SRS I'm sad about upcoming abortion

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Doobian, Oct 17, 2005.

  1. Doobian

    Doobian d00bian member

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    I'll try to keep this short.

    My gf and I have been dating for about 3 years. We've been living together for about 1 1/2 years. She's gonna be 29 im gonna be 26. Our relationship is like most others; ups and downs but overall a great relationship.

    At the beginning of last month we found out she was pregnant. I was excited, nervous, scared and everything else that comes with finding out you're having a baby. We schedule her for an appointment w/ the doctor for confirmation about the home-test. We find out she's 11 weeks pregnant. After that time we talked about things. She had a few financial concerns about us surviving with a baby. She wouldn't let me tell anyone about it because she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep it. I told her how I felt. I really wanted to keep the baby. I did tell her one thing that I regret saying now. I said " It's up to you, im not going to make you have a baby you don't want. All I can do is tell you how I feel". Even though I said i'd support her in her decision, I didnt realize how hard it'd be. Especially after how things pointed towards keeping it. ie) picking out names, her not talking about abortions, thinking of a bigger place to move to etc.

    Last Wednesday she had a follow up appoinment (at this week she's 13 weeks) that I could not attend. On Thursday she told me she made an appointment to have an abortion THIS Thursday and Friday.(two days because of how far along she is already) I was very upset. I was both angry at her and sad that we're not having a baby.

    I haven't even talked to her these past few days. I've slept on the living room couch since then. She just gets me soo mad. I've done so much for her since we found out she was pregnant. She'd make me go out at get her food and do things for her because she used the pregnancy as an excuse. Right now I hate being around her. Am I wrong to be feeling this? Will it go away?

    Another thing is; she already has a six year old son who splits time between her and the boys dad. He's a great kid who I enjoy having around. But since this happened i've started to resent him. I have feelings of not wanting to take care of him anymore. To just treat him like a total stranger kid.

    The last thing that gets to me is the fact that my sister just had a baby. She's two months and adorable. But when I see her It makes me very sad to think I'm not having one. She's my parents first grandchild and my parents are so in love with her. I felt as if i could have brought my parents that same happiness too. But I won't.

    Now I have nobody to talk to about this because nobody (except gf's sisters) knows she is pregnant. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone that MY gf would actually have an abortion. Should I be supportive of her decision even though I don't agree with it? Would I be wrong to break up w/ her because of this?

    cliffs: gf is 3 month pregnant and has an appointment to have an abortion. I dont want her to go through with it. Im sad and pissed at her. How should i feel?
     
  2. whitepearl

    whitepearl OT Supporter

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    tell her you dont want to get to have an abortion before it's too late

    i mean like, REALLY tell her.
     
  3. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Agreed, you need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel.
    It may be hard, but you're going to need to support her with her decision too.
    Good luck with everything!

    edit:do you think your relationship can survive this? What about 'next time' (God forbid there ever BE a next time). It is only a decision you can make (staying with her or not),think long and hard before you make that decision though.
    Why the sudden change of heart? Did she schedule one because she is terrified (of everything to come)?
     
  4. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    This may come across as cold hearted, but she has valid concerns if she thinks the two of you are not ready to support this new life yet.

    I can't imagine how painful it is for you as a potential father to feel the joy of expectation, but think about her. She's the one that has to endure the term of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and quite possibly the risk of full childcare if you may end up splitting on her later on.

    This is not an easy decision for her too I'm sure of that. :noes:
     
  5. whitepearl

    whitepearl OT Supporter

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    But still, she had no right to decide that w/o talking to him 1st, esp knowing that he wanted to keep that baby...yet she went and scheduled it anyway?
     
  6. Doobian

    Doobian d00bian member

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    Ill talk to her again about it. But she knows I want to keep it. I've told her straight out. I don't know if our relationship can stand it if i continue to feel like this. We've had arguments before, but this time i truly am frustrated with her and am having doubts about how serious she is about our relationship.
    Her reason for not wanting to keep the baby is because she doesnt think we'd make it financially. We split the bills right now and if she were to take time off from work, it could hurt us financially, but it's nothing too much we wont be able to handle.

    btw: thanks for everyones help
     
  7. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Babies press EVERYONE financialy ;) I'm sure she's experienced that before though since she already has a son.
    No, I don't think it was right for her to schedule one without really discussing her intentions with you first, but my impression is that she's really freaked out about it.
    I can understand you having doubts, but do you think that her doubts are about the pregnancy or about your relationship?
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    If you're thinking of breaking up with her over this decision, then I think you've already convinced me that she's made the right decision not to have a baby with you.

    You need to support her unconditionally, even if you don't agree with a choice she's made.

    Especially when there are children in the picture. Prior to having children...go nuts, I am fully supportive of breaking it off if you feel the need.
     
  9. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Finances should never ever be an abortion related issue.
    That's just chicken shit.
    IMO
     
  10. PaZzEsCo

    PaZzEsCo New Member

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    You absolutely need to talk with her about your feelings now! An abortion is forever, and I know this first hand. I had an abortion 3 1/2 years ago. I did it because the father did not want the child but I did but I got the abortion. It has been a while but every day I still feel hurt and upset that I did it. The father has since then come to me and told me that he made the biggest mistake of his life and he also feels the same pain of sadness and guilt that I feel. This is a decision that will forever be on yours and your girlfriends shoulders. Talk to her, let her know how you feel and tell her that this is a decision she really needs to think about!!
     
  11. AshLee

    AshLee New Member

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    I almost feel it is wrong in a way to have an abortion when you already have one child. However, i completely and totally understand why she thinks this is the correct decision for her. A while ago I had a fear of being pregnant and it really threw me for a loop you think about your choices and decisions all day everyday. i was one of the lucky ones because i didnt have to decide luckily, it just turned out to be a false alarm. maybe, you should discuss with her your feelings and you wanting to have a baby. what does she have to say about you sleeping on the couch? does she know why? talk it out. let her know you want to be there and you want everything to do with this baby, from this thread alone you dont seem like one of the horrible guys that would just abandon her and leave her to financially take care of it. I say tell her how you TOTALLY FEEL about this before the abortion. Because, it is very possible you will resent her and the child for the rest of your relationship and I can see this as a major deal breaker for you. I know it would plague me for sure.
     
  12. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I agree and disagree with your first paragraph there.
    Having an abortion is a HUGE thing, and I can completely understand how someone who is totaly against it would not want to be with someone who wants to abort their child.
    Terminating a pregnancy isn't a small decision though. She must have her reasons. It's too bad the two of you can't work them out together.
     
  13. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I think it's an important consideration though Puppycat, and I say this all with the most sincerety for all the women here who've had to deal with this decision. I fear the life of any child coming up into a situation where they can't be given the life it deserves. I think sometimes the mom makes the choice for her little one not to have to go through that at all. It's a painful choice, but ultimately one made out of love.

    Ultimately in a situation like this where there's going to be one person who wants to keep the child and the other one who doesn't..... I'd have to give precedence to the woman. She's the one with the new life being carried in her body.
     
  14. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    johan, i usually agree with you, but I don't here. A baby belongs to the both of them, not just her. He has every right to expect to have a final say in the matter.

    But, one thing gives me pause. They've been going out with eachother for THREE years. Has marriage ever been mentioned? why aren't they married yet? three years is more than enough time to decide whether someone is right for you or not.

    Them not being married could be a very strong factor in her decision to have an abortion - there's no guarantee he's not going to leave her just like the last one did.

    About supporting her unconditionally, a relationship has give and take, he DID support her unconditionally, but she went out and made a decision that affected him, without consulting him. And this is no small decision either. They are getting close to the period in life where a woman starts having difficulty getting pregnant, also, they're approaching a point where they will be looking at being in their middle ages while raising a teenager

    the clock is ticking
     
  15. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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    You don't really know how hard it is to think you are going to have a kid, picking out names even, and then have that shatterd, do you? If you did, you would understand. Its a very heartbreaking thing.
     
  16. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I want you to call her, tell her that you want to keep the baby, even if she breaks up with you, tell you want to take care of the baby entirelly on your own. You can save a life here. Its not solemnly her choice its 50%-50% for you and for her have a saying in it, just because she is carrying in it, doesn't make her the sole person who decides about it. HURRY, there's only a few days left before your child gets killed. I would be 24/7 on the phone with her from now on, don't give up its your child we are talking about!!!!!
     
  17. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Do you know what it's like to give up a child? I know what it's like for my own child to leave me for visitation and that is very hard (honestly), I can't imagine giving birth and letting the father take it. PLUS it sounds like she only has her own son half of the time, maybe she just doesn't want that to happen again.
    Sadly, it is her decision 100%. There is nothing he can do to force her to carry this pregnancy.
     
  18. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I absolutely disagree, there have been court cases about this issue. You are killing a completely healthy child , against a parents wish. Its not her decision 100%, did she managed to get a baby on her own or was a dad involved in the making? Exactly that is why dad gets a 50% saying in the case wether she likes it or not. Giving up the child is exactly NOT what i want her to do, there's no reason even if it would have been given up for adoption is better then just killing it for naught, the father wants the child and maby the mother will decide otherwhise in the future. Life is a precious gift, sending A baby to the trashcan isn't a first option here.
     
  19. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    qft

    at the same time, however, challenging her decision in court virtually guarantees an end to the relationship (probably doomed already though) and that has to raise the child on his own

    not saying that should stop him, just a consideration
     
  20. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I never said anything about adoption. BUT if she doesn't want a child and you are suggesting she have the baby and hand it over to him to raise, it might as well be. Only now she will have to deal with the consequences of that (knowing she has a baby, supporting that baby which she already seems concerned about etc).
    Do you have any links about those court cases? I am genuinely interested in reading about them.
     
  21. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/ Fathers4justice is the organisation which has many daddies fighting for equal ownership of the child. A lot of times children are automatically appointed to the mother because the court still has a traditional background of believing that a mother can provide a better future , which is not always the case. http://slate.msn.com/?id=2069132
     
  22. Doobian

    Doobian d00bian member

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    I've only thought about it because of my emotions. It just hurts so much looking at her right now. I want to get over it and try to be supportive, but I just can't. You can't blame me for feeling like this; let alone thinking she's making the right decision because of the way I feel.
    I read the article u posted and it's pretty interesting. I just don't feel I should force her to endure the emotional and physical pains of having a baby against her will. I'd rather she have the baby; because she wants it. I told her it's her decision because I never really thought she'd have one. She too believed and always said "a baby is a gift from god". So I thought I had no worries. I made a premature decision to support her not knowing how hard it would be to do it.

    I love my gf. I don't want to get into a huge legal mess about all of this. Someone commented earlier about marraige. We've talked about it plenty. We're practically married now. I think the fact that her son is so young he wouldn't understand just kept us from moving on.
     
  23. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    the younger he is the easier it'll be for him to understand and accept

    discuss it with her, instead of abortion, why not marriage?
     
  24. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I don't understand the part about her son being too young?
    Obviously the two of you live together (since you said you're practicaly married now). What difference do you really think it would make to her son (who at 6 probably knows more than you think he knows) whether you were truly married or not?
     
  25. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    We can debate the pros and cons regarding abortion until the second coming of Christ. Making the decision to have an abortion, in most circumstances, I suspect is just torture for some, relief for others and ultimately it is the woman and her conscience that has to come to terms with whatever decision is made. Hopefully it is understood fully that if any woman so choses to abort a child and does so, there is no turning back time.
     

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