SRS I'm positive my GF is hiding something from me. What to do?(anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Sep 26, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 years. Things have been really good. We both make about the same money, and are doing good financially. We travel often, and get a long great. All in all, it's a very healthy and mature relationship without much bs. I can't complain.

    The problem is 3-4 years ago she was a little depressed about life. Feeling out of shape, hated her job, etc, etc. I listened to her, and did what I could to help her through this. She took a few months off her other job, and focused on a home business she had. After a few months she got things figured out, and kind of got over it.

    Of course I asked if it was something about our relationship, and if it was to just tell me. She assured me it was just her own personal battle she was dealing with. No reason to push the issue I figured. On a side note she did have some what of an eating disorder when she was young. She had overcome it as far as I knew. She let me know all about this in the beginning. Maybe she was still trying to overcome it? I couldn't pretend to even know how to help so I kept my distance, and did what I could for her.


    So my problem...

    So a few days ago, I was going through the work e-mail looking for an address. It just happen to be sometime in 2005. While searching page by page I saw an e-mail title that caught my eye. “Hurry Please Read”. It looked out of place, and without really thinking I just clicked on it.

    Basically the e-mail was asking her mother to reply to her previous e-mail (which must have been erased) to her personal address, and not the work e-mail. It was brief and basically said “I don't want [me] to find out about this” Something clicked in my head, and it all seemed to make sense now. I was furious, and upset. I had to
    know the truth. The problem is she is currently away visiting a sick family member, and doing this over the phone would be a douchebag move. I'd rather this be in person if I confronted her about it.

    I lost my normal calm attitude about everything, and it was freaking me out. I'm normally fairly level headed, and it takes a lot to get me worked up. I lost it... I'm ashamed to say I actually looked in her old diary around the same date she sent that e-mail. :( It fucking kills me that I did this because I've given her 100% trust in our relationship, and I know she feels the same way about me. She knows my e-mail password, so if she really wanted to check up on me I suppose she could.

    So I'm feeling terribly guilty right now.

    Reading just a page or two confirmed what my gut was telling me. Without any real details, she said she was in contact with someone and didn't know what to do about it. Should she "take a chance with him, and risk losing everything we had together” She said she was happy with her life, so she wasn't sure why she was considering it. We moved out of the city we met in. So my guess is she was in contact with an ex from back there.

    I'm crushed.:hs:

    What should I do? This was a few years ago, and we've been doing great since. I know this may really fuck things up, but it's not fair to hide this inside. I'm afraid I will treat her differently without knowing it.

    So, I'm tempted to snoop in her e-mail. Should I just be a complete asshole and do this? I've never had a reason to not trust her, so now I feel like a fool. I don't know what it is but I have to know. I don't think I can just let this fade away. If it was just through e-mail, and nothing else happened I could live with that and maybe see if we can salvage things. If there is more to this story, and things were taken to another level, than unfortunately it's time to end this relationship. :sadwavey:

    On top of things we have a vacation coming up soon.


    I can't talk to anyone about this. At what point do you just say fuck it, and do what you can to find out the truth? Why should I respect her privacy when she has already betrayed my trust for her?

    Fuck me. Please help..


    Cliffs: Had a suspicion about my GF, pulled a dick head move and snooped around and found out I was right. Should I continue looking to find out the truth?
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  2. planeh

    planeh Guest

    I don't think you should rock the boat. Concentrate on what you have today and move forward, its obvious she has put it all behind her...4 years ago.

    However, if it really is bothering you I'd let her tell you about it. Tell her you were looking in past emails and came across that email to her mother, you'll know from her response whether or not you should continue this relationship.
     
  3. Sirian

    Sirian New Member

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    It's completely natural for people to question how they are feeling and what they have and what they don't have. It sounds like your GF was just going through this normal thought process and it sounds like she decided she was happy with you and what you all had. You can't expect their mind to never wander and think "What if..." with an ex, or random guys she sees on the street. The important thing is that she made the decision to stick with you and enjoys what she has with you.

    Also, this was a long time ago and you said things have been good since then. Therefore she made her decision and is happy with it. Don't lose trust in her, if you let it become a problem then it will really become a problem.
     
  4. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    so she had a moment of doubt, ended up choosing you, and you've been happy since................ but you think you should *do* something about a feeling she had 4 years ago?



    put it this way. if you never read the email, you'd never know she had a doubt, and you'd still be happy. pretend you never read the email, hug her when she gets home, and surprise her with flowers and a nice dinner. maybe somewhere deep in her mind she'll think "I knew I made the right choice!"
     
  5. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    wow. if you think you're the victim in this, maybe you should do her a favor and break up with her so she doesn't have to put up with you any more.
     
  6. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    It's ancient history. She chose you, and you're feeling betrayed? That's a pretty interesting perspective.

    You two, may no longer want to share email passwords in the future.:nono:
     
  7. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

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    It is ancient history to HER. He just fucking found out about it a few days ago. Have any of the people who responded so far ever been cheated on? It isn't something that you can just 'forget about'. You question every experience you had with the cheater. What is real and what was a lie? Personally I'd need to know the truth.
     
  8. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    Who said she cheated? :confused:
     
  9. Hemps

    Hemps New Member

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    It's kind of like you searched a house with no warrant, but found a huge drug stash....
    You gotta find the rest of the drugs and radio in broseph....
     
  10. Hemps

    Hemps New Member

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    she might have also cheated, and didn't find it satisfying...
    i dunno, thoughts like that might make me a little snoopy.
     
  11. Hemps

    Hemps New Member

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    She was "talking" with other dudes.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    that's cheating?



    damn, then I plan to "cheat" on my wife tonight when I'm at a bar and talk to some women.
     
  13. less_than_adam

    less_than_adam New Member

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    Are you considering 'risking everything' you have with your wife tonight? Clearly she was at the very minimum considering cheating on OP. Maybe she broke it off with the other guy before anything happened, but at this point he doesn't know what went down.

    Personally I don't think the OP's gf would say she was willing to risk everything she had unless she felt some strong connection with the mystery guy. She wouldn't have said those things unless she was serious about the possibility of cheating.
     
  14. Hemps

    Hemps New Member

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    She was hiding it....obvious bad intention right there. The point is, we don't know what happened...but shes keeping SOMETHING secret. He wants to find out, possible answers in her email diary...but ya, if you cant trust her, you might as well just end it.
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Sirian: I completely agree. I honestly don't know what's come over me. I can normally look at things with a level head, and just let things work out one way or another.

    7960: I love your honesty. One post is positive, and the next is a good kick in the ass. :rofl: I'm trying to think clearly about this situation, but something just bugs me about it. Maybe, it's the fact that she's been gone this week so everything is compounded. :dunno:

    Trust me I'll be the first to say I need to man up, and quit being a pussy about this. That's what is bothering me is I'm not usually like this.

    Boomboomboy: It wasn't like we gave each other our passwords one day. My e-mail address has been the same password for years, and I've had her check it numerous times for me when I couldn't get to a computer, and vise versa.


    I know I'm not thinking clearly in this situation. That's why I haven't spoken with anyone about this because it would probably make it back to her somehow. It's also that I it's pretty low what I've done so obviously I'm embarrassed.

    What bothers me now is I only have part of the story. I want to end things if she crossed the line in someway. Communicating over e-mail in secrecy isn't exactly cool with me, but like everyone has said it was in the past. It's just killing me to not know the extent of it all.

    I'm trying to keep it in perspective that it was 2005-2006 so things may very well have been left in the past and it's over. :dunno:

    Why is it wrong to feel like the victim? <flamesuit on :bigthumb:>
     
  16. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    in the past 16+ years, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't reconsidered whether I wanted to be in my relationship/marriage. Nothing happened, I didn't do anything about it, I ultimately decided I wanted this, and we're very happy. But if my wife saw an email between my father and me, or my best friend and me, she might think I was on the edge of divorcing her.

    In short, he violated her privacy and found out something. He has to weigh his ability to forget it versus his need to know. But he has to realize, when he lets her know he read her email, she's going to have similar feelings of being violated that he'll have to deal with.
     
  17. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I've been known to argue both sides of a discussion in the same thread, sometimes even in the same post :bigthumb:.




    Easiest solution for BOTH of you. Open the FIRST email you found, print it, leave it on the kitchen table. When she gets home and she picks it up, say "I was looking for (whatever innocent thing you were doing) .......what's this?" and then see where it leads.

    Good luck.
     
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Question: after 7 years, what plans do you have for marriage?
     
  19. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest


    Hardly cheating. :rolleyes:

    You have control issues.
     
  20. Hemps

    Hemps New Member

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    Word.

    Ya, you know, I probably do. I'm really not that bad, but like, the way she phrased all this stuff sounds way more serious than "just talking". She refers to ruining her relationship over a chance at happiness with this person.
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    quoting again in hopes of answer
     
  22. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    I think you are going through an emotional shock right now after finding this out and it's a godsend that she's out of town. Once you calm down and let common sense run your brain you will realize that this happened in the past and it would be silly to possibly throw away a relationship you admit to being very happy in.
     
  23. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    what does that have to do with the original post?
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Shh, my question is for him
     
  25. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I can think of 4 reasons it could be important.

    I'd like to know, too.
     

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