I am so god damn dissatisfied with my family, my situation, my behavior, and almost everything in my life. I almost puke sometimes because i'm just so disgusted at how much my life sucks. We are poor, we never have any food in my house, I am 6'1" and I weight 140lbs, I am very weak, my mother is a psycho, my father has cancer and is a very difficult person (mindset of a 10 year old sometimes), my little sister is a complete fuck up, very dysfunctional family, my mother hates my dad's side of the family so she never let me see any of them, she married him because she had 2 kids already and needed some poor sap who would support her, he married her because no other women would take him, they basically fought, argued and physically beat each other almost on a daily basis when I was growing up, we are a polish family, I barely speak polish anymore so I can barely even communicate with 90% of my family, I was alwasy embarrased of my family because they always do everything the stupid, retarded, and embarrasing way, i have an excessive facial blushing problem that causes me an anxiety problem which causes me to avoid social situations, I only have 1 friend and I HATE him most of the time, I have only had 1 girlfriend my whole life and she just left me for someone else because I live under a fucking rock, I can't socialize or get along with people my ago to the point where we become friends, I have zero motivation to do anything, all I want is money, a loving girlfriend, and then I want the entire world to leave me the fuck alone, my fucked up family fucked me up, and I inhereted every single undesirable trait from my wimp father, i'm just a weirdo, I stopped socializing when i was about 13-14 years old so basically I missed out on my teenage years and missed out on a lot of "rights of passage" that regular people go through as they grow up, missing out on all of this crap basically makes it very difficult to communicate with people my age, I can't hold down a job, I can't go to school, I just sit at home all day feeling worthless, there have been SOOOOOOOO many friday and saturday nights where I would cry and feel so fucking lonely because I had absolutely nobody to hang out with or go out with, it's finally taken it's toll on me, I just don't care anymore, I don't give a fuck about anything, I'll never get what I want out of life at least not with this shithole embarrassing family I was raised in. Therefore I have decided to see a psychiatrist. First appointment is today in 1.5 hours.