnt want her to think anything less of me. and i know i shouldnt approach counseling like that. she is there to help me through my problems, i shoudnt be worried about disappointing her, but i cant help it. i just feel so lost and disappointed in myself...
     
  7. See what I mean about knowing? Knowing doesn't make it any easier to go through it. You're experiencing that yourself, and it's such a frustrating place to be. You know where to get help, and you know what needs to be done, but you're not ready to actually do it.

    You'll have to wait until you can find away to get to a place where you can cover these topics with your specialist. Until then, it's just surviving the unhappiness and discomfort. If you can't find away, the pain will eventually force you to make a change. So, either way - a solution is on the way.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Knowing something (your intellect) doesn't keep the pain away (emotions).

    Hopefully you use it to realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
    But you still have to endure the emotional pain anyway.
     
  9. Also, we're here for you to lean on while you go through the up and down periods. We can't endure it for you, but we can be supportive of you while you do what you need to do. I know you can't go any faster through this than you're capable, and so we'll just ride along as a passenger to help you pass the time. Not to mention it's nice having someone to talk with while you go.
     
  10. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    What you want is for someone to love you, to want you, to need you... and you get the immediate gratification of that want through sex.... but when its over, you regret it, because it wasn't real

    To find that connection without having sex with someone, volunteer at a nursery or some such organisation, where you can work with people, who'll come to love you, want you and and need you, without any sexual demands placed on you.

    That's the true gratification, getting that love/want/need without anything expected in return
     
  11. This just quite possibly may be one of the best ideas to consider while also continuing to do your therapy and working on some of the other things you're doing. What a wonderful way to supplement your recovery by giving unconditionally of yourself and in return possibly receiving some of the deeper connections you've been hoping for through the work you do?
     
  12. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I know that that's how I finally beat my depression and need for someone to love me... I started volunteering at my cousin's church, watching the four year olds while the parents were in service... i was raised christian, but I wouldnt really classify myself as one now, but I found it to be extremely rewarding... children especially, will give you love, all you need to do is be kind and loving to them
     
  13. Sounds very rewarding. Plus it helps cultivate qualities that good men find very attractive in a woman! You hear that Designer Addict? :cool:
     
  14. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    hear ya loud and clear metallic and novulae. i was actually thinking of doing something like big brothers/big sisters, but since i have such distorted views on men, i wasnt sure if im the best influence for a little girl....
     
  15. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    just be sure you don't pass on your negativities and such... focus on her, on loving her, and you wont do her any harm
     
  16. I think you'll be able to handle a responsibility like that. The subject of men should not come up. If it does on the child's behalf, then you know to carefully choose your words.
     

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