I'm getting seperated...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by D, Feb 11, 2005.

  1. D

    D A guiltless state of self awareness.. The process

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    I'm just gonna ramble 1st...then I'll do cliffs.

    Recently spent three insanely beautiful nights in a hotel room with my 24 yr old lover. The sex was amazing, so was everything else. This is w/out doubt the most powerful physical chemistry I've ever felt before in life. For the record, I'm 31.
    This man is intelligent, educated, gorgeous, & so far seems to be very caring. We even share the same b-day. Plenty of interests in common. He doesn't want kids, neither do I. We are similair in politics, & views on religion.
    After I slept w/him there was no way I could have sex with my husband again. I've been out there dating since I was a kid, 14. I'd never cheated before.
    Been married four years, going on five altogether. He refuses to seek treatment for depression. Broke down one night, & finally admitted to me what I knew anyways.
    He's mentally submissive (not entirely sexually submissive). Which means, if I don't ask/tell him what to do it doesn't get done. When I do ask/tell him what to do, & it gets done, he resents me for doing the telling.
    (emotional black hole) Lives in a rut, wrapped up in routine. He's been steadily sinking our finances since we hooked up. Bad decisions, late payments, overlimit on the cards. I say anything, I get a lecture on being controlling. I've catered to his sexual needs, he's sucessfully ignored mine. I did try talking about all this shit w/him, to no avail. Like talking to a brick wall. Day to day has become misery w/him.
    Told hubby I want nothing from him financially..
    I'll make sure he leaves the relationship better than when he entered. He'll have all his stuff just not me. Fortunately, I never opened any joint accounts, nor took his last name.
    I truly hope this catalyst helps him realize he needs to get his shit together. I hope someday he'll be happy. I'm just the wrong woman for the job.

    Still....I feel like a failure at marriage, & like a bit of a shitheel. Feel really sad about the whole thing. I was going to leave him eventually, but needed to tie up loose ends before pushing the nuke button. The other guy...it just happened. I met him while out of town, & just couldn't let that particular opportunity go.

    I needed to get this out. It's a done deal. I just had to write it down for catharsis. Thanks.

    Cliffs:
    Getting seperated. Feel like just another failure at marriage. Feel sad....
    Enter new, younger guy.
    Eventual divorce a certainty.
     
  2. dumb_end_user

    dumb_end_user Sad Gus

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    Bravo.

    Others will flame you for cheating - I say good for you.
     
  3. D

    D A guiltless state of self awareness.. The process

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    Thankyou for the vote of confidence. :)


    Yeah, I'll accept that.
    At least I ended it as soon as I got home.
    There isn't enough to compensate for my husbands broken ego. I'm through trying. It's draining.
    I took the marriage seriously, I even dragged him to couseling. Managed to get four appts. out of him.
    It's become clearer, & clearer. I look at him, & I think 40 more years of this?!? Sixty more?!?! I've become this mans mother for fucks sake!
    I can't do it. :(
     
  4. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    Sounds like he needs to get his feces conglomorated.

    I really don't blame you either. Especially if the wheels of divorce had been turning before you "cheated"
     
  5. xela

    xela So say we all!

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    I have to admire your decision. It's very hard to get out a bad relationship and you seemed to have done fairly easliy. Good for you...and I hope you find happiness with your lovaaa. :)
     
  6. sirrach

    sirrach New Member

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    I guess I'll be the first not to congratulate you on cheating. I think it is awful that you did. However, you seem like you truly understand what it is in life you want. I'm glad you can realize, and go after that.

    You are not a failure at marriage if you have tried to save it, and it still isn't working. You did the best you could do, and that is all that matters. A marriage isn't a one-sided relationship.
     
  7. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I don't think i'm going to congradulate you on cheating either; because that just shows your attitude towards marriage ( you have none )... you can give all of the excuses you want for not feeling full-filled; yes its hard, and yes you may have tried some things to no avail....

    Have you once actually sat down; and truthfully spilled and admitted all of the things you feel are wrong with your relationship to your husband? If he's depressed he's got a huge problem... I know it can be hard for both partners; but just seems to me like instead of being there for him (which was part of your vowe) you took the easy way out and ran.

    Fine thats a choice, but instead of being a back stabber, you could have spoken to him and presented to him the fact that you are getting sick of it; and beginning to think about other men, maybe if you didn't want to you could have broke it off before hand.

    It's all really a matter of dignity.....

    It's great that you've found someone new, which you don't really know much about it; people always seem "perfect" at first; but you never know what will happen in any future relationships as soon as the mask comes off and the monotony of long-term or marraige set in.

    You will most likely continue making the same mistakes over and over until that is realised.

    It's good that you met someone new, but you need to divorce asap.
     
  8. D

    D A guiltless state of self awareness.. The process

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    Apparently you don't read all that well. I never asked for anyone to condone what I did. I've been talking to him for five years. All wasted effort.

    I'm not that naive, chlwly. I was already planning my move out when I met the new guy.

    This man I'm married to, every time I ever tried to cry on his shoulder(which is rare), he yells at me. He has no compassion to give, or spare. He has nothing to share, or give to anyone. It always gets turned back around to him.

    Yes, it fucking is.
    It's a matter of not letting someone destroy my credit...Make me miserable, & never be of any emotional support at all. Someone who refuses to help himself. Fuck, he won't even feed himself. He's my age. He needs to grow the fuck up, & quit being an emotional drain on everyone he touches.
    I wish him the best. But, I'm not wasting my prime on this man.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2005
  9. D

    D A guiltless state of self awareness.. The process

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    Thanks! You made me laugh my ass off w/this post! Coffee came up my nose when I stopped in to read quickly this morning...I needed a laugh soooo bad. :)
     
  10. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    As I said, I think breaking up with him is totally warranted; and probably should have been done long ago; cheating however ; is not, never will be.
    If you do it once, you will do it again, the chances stand.
     
  11. Bella

    Bella New Member

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    Where do you want me baby?!
    I dont believe in the once a cheater always a cheater thought. Clearly this man that she was married to was a drain and was completly helpless. She now knows what she wants outta a realationship and how to get it. She knows that cheating was wrong and she's admiting that. I dont think she will do this again. Before it seemed like she settled for something possibly less than what she wanted, I dont think she'll make the same mistake again. D good luck with everything and I hope you gain happiness out of all this:bigthumb:
     
  12. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Of course everything is always relative; but usually once a cheater means you will do it again...... however due to the circumstances and really depending on the persons feelings about cheating and having cheated; that can change. :) I also wish you the best.
     
  13. Muses

    Muses Guest

    Hey D, I want my life back :)
    good for you on deciding to move ahead with your life....:bigthumb:
     
  14. utanthony

    utanthony New Member

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    its not cheating if there isnt much of a marriage anyways. just make sure your husband knows that the reason you are divorcing him isnt because you cheated, but because hes not capable of making you happy anymore


    good luck with your new man though

    :hug:
     
  15. Tornado6

    Tornado6 When the wind set down in funnel form and pulled y

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    -Late night edit-

    I "left my husband for another man" too. I was stuck, the relationship was terrible, etc. etc. etc. So before it was officially over, I met someone. So I cheated.

    We kept all of our emails, and I uploaded them, but you'd have to be extremely bored to read it. http://tornado6.blogspot.com/

    (I know this sucks, I'm really beat. I should not be typing!)
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2005
  16. kristin

    kristin my dog > *

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    :bowdown:What they said.

    I can't congratulate you nor criticize you for cheating.. So I guess I'll hafta leave it at that..
     
  17. MstngJosh

    MstngJosh New Member

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    You suck because you cheated. But at least your making the right decision by getting out of the relationship.
     
  18. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    Is it really cheated. I think both of them knew it was over. Think about it. Alot of people start seeing others before divorce paperwork is finalized, started, whatever. That stuff takes time. Why wait and possibly miss a good thing if you know the outcome will be seperation?
     
  19. utanthony

    utanthony New Member

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    your av rocks i might say.....random i know
     
  20. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I'm going to congratulate you for cheating! Your cheating was a way for you to seal the deal--to push yourself more and more into finally making the decision to end it once and for all. If you didn't cheat perhaps you would've convinced yourself that you still loved him and would've stayed with him forever. Now you know for certain it's not what you want. You've set things in motion that you cannot back out of now. I've been the other guy in a situation like this. I wanted out as much as her, but it took a long ass time for me to realize it and she would never have the guts to end it herself or "officially" cheat on me (she was an emotional cheater). Your husband needs to figure out who he is and what he truly wants in life. That is his own problem and not yours.
     
  21. Bella

    Bella New Member

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    Where do you want me baby?!
    I'd have to agree
     
  22. bobbarker70

    bobbarker70 New Member

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    what doesnt make sense to me, is you even marrying him in the first place. you said youve been married for 4 or 5 years, and u said youve been trying to talk to him for 5 years......it seems as if you were never emotionally happy throughout the eintire marriage. why did u even marry him? your telling me there were never signs before u got married that indicated he was going to act in this matter? i dont believe that.

    i think you are disgusiting for cheating, but i think u did the right thing by divorcing him.
     
  23. eisenflower

    eisenflower ..□ □ □ □ I

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    Props for deciding to move on with your life, however cheating on your husband before you are finished is a slutty move. Congrats WHORE! Carmas a bitch, wait till your new man is banging another one of you sluts behind your back, see how you feel toots.
     
  24. D

    D A guiltless state of self awareness.. The process

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    This is such a lovely post, it really has an intelligent, articulate grasp of how complex life can be. If you actually believe in karma, what purpose does your ineffectual, angry post serve other than to eventually see you get bitten in the ass by your own anger?
    :Ownedd:......



    ...Toots.
     
  25. D

    D A guiltless state of self awareness.. The process

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    BTW, folks...update.
    Him, & I have talked about things. We are going to do our level best to see that each of our needs are taken care of.
    We discussed it a bit, & both now realize this is for the best.
    As for the reason we hooked up in the first place. Simply put, it's easy to be full of piss-n-vinegar. Stand in judgement of others, & be condescending.
    Both of us now know we got together out of weakness, & loneliness. The human need for some support system in life. Getting through this w/dignity, & humanity we will be stronger individuals. I think we will both be better people for the experience, in the long run.
    Thankyou.
     

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