SRS I'm dying inside...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Panoptimist, Sep 11, 2009.

  1. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Before I start let me just say that I suffer from pretty bad anxiety disorder. I can't keep my mind on track and have trouble containing or channeling my feelings and emotions...


    The girl I've been with for the past 8 months moved to the city to pursue her dreams in modeling and acting. We were attached at the hip and then at the end of the summer she decided in a matter of days. I took it extremely hard at first and my many insecurities began to surface and my emotions went haywire. She's been moved in for two weeks and I went and visited her at the end of the first week. Needless to say, I still was a bit unstable about it and the visit didn't go as smoothly as possible, but strangely enough our relationship has become stronger because of it.

    I'm extremely supportive and happy when we speak (every day) to each other and I don't let it show that deep down my insecurities are still festering. I can't focus on school and I'm two weeks behind in classes and feel that it's nearly impossible to catch up. If I fuck my school up (I fucked up last semester when we were together bringing my gpa from 3.7 to 3.2, pretty much ruining my chances of grad school in the city) I'm done and so is this relationship, still I'm so caught up in constantly thinking about her that I cannot stay focused.

    I'm a skinny kid and that's something I'm insecure about as well. I promised my self I was going to start a diet and a routine when my girl moved away to get into a healthy routine and surprise her with my progress. I haven't been able to get into a good routine because I'm on such a roller coaster. I've always been tired and my mood and appetite has been so shitty recently.

    I pretty much gave up what little social life I had when we got together and at the time I didn't give a shit. It's not that I want one because I need to make myself stronger at this point, and I really have no time for much of a social life considering my school schedule and what is at stake, but secretly it eats at me that my girlfriend is in the city making new friends every day and I'm stuck in this little boring shithole town with the same like-minded people.

    I just can't stop dwelling. I'm in a conundrum because I can't get focused because I'm still so stuck in the relationship, but if I ultimately fuck up school my chances of making this relationship work in the long run are about nil. We still love each other more than anything but my insecurities always seem to get the best of me and have me thinking negatively. This is very unhealthy and I guess I'm just gonna go talk to a school psychologist.

    Any exercises I can practice to help in overcoming this? I know if I just get into my own routine and schedule I will ultimately feel better and my girl will be more confident in everything, but deep down I feel deserted and lonely now and so far behind that I'm just gonna lose everything any way. I don't see my future looking positive considering where I sit academically. My resume is shit and I have practically no experience outside of the classroom in the subjects I'm studying. All I do is worry worry worry and eat at myself. It's so unhealthy. I used to be so confident about school and took comfort in the fact that my academic standing was such I could do whatever I wanted with my life. Now I've met the girl of my dreams but fucked my life up. If I don't get straight I will lose everything. I'm dying inside.
     
  2. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    She really fucking loves me too. I can't believe I've been doing this to myself and us. I'm so up and down. Why can't I just be secure in the fact that we're so in love even though we can't be together all the time? I was suckling from the teat of her nurturing love. I need to get my shit together.
     
  3. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    Your anxiety level is insane. It's coming through in your writing. Have you been professionally treated for this disorder?
     
  4. chrissponias

    chrissponias New Member

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    You can react studying very, very hard, so that you won’t have time to think about her. This is a tactic used by many people; other people work too hard in order to stop thinking about their problems. This is what you should do.

    Studying hard you will recuperate all the time you lost.

    Now, about your concentration: each time you’ll start studying and thoughts about her will appear in your mid, you are going to say: “stop!” and continue reading and studying, without following these thoughts. In the beginning it’s difficult, but with practice you’ll be able to simply think about what you are reading.

    Think that this occupation will not only help you learn, as well as it will help you feel proud of yourself, because you’ll manage to get good grades, besides everything.

    And she will admire you!

    Now, about being in the same old place while she is far away seeing new things and meeting new people, don’t think that this is a problem without solution, because if you’ll study other things besides what you have to for school, you can travel using the internet and acquire knowledge, learn many interesting things, and transform your personality.

    Read free articles online about self-help, humor, courage, how to make friends, how to do this and that, and keep learning.
     
  5. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

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  6. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Thanks a lot. I needed that post.

    I just need to be consistent. I'm just struggling with being able to focus long enough to get anything done. I haven't really been able to read my school book because my head is still in knots. I really miss my girl.
     
  7. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Not really, I was prescribed ADD meds and then some anti depressant like strattera or something back in middle/early highschool but i never stayed on that shit. didnt make me feel good. adderall seems to be the only thing that helps me stay positive and focused but i end up abusing it and it fucks up my eating and sleeping habits. shame too because that's how ive gotten so much done.

    talked to a couple of psychologists (no meds) and one a couple of years ago tried giving me some things to practice about staying positive and not having insane expectations but it wasn't really something i could relate to at the time. bunch of shit like fill out a piece of paper every day.
     
  8. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Thanks for the good advice and practice methods. Will put into effect asap. I'm just so powerless over my own mind. Or, I let myself be and tell myself I am. But it's so hard not to. "STOP!"
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    My advice is to put order into the chaos of your life.

    You have to set priorities in your life. Your future is your main priority.
    -therefore school is your first priority.This means you have to study 24/7

    Secondary you have to seperate your relationship dilemmas from your mind and "get a life of your own"

    Realise this=

    A relationship needs time to invest in, if you and her have no time then the relationship will crumble 'as it has'

    Meaning you should never go into a relationship with the expectation that things will work out just because it concerns 'your case' , your not special and reality is that a woman can pack her bags and leave any day.

    Its exactly THIS reason why you need to have a life of your own, you have your own life, your own study to attend to, a partner is a partner of your life, but in reality each and every single individual walks their own path in life. You must understand that you can love someone but you can't hold them prisoner.

    You are looking over the fence on how the grass is greener at your gf's place, but meanwhile your own brown grass is rotting, so its pointless to look over the fence, tend to your own grass instead.

    After that have a good look at your anxiety, you anxiety stems from the things that are 'out of your control' like a horse you need to have a firm grip on your situations , but you have to come to a realisation. Namely that

    A tiny human being can only do so and so much, and therefore only has limited control. What good is it to worry over hurricanes, earthquakes, gf's leaving, floodings, plagues you name it, its all out of your control, no matter how low or how high you jump,cry or faint , these things occur out of your control. In other words, its pointless to worry about the things you do not have in your control. Letting go of the flow is vitally important, it allows you not to go insane and not to be personally involved in every single detail, meaning you can live your life normally because you have a life of your own to attend to, in other words.

    Focus on what you can do, instead of on the things that are out of your control.

    That way you can focus on your priority list, which is your study and you will regain a firm grip on life.
     
  10. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    what is wrong with being an overachiever? it seems you have a problem with being one :eek3:


    i agree, having a life of your own is not that bad. having someone around that can make your life a little better is good, but having to need someone to make life anything is never fun in the long run
     
  11. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Thanks guys.

    Great post, Darketernal.

    I still can't seem to get a grip. Every day I wittle away at my sanity and my relationship. I'm going to talk to a school psych, hopefully get on some meds or something.

    I can't seem to get a grip. I'm behind in school already and it's causing extreme anxiety. Everything is causing anxiety. Why can't I seem to get a grip?

    Thanks again for all of the support. It kills me when I take an outside look at myself and the past 8 months of my relationship and how immature I am and how my immaturity is ruining my relationship and my life. Every time I expose myself as weak to my parents and GF my situation gets worse and worse, but I can't come to any sort of solid ground.
     

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