SRS I'm really depressed about my divorce

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Nite_Lilly, Jul 24, 2009.

  1. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Here I am at 1 am, can't sleep. Even though I'm now divorced, I don't feel like I am. I'm still in love with him. I have tried dating again, but there is no spark. I tell my friends I'm moving on, but I miss my ex so much. I remember the bad as well as the good, so I'm not idealizing him or the relationship, but, dammit, we promised for better or worse. But, he skipped out, instead of working through the 'worse' part. He was more than willing to let me work through my issues, but when it came to working through his issues, it was easier to leave and start with someone new. He was, and still is, my family. And you don't skip out on family. When do you give up on someone you love? And, how?:wtc:
     
  2. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    you give up on them when they no longer love you :dunno:
     
  3. PcH

    PcH Guest

    How long were you married? If you were divorced relatively recently, I'd say dating is WAY too soon for your own good. You need time. Are you two still talking?
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    *hugs*

    Im sorry to hear what you have gone thru, the reality of every relationship is that you shouldn't go in one with the expectation that everything will go fine. Reality is that a guy can pack his bags and leave anyday.

    Unfortunatly nowadays people are more eager to leave other people at the slightest sight of a problem. In the old days people were more willing to work thru their problems.

    When the dream shatters and reality replaces it, then you are left with the task of glueing the pieces of your shattered life together and move on. I urge you to speak to a good psychologist, and try to get your derailed life back on track 'the sooner the better, but give yourself all the time you need', the world is a cruel place, and we have to live thru this cruelty and regain consensus on the world around us. I am truelly deeply sorry for your loss.

    Its time to bring the power of your life back to where it belongs, namely in YOUR hands, don't give your life away to the sadness, don't give in , and don't put your life in the hands of others, otherwhise you'll become an emotional soccerball for them to play with. This doesn't mean you shouldn't get anyone significant in your life, what it means is that you can love someone but you can't keep them prisoner in your life, you can't force them to stay. You need to understand that loving someone is about being together but still being able to do your own thing, and most important that loving someone sometimes means letting them go.
     
  5. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    /hugs

    While your feelings for this person are very deep, you will probably always love them to some extent. For better or worse they were a part of your life. But if he doesn't want to be with you and has gone as far as getting a divorce you need to realize that is truly is over. There can be no relationship without reciprocation. Sure, you may have worked things out if he stayed....but if he had remained married but unhappy in the relationship, he may have slowly started lashing out at you/ pushing you away until you resented one another entirely.

    I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate when you say he was your family. Sometimes we are with a person so long or they become such a big part of our life that we can't imagine anything else or want anything else. But look deeper. Ask yourself ; Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?

    You did the best you could and it didn't work out. It doesn't make you any less than you were before. There is life after love. Its probably best to wait a while before dating again, especially feeling the way you do. You aren't really ready to and it isn't fair to the guys your dating or yourself.
     
  6. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    :sadwavey:
     
  7. Tempest

    Tempest Power Cosmic

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    Hang in there I feel the same about a lot of what you wrote.

    I just moved out of my house two weeks ago. My wife of 6 years decided she wants a divorce and is not willing to work things out. She is 38 and started dating a 55 year old guy before I even knew what was going on and long before I moved out. Not very fun to have boat club friends asking why they see your wife out on someone elses boat when she would never go on the one we had together.

    The worst part is we have a wonderful four year old son together I can't even begin to describe how painful it is to have him question why Mom and Dad don't live togehter, why can't we do things, etc. Even worse is hearing the new guys name. Makes me want to throw up.

    Just a crappy situation. Wish I had some encouraging words but I don't. Everyday gets a little better but I am still hurting. Keep busy and hang out with friends as much as you can. Having my son over is the only thing keeping me sane right now.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    This will be hard to hear, but you have to separate your sense of self, from your attachment to him.

    That you were strongly emotionally bonded to him, is clear, but you have to help yourself continue on. Claims that he was and is family, and that family does not skip out. Well I understand this is how you are describing your deep sense of connectedness and betrayal, but the reality is that he has left.



    As for how you give up, well, I don't see that it's giving up on something. Instead, you resolve to choose yourself. You also need to allow yourself approrpriate time for grieving the loss of the relationship.



    You speak of dating, and yet, you're clearly still in the early stages of working through the loss. My advice to you is to stop thinking of dating, and spend some time in the company of good friends. Allow yourself ample time to slow down, to heal, to gently reflect on your life; the good and the bad times.

    So you can see him and yourself in a more realistic light, as two people who were deeply bonded for a time, but then grew apart and came to a point where their lives lead away from each other. This is sad and a painful process to endure, but you come out of it stronger, and wiser.




    Rushing into another union to anesthetise the pain is a very bad idea. You have a unique opportunity for growth, don't squander it. Learn from this. LEARN!

    That is the surest way to avoid having to go through another painful divorce in the future. It's no guarantee, for sure, but it really does help.

    Good luck to you.
     
  9. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    20 years. No, we're not talking.
     
  10. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Thank you all for your compassionate replies and advice. I'm trying to deal with the pain and learn from this experience so I will make better choices in the future. At times life starts to look more normal, but then because we share custody of our child, we have to interact. That brings the feelings back to the surface all over again. I also feel this intense pain knowing that he's seeing someone else. My friends have been there for me and work is very theraputic, but the times and events we used to share are very difficult to handle alone. Now I wonder if any of it was real for him.
     
  11. Julius

    Julius Guest

    20 years... that's pretty heavy.

    It's obviously going to be a rougher change because of the time you spent in this relationship. I don't mean to sound faux pas, but take it a day at a time. My mother is divorcing from her second marriage of 15 years and it's really tearing her up. My dad first divorced my mother after a few years of marriage, but he says that he never regrets it because he brought me into this world.

    Try to keep what's positive and throw the rest of it into a box. Do your best to keep moving on.
     
  12. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    I guess I know how your mom feels! A day at a time is the only thing I can manage right now. It is hardly a good substitute for the expectation of a lifetime with someone; the 60th anniversary that will not happen, the growing old together that will not happen or the trust you had in someone that now is gone. I'm so very, very distressed!
     
  13. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    Actually....its completly normal to miss someone who doesn't want you. Is it logical and will it help any? No. But emotions and logic should never be mixed.

    My advice for the TC :hug: Take your time. You spent a probably upwards to half your life with this guy, and a vast majority of your dating career with him. Dont be too fast to go "moving on."
     
  14. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    Lilly, he's going through a midlife crisis, he doesn't know who he is anymore.
    The problem is it can last for a few years, I feel for you, he's not himself and it's hard to understand for you and him.
    I wouldn't wait, you don't know if he'll recover from the insanity.
    If something or someone comes along, don't waste the opportunity.
    If you have friends go out with them, I know how hard it is after a long marriage to have kept up close friendships.
     
  15. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

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    he didn't say it wasn't normal...but rather not PRACTICAL which is is sort of what you said to.
     
  16. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    I sort of wondered about the midlife crisis myself. That's why my original question of 'when' to give up on him. If it's just a phase, then I owe it to our relationship to battle through this and not give up. I/we put so much effort into the marriage, we've been through so many life events together, to end it like this, is just a waste. My uncertainty comes from not knowing when to give up. At this point I see the divorce as a lesson of loss. I'm sure we are learning and have learned lots of other lessons too, and it would be nice it it all helped us to build up on what we had, and not have to start with someone else from scratch.
    This whole thing has really made a mess of my self-esteem too. :noes: With that said, I'm not just holding on because I'm afraid that no one else will find me attractive again. I already have evidence of that to the contrary. I'm just trying to keep my vows to the man I fell in love with.
     
  17. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Your vows end with the divorce, you know its pretty much when someone dies that the people who remain left cannot accept the person is gone, only over time they start to process the death of that person and understand that that person is really gone from their life. Its because they have so many ties with this person, you can't just drop that in one day.

    You need to untie yourself from him, but don't let yourself be pressured into a new relationship, its something you must want yourself ,not something that should be forced off, forced off love doesn't really work. Keep yourself busy with regaining your life, and start processing the loss of your husband. Its really trash that this kind of horrible stuff happens, but somehow we need to keep moving on, its all we can do as human beings. :hsd:
     
  18. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    I hear you!:sadwavey:
     
  19. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    How does one do that????????????
     
  20. GG9909

    GG9909 New Member

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    Relationships get us very enmeshed with eachother. The first step starts with accepting that you love him but he won't have you. Second, take care of yourself. Spoil yourself. Start learning who you are, all over again. You are not the same person you were when you were first got married. Find and enjoy the things you like, want to learn, visit, etc. Start living again but start with yourself first. :) the sun will shine again.
     
  21. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    I sure wish I could speed up that healing process. I'm lonely :wtc: and tired of being lonely.
    It's nice to have this place to vent! Thanks.:wavey:
     
  22. Tempest

    Tempest Power Cosmic

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    It just takes time, the length is different for everoyne. It sounds like we are in pretty much the same situation so just know that your not alone in this.

    I get my 4 year old son on Wednesday night and then the whole weekend until Monday so that really helps. Nothing more than I hate going to my new place and nobody around.
     
  23. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    It must be really difficult with such a young child to miss out on his many 'firsts', and to try to explain to him what's going on without making your ex, and his mom, look bad.
    I still get a churning stomach when I see my ex. Do you have that? It takes me hours to get back to normal, emotionally, after I see him.
     
  24. Tempest

    Tempest Power Cosmic

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    It breaks my heart still. He is taking things so well but questions why Mom and Dad don't live together or why we can't do things together anymore. It really is sad that she can just run off and start a new life without even trying to see if we could work things out. She says she wasn't happy but I wasn't either and I wanted to see if there was some happy middle ground we could get to that would fufill both our wants/news. Easier to just run away.

    Luckily I don't have to directly see her. We have just been dropping him off/picking him up for daycare. It does bother me when I have to see her. Knowing she is out with a guy nearly old enough to be her father and out doing all the things with him that she told me she had no interest in doing anymore before we split up. Kick in the face really but I am going to get through this and just worry about me and being the best father I can be to our son.
     

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