SRS I'm really out of it. Ex won't talk to me now...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dorn, Feb 18, 2007.

  1. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I have another thread in here that people have just kind of ignored. I need someone to tell me something, something said to me.

    Basically, I've had a really rough week. I don't have any true friends up here and it hurts. Both of my best friends moved down to southern California. My ex was the only person I could turn to when things were bad. She was the only person I really felt comfortable talking with.

    We've been in a state now for a while where she wants to be single. Thursday we were talking and she said right now she wants to be single. She wanted to make me happy first with myself, then see where we went. She said who knows what could happen two moths, three months down the road. I was so upset over everything and kept asking why she wanted to be single, and finally blurted out "You want to be single so you can go whore it up right?" I apologized shortly after for saying. Thursday night she was supposed to call me after work and talk to me about things, she never did. I called her, she was out dancing with a few guy friends.

    I called her 32 times that night before she picked up the phone. I felt horrible about it, and I don't know why I did it, but I did. I yelled and yelled at her, I cried and cried, I apologized and apologized, and then I yelled some more. I was so upset that I felt she was slipping away. When I needed her the most to just calm me down and keep me sane, she wasn't there.

    Friday I worked and called her afterwards. Things were good when we talked, we laughed and everything. One of my big things is that I'm scared of moving to San Diego. I'm scared I'm not going to make friends down there and I'll be miserable there too. One of the guys from San Diego that I know, not a great friend but is a decent friend, was up here this weekend. He called me Friday night and asked if I wanted to go out and grab some beers with him. I did. The ex told me she was going to call me that night, she never did again.

    When I got home, I wanted to call her and just tell her I was going to be ok. Him calling me affirmed that, affirmed that I can be ok, I will make friends down there. But I got online and checked her MySpace and she had logged on after midnight. I called her a few times and she picked up and we got into a huge fight for two and a half hours. I ended up saying "don't be such a fucking bitch to me." I hated that I was fighting with her, I cried myself to sleep that night.

    Yesterday morning I woke up and called her, leaving a voicemail for her just saying I wanted to call and apologize to her and talk to her. However my mom upset me a lot and it didn't come out like I wanted it to. I called her later when I was at work and got upset with her because she didn't want to talk with me. We were texting each other back and forth and I was getting more upset and I called her again. She yelled at me saying she didn't want to talk to me right then, she was on the phone with her mom, she would call me later, and hung up on me.

    She never called me. I kept calling her, and she would never pick up. I called and called and called. Around 5:30 or 6 I got online and jumped on MySpace, she deleted me from her friends list. Not thinking, I ran out and got in my car and drove over to her house because I wanted to talk with her and make things ok again, or if anything then just say goodbye to her and leave. She wasn't home though. I called my buddy and had him call her to tell her I really needed to talk to her. My sister called me telling me that my ex had just called my sister crying her eyes out about me, scared of me, scared for me because of things I had said earlier in the week about not wanting to live anymore.

    I drove home and on the way home I got a text from her saying to go home because my mom was crying and everyone was scared for me. She said we can't be friends and we just need to ignore each other for a long time. I ended up going out with my sister last night and called my ex late at night. She answered and hung up, but I could hear her talking with a few guys and it killed me inside.

    I don't know what to do. I want to talk with her so badly and just apologize for everything I've done to her and try and talking things out and see if we can't do something to make things better. I know we can't be together right now or anytime soon, but I want to keep her in my life as a friend. I keep wanting to call her and talk but she won't answer. I want to know that she's alright. I miss her to death already. I was thinking today about driving out to her place tomorrow after I get off work. I know in my heart it'd be a bad idea, but I keep thinking in my head it'd be a good idea to do it and just talk. A short time ago I saw us being together again and working for a long time. We talked about moving in together when she moved to San Diego. Now, everything is gone.

    I'm really scared. I'm really scared for myself. I'm really scared I'm not going to talk to her again. I'm really scared I'm never going to be friends with her, or I'm never going to be together with her again. I'm not sure how to move on right now or anything. I want to call her mom and talk with her mom about things and see what she has to say. My mom said she might call my ex later today and talk to her, find out what's going on and just tell her that I really care for her, I'm messed up right now, and I just want to talk with her.

    What do I do? I feel like I don't want to live anymore right now. I feel like I'm a complete fuck up and always wil be.
     
  2. bobomb

    bobomb no torque, no care OT Supporter

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    Why would you want to be friends with her? You know you don't want that. You want to be with her, but she doesn't want to be with you. So obviously, the person that you really want to be with doesn't exist anymore. She's dead. You should mourn for a little bit - don't try to call her, don't check her myspace - just find friends, and spend time with them. Time makes it easier. The first week will suck, the second week will suck less, then the first month will pass and you'll be laughing at how seriously you took it. Just try to think about how many other girls are out there man - girls that won't treat you like shit and appreciate you for who you are.
     
  3. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Dude. STOP CALLING. NOW. If you ever want to talk to her again... leave her alone. 32 times man? Come on... imagine the roles reversed... and you wanted some time alone.. and some psycho chick starts calling you constantly and showing up at your house! Wouldn't you be freaked out too?

    Think about it man.. take a step into the third person and read your post. You even said in your post that your heart felt it was wrong to keep calling... to keep going over.. listen to it for once.
     
  4. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i agree, at some point you have to stop going off emotions and go with logic.
     
  5. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    In the heat of the moment it is hard to see logic in it though. My girlfriend and I had a 3 day "break". Well I didn't agree to it, but it was 3 days she didn't want me to call or show up or anything (well we did e-mail). All I wanted to do was talk to her the day of the fight and she told me she would e-mail me later and when she hung up she wouldn't answer. I called her like 9 times throught the day and she wouldn't pick up. I knew after the first two times and it was intentional, but I assumed she would want to talk about it. It's hard when you are emotionally attached to someone to lose all contact with that person. My girlfriend is also my best friend, the person I confied in the most. So when that happened, there was nothing on my mind but the thoughts of the day. I finally got to talk to her today (end of the 3 days) and she was so cold and distant. It is hard to adjust to from someone being so intimate with you to being drawn away. You just need to find a way to get your mind off it. Venting can help in some situations, but I find with these the anger and frustration only build.
     
  6. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    oh i know, ive been there too. Its all a learning experience. In the past i did act on emotion and it didnt always result in the best way. Thats why now i realize you need to have more control during these times. Thinking with your emotions isnt always the right thing. Sometimes it causes you to do some shit that is totally out of line. Its hard to actually stop and think shit through, but in the end it really is what you need to do.
     
  7. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    here here!!! oh did I ever dig myself a hole with emotions XD Learning is the best thing mistakes can give you.
     
  8. LBFilmGuy

    LBFilmGuy LOL why u mad tho?

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    wow man, you are really being pathetic.

    she told you straight up what she wants...you're making yourself look like a fool
     
  9. LBFilmGuy

    LBFilmGuy LOL why u mad tho?

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    and seriously, you're gunna need some counseling
     
  10. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I know. I was going to counseling for my anger back from October through the middle of December. The guy just wasn't good though. I wanted to go for anger and the talking seemed to center around what was happening with her. She went with me one night to help give him a better perspective about my anger and he asked a lot of questions about us again. I just got sick of it, didn't see it helping much, and didn't see it being worth $80 per month.
     
  11. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I have stopped calling. Yeah, I know it was very dumb of me to call that many times. I don't know why I did. I was upset, I wanted to talk to her, just a lot of emotions. With the week it was, I hated it.

    I don't know if it was good of me to do, but I sent an email to her mom saying I was sorry for what I did to my ex, and I would like her mom to call me and discuss this, just get some perspective on how she's doing and what she had been thinking.
     
  12. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Your making all the wrong moves. You need to understand that you can love someone but you don't own a person. You should never go into a relationship expecting it to work out, just because you think your special or something, reality is that a girl can pack her bags and leave anyday. She has a free will and how painfully it may be she decides for her own who she wants to be with, and from that stems an even harder understanding ,namely that loving someone sometimes means letting them go.

    Fear is a bad guideline for your life and the more you go ' I can't live without you' the more she wants to get rid of you. Your not supposed to lean on her, she wants you to be there for you instead. And that's your whole problem, you need to show yourself and the world that you have a life of your own to live, independant of other people. So bring the power of your life back where it belongs,namely in YOUR hands. Just let her go, this because love has got to go BOTH ways, its just one sided now coming from your side. Always remember you can't control other people, people choose to be together, always bring love and light into the lives of the people that you know. Don't give another spin to that wheel of hatred, because it will keep on going,stop it no matter who starts it because all the arguments only poison a relationship.


    My advice is that you bring your life in calmer waters. Stop the chaos and replace it with order, Stop the fears, and replace it with being rational. Reduce the emotions, look you don't have to worry about a thing. Rather take a step back and look from a different perspective to it. San Diego is just a place like everything else is just a place. Its what you stand for what is important and that you step towards the people in order to make friends.

    Your life at this moment speaks of nothing but absurd fear, what is needed in life is not fear,nothing can grow from that. Move forward and go forward in your life, retreat and you will age, hesitate and you will die. However, there's not a girl that's worth killing yourself over. Again show that you have a life of your own,independant from her. As other said stop calling her, don't act in panic, and do not let your fears guide you. Show some spine ,go for gold in your life, and stick your hands into the fire for what you stand for (figurally speaking of course)
     
  13. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Wow, you really need to get some help. I would be very surprised if this girl ever wants to talk to you again after that. You are acting like a desperate psycho. It sounds to me like you are only going so nuts over her because you don't have anyone else and I'm sure she can see that too. Let the poor girl go and live her own life and try to do something to fix yours.
     
  14. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Ok, you say that you want to talk to her and apoligize and talk things out. YOU TALK TOO MUCH!

    She doesn't want to talk to you...that's why she started saying she wanted to be single.

    Here's what it boils down to: SHE GOT TIRED/BORED WITH YOU. NO AMOUNT OF TALKING WILL CHANGE THIS.

    As desperate, needy, and insecure as you have acted towards her, I can almost guarantee that she has NO romantic interest in you anymore.

    You've come across as a stalker. I mean come on man, you keep calling her, and she doesn't pick up? I wonder why? She doesn't want to deal with a moping crybaby! You then go over to her house looking to talk to her?

    THIS MAKES YOU LOOK CRAZY. THIS WILL NOT MAKE THINGS ANY BETTER!

    You need to leave her alone, stay single, deal with your issues, and get through your fears about moving and such by yourself. Why? If you become involved with anyone, you will be using them as a crutch.

    Its ok that you're upset about her breaking up with you. That's normal. But you can't really change the fact that she doesn't want to be with you until you improve yourself.

    I strongly urge you to seek some professional counseling.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2007
  15. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I talked to my sister a short time ago. She didn't tell me yesterday because I was so upset, but she did tell me today that my ex had called her yesterday afternoon crying about everything.

    From what my sister told me, my ex told her the exact same things that she had told me. She had wanted to be with me, but got scared because of how I acted. When my buddies left from here in January, I did rely on her too much, way too much, and that is completely my fault. I brought this upon myself back in November when I yelled at her for the first time like I had never yelled before and like she had never been yelled at. That was in the back of her mind, I know it.

    As far as talking to her, like I told my sister tonight. I want to sit down and talk to her and just say that I'm completely sorry for what I did, I have a lot of work to do for myself. We need to take a month or two away from each other, live our own lives, then if we feel like talking at that point, we will.

    It sucks. All I wanted to do on Friday night was call her and tell her "I'm going to get through this, I'm going to be happy up here, and I'm going to be even more happy in San Diego. I will make friends, and it will be great." I don't know why I started yelling at her like I did though.

    I know I looked at her as a crutch now. She was my only best friend up here and I relied on her too much. I should have given her the space that she wanted and the space that she needed. Like I told my sister today, I honestly hope that things can work out with us again sometime in the future, but I'm not going to hold out hope, and I'm not going to let it affect me so much that I can't talk to other girls and date other people. DarkEternal is right. I don't own her, I never did. I think in my mind though, I sometimes thought like I did. I didn't feel like she should be going out with other people because I wanted to hang out with her.

    I also realized something else. Things with us started to go bad back in September right when I started school. Things started going good again when I was out of school for two and a half weeks because of surgery. Things got bad when I went back. Things got good again over Christmas break when I was out of school. Things got bad again halfway through January when I was back in school and dealing with all of that. I couldn't handle something in there for some reason and I need to figure out what that was for myself. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

    I know that's not the case. She wasn't happy with the way that I treated her, plain and simple, and I don't blame her. If I was treated like that I wouldn't be able to handle it either. I wouldn't be happy either. If she was bored with me, she wouldn't have still hung out with me when we did and still talked to me every day like she did.
     
  16. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I was referring to your romantic relationship. Her saying "I want to be single" means "I don't want to be in a relationship with you". No amount of just talking will change her feelings on that. You're going to have to DO something (actions, not words) to get her to change her mind about that.
     
  17. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    That whole issue actually came up quite a few times lately. Around New Years and the week after, she wanted to be with me, but she was scared about us arguing and me yelling at her. She said if things continued like they were at that time, we probably would be together. However, I started yelling at her again, and she didn't want to do deal with it. She said at the same time, when I was yelling at her, she realized some problems about herself and said she wanted to fix those before she could even think of a relationship.
     
  18. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    And I want to talk with her to get things squared away, say I'm sorry for everything and say goodbye for now. I don't want to talk to her with the intention of making things better with us to start getting back together.
     
  19. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Your wounds have no hope of healing if you keep scratching at them. You're stuck in a loop - whether you see it or not, you're still reaching out to her as an emotional crutch. Regardless of the status of your relationship you perceive a need to talk to her, a need to have her react to your actions. See it now? :hs:

    If you must get things off your chest and it has to be to her, put everything you can think of into a single email. Don't send it yet - wait a day or two, maybe even a week, then see if you still feel you need to say the same things and, if so, in the same way.

    Then, the hard part. Cut off contact, and busy yourself with other people and other things; the objective being to break your current routine and keep your mind from having too much time to stew on painful thoughts. Yeah, it's not going to be easy, but it's a necessary step. Take stock of your acquaintances and start asking them out to do things. Take a course you find interesting that's not related to your major. If you can't handle the extra workload now, sign up for a group activity instead - when I was trying to busy myself after breaking up with an ex, I signed up at the school's archery club.
     
  20. JS1

    JS1 sup

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    Send her a letter by snail mail. That's what I did when my ex-wife refused to talk to me. It helped me a lot.
     
  21. Mischa

    Mischa Laugh. It won't kill you.

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    leave her alone.

    I went through something like that last year. all alone in a random state, completely broken hearted and utterly alone.

    Even though you feel like you need her right now, she needs to be alone. let her be. don't push her farther away or make her resent you.

    fine your inner most strength and let it all out. go for walks, cry, let it all out. read, work out...

    you are latching onto her, instead of healing yourself.

    you can't get back together or even think about it until you are comfortable in your own skin and don't look to her for what you are missing inside.

    good luck and hey, starting from the bottom always makes it easier to see the top. allow yourself to cave and hit the bottom.

    It fucking sucks yes, but in the end, you can only fix yourself and if she loves you, she'll be there.
     
  22. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I spent all this morning crying. Just when last night I thought I was better, I realized a lot of things, then I woke up crying this morning and couldn't stop.

    She called my mom today. Said she was doing ok, and said she wants to talk to me, but she's not ready to do it yet. Didn't say when she would be or anything. My mom said just give it a few days. If I really feel like it and I know I'm feeling better, then call her and leave her a voicemail saying calmly that I wanted to talk with her and apologize and try to straighten things out a bit.

    I started looking into counseling more today, and I'm going to order a couple books I saw online heere in a little bit that I think would really help me.

    As far as my anger, there's a few things I think have really triggered it. I had to move back in with my parents a little over a year ago and slowly by slowly I've been getting more and more aggravated over living here. I don't enjoy living with them. I hate my job. It stresses me out a lot. I've been screwed over countless times there in promotions and a few other things, and it all happened right around the time when we first broke up, and then really happened back around Thanksgiving when I got really bad with her. School stresses me out because I know I have to do good these semesters to be able to leave and get into San Diego State. I let all of it get to me and brought it to her. Yeah, she definitely made me happy, but when those times popped up that I would have been a tad angry but shrugged it off, I blew it out of proportion.

    I was reading some reviews for a book about anger, and this was noted in it: "But, to me, one of the most insightful observations Carter makes is, "As illogical as it may be, it can seem to outside observers that chronically angry people have a strong commitment to keeping distasteful emotions alive." "

    I realized when I read that that I do that. I don't sit there and talk about what makes me angry with someone, then forget about it. I keep them alive for some reason. I need to work on that. I need to work on a lot.

    I still really want to call her and hear her voice, talk to her about things. I want her around me while I work on this. I want her around me as a person I can talk to, but not a person that I depend on for everything. It's sucked not talking to her. I miss her every single minute. In times where we talked even when we were mad at each other, I watch those times go by now and miss her. I'm still scared that I'll never get a chance to be with her again and make her happy and build something with us. In my heart, I know it's possible, but I have a lot to work on first. I don't like that it's going to be a long journey. I wish it was quick, but it won't be. I hope that she's along for the ride though in some capacity.
     
  23. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I've been thinking about doing that, but I'm not sure how I am with writing letters. I used to be able to convey all emotion and words in them. Now, I feel like talking is better. I'm one that wants responses in a short time, not say something and have to wait for who knows how long. I don't know though, we'll just have to see how it goes.
     
  24. JS1

    JS1 sup

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    You're missing the point. Don't expect a reply. This is why it should be by snail mail, not e-mail. When you e-mail someone, normally you expect a quick reply. You are trying to get someone to reply to your phone calls who isn't interested in you any more.

    You are good with writing letters; look at what you wrote in this thread. Type a one or two page letter, proof-read it, save it, read it again the next day, edit, print, sign, put a stamp on it, and drop it in the mail. Once you drop it in the mail, you're done. At that point you can tell yourself that you have moved on.
     
  25. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    Well I sat down and wrote a letter intended for her. I'm going to sit on it for a while though and re-read it after a week or so and decide if it's what I want to say to her. If we talk before I send it, then I'll read it to her. If we don't, then I'll send it to her. Or maybe I never will. I don't know.
     

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